In this episode, we dive into a hilarious and chaotic conversation between Abbott and Costello, where they explore the trials and tribulations of love, marriage, and social etiquette. The duo navigates through a series of comedic sketches, including a visit to a charm school where Costello learns the finer points of dining etiquette, albeit with his usual bumbling flair. Their banter is filled with witty exchanges and classic humor, as Costello's misunderstandings and Abbott's attempts to guide him lead to laugh-out-loud moments.
As the episode unfolds, Costello finds himself in a series of awkward social situations, from a disastrous date with Emma Fiddle Buster to a high-class nightclub experience that goes hilariously wrong. The episode is a rollercoaster of comedic scenarios, showcasing the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello. Whether it's Costello's attempts to woo a girl or his struggles with paying a hefty restaurant bill, the episode is a testament to the comedic genius of the duo, leaving listeners in stitches.
(00:15) Introduction and Fun Facts
(00:45) Costello's Confusion and Divorce Court
(03:01) Marriage and Engagements
(06:05) Dating Adventures and Mishaps
(10:05) Charm School Etiquette
(15:18) Nightclub Antics and the Bill
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What happened at Luca Nello? Hey, Costello. What? What are you so excited about? What's the matter with you? I don't know, Abbott. I'm all mixed up. In my room, I got a big picture of Lauren Bacall on the ceiling. Yes. And on my dress, I got a picture of Rita Hayworth. On the walls, I got two pictures of Betty Grable. And under my pillow, I got a picture of Darcy Lamore in a sarong. And I think I'm going nuts. Why? All night long, I keep dreaming of Gino Tree's horse. Well, talk sense, Cartel. What were you doing in the courthouse this morning? Oh, I was there to see my uncle Artie Stebbins get his divorce. Was it an interesting divorce trial? Oh, sure. The judge said, mister Stebbins, I'm paying you the divorce, and I'm gonna give your wife thirty five dollars a week. And what did Adi say to that? He said, that's mighty nice of you, judge. I'll try to slip her a buck every now and then myself. Now Lou, that was ridiculous.
What were the grounds for the divorce? Misrepresentation. She said that before they were married, uncle Artie told her he was well off. Well, was he? He was, but he didn't know it then. Well, she must have had better grounds than that. Well, what else did she claim? Well, she wanted to get rid of him because she was always getting indifferent. Artie was getting indifferent? Yeah. He was getting in different girls' apartments every night. Oh, stop that nonsense, please. I'm glad I went to the throttle, the rabbit. I found out what causes a hundred percent of the divorce cases. So you know what causes all the divorces? Yep. What? Marriage? Oh, you know you know nothing about marriage, Costello? Marriage is a great institution. Yeah. But who wants to live in an institution?
Costello, marriage is wonderful. Yeah. Marriage is like a three ring circus. A three ring circus? Yep. Engagement ring, marriage ring, and suffering. How can you Benin' up. Never mind. No. I'm lost already. Alright. Fuck it isn't. Fuck it. Fuck it. You talk like that, Gastel. You've never been a husband. In fact, you don't even know what a husband alright. What is a husband? A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed. Costello, you're a dog, but you don't have to worry about marriage. Very few women would marry you. Very few would be an outbound. Look. What happened to that girl you used to go with? Ruby, pool cue. I thought you two were engaged. We was, Abbott. You are. But I broke it all up. I told her to keep the ring. You mean you are willing to lose an expensive diamond engagement ring? That's right. What's a fuck and a half to a man with a broken heart?
Ruby went ahead and she married Stinky Rappaport. Stinky Rappaport? Stinky Rappaport? I give them a beautiful set of silver. Table silver? No. Pocket silver. 4 dimes and a quarter. That's all sense, Godzilla. Why don't you try to meet some nice girl and go steady? Oh, yeah. But I met one last night in a movie, and I took her out. She was an usher. How do you mean she's an usherette? What? Usher et. Yes. She ate and she drank. She ate like a horse. She had a nose bag with her. Alright. Never mind. You know, we had a wonderful time, Abby. We did. Then I took her home and we sat in a parlor. Just the two of it. Oh, it must have been romantic. Romantic. We sat on the sofa and I read her a love story. Then suddenly she reached over and switched off the light. And what did you do? I turned it on again. Who can read in the dark? Oh.
