In this episode, we dive into a comedic sketch featuring the classic duo, Abbott and Costello. The duo engages in a humorous dialogue filled with wordplay and misunderstandings, particularly revolving around Costello's attempts to become a cowboy and his interactions with various characters. The conversation is peppered with jokes about horses, cowboys, and the challenges of understanding each other, showcasing the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello.
Additionally, the episode touches on Costello's whimsical plans to build a house and the comedic hurdles he faces with a finance company. The sketch also includes a segment where Costello humorously navigates military life, interacting with sergeants and colonels, and dealing with the absurdities of army protocol. This episode is a delightful throwback to classic comedy, filled with laughter and clever banter.
(01:00) Winning Moves and Casino Fun
(01:41) Costello's Misadventures and Cowboy Antics
(07:37) Building a House: Costello's Financial Fiasco
(15:04) Military Life: Costello's Army Experience
(20:00) Costello's Encounter with the Colonel
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:01:00] Unknown:
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[00:01:41] Unknown:
Costello, where have you been? Just look at you. Your face is spread with lipstick from your eyebrows to your chin. Yeah. I know that, Adam. That's the last time I'll ever kiss a whack in a Jeep with a motor on it. Look. I missed you on the train coming out from Hollywood. Costello, where were you? Heather, I had a fair enough trip. You did? I I had to stand up all the way. Everybody had a place to sleep with me. There was even an army dog sleeping in an upper berth. A dog in an upper berth? Yes. Why didn't you complain to the conductor? I did. I said, conductor, there's an army dog in the upper berth, and I can't understand it. And what did he say? He says I can't understand it either. He paid for a loan. I don't never mind that. Look. So he's got a drawing room. Alright. Never mind. Look. What is that outfit you're wearing? Oh, I'm supposed to be a cowboy at it. You do? I don't like my four gallon hat. Matt Costello, don't you mean a 10 gallon hat? Nope. Four gallon. All I had was a eight ticket.
Well, if you're supposed to be a cowboy, where are your Shapps? What did you say? The chaps. The chaps. Where are the chaps? I don't know where the chaps are now, but Well, Della, I didn't think it was possible for you to get so dumb. Oh, I can do anything if I set my mind to it. Yeah. I can imagine. Why this morning? I went back horse riding. Yeah. You went what? Horse back riding. Uh-huh. How would you ride a horse? You're a foot. End of foot? Brother, you got your geography all wrong. Alright. Alright. Alright. What kind of a horse did you ride? It's tender. Wait a minute. I understand that.
Explain it to me. What kind of a horse did you ride? Did you have a, Mustang? No. I used to have a Mustang. I haven't thought I shaved it off. I have. Made my girlfriend very jealous. What do you mean? It was bigger than hers. Hey. No. No. Listen, you're nitwit. I'm talking about a Mustang, not a mustache. You ride on a Mustang, but you you can't ride on a mustache. Well, you could ride our mind to that hand off our Right. Costello, I don't believe you can ride at all. Oh, yes. I can. Can you make your horse do a canter? No. But I made him do a josten. He got down on one knee and he sang mammy.
Yes. He did? Yeah. Right. Just a minute, Cartel. Are you trying to tell me your horse sang mammy? Well, he didn't sing it all the way through. He whistled the last part. Okay. Well, Cartel, that's impossible. How can a horse whistle? I put my fingers in his mouth. Hey. Hey. And he whistles? No. He bit me. He bit me. Then I whistled. Yeah. Then you whistled. Never mind that. Well, look. What do you feed your horse? Well, this morning, I give him a bucket of whiskey. A bucket of whiskey? Yep. I I I felt very sorry for him, Adam. What do you mean? The man that rented him to me told me he's gotta go back on the wagon tomorrow. That's you. Fuck you idiot.
The man rented you a dray horse. He is not a dray horse? He's a brown horse with white stripes. No. No. No, Costello. I'm not talking about the horse's color. He didn't have any collar. He only wears the collar when he pulls the wagon. No. Look. If if he pulls the wagon, he's a dray horse. He has to be a dray horse to pull a wagon. How do you like that? This guy wants to put all the other horses out of work, all the black horses, the white horses, all the brown horses. They will have no jobs at all. Nothing but gray horses. Pull him the wagon. Calm down, Cartel. I'm only trying to tell you that if he pulls a wagon, he's a gray horse. A gray horse works on a gray. Abbott, this work horse works overtime. He pulls the wagon in a dray time, and I ride him at night. I'm paying time and a half.
