In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo, Abbott and Costello. The pair finds themselves in a series of humorous misadventures, starting with a misunderstanding about carpooling and leading to a chaotic football game experience. The comedic banter continues as Costello recounts his attempts to impress a girl at a football game, only to be thwarted by her mother's presence and a crying baby. The duo's antics are further amplified by their interactions with various characters, including their announcer Ken Niles, who seeks more airtime, and Costello's humorous exchanges with a sound effects man and a singing guest, Connie Haines. The episode takes a wild turn as Costello inadvertently becomes an accomplice to a bank robbery, leading to a chase to clear his name. The adventure takes them to the lawless town of Deadpan Gulch, where they encounter the enigmatic Marlena Dietrich. Amidst the chaos, Costello's attempts at romance and his comedic misunderstandings provide endless laughs. The episode is a delightful blend of slapstick humor, witty dialogues, and classic comedic timing, showcasing Abbott and Costello's timeless appeal.
(01:33) Costello's Car Trouble
(02:08) Football Game Fiasco
(03:41) Ken Niles' Ambitions
(06:00) The Bank Heist Confusion
(12:22) Chasing Black Pete
(14:22) Marlena Dietrich's Charm
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[00:01:34] Unknown:
Oh, Costello. Oh, whack. Will you stop that noise? What are you doing here in the studio dressed in your bathing suit? Well, I spent all day trying to get my car out of the swimming pool. What was it doing there? Don't you read the papers of it? The government says you have to pool your car. No. You dummy. They mean share the ride. You have to pick up people. Oh, I did that yesterday. I picked up Helen, Mary, Rosie and Josie. But your car holds more than that. Yeah. But now they only allow you four gallons a week. That's why I'm calling you. I am. You can't get it.
Well, never mind that, Costello. Where have you been all week? What have you been doing? Oh, boy. If I could have a phone with Connie Haines, no kidding. Last Saturday, I took her to a football game. What a game. What excitement. Any passes? No. Her mother was with us. And another thing happened, there was a man sitting next to us with a six months old baby. All afternoon, the kid was crying. He was so hungry. Well, didn't the father bring a bottle? Yeah. But the kid wanted milk. Finally, to shut the kid up, I give him a penny. Well, does that keep him quiet? Yeah. But he kept waving the penny in front of my binoculars. It ruined the game. How did it ruin the game? All afternoon, Lincoln was playing in the backfield.
Oh, no. No. Well, forget the football game. Much better this afternoon, Yes. Yes. Yes. A lot better. We've got we've got other things to worry about. You know, our announcer, Ken Niles, was complaining because he didn't have enough to do last week. Isn't that right, Ken? Yes. It is. After all, I could give the program a lift. I have a shot in the arm. You said it. You're a dope. Don't be silly, Costello. Niles is very popular. Why, sure. Right after the broadcast last week, a lot of women chased me up Hollywood Boulevard, and one of them caught me and threw her arms around my neck. I saw that. You did? Yeah. When did you snatch her pocketbook? Now cut it out, Costello. Now I talked to Ken's wife, and she says, he should have more line. She says he's got talent. She says he's terrific. She says he's colossal. She says this. She says that. I don't care what his wife says. Well, I do. My wife is a wonderful person. She's as necessary to me as as an umbrella in a rainstorm. I'll take the umbrella. It's easier to shut up. No.
Now why don't you be reasonable, Costello? Missus Miles is a very sweet girl. Yes. She is. You know, she's a great deal like Sonia Henney. You mean you have to keep her on ice? Please. Are you folks hearing us? Now wait a minute. Now that isn't fair, Costello. Now let's get together here. Give Ken a chance to show what he can do. Okay. Yeah. Thanks, bud. I'd like to read a little tidbit that I could just happen to bring along. Oh, this is gonna murder you. One night as I sat rocking rocking on my chamber floor, came a knocking, gentle knocking, knocking on my chamber door. Quote the raven, nevermore.
Quote the raven, nevermore. Say how'd you like that? Don't look now, but the raven just laid a knee.
[00:04:25] Unknown:
Hello, everybody. And, hello, my fat little sugar man.