What a guy. You're in the Apollo with a beautiful girl and you read a book. Why don't you take her to a dance? Paul, I'm all through with dancing. What do you mean? I took Cleopatra for a dance last night. Cleopatra. Cleopatra. Yep. You idiot. Cleopatra has been dead for two thousand years. No wonder she couldn't lumb her. Costello, go backwards to something else. All I did is look, Costello, why don't you try to make a hit with that little girl my wife introduced to you? Oh, sweetheart. Sweetheart. Sweetheart. Yeah. I had to give her up, Abbot. Why? Her father didn't like me. Her father wanted you to marry her. I said he didn't like me. Her father said he'd pay half your expenses if you got married. Yeah. But who's gonna pay the other half? Sally, you're always thinking about money. When I when I got married, I was just a struggling,
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young
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actor. Struggling I will get out. Sometimes I get lost. Yes. You don't know where you are. Well, I was still struggling. Thank you. I'm and how you were struck I still was stuck. I know you struck but you didn't get away. Oh, no. That fella. You're an imbecile. You lose all your girls. Look. What happened to your engagement at Tessie Tinfoil? It's broken. Did you break it? Nope. Did she break it? Nope. Then how does it get broken? Well, Tessie told me what a closed course, and I told her what my salary was. And when the engagement, judge just sort of sagged in the middle and busted by itself. Counselor. Both of us better get glass.
Counselor, how did you happen to meet, testing team for you on the first place? Well, I went down to the bank and threw out my money. Yes. There she was. Five minutes later, we were engaged. You asked the girl to marry you and you only knew her five minutes. That's right. Abbott, you'd be amazed what you can do when you meet somebody if you don't waste time shaking hands. What? What became of Tessie Tinfoil? Oh, Tessie's an MP in the Navy. An MP in the Navy? What does she do? She keeps the wolves away from the waves. Because the what? Why aren't you more like your brother Pat now? There's a happily married man. Why I heard Pat's wife say she couldn't wait to hear the patter of little feet around the house. Well, Abbott, your information, it won't be long now. You mean? Yep. Pat's taking up pot dancing. Doc. You're hopeless. What's wrong with that? Now wait a minute.
You don't even know how to look at a girl. I don't. Hello? Yes. There is. That's awful. That guy ought to be ashamed of himself. Oh, that's terrible. Goodbye. Who is that? The police department. They're after a peeping tom who's been looking into the chorus girls' dressing rooms over Erocarol Stater from the roof of this building. Boy, I'd hate to be in that guy's shoes when those cops get through with them. Yep. I gotta go now, Robert. See you later. Wait a minute. Where are you going? I'm gonna sell my binoculars. Get him out of here. Well, Costello, I've arranged a one hold date for you. My wife fix it up for you. Take our girlfriend out, Emma Fiddle Buster. Emma Fiddle Buster? Not me, Abbott. I took that game to a restaurant once, and on the way out, the manager searched me. Well, Castello, you have an honest face. Why did the manager search search you? Well, he took one look at Emma Piddle Buster, and he said if you'll walk out of here with her, your life will walk out of here with anything.
How can you say that, Costello? Emma is a blonde, and you go out with any blonde. I would not. Name one. No, it's an Eddie. Oh. Right. Costello. Hey. Here comes Emma now. Oh, good evening, miss, Fiddle Buster. Oh, god. I believe you know my partner, Lou Costello.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
Oh, yes. It seems to be I met you someplace before, mister Costello. Oh, I don't think so. I never go to the zoo.
[00:08:16] Unknown:
Get the kisser on this kiss. Oh, now I remember you annoyed me one whole evening. I never even looked at at you. Well, isn't that annoying? And if I remember correctly, you winked at me with your good eye. That's one in the middle.
[00:08:37] Unknown:
Did did I try to kiss you? No. Well, then it wasn't me.
[00:08:40] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
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No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No Oh,
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no. Costello, why don't you like me? I've been told that I'm beautiful. That's why Lana Turner and I are sisters under the skin. Well, call back under the skin and send out Lana, kid. Oh, let me out of here to talk.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Well, Costello, what do you think of miss, Fiddle Buster?