Lucky, dummy. When I say he's a dray horse, I don't mean he's a day horse. I mean, he's a dray horse. Now a dray horse can work in the day or at night and still be a dray horse. He can work at night on the gray. Oh, when you say he's a gray horse, you don't mean it's a gray horse. You mean it's a gray horse and a gray horse can still be a gray horse when he works night a gray. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, Costello, what page do you wanna have it? Number four. So am I. I'll find out what you know about horses in just a minute.
Do you prefer an eastern saddle or a western saddle? Well, I don't know where it comes from, but I like it. I drink a big glass of saddle every morning. Yeah. You tell me what kind of saddle can you put in a glass? Saddle of parakeet. That's all. Gastel, you'll never be a cowboy. Why you haven't even got a lasso? A what? I said lasso. A lasso is a rope or a coil. Oh, I got very pretty coils. My mother coils my coil every morning. What am I for? I got a spit coil? No. No. No, Castillo. The coil, I mean, is the line that hangs on the saddle. The cowboys use it to catch horses and cows. They catch horses and cows? Sure. They catch horses. And horses on a lion? The the circling. What do they use for bait? Costello. Look. Let's let's forget the whole thing. Now while you're here in Arizona, why don't you take advantage of the beauties of the dead? I tried that this morning, Abbott, and one of them slapped me right in the bush. I'm not talking about girls. I mean the beauties of nature. You you should go see the Grand Canyon. That Grand Canyon is a fake. What do you mean the Grand Canyon is a fake? I went out there to look at yesterday. There's nothing there but a big hole.
They must have moved to someplace else. The Castello. I don't see nothing. That hole is the canyon. And I am going to visit the Grand Canyon tomorrow. I am going right up to the edge of the canyon. You're going right up to the edge. Edge of the canyon? That's right. Have it be comfortable you don't fall off. But if you do fall, be sure and look for the left. Why? You'll never see a sight like that again, brother. Costello, is it wonderful to be playing to this fine bunch of clean living boys? What did you say they were? They're clean living boys. Clean living boys? Yeah. Well, a guy can't get very dirty on $50 a month. Hey, look. Well, look. Wasn't your, cousin private Hugo Costello station at this place? Yeah. But they threw him out. He kicked an MP in the shin. You can't go around kicking MPs in the shin. You can't kick them any place. They're pathetic.
Yeah. Look. Will you talk sense, Costello? Did you meet any Indians on the desert? Oh, sure. You know me. I'm an old Indian fighter. Fighter? Yeah. Well, why aren't you fighting? I can't find any old Indians. Who are you young? Me Indian. Me tell Moccasin. Me sitting bull. If you're sitting bull, why are you standing up? Me on vacation. I missed the bull. I'll take a pair of those moccasins for Costello. Good. Yeah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. These moccasins time I'm only an Indian. You know what? My uncle already stepped in, married an Indian girl, but he had to divorce her. Why? She used to walk her asleep, and she took the blanket with her. Godzilla, I understand you're thinking of building a house out here on the desk. Yes. I was talking to an artichoke about the house this morning.
I think you mean architect. An artichoke is an expensive delicacy. Well, there's nothing cheap about this crumb. Well, look. Look. Before you start building a house, I think you should see a model home. Okay. Get me a model. I'll see your home. Don't talk silly, Costello. Now I've taken the liberty of throwing up some plans for your house, and here they are. Now, you'll notice I have placed your room here, the kitchen, here, and the maid's room here. I'll write that out of its line. I'll have to go through the kitchen to get to the maid's room. Never mind that. Have you made arrangements to get the money to build your house? Oh, sure. I'm getting the money from the we trust you, but if you cheat us, you don't have any luck friendly credit finance company.
What security did you have to give to get the loan? Oh, nothing. I just gave them my word, and my mother has to go and live with them. Come in. Good evening, gentlemen. I am from the Friendly Credit Finance Company. My name is Ock. Tell me Ock. I think before I spoke to your brother, Mohawk. Of course. I think so too. Now, mister Castello, our company makes a practice of examining all applicants for loans. I'm here for Melody if I'm not too inquisitive. We have absolute faith and confidence in your honesty. See that habit? They trust me. Now, mister Costello, please be to kindly impress your fingerprints on this pad. I'll check with Washington later after we take a sample of your blood.