[00:04:29] Unknown:
Oh, this voice of this kid is temporary. Shh. Quiet. Quiet. Hello, Connie. Mister Costello, honey. I'd like you and mister Abbott to meet someone. This is my aunt Ruby. Hello. Nice to meet you. Hi, aunt Ruby. How do you like California? Connie doesn't have enough to do. Wait a minute. After all, I I listened to the program last week, and there should be more music. Connie ought to sing four or five songs. There's nothing but talk on the program. And who wants to hear a lot of talk, talk, talk, talk? I talk, talk, talk. Oh, yeah. Here comes another race.
[00:04:59] Unknown:
After all, mister Costello, I talk, talk, to sing. Right? Even I sang in New York, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Chicago. What about Saint Louis? They beat the Yankees. I really Yeah.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
I really struck you out that time. You struck me out. Mhmm. You're just the old bat that can do it. Yeah. Yeah. Now just a second, Costello. You can't talk like that to Connie's aunt Ruby. Maybe she's right. Maybe this program needs more singing. Exactly. Everyone loves singing. Something like
[00:05:33] Unknown:
this. Oh, well. Of course. You know I just had my tonsils taken out. Have them put back in.
[00:05:44] Unknown:
Costello, what right have you got to criticize? What do you know about singing? Now look, Abbot. If I hadn't come from such a large family, I'd have been a great singer. What does the large family have to do with it? I could never get in the bathroom. No. No. Come on, Costello. Make up your mind. Are you going to give Niles and Connie Moore to do or not? Why should I? If I give them more to do, the first thing you know, even the sound man will want more to do. And why shouldn't I? What did I have on last week's program? Nothing. Not even a door slam.
I understand doors. I know doors inside and out. I talk to doors and they talk to me. What do you hear from the mob? Well, may you laugh. Little do you know how important every little sound is to me, even the sound of a moth chewing on an overcoat like this. What's that funny sound? That's the moth spitting out the buttons. I don't you think sounds are fascinating? Here is a sample of my day. When work is through, I walk home at night in the rain. I open the door. I go in and shut the door. Then I walk upstairs in the rain. It's raining in the house? Yes. We're waiting for a government ceiling.
You must have a better rider than us, I imagine so. I jump into bed and sleep. It's morning. What a night. I've gotta catch the train. I kiss my wife before I go to the office. My wife kisses me. I kiss her and she kisses me. Wait a minute. What about the office? With a wife like that, why should he go to the office? Do we have Abraham from the Holiday Inn? And now, ladies and gentlemen oh, quiet. Have it. What's the matter? Hey. Look. Look what I got. Look at all the money. Wait a minute, Costello. Where did you get that roll of bills? I went outside for a minute. Just when I reached the corner, a guy ran out of the bank with a bag full of money, and he gave me some. He gave it to you? Mhmm. What did he look like? I couldn't tell. He had such a bad cold. He had a handkerchief tied across his nose. Well, you dumb twerk, that was a mess. The man was a bank robber. Oh, I don't think so, Abbot. He was the president. He offered to sell me the bank for a squawk. Sell you the bank for a squawk? Yeah. He said one squawk out of you, and I'll give you the business.
Of all the dumbbells, why didn't you go into the bank and investigate? I didn't go in. I want a way to run a business. I I walked in on a couple of cars for playing hide and seek. That's ridiculous. Honest. One guy was hiding in the closet. The other guy was under the counter. There was nobody around to play with him. Then there was another guy. What other guy? He was trying to do tricks. Trying to do tricks? Yeah. He was laying on the floor trying to escape from a lot of rope. And you thought he was playing a game? Fine time to play game. Yeah. Especially when he had a toothache. He didn't have a toothache? No. Then why did he have a plaster across his mouth? The man had a gag in his mouth. If he did, he never got a chance to tell it.
You should have taken the plaster off his mouth. I did. And right away, a guy started worrying about his rationing card. Worrying about his rationing card? Yeah. He started yelling, they took the sugar. They took the sugar. No. No. No, Costello. The man the man was yelling because he was stuck up. Stuck up? Sure. A fine time to get a swelled head. No. Somebody might have robbed the place. He did rob the place. Look. Was there anybody with him? Just a woman. A woman. Why didn't you mention her before? She didn't appeal to me. Oh, did you pinch her? No. Then you should've held her. If I'd have held her, I'd have pinched her. You idiot.