[00:09:13] Unknown:
Well, what do you think? I'll tell you what I think. But if you wanna get me a date, why don't you ask Connie Haines to go out with me? She's wonderful. I love her voice. Connie has a grand voice. Do you like a range? Like a range? I like a whole kitchen. Well, look, I I'll get you a date with Connie Haines on one condition. You must promise not to kiss her because if you kiss her, her mother will worry. Okay, Abbot. I won't kiss her. I'll let her kiss me. Let my mother worry. I mean, no wonder girls won't go out with you. Is that so? I know how to treat a girl, Abbott. First up, I have flowers and candy. And then? Then I take her to a show, and then I take her to a cabaret. I spend 7 or $8, then we walk along until we meet a sailor. Then what? Oh, I can always find my own way home. No. Well, Cartel, I'm going to arrange you to take Connie Haines to a nightclub. But first, I must be sure you will conduct yourself like a gentleman. Come with me. Where we going? I'm going to put you through a complete course of social etiquette at the charm school. Come on. Let's go.
Well, here we are at the charm school. What took us so long? Give us music. We're there. That's it. Alright. And I'm not a threat. Come on. We're here just the same. Oh, welcome. Welcome to my school, gentlemen. I'm professor Mellenhair. Gentlemen, I teach charm. Abba, get me out of here. This guy couldn't charm a snake. Quiet, Godzilla. Okay. Young man, I'll have you know that I do teach charm. Why? With that head, you should be teaching Billyards. You hand me a cue, Abbott, and I'll run snooker with a stone. No. No. No. No. Take it easy, Godzilla. Professor Melvin Head is an expert at etiquette. I know he etiquette. You know what? I know he etiquette. You can see he etiquette. He still got the tail on his upper lip. I know.
Oh, you're quiet, you obese buffoon. Continue. Oh, thank you. My high forehead denotes intelligence. Brain, my boy, that's where I shine. Well, why don't you take some of the shine off your head and put it on your shoes? From behind your skull looks like an empty parking lot. Castello, will you behave yourself? Now, tut tut, let me handle him, mister Abbott. I'll transform this boy into a perfect gentleman. Now, our first lesson here in charm is how to behave at home. Castello, what would you do when the butler enters the room? We ain't got no butler in my house. No butler? My dear boy, if you have no butler, how do you know when dinner is ready? When my mother takes the iron bars off the dining room door.
And then you eat. Not till she opens up the vault door to get you into the kitchen. And then you eat. Then we eat because I'm full of bread. Continue. Alright. Never mind that. Now we'll say that you're already in the dining room. Now what do you do with the crumbs at the table? Crumbs? Certainly. Don't you have crumbs at your table? Oh, yeah. I have it comes once a week. Hey. You're welcome anytime. You can come. Oh, never mind. We'll we'll skip the crumbs, Katello. Now now let's say that you have on your plate a slice of roast beef with baby some pickled beef and a lovely portion of beans. Now which fork do you use? I don't use no fork. No fork? No. I just slip my lower lip under the plate and thank the beans off the pickled beef. Oh. That's fine. Now we're supposed, Costello, we're supposed that you're in a very swanky Continental Bistro. Now you walk Can you read that again, please? Oh, you're in a swanky continental bistro. Excuse me. Continue. Alright. You you come on. You turn her up to the bar with sapoisse pear and dis tenguay. Now how do I ever get mixed up with those characters? No. That's the way you walk. Now you order a liqueur. The waiter walks up and flips you a buffet cafe.
He wouldn't dare. He hasn't got the nerve. Alright. Now suddenly, at the next table behind you, you see a beautiful girl. My assistant here will help us out by playing the part of the beautiful girl. This is Mademoiselle Zing Zing. Z Quiet. You got it. That's the only line the guy's got. I've gotta have a bouncer. Now be quiet. Now now, Costello, after the girl walks up in a very manner, you approach madameoiselle, zing, zing. And in perfect French, you say, I say that? Of course. And what does she say? She answers you in a lovely, melodious voice. I like to meet you by the gas pipe.
Gee, that sounds well.
[00:14:34] Unknown:
What does that mean? Hit the road, chomp the big guy at my husband.
[00:14:39] Unknown:
Now just a minute, melon head. You've gone too far. What's the matter, Costello? Well, I mean, after all, Abbott, I didn't mind it when this melon guy forced me to walk into a stanky, confidescicle biscuit. I didn't say nothing when he pushed me onto that salloway fairy in a distinct way. I never said a word when he had the way to shove a pushy cat's face in my hand. But when he makes me poo poo petite marquee between that lovely girl and her husband, he has not only impuged on my good name, but he has has aspirations on the San Francisco conference.