You're gonna take my blood? Oh, just a couple of floors. We'll return it after the loan is paid up. Now do you having any birthmarks? No. But I got my girl's face tattooed on my chest. Are there any birthmarks on that? Well, there's a mole there, but I don't know if it belongs on her chin or my chest. Well, this is very enlightening. Will you give me that again, please? I say what you're saying to me is very enlightening. What do you talk with, lumps? Thank you. Now tell me this. What does the face looking like? Well, she's got dark curly hair. And every time I take a deep breath, she smiles. I see. Now mister Costello, have you any marks of, indentification on your body, like, scars, bruises, or bruises?
Noses. Well, if you happen to miss any of your payments, we'll attend to that. Hey, Adam. What do you mean by that last crack? Oh, nothing, Costello. It's merely a matter of form. That's what I'm a worry about, my form. I wanna keep it the way it is. Now, mister Costello, in going over your plans, we find that your building something is costing too many monies. We'll have to cut down. Cut down? All I want is a living room, a bedroom, a dining room, kitchen, and a maid's room, and a garage. I see. Well, in the fireplace, you don't need any dining room. Oh, now wait a minute. Just a minute. If you take away the dining room, so where where in the world is the man going to eat? Well, the way this thing is going, I don't think I'm gonna have an appetite. Exactly.
You cannot expect to eat and make payments too. Okay. The dining room is out. Gee. But that was a pretty room. Such beautiful wallpaper. Yeah. Now then, if you are not going to eat, you will not need a kitchen. And without the kitchen, you won't need any maid's room, is it? I'm gonna miss that maid. Yes, Demet. That's that's very refreshing. Will you cut it out with that? Now read straight. I'm I'm sorry. That's the way I talk and hasn't seen taken me let us get back to the house, please. Right here. That's the bedroom. Well, you can cut that out too. I'll be so worried about the payments. I won't be able to sleep. Absolutely.
Oh, say, incidental. What is this thing here? Oh, that's the living room. Well, now what do you want for the living room? You have no bedroom, no kitchen, and no dining room. Are you calling that living? Alright. Well, we'll cut out your living room. Nothing. What have I got left? Well, you've got a lovely piece of ground there, mister Costello. Good. I can park there and live in my car. Oh, Oh, no. I'm afraid you couldn't do that, mister Costello. And why not? We take your car today for the down payment. Good a loo. Hey, Abbott. You know I really outsmarted that guy? How did you outsmart him? I gave him a $500 deposit, and I ain't gonna show up with the balance.
Well, Costello, how do you like those bunch of airmen here at Davis Monthan Air Base? Abbot there, one of them. I thought you said polite. Mhmm. I walked all through the camp with Connie Hanson, not one guy whistled. I I I don't believe that. Well, you can ask Colonel Northstein. He was with us. Oh, I thought so. And another thing, Abbot, these guys don't pay no attention to the 12:00 curfew. They break it all the time. They do? Yeah. Curfew or no curfew, they go to bed at 10:00. Right. Found that out too, Yeah. And I also found out why they called those guys fuck private. You did? Yep. I was out with five of them last night. There wasn't a fuck between them. No. You're certainly learning a lot about the army. Tell me. Do you know what the highest rank is? Yeah. Private, first class.
PFC is not the highest rank. Well, it's as high as you can go and still have friends. Bob talks in, Scott Della. By the way, your girlfriend, Ruby Pookiu during some branch of the service? Yeah. But Ruby is a sailor. I think you mean she's a wing. No. Ruby's a sailor. She's on a boat. Costello, that's impossible. They don't allow women on those boats. Suppose somebody should find out. Who's gonna tell? Dudley, you're a dope. I'm a dope. Yes. Hey, Evan. Why don't your wife do in the army? What would my wife do in the army? She could teach the commandos to fight dirty.
I never mind that. Who was that girl I saw you with in Phoenix yesterday? That was Tessie Tinfoil, telephone operator at the hotel. I had a date with her. Tessie Tinfoil? That busy blonde? She she isn't all there. There's enough of her there to have a date with. Where did you take her? Where did I take her? I took her over here to the to the Davis Monsoon Air Base, and two rear gunners took a shot at Tessie. How did that happen? Well, she's got so many circles under her eyes, they thought she was a target.
