In this lively episode, we dive into the world of comedy with a classic Abbott and Costello routine. The duo brings their signature humor to the stage with a series of hilarious exchanges about circus life, wrestling, and the absurdities of everyday situations. From Costello's attempts to relive his circus days to his comedic wrestling match with guest star Alan Hale, the episode is filled with laughs and unexpected twists. The banter between Abbott and Costello is as sharp as ever, showcasing their impeccable timing and chemistry.
Listeners are also treated to musical interludes and entertaining advertisements that capture the spirit of the era. The episode concludes with a nod to the troops overseas, highlighting the show's commitment to bringing joy and laughter to audiences both at home and abroad. Whether you're a longtime fan or new to Abbott and Costello, this episode is sure to entertain with its blend of slapstick humor and classic comedy routines.
(01:44) The Abbott and Costello Program Introduction
(02:21) Circus Parade and Costello's Family History
(05:00) Hollywood Benefit Carnival and Circus
(10:45) Costello's Circus Job and Lion Taming
(17:00) Wrestling Match with Alan Hale
(27:36) Closing Remarks and Next Week's Preview
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Unknown:
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[00:01:01] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer Solitaire.
[00:01:12] Unknown:
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[00:01:45] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarettes that's first in the service. Camel stay fresh, cool smoking, and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Ridge and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haines. Tonight's guest, Sally Eilers and Alan Hale, Warner Brothers star of Adventures of Mark Twain, and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
[00:02:21] Unknown:
Alright. What's all the excitement? Oh, well, it's a big circus. Here's team this town, and I've been out watching the parade. What a parade. First came the elephants. Accidents come the clowns. And after the clowns came the beautiful lady good diver on a big white horse. Wait a minute, Al. What came after Lady Godiva? Me and every sailor in California. Pastel, aren't you a little old to be following parade? Oh, not me, Abbot. I'm crazy about circuit parade. I love those big elephants. Quote, some people like to be firemen and squirt water through their nose, but I like to be a elephant and squirt water through my nose, unquote. Alright. Never mind. Look. Never mind the circus. Boy, is it that late? Alright. Never mind.
Never mind the circus. We have other things to do. Oh, yes. Yes. But I can't forget about the circus, Adam. I come from a family of circus people. My uncle Rallo was the world's greatest kite rope walker. Yes? Until he broke his neck. Well, how how did he break his neck? One night, he was tight and the rope wasn't. Zip. Neck. I see. I see. I Yeah. I had a I met uncle. He he was six feet tall. He He used to stick his head in the lion's mouth. What's his name? Now we call him Shorty. No. Alright, cut down. I I've heard enough. Let's change this stuff, Jim. Oh, Abbot. You're talking about the happiest days of my life. What fun I used to have in a sideshow. I always used to tickle the tattooed lady with a feather. You tickle the tattooed lady? What for? To see moving pictures. The moving pictures. But she finally had to leave the circus at it. You mean the tattooed lady quit? No. She had her face lifted and threw all the pictures out of focus.
Got Stella. Now don't try to kid me. I don't believe you were ever near a circus. Oh, yeah. Well, here's a picture of me taken with a Eubanki girl. Let me see it. Wait a minute. I see the Ubengi girl, but I don't see you. I'm sitting in the shade of her lower lip. No. Look, Costello. Just what did you do at the circus? I used to train the wild zebras. You trained wild zebras? Mhmm. Now don't make me laugh. You don't even know what a zebra is? Oh, no. A zebra is a black horse with Venetian blinds. Well, hello, fellas. Oh, it's Ken Niles. What's cooking, boy? Nothing's cooking, Niles. You brought that aroma in, will you? No. No. No. No. I'll cut that out. Say, Ken, Costello was just telling me that, there's a circus in town. Did you see the parade? Indeed I did, bud. I know all about that circus. In fact, my lovely wife helped bring the circus to Hollywood. What did she do? Pull one of the wagons?
[00:04:48] Unknown:
Now look here, Costello. You can't compare my wife to a horse. You're right. Her ears are too long.
[00:04:54] Unknown:
Costello, will you be quiet?
[00:04:57] Unknown:
What did you mean, Ken, about your wife bringing the circus to town? Well, bud, my wife is cochairman of the big Hollywood benefit carnival and circus. Mhmm. She's been up every night preparing for this big carnival. That's why she has those little crow's feet under her eyes. Little crow's feet? Brother, those crows must have been wearing baseball shoes.
[00:05:17] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that remark, you overgrown hippopotamus.
[00:05:20] Unknown:
I said it for you to hear this. Take it easy, Costello. What are you wearing? Well, never mind. There's an there's an army man outside who wants to talk to you. An army man? What does he want? He wants you to replace a tank for active duty. How do you see what you're selling, Costello? Always fighting. Nobody will like you. Oh, I don't worry about that, Abbot. I'm the kind of guy that grows on people.
[00:05:44] Unknown:
The only trouble is, Costello. A little too much of you grew on you.
[00:05:52] Unknown:
Oh, you sure stole him that time? Yeah. You choose you, don't you?
[00:05:56] Unknown:
Oh, darling. You're wonderful. To me, you're the only woman in the world. Oh, and Kenneth, my love, you're the only man in the world. You're the only woman in the world. Oh, and you're the only man in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just been listening to Adam and Eve.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
Oh, stop it, please, Costello. Missus Niles, Ken was just telling us that you're co chairman of the Hollywood benefit carnival. That's right, mister Abbott. And I'm asking all the movie stars to donate their services. Well, I don't know exactly what I can do, missus Niles, but Costello here was just telling me that he used to be with a circus.