Well, what are we doing up here at this joint? Cutello, I've made a date with Connie Haines and Meades here. And it's not a joint. It's the red. It's a very high class nightclub. Yeah. But this place is a fake. They got a sign over there over the bar that says lady served here. Well? Well, I went over to the bar and ordered a lady and they threw me out. Oh, okay. Now, Bill, I've met a lot of morons in my time, but you're head and shoulders above all. Abbot, you must have met a bunch of short morons. Oh, never mind that. Did you bring, plenty of money with you? Oh, yes. I did. I'm loaded, Abbott. Right here in my pocket, I got $4, all in singles. If I fold one over, it'll look like 5. Got you. You mean you mean to say that you left the house with $4? Yes. Aren't you afraid to carry that kind of money around with you? Well, at first, you get kind of a funny feeling. You imagine everybody's looking at you. Once you get used to it, the big trick is not to try to look nervous. $4.
Come on. Come on, sport. Let's go ahead and don't forget to tip the doorman. Good evening, gentlemen. Allow me to open the door for you. Oh, thank you, Matt. Here's a dime tip for you. Costello, how can you stand there and face that doorman after giving him a dime? I'm waiting for my ching. Oh, come on. Alright, Gustava. There's a headway. Now if you want a good table, it's closer to the dance floor. You'll have to give him a big tip. Good evening, gentlemen. Would you like a table? Oh, yes, my good man. We're heavy spenders. Here's a nice tip for you. But this is a quarter. Didn't you make a mistake, sir? I guess I did. I thought it was an effort. Give me that back. Here you are. Fine. Penny.
This is an insult. Why the champion Tightwad of Hollywood gave me 50¢. Call me the new champion. Mister head waiter, could you give us a nice ringside table? Oh, sure. Follow me. Hey, Abbot. I'm getting tired. Can't we sit down here and rest for a few minutes?
[00:17:14] Unknown:
Not at that table. It's reserved.
[00:17:22] Unknown:
Hey, Abbot. Look at that sign over there. Los Angeles city limits. There you are, gentlemen. Here's your table. On a clear day, you could see Catalina. Alright, Gastel. You sit here facing the dance floor. Okay. But I'm liable to catch cold with my back toward the ocean. Well What was that? The Greyhound bus. I wondered why they had a white lion running down the middle of the table. Would you two months like to order some food? The roast beef is delicious. How much is it? It's $4 a portion, but it's lovely roast beef. It will make your mouth water. That's what we want. Roast beef? No. Water. Absolutely. Yeah.
Hey, fellas. Do you mind if I sit at your table? Just a minute, partner. Where are you from? I'm from Chicago. I'm from Chicago. I'm from Chicago. Chicago? Toledo. Well, why don't you take the train and go home? Oh, I would, but my wife won't let me keep it in the house. There you are, you cheapskate. Oh, yeah. You can't talk to me like that. Oh, no. I'll take care of you. Hey, waiter. What's the idea of throwing that poor guy out like that? What's the idea? Yeah? Why his bill was $76 and all a cheapskate had was $75.40. Imagine imagine another him trying to get away with a thing like that.
Yeah. He certainly got a lot of nerves trying to get away with that. Hey. Yeah. But how much is our bill? I don't know. We we haven't got it yet. Oh, I think your partner, you lost new Costello. That's me. Here's a telegram for you. Thanks. Hey, missus, your girl. You forgot your motorcycle. Oh, so I did. She likes that. Oh, boy. Hey, Adam. Here's the telegram. Look what it say. It's from Connie Hayes. What does she say? She She says, dear mister Costello, just arrived here at the club, and I'm on my way to your table. Expect to be there within the next hour or two. Hey, Abbot. We gotta stop Connie. We can't let her come in a place like this. It would cost her a fortune. Well, here you are, gentlemen. I thought maybe you'd like to pay your check. How much is the check, Abbot? Eighty three dollars. Eighty three dollars? Mhmm. And I only got $4. And the other guy was only 60¢ short.
[00:20:06] Unknown:
Look what they did to him.
[00:20:09] Unknown:
Abbot, we gotta do something quick. Hello. This is your party, and and you'll have to get out of it the best way you can. I got an idea. You offer to pay the check, and I'll give you an argument. Okay. I get you. Come on. Costello, I'll pay the check. No. No. Have it. I couldn't think of it you pay the check, but I insist on paying the check. You are not gonna pay this check, Abbott. I'm gonna pay it myself. I wish you'd let me pay it. Well, somebody's gotta pay it. Mister Wade, does it make any difference to you who pays the check? It don't make any difference to me. I don't care who pays the check. Okay. Here. Way to pay it yourself. Come on out
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of here. Alright. Come on out of here.