Now that'll fit. Do you realize that by keeping the money and letting the crooks get away, you've made yourself an accomplice? Ken Niles, turn on the radio. Maybe we'll get a police report. Hurry up. Okay. Fine. Okay. Hey. You hear that bit? What's that? There's a message. Well, what does it say? Attention all citizens. The fifth national bank has just been held up by Black Pete and his gang of desperate bandits. When last seen, the gang was headed for their hideout at Deadpan Gulch. Also, it marches their accomplice, described as five feet tall. Five feet wide. That is all. That's me, mister five five five.
Cuss, tell her you know the police are after you. Now you've got to capture that gang to clear yourself. Now you can't do it alone, so call a posse. That's the thing. Okay. Hip, pussy, pussy.
[00:10:16] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No
[00:10:25] Unknown:
Then I'm just a guy Abbott. I became a three letter man chasing cattle rustlers. Oh, how could you become a three letter man chasing cattle rustlers? I sat on a branding iron. What? Does that cause you to catch the rustlers? Catch them? I passed them. But this is going to be a long trip. Now you have to get an outfit. What are you going to wear? I'll wear a 10 gallon hat, a tan shirt, a leather belt, and a bloodhound. What pants? The bloodhound. I no. Alright. Look. Never mind the outfit. And another thing you lead is a horse. Have you got a horse? Have I got a horse? Yes. I got a horse, and he's my pal. That's swell. I eat with my horse. That's wonderful. I drink with my horse. I even sleep with my horse. You sleep with your horse? I got it. It's just blanket. Now tell me, can you ride a horse? Sure. I can ride a horse. One time, Abbot, I rode two horses at once standing up. I had my right foot on one horse, my left foot on the other horse. All of a sudden, we came to a fork in the road. Each horse went in a different direction. That was a laugh. Yep. I thought I'd split. I well, never mind. The first thing the first thing you have to do is find the Bannister Trail. When you do, you leap into the saddle and away you go. Your face is stern. Your grip is sure. Your clutch is firm. How's my transmission? Alright. I rise and sleep deep quiet. Then you ride. You ride out across the prairie. You ride for hours and hours on end. That sounds logical. Don't interrupt, please.
You ride and you ride until your trousers are worn thin. Finally, there you are. I knew I'd come through. Yeah. Well, Castillo, what are you going to do? Are you going out after the bandits? Are you going to clear your name? I'm gonna clear my name, Abbot. Attaboy. I'll do it. I know what's in you. I'm gonna get it out of me right now. Come on. I'll get the bandits. But just tell me one thing. If I get killed, what's gonna happen to that little fella that depends on me? The poor little fella won't get anything he need anymore. That poor little fella won't even have a roof over his head. If anything happens, Abbott, it'll kill him.
That poor little fellow, Costello. Who is the poor little fellow? Me? And now back to the adventures of our heroes, Abbott and Costello, as we find them hot on the trail of the bank bandit, Black Pete. Leading a party of men, they plucked the villain to the lawless town of Deadpan Gulch. Here they are riding up the main street of the town. I got spurs. That's Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle jingle jingle jingle. Wait. Jingle. What's wrong? What's wrong? One of my spurs got stuck. Pastello, what do you think you're doing? Why are you riding underneath your horse? Well, my horse isn't feeling well, Abbott, and the doctor told me to watch his stomach. Well, here we are, man. We'll probably find Black Pete in the Red Dog Cafe across the street. Stop your horse. Okay. Woah.
Hurry. Hurry. Woah. Alright. Let's go in. And listen, Costello. When we go through this door, have your gun ready. If anybody moves, shoot. If anybody shoots, I'll move. Hey, Evan. Listen to that. What a pair of pipes. Wish I was a plumber. Tell them I tell them Costello.
[00:13:48] Unknown:
Don't you recognize her? Love of my glory.
[00:13:51] Unknown:
She is the ghost of deadpan ghost. Of the same. Oh, Marlena Dietrich.