[00:16:29] Unknown:
Talk to me, sir. May I use your microphone to send a prod a message? Go right ahead, lieutenant. Go ahead. Calling missus Wilbur Fuzz. Missus Fuzz, your husband, Private Fuzz, spent a very restful night. He slept like a baby. That is all. Hey. Who is Private Buzz? He's our ninth century.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
You know, he was doing good up till then? Yeah. It's fun. Never mind him. Costello, how do you like this Air Base? All kidding aside. I think it's okay. Really wonderful. But one of the guys told me it would be much better if they cut out all that working and drill them between meals. Gastelas, suppose they should accept you in this outfit. Which front would you like to do your fighting on? Clark. But there's no fighting in Florida. You're telling me. I it wouldn't hurt you to go into training. You'd lose a lot of weight on your basic. I bet my stomach would get thinner too. They, I know one thing, Abbot.
I like the Air Force. You would? I can just close my eyes, and I could picture my birthday in '10. Hello, Fat Noise.
[00:17:47] Unknown:
Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Private Costello. I didn't really Oh, so it's you, sergeant? Yes. I know it's kinda early, but if you don't mind, the the colonel wants to know if he could have a word with you. Oh, the colonel. That colonel.
[00:18:01] Unknown:
I got other things to do. Okay. Send the colonel in. Private cartel. At ease, colonel. I want you to report to Hanger Number 1. We need to man the king's and engine. Hey. You giving orders to me? Of course. Don't forget. I'm a colonel. How much money do you make? $500 a month. Well, look, kid. You got a good job. Now don't louse it up.
[00:18:34] Unknown:
Private Costello. Private. I I think the colonel is mad at you. Now I'll tell you what let's do. You carry this bomb site over the headquarters so I can tell him you worked hard today. Maybe he'll forgive you. You want me to carry the bomb site, Okay, sergeant. Give me the bomb site. I'll be careful with the private car seller. It costs $10,000.
[00:19:00] Unknown:
Oops. I dropped it. Oh, butterfingers. Watch your language, sergeant. I don't like it now. There may be a NP in the joint. Oh, now private. Shame on you, I'm sorry. Quiet surprise that you Shut up. I shut up. Talk to me in a civilian tunnel.
[00:19:23] Unknown:
I'm sorry, but but this may cost you your chance for promotion, private Costello. You may never get to be a corporal. I don't want the job anyway. Too much responsibility.
[00:19:34] Unknown:
Besides my cousin Hugo, he started in the army as a corporal. Oh, that's impossible. How could he start as a corporal? Well, Hugo was born with two stripes on. Now blow out of here, sergeant. Get out. I'm busy. Go on. Stop. Well, I'm pleased to meet you. How's your old man? Why, he's just fine. He was so excited when he found out y'all was assigned here. He just loves comical fellas. Well, I'm glad to hear the colonel likes And you're a pretty sweet kid yourself. Tell the old man I'll put in a good word for him with a draft board. I just got an offer from the Navy, you know.
I'll take him along with me. Private, Costello.
[00:20:24] Unknown:
And daddy says to tell you that if you all live through the basic training, he's going to seal it personally that you all get right into the thick of the fighting right away.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
Kid, he don't have to do that. I mean, I wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where do you think he'll send me?
[00:20:40] Unknown:
I don't know exactly, but he did mention Tokyo.
[00:20:44] Unknown:
Tokyo? Are you kidding? I'm liable to get hurt over there. They're double crosses. They're using real force.
[00:20:56] Unknown:
Boots. Oh, you don't have to worry, private Costello. Daddy says a minute you land in Japan, he's gonna declare you an open city.
[00:21:08] Unknown:
Oh, thanks, honey child. Thanks. You know, I know wait a minute. Wait a minute. Listen. Them cats don't live up to no rules of war. They don't recognize no open city. I'm liable to be bombed.
[00:21:19] Unknown:
That's what daddy thinks too. Goodbye.
[00:21:24] Unknown:
Goodbye. Hey, you. Hey. Aren't you private, Costello? Yeah. That's me. Well, I'm an MP, and you haven't reported for duty in fifteen days. Well, what are you gonna do about it? Nothing. We just missed you. That's all.