[00:20:51] Unknown:
We didn't make it.
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What happened at Luca Nello? Hey, Costello. What? What are you so excited about? What's the matter with you? I don't know, Abbott. I'm all mixed up. In my room, I got a big picture of Lauren Bacall on the ceiling. Yes. And on my dress, I got a picture of Rita Hayworth. On the walls, I got two pictures of Betty Grable. And under my pillow, I got a picture of Darcy Lamore in a sarong. And I think I'm going nuts. Why? All night long, I keep dreaming of Gino Tree's horse. Well, talk sense, Cartel. What were you doing in the courthouse this morning? Oh, I was there to see my uncle Artie Stebbins get his divorce. Was it an interesting divorce trial? Oh, sure. The judge said, mister Stebbins, I'm paying you the divorce, and I'm gonna give your wife thirty five dollars a week. And what did Adi say to that? He said, that's mighty nice of you, judge. I'll try to slip her a buck every now and then myself. Now Lou, that was ridiculous.
What were the grounds for the divorce? Misrepresentation. She said that before they were married, uncle Artie told her he was well off. Well, was he? He was, but he didn't know it then. Well, she must have had better grounds than that. Well, what else did she claim? Well, she wanted to get rid of him because she was always getting indifferent. Artie was getting indifferent? Yeah. He was getting in different girls' apartments every night. Oh, stop that nonsense, please. I'm glad I went to the throttle, the rabbit. I found out what causes a hundred percent of the divorce cases. So you know what causes all the divorces? Yep. What? Marriage? Oh, you know you know nothing about marriage, Costello? Marriage is a great institution. Yeah. But who wants to live in an institution?
Costello, marriage is wonderful. Yeah. Marriage is like a three ring circus. A three ring circus? Yep. Engagement ring, marriage ring, and suffering. How can you Benin' up. Never mind. No. I'm lost already. Alright. Fuck it isn't. Fuck it. Fuck it. You talk like that, Gastel. You've never been a husband. In fact, you don't even know what a husband alright. What is a husband? A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed. Costello, you're a dog, but you don't have to worry about marriage. Very few women would marry you. Very few would be an outbound. Look. What happened to that girl you used to go with? Ruby, pool cue. I thought you two were engaged. We was, Abbott. You are. But I broke it all up. I told her to keep the ring. You mean you are willing to lose an expensive diamond engagement ring? That's right. What's a fuck and a half to a man with a broken heart?
Ruby went ahead and she married Stinky Rappaport. Stinky Rappaport? Stinky Rappaport? I give them a beautiful set of silver. Table silver? No. Pocket silver. 4 dimes and a quarter. That's all sense, Godzilla. Why don't you try to meet some nice girl and go steady? Oh, yeah. But I met one last night in a movie, and I took her out. She was an usher. How do you mean she's an usherette? What? Usher et. Yes. She ate and she drank. She ate like a horse. She had a nose bag with her. Alright. Never mind. You know, we had a wonderful time, Abby. We did. Then I took her home and we sat in a parlor. Just the two of it. Oh, it must have been romantic. Romantic. We sat on the sofa and I read her a love story. Then suddenly she reached over and switched off the light. And what did you do? I turned it on again. Who can read in the dark? Oh.
What a guy. You're in the Apollo with a beautiful girl and you read a book. Why don't you take her to a dance? Paul, I'm all through with dancing. What do you mean? I took Cleopatra for a dance last night. Cleopatra. Cleopatra. Yep. You idiot. Cleopatra has been dead for two thousand years. No wonder she couldn't lumb her. Costello, go backwards to something else. All I did is look, Costello, why don't you try to make a hit with that little girl my wife introduced to you? Oh, sweetheart. Sweetheart. Sweetheart. Yeah. I had to give her up, Abbot. Why? Her father didn't like me. Her father wanted you to marry her. I said he didn't like me. Her father said he'd pay half your expenses if you got married. Yeah. But who's gonna pay the other half? Sally, you're always thinking about money. When I when I got married, I was just a struggling,
[00:05:19] Unknown:
young
[00:05:21] Unknown:
actor. Struggling I will get out. Sometimes I get lost. Yes. You don't know where you are. Well, I was still struggling. Thank you. I'm and how you were struck I still was stuck. I know you struck but you didn't get away. Oh, no. That fella. You're an imbecile. You lose all your girls. Look. What happened to your engagement at Tessie Tinfoil? It's broken. Did you break it? Nope. Did she break it? Nope. Then how does it get broken? Well, Tessie told me what a closed course, and I told her what my salary was. And when the engagement, judge just sort of sagged in the middle and busted by itself. Counselor. Both of us better get glass.