[00:14:22] Unknown:
Welcome to the Red Dog Cafe. Did you like my song? What do you think of my range?
[00:14:28] Unknown:
Your range is lovely. In fact, I like your whole kitchen.
[00:14:32] Unknown:
Oh, you're flatter me. You're probably tired after your long trip. How about a drink? Okay. I'll have a Crosby cocktail. What's that? One drink and then bing. With your personality, I would suggest straight corn.
[00:14:50] Unknown:
What a fresh kid. Just a minute Marlena. You see neither one of us is a drinking man. Do you have anything a little milder? Try a drink of this very mild wine. Now that sounds better. I'll try it. Just a minute.
[00:15:08] Unknown:
What's the matter? I don't understand that wine is made here by the Hoppy Indians.
[00:15:13] Unknown:
Hoppy Indians? One of the Indians are still hopping in it.
[00:15:18] Unknown:
Cartsillo, that's silly. Come on. Let's go and watch the boys play roulette. Yes. Or perhaps you both would rather play a game with me, poker, parrot, blackjack?
[00:15:27] Unknown:
I'd rather play post office. But that's a kid's game. Not the way I play it.
[00:15:41] Unknown:
You know, little fat man, I could go for someone like you. You could?
[00:15:47] Unknown:
Yes. Do you know someone? Sure. I could. What a fresh kid out there.
[00:15:55] Unknown:
Now look, be quiet, Costello. Don't talk like that, Tamari. She may know where Black Pete is. Try to win her confidence. Turn on the charm. You know? I'll turn on the charm. Okay? Watch me. Marlena, my love, I adore you. Yeah. Marlena, will you let me be your slave? Will you let me do something for you that I have never done for any other woman? What? Will you let me press your slacks? Gosh, Nela, will you stop that? But you just don't know how to handle these western girls. Oh, yes. I do have it. Marlena, one time I was in love with a bullingot cowgirl. She was too bullingot to run at the kettle. What do you mean? Well, she had a terrible time getting her calves together. What are you talking about, Costello? You've never even been in love with a girl. Yes. I was. I can see her now.
You always wore cotton stocking. Cotton stocking?
[00:16:57] Unknown:
What happened to her? Nothing.
[00:17:01] Unknown:
For the whole the girls I got tattooed on my chest On your chest? Marlena, I love you the best. The best? Better than the rest. The rest? In the West. The West? On my chest. On your chest? There's an echo in the joint. Well, there's no question about it, Costello. Marlena Dietrich just can't be bothered with a man like you. Marlena, is that true? Oh, no.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
If you only had the eyes of Clark Gable? Yes. The nose of time and power? Yes. Yes. The tune of Gary Cooper? Yes. The face? The face of who? That's all. If you only had a face.
[00:17:39] Unknown:
You know, the kids get nuts. Oh, look here, Costello. We're wasting time. Did you forget why we came to that Pangold? We've got to find Black Pete's hideout. Black Pete is the most dangerous character in this part. Oh, boy. He don't bother me. But he's very tough. He eats little men like you every morning when he gets up. That's me, the breakfast of champions.
[00:18:00] Unknown:
But Lou, why don't you give up this mad search?
[00:18:03] Unknown:
It can only lead to your death. I think you got something there, kid. I haven't. I am scared. Ain't you scared? No. I am not scared. Then why are you biting my nails? But no matter what happens, I'm going after Black Pete, Marlena. And if I die, I want you to take this shirt of mine as a keepsake. But suppose you don't die? Then wash it and have it back by Monday. And no starch in a collar either. Listen, Costello. Cut out the foolishness. Now we line up everybody in the room until we find our man. That's right, Abbot. Everybody line up and empty out your pockets. Why are you making them empty their pockets? I lost my yo yo.
[00:18:38] Unknown:
Now wait a minute, boys. It's not necessary to look any further. I am Black Pete. You are?
[00:18:45] Unknown:
What a fresh kid.
[00:18:47] Unknown:
What a stale plot.
[00:18:50] Unknown:
I think you got something there.