[00:06:38] Unknown:
Cops tell over the circus.
[00:06:41] Unknown:
What cage was he in? What cage was I in? I was in there with a little I wasn't in any cage, kid. I used to manage somebody. I used to manage the great ministrone. He was the greatest ice diver in the world. I didn't know I had to continue. He used to dive 500 feet from the top of the tent into a pail of water. Dive 500 feet into a pail of water? Nobody can do that. He did it once. Never mind what he did. Love, Costello. Never mind what he did. What can you do in this circus? For example, are you an equestrian? I'm an American. No.
[00:07:25] Unknown:
No, Costello. Now how would you like to ride bareback?
[00:07:29] Unknown:
What? In front of all those people? Listen, you dummy. Do you know anything about trick riding? Oh, you mean you mean am I an equestrian? Well, Stanford and Abbott. I'm the best trick rider ever saw. You are? One time in the circus, I rode two horses standing up. One foot on one horse and the other foot on the other horse. And what happened? Suddenly, an elephant came between us. One horse went one way. The other horse went the other way. I bet that was a laugh. Laugh? I thought I'd split.
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Oh, shut up.
[00:08:06] Unknown:
Rattling the Equator off the West Coast Of South America are the Galapagos Islands guarding the Pacific approaches to the Panama Canal. To Americans stationed in the Galapagos Islands, to United States bases and outposts throughout the world go camel cigarettes by the million, by the ton. For camels are first with men in all the services according to actual sales records. And the Camel cigarettes that reach the Pacific Islands as well as the Camels that reach you are fresh, cool smoking, and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Both at home and overseas, more people want Campbell's now. More people want the fresh cigarette, the cigarette with more flavor. So remember, if your store is sold out today, Campbell cigarettes are worth asking for again. 6AM
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PM.
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Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of costlier tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. Freddie Rachel, the orchestra, has for many requests for speak low.
[00:10:46] Unknown:
Hey, hey, step this way for the big benefit circus show. Get your tickets right over there. Miss McKeever, she takes heat with us. Move every buckles of attention. Over here, we have Jojo, the dog faced boy. Hey, you fat man. Step over and see Jojo, the dog faced boy for a dog. Yeah. I wouldn't pay a quarter to see a dog faced boy. Say, ain't you, Luca Stello? Oh, yeah. You can go in for nothing. What? Courtesy to all freaks. Never mind him. Come on, Costello. We're expected at the manager's office. Missus Niles told her we'd be here. Wait a minute. Oh, here it is. Pardon me, miss. We'd like to, say, Costello. Look who it is. Sally Allers.
Hello, Sally. My name's Will Costello.
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Oh, don't bother about that. It can happen to anybody. You fellows are just in time. The show's about to go on, and our lion team request. Costello,
[00:11:45] Unknown:
do you know anything about lions? Do I know anything about lions? Because I know a lot of things about lions. One time I went lion hunting Africa with my brother, and I brought back a stuffed lion. What was the lion stuffed with? My brother.
[00:11:57] Unknown:
And another thing, kid, you ain't getting me in a cage with no lions. Oh, but you don't have to be afraid of this lion. He was raised on milk. So was I. But I eat meat now
[00:12:09] Unknown:
when I can get it. Oh, but this lion hasn't in his teeth. I know, but he cooked gum meat to pieces. Look, Gastello. This circus is for charity. You mean you won't go into that lion cage? No. Why should I risk you? Security and beauty.
[00:12:25] Unknown:
Perhaps lion taming is too dangerous. However, you can help at one of the concessions. Come over here with me. Now walk this way. I can't walk that way. Why not? You're wearing high heels.
[00:12:38] Unknown:
Alright. Shut up. Will you please? We find out what's going on around here. Now what do you want us to do over here, Sally? Well, bud, you and I will stand out at the counter and sell these baseballs. And Costello, you stick your head through that hole in the canvas. And what am I gonna see through that hole? Well, you might see some, big stars. You mean like Ginger Rogers and a lot of planets? Oh, no. No. No. More like, Jupiter and Mars. What studio do they work for? I know that head of LaMars, but that Jupiter No. I don't know. I know. But don't don't be stupid. Go ahead now. Come on. Be a nice little boy. Stick your head through the canvas. Attaboy. That's fine.
Alright, folks. Step right up. Three balls for a dime. Hit the little boy on the head. Alright, folks. Step right up. Step right up. Step right up. Step right up. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hit what boy on what head? And with what ball? We're talking about you, Costello. Yes. The people throw these baseballs at your head. If they hit you, they get a box of candy. I get a box box of aspirins. No. Nothing. Not. The First word was funny, wasn't it, Shane?
[00:13:43] Unknown:
You know what you do, Lou? When you see the ball coming, you duck. Yeah. But suppose I forget to duck. Oh, we've taken care of that. We furnish it with a safety cap. If the ball hits you, it bounces off the cap. Yes, ma'am.