[00:21:46] Unknown:
Alright. Come on. Come on, Costello. Wake up. Wake up. What's the matter, Abbott? Stellar. Costello, come here. What? Your blood test just came back. You've been turned down again. By the Air Force? No. By the Red Cross. They sent your blood back with this note. Here. Go ahead and read it. Okay. Dear, mister Costello, we are returning your blood. We need plasma, not asthma. It may not be here. Can I
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[00:01:00] Unknown:
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[00:01:41] Unknown:
Costello, where have you been? Just look at you. Your face is spread with lipstick from your eyebrows to your chin. Yeah. I know that, Adam. That's the last time I'll ever kiss a whack in a Jeep with a motor on it. Look. I missed you on the train coming out from Hollywood. Costello, where were you? Heather, I had a fair enough trip. You did? I I had to stand up all the way. Everybody had a place to sleep with me. There was even an army dog sleeping in an upper berth. A dog in an upper berth? Yes. Why didn't you complain to the conductor? I did. I said, conductor, there's an army dog in the upper berth, and I can't understand it. And what did he say? He says I can't understand it either. He paid for a loan. I don't never mind that. Look. So he's got a drawing room. Alright. Never mind. Look. What is that outfit you're wearing? Oh, I'm supposed to be a cowboy at it. You do? I don't like my four gallon hat. Matt Costello, don't you mean a 10 gallon hat? Nope. Four gallon. All I had was a eight ticket.
Well, if you're supposed to be a cowboy, where are your Shapps? What did you say? The chaps. The chaps. Where are the chaps? I don't know where the chaps are now, but Well, Della, I didn't think it was possible for you to get so dumb. Oh, I can do anything if I set my mind to it. Yeah. I can imagine. Why this morning? I went back horse riding. Yeah. You went what? Horse back riding. Uh-huh. How would you ride a horse? You're a foot. End of foot? Brother, you got your geography all wrong. Alright. Alright. Alright. What kind of a horse did you ride? It's tender. Wait a minute. I understand that.
Explain it to me. What kind of a horse did you ride? Did you have a, Mustang? No. I used to have a Mustang. I haven't thought I shaved it off. I have. Made my girlfriend very jealous. What do you mean? It was bigger than hers. Hey. No. No. Listen, you're nitwit. I'm talking about a Mustang, not a mustache. You ride on a Mustang, but you you can't ride on a mustache. Well, you could ride our mind to that hand off our Right. Costello, I don't believe you can ride at all. Oh, yes. I can. Can you make your horse do a canter? No. But I made him do a josten. He got down on one knee and he sang mammy.
Yes. He did? Yeah. Right. Just a minute, Cartel. Are you trying to tell me your horse sang mammy? Well, he didn't sing it all the way through. He whistled the last part. Okay. Well, Cartel, that's impossible. How can a horse whistle? I put my fingers in his mouth. Hey. Hey. And he whistles? No. He bit me. He bit me. Then I whistled. Yeah. Then you whistled. Never mind that. Well, look. What do you feed your horse? Well, this morning, I give him a bucket of whiskey. A bucket of whiskey? Yep. I I I felt very sorry for him, Adam. What do you mean? The man that rented him to me told me he's gotta go back on the wagon tomorrow. That's you. Fuck you idiot.
The man rented you a dray horse. He is not a dray horse? He's a brown horse with white stripes. No. No. No, Costello. I'm not talking about the horse's color. He didn't have any collar. He only wears the collar when he pulls the wagon. No. Look. If if he pulls the wagon, he's a dray horse. He has to be a dray horse to pull a wagon. How do you like that? This guy wants to put all the other horses out of work, all the black horses, the white horses, all the brown horses. They will have no jobs at all. Nothing but gray horses. Pull him the wagon. Calm down, Cartel. I'm only trying to tell you that if he pulls a wagon, he's a gray horse. A gray horse works on a gray. Abbott, this work horse works overtime. He pulls the wagon in a dray time, and I ride him at night. I'm paying time and a half.
Lucky, dummy. When I say he's a dray horse, I don't mean he's a day horse. I mean, he's a dray horse. Now a dray horse can work in the day or at night and still be a dray horse. He can work at night on the gray. Oh, when you say he's a gray horse, you don't mean it's a gray horse. You mean it's a gray horse and a gray horse can still be a gray horse when he works night a gray. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, Costello, what page do you wanna have it? Number four. So am I. I'll find out what you know about horses in just a minute.