[00:18:52] Unknown:
Marlena, I still don't believe all this is true. It is true. I took the money from the bank, but I did not steal it. It was my own money. It was my pin money. Dollars 100,000 pin money? I have very expensive pin. If you don't believe me, I assure you. I have all the money right here in my stocking. Look.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Abbott, what a cute bank. What a place to make a deposit.
[00:19:24] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:19:28] Unknown:
Marlena, if I give you all my money from the bank, will you put it in your other stocking? Certainly. Costello, don't be an idiot. Your money is safer in the bank. Why do you wanna put it in her stocking? Because that's where it's gonna draw the most interest.
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[00:01:00] Unknown:
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[00:01:09] Unknown:
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[00:01:34] Unknown:
Oh, Costello. Oh, whack. Will you stop that noise? What are you doing here in the studio dressed in your bathing suit? Well, I spent all day trying to get my car out of the swimming pool. What was it doing there? Don't you read the papers of it? The government says you have to pool your car. No. You dummy. They mean share the ride. You have to pick up people. Oh, I did that yesterday. I picked up Helen, Mary, Rosie and Josie. But your car holds more than that. Yeah. But now they only allow you four gallons a week. That's why I'm calling you. I am. You can't get it.
Well, never mind that, Costello. Where have you been all week? What have you been doing? Oh, boy. If I could have a phone with Connie Haines, no kidding. Last Saturday, I took her to a football game. What a game. What excitement. Any passes? No. Her mother was with us. And another thing happened, there was a man sitting next to us with a six months old baby. All afternoon, the kid was crying. He was so hungry. Well, didn't the father bring a bottle? Yeah. But the kid wanted milk. Finally, to shut the kid up, I give him a penny. Well, does that keep him quiet? Yeah. But he kept waving the penny in front of my binoculars. It ruined the game. How did it ruin the game? All afternoon, Lincoln was playing in the backfield.
Oh, no. No. Well, forget the football game. Much better this afternoon, Yes. Yes. Yes. A lot better. We've got we've got other things to worry about. You know, our announcer, Ken Niles, was complaining because he didn't have enough to do last week. Isn't that right, Ken? Yes. It is. After all, I could give the program a lift. I have a shot in the arm. You said it. You're a dope. Don't be silly, Costello. Niles is very popular. Why, sure. Right after the broadcast last week, a lot of women chased me up Hollywood Boulevard, and one of them caught me and threw her arms around my neck. I saw that. You did? Yeah. When did you snatch her pocketbook? Now cut it out, Costello. Now I talked to Ken's wife, and she says, he should have more line. She says he's got talent. She says he's terrific. She says he's colossal. She says this. She says that. I don't care what his wife says. Well, I do. My wife is a wonderful person. She's as necessary to me as as an umbrella in a rainstorm. I'll take the umbrella. It's easier to shut up. No.
Now why don't you be reasonable, Costello? Missus Miles is a very sweet girl. Yes. She is. You know, she's a great deal like Sonia Henney. You mean you have to keep her on ice? Please. Are you folks hearing us? Now wait a minute. Now that isn't fair, Costello. Now let's get together here. Give Ken a chance to show what he can do. Okay. Yeah. Thanks, bud. I'd like to read a little tidbit that I could just happen to bring along. Oh, this is gonna murder you. One night as I sat rocking rocking on my chamber floor, came a knocking, gentle knocking, knocking on my chamber door. Quote the raven, nevermore.
Quote the raven, nevermore. Say how'd you like that? Don't look now, but the raven just laid a knee.
[00:04:25] Unknown:
Hello, everybody. And, hello, my fat little sugar man.
[00:04:29] Unknown:
Oh, this voice of this kid is temporary. Shh. Quiet. Quiet. Hello, Connie. Mister Costello, honey. I'd like you and mister Abbott to meet someone. This is my aunt Ruby. Hello. Nice to meet you. Hi, aunt Ruby. How do you like California? Connie doesn't have enough to do. Wait a minute. After all, I I listened to the program last week, and there should be more music. Connie ought to sing four or five songs. There's nothing but talk on the program. And who wants to hear a lot of talk, talk, talk, talk? I talk, talk, talk. Oh, yeah. Here comes another race.