[00:13:54] Unknown:
But did you ever take into consideration what makes the little ball bounce off the little cap? My head. I quit. Quit. Don't be silly. Lou, you can't get hurt. Oh, no? What happened to the guy who had this job before I took it? Oh, here here he comes now. Step aside and let the stretcher by. Stretcher? Stretcher? Hey, Adam. I'm gonna ask this guy on a stretcher a question. Hey, buddy. That's do those baseballs hurt you? How does your little head feel? Oh, my little head feels fine. Oh, good. In fact, I feel absolutely normal. Oh, that's so nice. I'm so glad you came to see me, miss Lamar. Miss Lamar.
That's all I wanna know for. Let me out of here. No. No. No. Don't be such a coward, Costello. Put your head back in that hole, and I'll throw a few, practice balls. Get ready now. Here comes the first one. Costello, get up. Get up off your knees and stop playing with those marbles. What marbles? I'm picking up my teeth. Miss Iders, would you mind scoping back, please? You are standing on the tooth that I do for my essence. This is for charity.
[00:15:07] Unknown:
Go ahead, bud. Throw another ball. It'll attract the crowd.
[00:15:16] Unknown:
Now what's the matter? Why aren't the sirens blowing? Why should the sirens blow? There's a blackout. Oh, Costello. Did he really hit you? Did he hit me with a slip on my head? A haircut will cost me double. I ain't hiking this job, Sally. Get another boy. Well, that's a fine thing. It's a fine thing coming from you, Costello. This is a benefit and for charity. And they need a hard headed man like you, and you want to crawl out from under. You should be ashamed of yourself.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
I guess I'm angry. I'll say you are. You could make hundreds of people happy. Think of the fun they could have throwing baseballs at your head. But no. You're selfish. You wanna quit and spoil their pleasure.
[00:16:03] Unknown:
I'm sorry. I'm a regular killjoy. Yes. You are a killjoy. Think of the mothers and fathers who bring their little kitties. Little teeny weeny kitties down here to laugh at you getting hit on the head. But do you care about the kitties? Do you care about the little teeny weeny kitties? No. No. Not you. I'm always thinking of myself. I'll say you are. Oh, I love being a boy. Hey, Abbot. Please don't tell my scout master, Rummy. Well, I should. Oh, please don't. If you do, he won't take me to Seagull or Brea Tar Pits. Oh, Sally. Sally.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
Oh, it's missus Nunez. Oh, Sally, my dear. I just came to the main tent. The wrestling match is about to start and something terrible happened. What's the matter? You forget to pull out the pipe. You forget to get your thighs or something.
[00:17:00] Unknown:
What kind of hypnosis?
[00:17:03] Unknown:
Oh, nothing of the sort. We arranged for a professional wrestler to take all comers, and he's broken his arm. We must get a substitute immediately.
[00:17:13] Unknown:
Someone with stamina, strength, and courage. And that man is Lou Costello. Oh. Yes. That man is cut it out, Abbot. I ain't gonna wrestle. My brother was a wrestler, and he got a terrible cauliflower ear. Oh, that's nothing. Lots of people have cauliflower ears. Yeah. But his is cream. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. Look, Lou. They'll announce you'll wrassle anybody. Then I'll jump into the ring first, and we'll pretend to wrassle. That's all there is to it. I got a better idea of it. Why can't I wrestle Sally Allis? Oh, but, Lou, that's silly. Boys don't wrestle with girls. Oh, she's so young. Get out of here.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
And now here's Connie Hayes, sings brand new songs. For the first time on the air, listen to Saltwater Cowboy.
[00:17:59] Unknown:
Who is that great
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big wonderful
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man? Wearing that fine coat of hands. He's a
[00:19:49] Unknown:
As the son of said after he bet on Bing Crosby's horses, they're going to run all night. All day too and with flat feet. Yes. That's plenty flat. Alright. And it can be worse in your cigarette. If wartime flatness is spoiling your smoking, get Camel. If you are looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke, Get Camel's for more flavor. You see, Camel's cigarettes are matchlessly blended of costlier tobaccos, blended to give them more flavor. And more flavor helps Camel's hold up, keep from going flat no matter how many you smoke. Give Camel cigarettes the t zone test. Your taste will prove to you that Camel's do have more flavor. And your throat will give you the last word on Camel's smooth extra mildness.
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[00:21:01] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. The tent is filling up. Are you all rest for the wrestling match with me? Yes. I'm already at it. Carver, look in these restaurant trunks. Wait a minute. What kind of trunks are those? What's that riding across the seat? Oh, that lights up, Abbot. And what does it say? Come to Joe's for dinner. What a spread. Alright. Alright. Alright. Let's let's get out there. The crowd's waiting. Hey. Look, Abbot. Remember one thing. When they call for volunteers to wrestle me, be sure you're the first one to get in the ring. There's some pretty tough guys out there. I don't wanna wrestle any one of them swing shift workers. Why not? Because when they swing, I might not shift. You wait here in the locker room, Cassell. I'll see if they're ready.
[00:21:42] Unknown:
Oh, Bud, Bud Abbott, I've got some wonderful news for you. We've got a great opponent for Cassell as a raffle. I want you to meet Alan Hale.
[00:21:55] Unknown:
Well, hello, bud.
[00:21:58] Unknown:
Where's that little meatballed partner of yours? I wanna bounce him around a little.
[00:22:03] Unknown:
But, wait a minute, Alan. Costello expects to wrestle me. Oh, no. He's my pigeon. I'm collecting waste fat. Gee, Allan. I don't think Costello's in good shape. Oh, don't worry. I'll straighten him out. I think I'll go in and take a look at the body. But don't let on that I'm wrestling him. I want it to come as a pleasant surprise. Oh, Lou, a friend of yours wants to say hello to you, Alan Hale. Oh, hello, Alan old boy. Did you come over here to watch me wrestle? Watch you? Why, Costello, I want you to feel that I'll be in there with you every minute. And tell me, Costello, have you ever had any wrestling experience? Oh, sure. One time I wrestled a champion of a act African tribe.