Counselor, how did you happen to meet, testing team for you on the first place? Well, I went down to the bank and threw out my money. Yes. There she was. Five minutes later, we were engaged. You asked the girl to marry you and you only knew her five minutes. That's right. Abbott, you'd be amazed what you can do when you meet somebody if you don't waste time shaking hands. What? What became of Tessie Tinfoil? Oh, Tessie's an MP in the Navy. An MP in the Navy? What does she do? She keeps the wolves away from the waves. Because the what? Why aren't you more like your brother Pat now? There's a happily married man. Why I heard Pat's wife say she couldn't wait to hear the patter of little feet around the house. Well, Abbott, your information, it won't be long now. You mean? Yep. Pat's taking up pot dancing. Doc. You're hopeless. What's wrong with that? Now wait a minute.
You don't even know how to look at a girl. I don't. Hello? Yes. There is. That's awful. That guy ought to be ashamed of himself. Oh, that's terrible. Goodbye. Who is that? The police department. They're after a peeping tom who's been looking into the chorus girls' dressing rooms over Erocarol Stater from the roof of this building. Boy, I'd hate to be in that guy's shoes when those cops get through with them. Yep. I gotta go now, Robert. See you later. Wait a minute. Where are you going? I'm gonna sell my binoculars. Get him out of here. Well, Costello, I've arranged a one hold date for you. My wife fix it up for you. Take our girlfriend out, Emma Fiddle Buster. Emma Fiddle Buster? Not me, Abbott. I took that game to a restaurant once, and on the way out, the manager searched me. Well, Castello, you have an honest face. Why did the manager search search you? Well, he took one look at Emma Piddle Buster, and he said if you'll walk out of here with her, your life will walk out of here with anything.
How can you say that, Costello? Emma is a blonde, and you go out with any blonde. I would not. Name one. No, it's an Eddie. Oh. Right. Costello. Hey. Here comes Emma now. Oh, good evening, miss, Fiddle Buster. Oh, god. I believe you know my partner, Lou Costello.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
Oh, yes. It seems to be I met you someplace before, mister Costello. Oh, I don't think so. I never go to the zoo.
[00:08:16] Unknown:
Get the kisser on this kiss. Oh, now I remember you annoyed me one whole evening. I never even looked at at you. Well, isn't that annoying? And if I remember correctly, you winked at me with your good eye. That's one in the middle.
[00:08:37] Unknown:
Did did I try to kiss you? No. Well, then it wasn't me.
[00:08:40] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
[00:08:47] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No Oh,
[00:08:56] Unknown:
no. Costello, why don't you like me? I've been told that I'm beautiful. That's why Lana Turner and I are sisters under the skin. Well, call back under the skin and send out Lana, kid. Oh, let me out of here to talk.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Well, Costello, what do you think of miss, Fiddle Buster?
[00:09:13] Unknown:
Well, what do you think? I'll tell you what I think. But if you wanna get me a date, why don't you ask Connie Haines to go out with me? She's wonderful. I love her voice. Connie has a grand voice. Do you like a range? Like a range? I like a whole kitchen. Well, look, I I'll get you a date with Connie Haines on one condition. You must promise not to kiss her because if you kiss her, her mother will worry. Okay, Abbot. I won't kiss her. I'll let her kiss me. Let my mother worry. I mean, no wonder girls won't go out with you. Is that so? I know how to treat a girl, Abbott. First up, I have flowers and candy. And then? Then I take her to a show, and then I take her to a cabaret. I spend 7 or $8, then we walk along until we meet a sailor. Then what? Oh, I can always find my own way home. No. Well, Cartel, I'm going to arrange you to take Connie Haines to a nightclub. But first, I must be sure you will conduct yourself like a gentleman. Come with me. Where we going? I'm going to put you through a complete course of social etiquette at the charm school. Come on. Let's go.