[00:04:59] Unknown:
After all, mister Costello, I talk, talk, to sing. Right? Even I sang in New York, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Chicago. What about Saint Louis? They beat the Yankees. I really Yeah.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
I really struck you out that time. You struck me out. Mhmm. You're just the old bat that can do it. Yeah. Yeah. Now just a second, Costello. You can't talk like that to Connie's aunt Ruby. Maybe she's right. Maybe this program needs more singing. Exactly. Everyone loves singing. Something like
[00:05:33] Unknown:
this. Oh, well. Of course. You know I just had my tonsils taken out. Have them put back in.
[00:05:44] Unknown:
Costello, what right have you got to criticize? What do you know about singing? Now look, Abbot. If I hadn't come from such a large family, I'd have been a great singer. What does the large family have to do with it? I could never get in the bathroom. No. No. Come on, Costello. Make up your mind. Are you going to give Niles and Connie Moore to do or not? Why should I? If I give them more to do, the first thing you know, even the sound man will want more to do. And why shouldn't I? What did I have on last week's program? Nothing. Not even a door slam.
I understand doors. I know doors inside and out. I talk to doors and they talk to me. What do you hear from the mob? Well, may you laugh. Little do you know how important every little sound is to me, even the sound of a moth chewing on an overcoat like this. What's that funny sound? That's the moth spitting out the buttons. I don't you think sounds are fascinating? Here is a sample of my day. When work is through, I walk home at night in the rain. I open the door. I go in and shut the door. Then I walk upstairs in the rain. It's raining in the house? Yes. We're waiting for a government ceiling.
You must have a better rider than us, I imagine so. I jump into bed and sleep. It's morning. What a night. I've gotta catch the train. I kiss my wife before I go to the office. My wife kisses me. I kiss her and she kisses me. Wait a minute. What about the office? With a wife like that, why should he go to the office? Do we have Abraham from the Holiday Inn? And now, ladies and gentlemen oh, quiet. Have it. What's the matter? Hey. Look. Look what I got. Look at all the money. Wait a minute, Costello. Where did you get that roll of bills? I went outside for a minute. Just when I reached the corner, a guy ran out of the bank with a bag full of money, and he gave me some. He gave it to you? Mhmm. What did he look like? I couldn't tell. He had such a bad cold. He had a handkerchief tied across his nose. Well, you dumb twerk, that was a mess. The man was a bank robber. Oh, I don't think so, Abbot. He was the president. He offered to sell me the bank for a squawk. Sell you the bank for a squawk? Yeah. He said one squawk out of you, and I'll give you the business.
Of all the dumbbells, why didn't you go into the bank and investigate? I didn't go in. I want a way to run a business. I I walked in on a couple of cars for playing hide and seek. That's ridiculous. Honest. One guy was hiding in the closet. The other guy was under the counter. There was nobody around to play with him. Then there was another guy. What other guy? He was trying to do tricks. Trying to do tricks? Yeah. He was laying on the floor trying to escape from a lot of rope. And you thought he was playing a game? Fine time to play game. Yeah. Especially when he had a toothache. He didn't have a toothache? No. Then why did he have a plaster across his mouth? The man had a gag in his mouth. If he did, he never got a chance to tell it.
You should have taken the plaster off his mouth. I did. And right away, a guy started worrying about his rationing card. Worrying about his rationing card? Yeah. He started yelling, they took the sugar. They took the sugar. No. No. No, Costello. The man the man was yelling because he was stuck up. Stuck up? Sure. A fine time to get a swelled head. No. Somebody might have robbed the place. He did rob the place. Look. Was there anybody with him? Just a woman. A woman. Why didn't you mention her before? She didn't appeal to me. Oh, did you pinch her? No. Then you should've held her. If I'd have held her, I'd have pinched her. You idiot.
Now that'll fit. Do you realize that by keeping the money and letting the crooks get away, you've made yourself an accomplice? Ken Niles, turn on the radio. Maybe we'll get a police report. Hurry up. Okay. Fine. Okay. Hey. You hear that bit? What's that? There's a message. Well, what does it say? Attention all citizens. The fifth national bank has just been held up by Black Pete and his gang of desperate bandits. When last seen, the gang was headed for their hideout at Deadpan Gulch. Also, it marches their accomplice, described as five feet tall. Five feet wide. That is all. That's me, mister five five five.