You banky? Yeah. And he bankied me right back. He upper cutted it me. Boys, now we can't stay in the locker room. The crowd's waiting. Okay, Sally. And don't worry, Abbot. I won't hurt you one bit. That's right, Abbot. He won't lay a hand on on you. I don't know what I'm laughing at. But after all, he is our guest star. Well, let's go, Costello. Into the ring. Ladies and gentlemen, the main match of the evening. In this honor, at two hundred and five pounds, blue canvas back, Costello. And in the other corner, the challenger at four hundred and ninety three pounds. Four hundred ninety three pounds? Hey, Abbot.
They're trying to make you look good, Abbott. The Warner Brothers star of the adventures of Mark Twain, mister Alan Hale. Alan Hale? Alan Hale? Abbot, when did you change your name? When did you start working for Waterproof instead of Universal? What are you making of pictures? You have pictures of Mark Twain? What's the matter? Hit me together? Why is that framing me? Hale, I'm supposed to wrestle you, Abbott or somebody. No matter who you're supposed to wrestle, Abbott's no match for you. He's certainly no match for you. Come on now, Costello. I'm gonna slam you on that canvas, step on your gizzet, and hit you on the head so hard you'll be wearing your socks for a turtleneck sweater. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And furthermore, I think you can do it. Come, come, boys. Let's get on with this wrestling match. I'm the referee. And as the referee, there's one thing I insist on, a clean fight. I want a clean fight. And I want a clean fight. Then why don't you two guys fight? I get kinda dirty. Quiet, Costello. Pay attention to the referee. Here's another thing. As the referee, I am not interested in either one of you. I am playing no favorites. No favorites. You understand that, Costello? Yes, sir. And do you understand that, mister Hale? Yeah, Charlie. And tell your sister I'll be over at 09:00. Wait a minute, Abbott. Hale, because that was the referee's sister. I'm janata here. Get back there, Costello. Now remember, at the bell, shake hands. I don't have to shake hands. Mine are shaken already.
Be a sport, Costello. Stick out your hand. Okay. My hand. Alan. Alan. My hand. Well, I can always use it for a flyswatter. Alright, boys. At the bell, stop to wrestle. Remember, one fall takes all. Costello, get in there and put up a great fight. Stop the match. Stop the match. We haven't started yet. I know, but I'm winded. Let's go, Costello. I'll mop up the floor with you. Oh, yeah? Let me tell you something, Al. You show me a tough guy and I'll show you a coward. Well, I'm a tough guy. Well, I'm a coward. Get ready now, Costello. Here's the toe hold.
Here's the leg hold. Here's a headlock. Here's a hammerlock. Here's your arm. Thanks. Come on, Costello. You're putting up a terrific fight. Oh, my nose. My nose. Hail, you flatten my nose. How will I smell?
[00:26:08] Unknown:
Shall I tell him?
[00:26:10] Unknown:
Keep going, Costello. Keep going. Get in there. See, Everest. I I think I've got him worried. He's afraid. Well, what do you mean he's afraid? He's afraid he's gonna kill me. Get set, Costello. I'm gonna give you a body slam. Wait a minute. Hey. Hey. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
[00:26:25] Unknown:
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
[00:26:29] Unknown:
Oh. Oh Who's jumping up? I'm bossing. Yeah. But blow in the towel. Blow in the towel right now. Why now? I don't think I'll be around this way again. Don't worry, Costello. And now I got a little something that'll settle this whole match. See if you like this airplane stiff. You ain't got no pilot slices, Hale. Let me go. Here you go. Way, way up in the air. Wait a second. Put me down. Hale. Put me Castello. Castello. Castello. Get up. The crowd's waiting for you to get back into the ring. Get out from under those seats. Abbott, I'm not going into that ring. You're not. You're talking like a collet. Where's your backbone? Yeah, Costello. Where's your backbone? I don't know where it is, and I'm not going back in there till I find it.
[00:27:36] Unknown:
Adam and Gaston will be back in just a moment.
[00:27:43] Unknown:
Thanks to the yanks of the week. Tonight, we salute lieutenant colonel William Navarette of Lakeland, South Carolina who has been awarded the distinguished service cross for extraordinary heroism. Leading a flight of only seven American fighters over the Aegean Sea, he sighted 30 German planes about to bomb an allied convoy. He attacked immediately, and knowing that his ammunition was limited, waited until he was dangerously close to each German plane before firing. Colonel Leverette personally destroyed seven enemy planes and damaged two others, while the other six pilots destroyed 10 more without a single loss. In honor of you and your men, Colonel William Leverette, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel
[00:28:29] Unknown:
cigarettes.
[00:28:34] Unknown:
Each of the four camel radio shows honors the yank of the week, sends 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravan to thank audiences of more than three and a half million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Four times a week. A short way to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante. Saturday to Bob Hawke in thanks to the Yanks. Monday to Blondie. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello with our guest, miss Linda Darnell.