Do you prefer an eastern saddle or a western saddle? Well, I don't know where it comes from, but I like it. I drink a big glass of saddle every morning. Yeah. You tell me what kind of saddle can you put in a glass? Saddle of parakeet. That's all. Gastel, you'll never be a cowboy. Why you haven't even got a lasso? A what? I said lasso. A lasso is a rope or a coil. Oh, I got very pretty coils. My mother coils my coil every morning. What am I for? I got a spit coil? No. No. No, Castillo. The coil, I mean, is the line that hangs on the saddle. The cowboys use it to catch horses and cows. They catch horses and cows? Sure. They catch horses. And horses on a lion? The the circling. What do they use for bait? Costello. Look. Let's let's forget the whole thing. Now while you're here in Arizona, why don't you take advantage of the beauties of the dead? I tried that this morning, Abbott, and one of them slapped me right in the bush. I'm not talking about girls. I mean the beauties of nature. You you should go see the Grand Canyon. That Grand Canyon is a fake. What do you mean the Grand Canyon is a fake? I went out there to look at yesterday. There's nothing there but a big hole.
They must have moved to someplace else. The Castello. I don't see nothing. That hole is the canyon. And I am going to visit the Grand Canyon tomorrow. I am going right up to the edge of the canyon. You're going right up to the edge. Edge of the canyon? That's right. Have it be comfortable you don't fall off. But if you do fall, be sure and look for the left. Why? You'll never see a sight like that again, brother. Costello, is it wonderful to be playing to this fine bunch of clean living boys? What did you say they were? They're clean living boys. Clean living boys? Yeah. Well, a guy can't get very dirty on $50 a month. Hey, look. Well, look. Wasn't your, cousin private Hugo Costello station at this place? Yeah. But they threw him out. He kicked an MP in the shin. You can't go around kicking MPs in the shin. You can't kick them any place. They're pathetic.
Yeah. Look. Will you talk sense, Costello? Did you meet any Indians on the desert? Oh, sure. You know me. I'm an old Indian fighter. Fighter? Yeah. Well, why aren't you fighting? I can't find any old Indians. Who are you young? Me Indian. Me tell Moccasin. Me sitting bull. If you're sitting bull, why are you standing up? Me on vacation. I missed the bull. I'll take a pair of those moccasins for Costello. Good. Yeah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. These moccasins time I'm only an Indian. You know what? My uncle already stepped in, married an Indian girl, but he had to divorce her. Why? She used to walk her asleep, and she took the blanket with her. Godzilla, I understand you're thinking of building a house out here on the desk. Yes. I was talking to an artichoke about the house this morning.
I think you mean architect. An artichoke is an expensive delicacy. Well, there's nothing cheap about this crumb. Well, look. Look. Before you start building a house, I think you should see a model home. Okay. Get me a model. I'll see your home. Don't talk silly, Costello. Now I've taken the liberty of throwing up some plans for your house, and here they are. Now, you'll notice I have placed your room here, the kitchen, here, and the maid's room here. I'll write that out of its line. I'll have to go through the kitchen to get to the maid's room. Never mind that. Have you made arrangements to get the money to build your house? Oh, sure. I'm getting the money from the we trust you, but if you cheat us, you don't have any luck friendly credit finance company.
What security did you have to give to get the loan? Oh, nothing. I just gave them my word, and my mother has to go and live with them. Come in. Good evening, gentlemen. I am from the Friendly Credit Finance Company. My name is Ock. Tell me Ock. I think before I spoke to your brother, Mohawk. Of course. I think so too. Now, mister Castello, our company makes a practice of examining all applicants for loans. I'm here for Melody if I'm not too inquisitive. We have absolute faith and confidence in your honesty. See that habit? They trust me. Now, mister Costello, please be to kindly impress your fingerprints on this pad. I'll check with Washington later after we take a sample of your blood.
You're gonna take my blood? Oh, just a couple of floors. We'll return it after the loan is paid up. Now do you having any birthmarks? No. But I got my girl's face tattooed on my chest. Are there any birthmarks on that? Well, there's a mole there, but I don't know if it belongs on her chin or my chest. Well, this is very enlightening. Will you give me that again, please? I say what you're saying to me is very enlightening. What do you talk with, lumps? Thank you. Now tell me this. What does the face looking like? Well, she's got dark curly hair. And every time I take a deep breath, she smiles. I see. Now mister Costello, have you any marks of, indentification on your body, like, scars, bruises, or bruises?