Cuss, tell her you know the police are after you. Now you've got to capture that gang to clear yourself. Now you can't do it alone, so call a posse. That's the thing. Okay. Hip, pussy, pussy.
[00:10:16] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No
[00:10:25] Unknown:
Then I'm just a guy Abbott. I became a three letter man chasing cattle rustlers. Oh, how could you become a three letter man chasing cattle rustlers? I sat on a branding iron. What? Does that cause you to catch the rustlers? Catch them? I passed them. But this is going to be a long trip. Now you have to get an outfit. What are you going to wear? I'll wear a 10 gallon hat, a tan shirt, a leather belt, and a bloodhound. What pants? The bloodhound. I no. Alright. Look. Never mind the outfit. And another thing you lead is a horse. Have you got a horse? Have I got a horse? Yes. I got a horse, and he's my pal. That's swell. I eat with my horse. That's wonderful. I drink with my horse. I even sleep with my horse. You sleep with your horse? I got it. It's just blanket. Now tell me, can you ride a horse? Sure. I can ride a horse. One time, Abbot, I rode two horses at once standing up. I had my right foot on one horse, my left foot on the other horse. All of a sudden, we came to a fork in the road. Each horse went in a different direction. That was a laugh. Yep. I thought I'd split. I well, never mind. The first thing the first thing you have to do is find the Bannister Trail. When you do, you leap into the saddle and away you go. Your face is stern. Your grip is sure. Your clutch is firm. How's my transmission? Alright. I rise and sleep deep quiet. Then you ride. You ride out across the prairie. You ride for hours and hours on end. That sounds logical. Don't interrupt, please.
You ride and you ride until your trousers are worn thin. Finally, there you are. I knew I'd come through. Yeah. Well, Castillo, what are you going to do? Are you going out after the bandits? Are you going to clear your name? I'm gonna clear my name, Abbot. Attaboy. I'll do it. I know what's in you. I'm gonna get it out of me right now. Come on. I'll get the bandits. But just tell me one thing. If I get killed, what's gonna happen to that little fella that depends on me? The poor little fella won't get anything he need anymore. That poor little fella won't even have a roof over his head. If anything happens, Abbott, it'll kill him.
That poor little fellow, Costello. Who is the poor little fellow? Me? And now back to the adventures of our heroes, Abbott and Costello, as we find them hot on the trail of the bank bandit, Black Pete. Leading a party of men, they plucked the villain to the lawless town of Deadpan Gulch. Here they are riding up the main street of the town. I got spurs. That's Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle jingle jingle jingle. Wait. Jingle. What's wrong? What's wrong? One of my spurs got stuck. Pastello, what do you think you're doing? Why are you riding underneath your horse? Well, my horse isn't feeling well, Abbott, and the doctor told me to watch his stomach. Well, here we are, man. We'll probably find Black Pete in the Red Dog Cafe across the street. Stop your horse. Okay. Woah.
Hurry. Hurry. Woah. Alright. Let's go in. And listen, Costello. When we go through this door, have your gun ready. If anybody moves, shoot. If anybody shoots, I'll move. Hey, Evan. Listen to that. What a pair of pipes. Wish I was a plumber. Tell them I tell them Costello.
[00:13:48] Unknown:
Don't you recognize her? Love of my glory.
[00:13:51] Unknown:
She is the ghost of deadpan ghost. Of the same. Oh, Marlena Dietrich.
[00:14:22] Unknown:
Welcome to the Red Dog Cafe. Did you like my song? What do you think of my range?
[00:14:28] Unknown:
Your range is lovely. In fact, I like your whole kitchen.
[00:14:32] Unknown:
Oh, you're flatter me. You're probably tired after your long trip. How about a drink? Okay. I'll have a Crosby cocktail. What's that? One drink and then bing. With your personality, I would suggest straight corn.
[00:14:50] Unknown:
What a fresh kid. Just a minute Marlena. You see neither one of us is a drinking man. Do you have anything a little milder? Try a drink of this very mild wine. Now that sounds better. I'll try it. Just a minute.