[00:29:07] Unknown:
And now here's Abbott with the final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costello, you certainly made a fool of yourself tonight. Now I want you to be very careful next week with Linda Darnell. Why, Abbott? Well, you know, Linda used to be, in the circus business in the mind reading act in Glaudeville. She can read your mind. She can't read my mind, brother. Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, hello, Linda. Abbott. Is Linda Darnell? No. Hello, Linda. What do you know? Well, Costello, did, Linda read your mind? She must have. It's the first time I ever got slapped over the phone. Oh, good night, folks. Good night, neighbors.
[00:29:59] Unknown:
Many you smoke, get Camel's for more flames. This is Ken Niles wishing a very pleasant good night from Hollywood. More pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the whole world. Here's one reason why. Prince Albert's no bite treated to keep your pipe from biting your tongue. Yes, sir. Because Prince Albert's no bite treated to give you cool, tongue happy smoking comfort. PA's crimp cut too to pack and burn and draw just right. The big red two ounce package of Prince Albert holds around 50 rich tasting swell smoking pipe pulls. And believe me, each one is mighty convincing proof that PA stands for pipe appeal. More pipes smoke Prince Albert. It's the national joy smoke.
[00:30:42] Unknown:
This is the National Broadcasting Company.
[00:30:45] Unknown:
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[00:01:01] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
A laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer Solitaire.
[00:01:12] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:45] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarettes that's first in the service. Camel stay fresh, cool smoking, and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Ridge and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haines. Tonight's guest, Sally Eilers and Alan Hale, Warner Brothers star of Adventures of Mark Twain, and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
[00:02:21] Unknown:
Alright. What's all the excitement? Oh, well, it's a big circus. Here's team this town, and I've been out watching the parade. What a parade. First came the elephants. Accidents come the clowns. And after the clowns came the beautiful lady good diver on a big white horse. Wait a minute, Al. What came after Lady Godiva? Me and every sailor in California. Pastel, aren't you a little old to be following parade? Oh, not me, Abbot. I'm crazy about circuit parade. I love those big elephants. Quote, some people like to be firemen and squirt water through their nose, but I like to be a elephant and squirt water through my nose, unquote. Alright. Never mind. Look. Never mind the circus. Boy, is it that late? Alright. Never mind.
Never mind the circus. We have other things to do. Oh, yes. Yes. But I can't forget about the circus, Adam. I come from a family of circus people. My uncle Rallo was the world's greatest kite rope walker. Yes? Until he broke his neck. Well, how how did he break his neck? One night, he was tight and the rope wasn't. Zip. Neck. I see. I see. I Yeah. I had a I met uncle. He he was six feet tall. He He used to stick his head in the lion's mouth. What's his name? Now we call him Shorty. No. Alright, cut down. I I've heard enough. Let's change this stuff, Jim. Oh, Abbot. You're talking about the happiest days of my life. What fun I used to have in a sideshow. I always used to tickle the tattooed lady with a feather. You tickle the tattooed lady? What for? To see moving pictures. The moving pictures. But she finally had to leave the circus at it. You mean the tattooed lady quit? No. She had her face lifted and threw all the pictures out of focus.
Got Stella. Now don't try to kid me. I don't believe you were ever near a circus. Oh, yeah. Well, here's a picture of me taken with a Eubanki girl. Let me see it. Wait a minute. I see the Ubengi girl, but I don't see you. I'm sitting in the shade of her lower lip. No. Look, Costello. Just what did you do at the circus? I used to train the wild zebras. You trained wild zebras? Mhmm. Now don't make me laugh. You don't even know what a zebra is? Oh, no. A zebra is a black horse with Venetian blinds. Well, hello, fellas. Oh, it's Ken Niles. What's cooking, boy? Nothing's cooking, Niles. You brought that aroma in, will you? No. No. No. No. I'll cut that out. Say, Ken, Costello was just telling me that, there's a circus in town. Did you see the parade? Indeed I did, bud. I know all about that circus. In fact, my lovely wife helped bring the circus to Hollywood. What did she do? Pull one of the wagons?
[00:04:48] Unknown:
Now look here, Costello. You can't compare my wife to a horse. You're right. Her ears are too long.
[00:04:54] Unknown:
Costello, will you be quiet?
[00:04:57] Unknown:
What did you mean, Ken, about your wife bringing the circus to town? Well, bud, my wife is cochairman of the big Hollywood benefit carnival and circus. Mhmm. She's been up every night preparing for this big carnival. That's why she has those little crow's feet under her eyes. Little crow's feet? Brother, those crows must have been wearing baseball shoes.
[00:05:17] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that remark, you overgrown hippopotamus.
[00:05:20] Unknown:
I said it for you to hear this. Take it easy, Costello. What are you wearing? Well, never mind. There's an there's an army man outside who wants to talk to you. An army man? What does he want? He wants you to replace a tank for active duty. How do you see what you're selling, Costello? Always fighting. Nobody will like you. Oh, I don't worry about that, Abbot. I'm the kind of guy that grows on people.
[00:05:44] Unknown:
The only trouble is, Costello. A little too much of you grew on you.
[00:05:52] Unknown:
Oh, you sure stole him that time? Yeah. You choose you, don't you?
[00:05:56] Unknown:
Oh, darling. You're wonderful. To me, you're the only woman in the world. Oh, and Kenneth, my love, you're the only man in the world. You're the only woman in the world. Oh, and you're the only man in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just been listening to Adam and Eve.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
Oh, stop it, please, Costello. Missus Niles, Ken was just telling us that you're co chairman of the Hollywood benefit carnival. That's right, mister Abbott. And I'm asking all the movie stars to donate their services. Well, I don't know exactly what I can do, missus Niles, but Costello here was just telling me that he used to be with a circus.