Noses. Well, if you happen to miss any of your payments, we'll attend to that. Hey, Adam. What do you mean by that last crack? Oh, nothing, Costello. It's merely a matter of form. That's what I'm a worry about, my form. I wanna keep it the way it is. Now, mister Costello, in going over your plans, we find that your building something is costing too many monies. We'll have to cut down. Cut down? All I want is a living room, a bedroom, a dining room, kitchen, and a maid's room, and a garage. I see. Well, in the fireplace, you don't need any dining room. Oh, now wait a minute. Just a minute. If you take away the dining room, so where where in the world is the man going to eat? Well, the way this thing is going, I don't think I'm gonna have an appetite. Exactly.
You cannot expect to eat and make payments too. Okay. The dining room is out. Gee. But that was a pretty room. Such beautiful wallpaper. Yeah. Now then, if you are not going to eat, you will not need a kitchen. And without the kitchen, you won't need any maid's room, is it? I'm gonna miss that maid. Yes, Demet. That's that's very refreshing. Will you cut it out with that? Now read straight. I'm I'm sorry. That's the way I talk and hasn't seen taken me let us get back to the house, please. Right here. That's the bedroom. Well, you can cut that out too. I'll be so worried about the payments. I won't be able to sleep. Absolutely.
Oh, say, incidental. What is this thing here? Oh, that's the living room. Well, now what do you want for the living room? You have no bedroom, no kitchen, and no dining room. Are you calling that living? Alright. Well, we'll cut out your living room. Nothing. What have I got left? Well, you've got a lovely piece of ground there, mister Costello. Good. I can park there and live in my car. Oh, Oh, no. I'm afraid you couldn't do that, mister Costello. And why not? We take your car today for the down payment. Good a loo. Hey, Abbott. You know I really outsmarted that guy? How did you outsmart him? I gave him a $500 deposit, and I ain't gonna show up with the balance.
Well, Costello, how do you like those bunch of airmen here at Davis Monthan Air Base? Abbot there, one of them. I thought you said polite. Mhmm. I walked all through the camp with Connie Hanson, not one guy whistled. I I I don't believe that. Well, you can ask Colonel Northstein. He was with us. Oh, I thought so. And another thing, Abbot, these guys don't pay no attention to the 12:00 curfew. They break it all the time. They do? Yeah. Curfew or no curfew, they go to bed at 10:00. Right. Found that out too, Yeah. And I also found out why they called those guys fuck private. You did? Yep. I was out with five of them last night. There wasn't a fuck between them. No. You're certainly learning a lot about the army. Tell me. Do you know what the highest rank is? Yeah. Private, first class.
PFC is not the highest rank. Well, it's as high as you can go and still have friends. Bob talks in, Scott Della. By the way, your girlfriend, Ruby Pookiu during some branch of the service? Yeah. But Ruby is a sailor. I think you mean she's a wing. No. Ruby's a sailor. She's on a boat. Costello, that's impossible. They don't allow women on those boats. Suppose somebody should find out. Who's gonna tell? Dudley, you're a dope. I'm a dope. Yes. Hey, Evan. Why don't your wife do in the army? What would my wife do in the army? She could teach the commandos to fight dirty.
I never mind that. Who was that girl I saw you with in Phoenix yesterday? That was Tessie Tinfoil, telephone operator at the hotel. I had a date with her. Tessie Tinfoil? That busy blonde? She she isn't all there. There's enough of her there to have a date with. Where did you take her? Where did I take her? I took her over here to the to the Davis Monsoon Air Base, and two rear gunners took a shot at Tessie. How did that happen? Well, she's got so many circles under her eyes, they thought she was a target.