[00:15:08] Unknown:
What's the matter? I don't understand that wine is made here by the Hoppy Indians.
[00:15:13] Unknown:
Hoppy Indians? One of the Indians are still hopping in it.
[00:15:18] Unknown:
Cartsillo, that's silly. Come on. Let's go and watch the boys play roulette. Yes. Or perhaps you both would rather play a game with me, poker, parrot, blackjack?
[00:15:27] Unknown:
I'd rather play post office. But that's a kid's game. Not the way I play it.
[00:15:41] Unknown:
You know, little fat man, I could go for someone like you. You could?
[00:15:47] Unknown:
Yes. Do you know someone? Sure. I could. What a fresh kid out there.
[00:15:55] Unknown:
Now look, be quiet, Costello. Don't talk like that, Tamari. She may know where Black Pete is. Try to win her confidence. Turn on the charm. You know? I'll turn on the charm. Okay? Watch me. Marlena, my love, I adore you. Yeah. Marlena, will you let me be your slave? Will you let me do something for you that I have never done for any other woman? What? Will you let me press your slacks? Gosh, Nela, will you stop that? But you just don't know how to handle these western girls. Oh, yes. I do have it. Marlena, one time I was in love with a bullingot cowgirl. She was too bullingot to run at the kettle. What do you mean? Well, she had a terrible time getting her calves together. What are you talking about, Costello? You've never even been in love with a girl. Yes. I was. I can see her now.
You always wore cotton stocking. Cotton stocking?
[00:16:57] Unknown:
What happened to her? Nothing.
[00:17:01] Unknown:
For the whole the girls I got tattooed on my chest On your chest? Marlena, I love you the best. The best? Better than the rest. The rest? In the West. The West? On my chest. On your chest? There's an echo in the joint. Well, there's no question about it, Costello. Marlena Dietrich just can't be bothered with a man like you. Marlena, is that true? Oh, no.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
If you only had the eyes of Clark Gable? Yes. The nose of time and power? Yes. Yes. The tune of Gary Cooper? Yes. The face? The face of who? That's all. If you only had a face.
[00:17:39] Unknown:
You know, the kids get nuts. Oh, look here, Costello. We're wasting time. Did you forget why we came to that Pangold? We've got to find Black Pete's hideout. Black Pete is the most dangerous character in this part. Oh, boy. He don't bother me. But he's very tough. He eats little men like you every morning when he gets up. That's me, the breakfast of champions.
[00:18:00] Unknown:
But Lou, why don't you give up this mad search?
[00:18:03] Unknown:
It can only lead to your death. I think you got something there, kid. I haven't. I am scared. Ain't you scared? No. I am not scared. Then why are you biting my nails? But no matter what happens, I'm going after Black Pete, Marlena. And if I die, I want you to take this shirt of mine as a keepsake. But suppose you don't die? Then wash it and have it back by Monday. And no starch in a collar either. Listen, Costello. Cut out the foolishness. Now we line up everybody in the room until we find our man. That's right, Abbot. Everybody line up and empty out your pockets. Why are you making them empty their pockets? I lost my yo yo.
[00:18:38] Unknown:
Now wait a minute, boys. It's not necessary to look any further. I am Black Pete. You are?
[00:18:45] Unknown:
What a fresh kid.
[00:18:47] Unknown:
What a stale plot.
[00:18:50] Unknown:
I think you got something there.
[00:18:52] Unknown:
Marlena, I still don't believe all this is true. It is true. I took the money from the bank, but I did not steal it. It was my own money. It was my pin money. Dollars 100,000 pin money? I have very expensive pin. If you don't believe me, I assure you. I have all the money right here in my stocking. Look.
[00:19:15] Unknown:
Abbott, what a cute bank. What a place to make a deposit.
[00:19:24] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:19:28] Unknown:
Marlena, if I give you all my money from the bank, will you put it in your other stocking? Certainly. Costello, don't be an idiot. Your money is safer in the bank. Why do you wanna put it in her stocking? Because that's where it's gonna draw the most interest.
[00:19:50] Unknown:
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[00:20:17] Unknown:
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