[00:06:38] Unknown:
Cops tell over the circus.
[00:06:41] Unknown:
What cage was he in? What cage was I in? I was in there with a little I wasn't in any cage, kid. I used to manage somebody. I used to manage the great ministrone. He was the greatest ice diver in the world. I didn't know I had to continue. He used to dive 500 feet from the top of the tent into a pail of water. Dive 500 feet into a pail of water? Nobody can do that. He did it once. Never mind what he did. Love, Costello. Never mind what he did. What can you do in this circus? For example, are you an equestrian? I'm an American. No.
[00:07:25] Unknown:
No, Costello. Now how would you like to ride bareback?
[00:07:29] Unknown:
What? In front of all those people? Listen, you dummy. Do you know anything about trick riding? Oh, you mean you mean am I an equestrian? Well, Stanford and Abbott. I'm the best trick rider ever saw. You are? One time in the circus, I rode two horses standing up. One foot on one horse and the other foot on the other horse. And what happened? Suddenly, an elephant came between us. One horse went one way. The other horse went the other way. I bet that was a laugh. Laugh? I thought I'd split.
[00:07:58] Unknown:
Oh, shut up.
[00:08:06] Unknown:
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PM.
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Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of costlier tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. Freddie Rachel, the orchestra, has for many requests for speak low.
[00:10:46] Unknown:
Hey, hey, step this way for the big benefit circus show. Get your tickets right over there. Miss McKeever, she takes heat with us. Move every buckles of attention. Over here, we have Jojo, the dog faced boy. Hey, you fat man. Step over and see Jojo, the dog faced boy for a dog. Yeah. I wouldn't pay a quarter to see a dog faced boy. Say, ain't you, Luca Stello? Oh, yeah. You can go in for nothing. What? Courtesy to all freaks. Never mind him. Come on, Costello. We're expected at the manager's office. Missus Niles told her we'd be here. Wait a minute. Oh, here it is. Pardon me, miss. We'd like to, say, Costello. Look who it is. Sally Allers.
Hello, Sally. My name's Will Costello.
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Oh, don't bother about that. It can happen to anybody. You fellows are just in time. The show's about to go on, and our lion team request. Costello,
[00:11:45] Unknown:
do you know anything about lions? Do I know anything about lions? Because I know a lot of things about lions. One time I went lion hunting Africa with my brother, and I brought back a stuffed lion. What was the lion stuffed with? My brother.
[00:11:57] Unknown:
And another thing, kid, you ain't getting me in a cage with no lions. Oh, but you don't have to be afraid of this lion. He was raised on milk. So was I. But I eat meat now
[00:12:09] Unknown:
when I can get it. Oh, but this lion hasn't in his teeth. I know, but he cooked gum meat to pieces. Look, Gastello. This circus is for charity. You mean you won't go into that lion cage? No. Why should I risk you? Security and beauty.
[00:12:25] Unknown:
Perhaps lion taming is too dangerous. However, you can help at one of the concessions. Come over here with me. Now walk this way. I can't walk that way. Why not? You're wearing high heels.
[00:12:38] Unknown:
Alright. Shut up. Will you please? We find out what's going on around here. Now what do you want us to do over here, Sally? Well, bud, you and I will stand out at the counter and sell these baseballs. And Costello, you stick your head through that hole in the canvas. And what am I gonna see through that hole? Well, you might see some, big stars. You mean like Ginger Rogers and a lot of planets? Oh, no. No. No. More like, Jupiter and Mars. What studio do they work for? I know that head of LaMars, but that Jupiter No. I don't know. I know. But don't don't be stupid. Go ahead now. Come on. Be a nice little boy. Stick your head through the canvas. Attaboy. That's fine.
Alright, folks. Step right up. Three balls for a dime. Hit the little boy on the head. Alright, folks. Step right up. Step right up. Step right up. Step right up. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hit what boy on what head? And with what ball? We're talking about you, Costello. Yes. The people throw these baseballs at your head. If they hit you, they get a box of candy. I get a box box of aspirins. No. Nothing. Not. The First word was funny, wasn't it, Shane?
[00:13:43] Unknown:
You know what you do, Lou? When you see the ball coming, you duck. Yeah. But suppose I forget to duck. Oh, we've taken care of that. We furnish it with a safety cap. If the ball hits you, it bounces off the cap. Yes, ma'am.
[00:13:54] Unknown:
But did you ever take into consideration what makes the little ball bounce off the little cap? My head. I quit. Quit. Don't be silly. Lou, you can't get hurt. Oh, no? What happened to the guy who had this job before I took it? Oh, here here he comes now. Step aside and let the stretcher by. Stretcher? Stretcher? Hey, Adam. I'm gonna ask this guy on a stretcher a question. Hey, buddy. That's do those baseballs hurt you? How does your little head feel? Oh, my little head feels fine. Oh, good. In fact, I feel absolutely normal. Oh, that's so nice. I'm so glad you came to see me, miss Lamar. Miss Lamar.
That's all I wanna know for. Let me out of here. No. No. No. Don't be such a coward, Costello. Put your head back in that hole, and I'll throw a few, practice balls. Get ready now. Here comes the first one. Costello, get up. Get up off your knees and stop playing with those marbles. What marbles? I'm picking up my teeth. Miss Iders, would you mind scoping back, please? You are standing on the tooth that I do for my essence. This is for charity.