[00:16:29] Unknown:
Talk to me, sir. May I use your microphone to send a prod a message? Go right ahead, lieutenant. Go ahead. Calling missus Wilbur Fuzz. Missus Fuzz, your husband, Private Fuzz, spent a very restful night. He slept like a baby. That is all. Hey. Who is Private Buzz? He's our ninth century.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
You know, he was doing good up till then? Yeah. It's fun. Never mind him. Costello, how do you like this Air Base? All kidding aside. I think it's okay. Really wonderful. But one of the guys told me it would be much better if they cut out all that working and drill them between meals. Gastelas, suppose they should accept you in this outfit. Which front would you like to do your fighting on? Clark. But there's no fighting in Florida. You're telling me. I it wouldn't hurt you to go into training. You'd lose a lot of weight on your basic. I bet my stomach would get thinner too. They, I know one thing, Abbot.
I like the Air Force. You would? I can just close my eyes, and I could picture my birthday in '10. Hello, Fat Noise.
[00:17:47] Unknown:
Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Private Costello. I didn't really Oh, so it's you, sergeant? Yes. I know it's kinda early, but if you don't mind, the the colonel wants to know if he could have a word with you. Oh, the colonel. That colonel.
[00:18:01] Unknown:
I got other things to do. Okay. Send the colonel in. Private cartel. At ease, colonel. I want you to report to Hanger Number 1. We need to man the king's and engine. Hey. You giving orders to me? Of course. Don't forget. I'm a colonel. How much money do you make? $500 a month. Well, look, kid. You got a good job. Now don't louse it up.
[00:18:34] Unknown:
Private Costello. Private. I I think the colonel is mad at you. Now I'll tell you what let's do. You carry this bomb site over the headquarters so I can tell him you worked hard today. Maybe he'll forgive you. You want me to carry the bomb site, Okay, sergeant. Give me the bomb site. I'll be careful with the private car seller. It costs $10,000.
[00:19:00] Unknown:
Oops. I dropped it. Oh, butterfingers. Watch your language, sergeant. I don't like it now. There may be a NP in the joint. Oh, now private. Shame on you, I'm sorry. Quiet surprise that you Shut up. I shut up. Talk to me in a civilian tunnel.
[00:19:23] Unknown:
I'm sorry, but but this may cost you your chance for promotion, private Costello. You may never get to be a corporal. I don't want the job anyway. Too much responsibility.
[00:19:34] Unknown:
Besides my cousin Hugo, he started in the army as a corporal. Oh, that's impossible. How could he start as a corporal? Well, Hugo was born with two stripes on. Now blow out of here, sergeant. Get out. I'm busy. Go on. Stop. Well, I'm pleased to meet you. How's your old man? Why, he's just fine. He was so excited when he found out y'all was assigned here. He just loves comical fellas. Well, I'm glad to hear the colonel likes And you're a pretty sweet kid yourself. Tell the old man I'll put in a good word for him with a draft board. I just got an offer from the Navy, you know.
I'll take him along with me. Private, Costello.
[00:20:24] Unknown:
And daddy says to tell you that if you all live through the basic training, he's going to seal it personally that you all get right into the thick of the fighting right away.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
Kid, he don't have to do that. I mean, I wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where do you think he'll send me?
[00:20:40] Unknown:
I don't know exactly, but he did mention Tokyo.
[00:20:44] Unknown:
Tokyo? Are you kidding? I'm liable to get hurt over there. They're double crosses. They're using real force.
[00:20:56] Unknown:
Boots. Oh, you don't have to worry, private Costello. Daddy says a minute you land in Japan, he's gonna declare you an open city.
[00:21:08] Unknown:
Oh, thanks, honey child. Thanks. You know, I know wait a minute. Wait a minute. Listen. Them cats don't live up to no rules of war. They don't recognize no open city. I'm liable to be bombed.
[00:21:19] Unknown:
That's what daddy thinks too. Goodbye.
[00:21:24] Unknown:
Goodbye. Hey, you. Hey. Aren't you private, Costello? Yeah. That's me. Well, I'm an MP, and you haven't reported for duty in fifteen days. Well, what are you gonna do about it? Nothing. We just missed you. That's all.
[00:21:46] Unknown:
Alright. Come on. Come on, Costello. Wake up. Wake up. What's the matter, Abbott? Stellar. Costello, come here. What? Your blood test just came back. You've been turned down again. By the Air Force? No. By the Red Cross. They sent your blood back with this note. Here. Go ahead and read it. Okay. Dear, mister Costello, we are returning your blood. We need plasma, not asthma. It may not be here. Can I
[00:22:25] Unknown:
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[00:22:54] Unknown:
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