[00:15:07] Unknown:
Go ahead, bud. Throw another ball. It'll attract the crowd.
[00:15:16] Unknown:
Now what's the matter? Why aren't the sirens blowing? Why should the sirens blow? There's a blackout. Oh, Costello. Did he really hit you? Did he hit me with a slip on my head? A haircut will cost me double. I ain't hiking this job, Sally. Get another boy. Well, that's a fine thing. It's a fine thing coming from you, Costello. This is a benefit and for charity. And they need a hard headed man like you, and you want to crawl out from under. You should be ashamed of yourself.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
I guess I'm angry. I'll say you are. You could make hundreds of people happy. Think of the fun they could have throwing baseballs at your head. But no. You're selfish. You wanna quit and spoil their pleasure.
[00:16:03] Unknown:
I'm sorry. I'm a regular killjoy. Yes. You are a killjoy. Think of the mothers and fathers who bring their little kitties. Little teeny weeny kitties down here to laugh at you getting hit on the head. But do you care about the kitties? Do you care about the little teeny weeny kitties? No. No. Not you. I'm always thinking of myself. I'll say you are. Oh, I love being a boy. Hey, Abbot. Please don't tell my scout master, Rummy. Well, I should. Oh, please don't. If you do, he won't take me to Seagull or Brea Tar Pits. Oh, Sally. Sally.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
Oh, it's missus Nunez. Oh, Sally, my dear. I just came to the main tent. The wrestling match is about to start and something terrible happened. What's the matter? You forget to pull out the pipe. You forget to get your thighs or something.
[00:17:00] Unknown:
What kind of hypnosis?
[00:17:03] Unknown:
Oh, nothing of the sort. We arranged for a professional wrestler to take all comers, and he's broken his arm. We must get a substitute immediately.
[00:17:13] Unknown:
Someone with stamina, strength, and courage. And that man is Lou Costello. Oh. Yes. That man is cut it out, Abbot. I ain't gonna wrestle. My brother was a wrestler, and he got a terrible cauliflower ear. Oh, that's nothing. Lots of people have cauliflower ears. Yeah. But his is cream. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. Look, Lou. They'll announce you'll wrassle anybody. Then I'll jump into the ring first, and we'll pretend to wrassle. That's all there is to it. I got a better idea of it. Why can't I wrestle Sally Allis? Oh, but, Lou, that's silly. Boys don't wrestle with girls. Oh, she's so young. Get out of here.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
And now here's Connie Hayes, sings brand new songs. For the first time on the air, listen to Saltwater Cowboy.
[00:17:59] Unknown:
Who is that great
[00:18:02] Unknown:
big wonderful
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man? Wearing that fine coat of hands. He's a
[00:19:49] Unknown:
As the son of said after he bet on Bing Crosby's horses, they're going to run all night. All day too and with flat feet. Yes. That's plenty flat. Alright. And it can be worse in your cigarette. If wartime flatness is spoiling your smoking, get Camel. If you are looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke, Get Camel's for more flavor. You see, Camel's cigarettes are matchlessly blended of costlier tobaccos, blended to give them more flavor. And more flavor helps Camel's hold up, keep from going flat no matter how many you smoke. Give Camel cigarettes the t zone test. Your taste will prove to you that Camel's do have more flavor. And your throat will give you the last word on Camel's smooth extra mildness.
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[00:21:01] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. The tent is filling up. Are you all rest for the wrestling match with me? Yes. I'm already at it. Carver, look in these restaurant trunks. Wait a minute. What kind of trunks are those? What's that riding across the seat? Oh, that lights up, Abbot. And what does it say? Come to Joe's for dinner. What a spread. Alright. Alright. Alright. Let's let's get out there. The crowd's waiting. Hey. Look, Abbot. Remember one thing. When they call for volunteers to wrestle me, be sure you're the first one to get in the ring. There's some pretty tough guys out there. I don't wanna wrestle any one of them swing shift workers. Why not? Because when they swing, I might not shift. You wait here in the locker room, Cassell. I'll see if they're ready.
[00:21:42] Unknown:
Oh, Bud, Bud Abbott, I've got some wonderful news for you. We've got a great opponent for Cassell as a raffle. I want you to meet Alan Hale.
[00:21:55] Unknown:
Well, hello, bud.
[00:21:58] Unknown:
Where's that little meatballed partner of yours? I wanna bounce him around a little.
[00:22:03] Unknown:
But, wait a minute, Alan. Costello expects to wrestle me. Oh, no. He's my pigeon. I'm collecting waste fat. Gee, Allan. I don't think Costello's in good shape. Oh, don't worry. I'll straighten him out. I think I'll go in and take a look at the body. But don't let on that I'm wrestling him. I want it to come as a pleasant surprise. Oh, Lou, a friend of yours wants to say hello to you, Alan Hale. Oh, hello, Alan old boy. Did you come over here to watch me wrestle? Watch you? Why, Costello, I want you to feel that I'll be in there with you every minute. And tell me, Costello, have you ever had any wrestling experience? Oh, sure. One time I wrestled a champion of a act African tribe.
You banky? Yeah. And he bankied me right back. He upper cutted it me. Boys, now we can't stay in the locker room. The crowd's waiting. Okay, Sally. And don't worry, Abbot. I won't hurt you one bit. That's right, Abbot. He won't lay a hand on on you. I don't know what I'm laughing at. But after all, he is our guest star. Well, let's go, Costello. Into the ring. Ladies and gentlemen, the main match of the evening. In this honor, at two hundred and five pounds, blue canvas back, Costello. And in the other corner, the challenger at four hundred and ninety three pounds. Four hundred ninety three pounds? Hey, Abbot.
They're trying to make you look good, Abbott. The Warner Brothers star of the adventures of Mark Twain, mister Alan Hale. Alan Hale? Alan Hale? Abbot, when did you change your name? When did you start working for Waterproof instead of Universal? What are you making of pictures? You have pictures of Mark Twain? What's the matter? Hit me together? Why is that framing me? Hale, I'm supposed to wrestle you, Abbott or somebody. No matter who you're supposed to wrestle, Abbott's no match for you. He's certainly no match for you. Come on now, Costello. I'm gonna slam you on that canvas, step on your gizzet, and hit you on the head so hard you'll be wearing your socks for a turtleneck sweater. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And furthermore, I think you can do it. Come, come, boys. Let's get on with this wrestling match. I'm the referee. And as the referee, there's one thing I insist on, a clean fight. I want a clean fight. And I want a clean fight. Then why don't you two guys fight? I get kinda dirty. Quiet, Costello. Pay attention to the referee. Here's another thing. As the referee, I am not interested in either one of you. I am playing no favorites. No favorites. You understand that, Costello? Yes, sir. And do you understand that, mister Hale? Yeah, Charlie. And tell your sister I'll be over at 09:00. Wait a minute, Abbott. Hale, because that was the referee's sister. I'm janata here. Get back there, Costello. Now remember, at the bell, shake hands. I don't have to shake hands. Mine are shaken already.
Be a sport, Costello. Stick out your hand. Okay. My hand. Alan. Alan. My hand. Well, I can always use it for a flyswatter. Alright, boys. At the bell, stop to wrestle. Remember, one fall takes all. Costello, get in there and put up a great fight. Stop the match. Stop the match. We haven't started yet. I know, but I'm winded. Let's go, Costello. I'll mop up the floor with you. Oh, yeah? Let me tell you something, Al. You show me a tough guy and I'll show you a coward. Well, I'm a tough guy. Well, I'm a coward. Get ready now, Costello. Here's the toe hold.
Here's the leg hold. Here's a headlock. Here's a hammerlock. Here's your arm. Thanks. Come on, Costello. You're putting up a terrific fight. Oh, my nose. My nose. Hail, you flatten my nose. How will I smell?
[00:26:08] Unknown:
Shall I tell him?
[00:26:10] Unknown:
Keep going, Costello. Keep going. Get in there. See, Everest. I I think I've got him worried. He's afraid. Well, what do you mean he's afraid? He's afraid he's gonna kill me. Get set, Costello. I'm gonna give you a body slam. Wait a minute. Hey. Hey. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
[00:26:25] Unknown:
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
[00:26:29] Unknown:
Oh. Oh Who's jumping up? I'm bossing. Yeah. But blow in the towel. Blow in the towel right now. Why now? I don't think I'll be around this way again. Don't worry, Costello. And now I got a little something that'll settle this whole match. See if you like this airplane stiff. You ain't got no pilot slices, Hale. Let me go. Here you go. Way, way up in the air. Wait a second. Put me down. Hale. Put me Castello. Castello. Castello. Get up. The crowd's waiting for you to get back into the ring. Get out from under those seats. Abbott, I'm not going into that ring. You're not. You're talking like a collet. Where's your backbone? Yeah, Costello. Where's your backbone? I don't know where it is, and I'm not going back in there till I find it.
[00:27:36] Unknown:
Adam and Gaston will be back in just a moment.
[00:27:43] Unknown:
Thanks to the yanks of the week. Tonight, we salute lieutenant colonel William Navarette of Lakeland, South Carolina who has been awarded the distinguished service cross for extraordinary heroism. Leading a flight of only seven American fighters over the Aegean Sea, he sighted 30 German planes about to bomb an allied convoy. He attacked immediately, and knowing that his ammunition was limited, waited until he was dangerously close to each German plane before firing. Colonel Leverette personally destroyed seven enemy planes and damaged two others, while the other six pilots destroyed 10 more without a single loss. In honor of you and your men, Colonel William Leverette, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel
[00:28:29] Unknown:
cigarettes.
[00:28:34] Unknown:
Each of the four camel radio shows honors the yank of the week, sends 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravan to thank audiences of more than three and a half million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Four times a week. A short way to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante. Saturday to Bob Hawke in thanks to the Yanks. Monday to Blondie. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello with our guest, miss Linda Darnell.
[00:29:07] Unknown:
And now here's Abbott with the final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costello, you certainly made a fool of yourself tonight. Now I want you to be very careful next week with Linda Darnell. Why, Abbott? Well, you know, Linda used to be, in the circus business in the mind reading act in Glaudeville. She can read your mind. She can't read my mind, brother. Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, hello, Linda. Abbott. Is Linda Darnell? No. Hello, Linda. What do you know? Well, Costello, did, Linda read your mind? She must have. It's the first time I ever got slapped over the phone. Oh, good night, folks. Good night, neighbors.
[00:29:59] Unknown:
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[00:30:42] Unknown:
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[00:30:45] Unknown:
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