Well, here we are at the charm school. What took us so long? Give us music. We're there. That's it. Alright. And I'm not a threat. Come on. We're here just the same. Oh, welcome. Welcome to my school, gentlemen. I'm professor Mellenhair. Gentlemen, I teach charm. Abba, get me out of here. This guy couldn't charm a snake. Quiet, Godzilla. Okay. Young man, I'll have you know that I do teach charm. Why? With that head, you should be teaching Billyards. You hand me a cue, Abbott, and I'll run snooker with a stone. No. No. No. No. Take it easy, Godzilla. Professor Melvin Head is an expert at etiquette. I know he etiquette. You know what? I know he etiquette. You can see he etiquette. He still got the tail on his upper lip. I know.
Oh, you're quiet, you obese buffoon. Continue. Oh, thank you. My high forehead denotes intelligence. Brain, my boy, that's where I shine. Well, why don't you take some of the shine off your head and put it on your shoes? From behind your skull looks like an empty parking lot. Castello, will you behave yourself? Now, tut tut, let me handle him, mister Abbott. I'll transform this boy into a perfect gentleman. Now, our first lesson here in charm is how to behave at home. Castello, what would you do when the butler enters the room? We ain't got no butler in my house. No butler? My dear boy, if you have no butler, how do you know when dinner is ready? When my mother takes the iron bars off the dining room door.
And then you eat. Not till she opens up the vault door to get you into the kitchen. And then you eat. Then we eat because I'm full of bread. Continue. Alright. Never mind that. Now we'll say that you're already in the dining room. Now what do you do with the crumbs at the table? Crumbs? Certainly. Don't you have crumbs at your table? Oh, yeah. I have it comes once a week. Hey. You're welcome anytime. You can come. Oh, never mind. We'll we'll skip the crumbs, Katello. Now now let's say that you have on your plate a slice of roast beef with baby some pickled beef and a lovely portion of beans. Now which fork do you use? I don't use no fork. No fork? No. I just slip my lower lip under the plate and thank the beans off the pickled beef. Oh. That's fine. Now we're supposed, Costello, we're supposed that you're in a very swanky Continental Bistro. Now you walk Can you read that again, please? Oh, you're in a swanky continental bistro. Excuse me. Continue. Alright. You you come on. You turn her up to the bar with sapoisse pear and dis tenguay. Now how do I ever get mixed up with those characters? No. That's the way you walk. Now you order a liqueur. The waiter walks up and flips you a buffet cafe.
He wouldn't dare. He hasn't got the nerve. Alright. Now suddenly, at the next table behind you, you see a beautiful girl. My assistant here will help us out by playing the part of the beautiful girl. This is Mademoiselle Zing Zing. Z Quiet. You got it. That's the only line the guy's got. I've gotta have a bouncer. Now be quiet. Now now, Costello, after the girl walks up in a very manner, you approach madameoiselle, zing, zing. And in perfect French, you say, I say that? Of course. And what does she say? She answers you in a lovely, melodious voice. I like to meet you by the gas pipe.
Gee, that sounds well.
[00:14:34] Unknown:
What does that mean? Hit the road, chomp the big guy at my husband.
[00:14:39] Unknown:
Now just a minute, melon head. You've gone too far. What's the matter, Costello? Well, I mean, after all, Abbott, I didn't mind it when this melon guy forced me to walk into a stanky, confidescicle biscuit. I didn't say nothing when he pushed me onto that salloway fairy in a distinct way. I never said a word when he had the way to shove a pushy cat's face in my hand. But when he makes me poo poo petite marquee between that lovely girl and her husband, he has not only impuged on my good name, but he has has aspirations on the San Francisco conference.
Well, what are we doing up here at this joint? Cutello, I've made a date with Connie Haines and Meades here. And it's not a joint. It's the red. It's a very high class nightclub. Yeah. But this place is a fake. They got a sign over there over the bar that says lady served here. Well? Well, I went over to the bar and ordered a lady and they threw me out. Oh, okay. Now, Bill, I've met a lot of morons in my time, but you're head and shoulders above all. Abbot, you must have met a bunch of short morons. Oh, never mind that. Did you bring, plenty of money with you? Oh, yes. I did. I'm loaded, Abbott. Right here in my pocket, I got $4, all in singles. If I fold one over, it'll look like 5. Got you. You mean you mean to say that you left the house with $4? Yes. Aren't you afraid to carry that kind of money around with you? Well, at first, you get kind of a funny feeling. You imagine everybody's looking at you. Once you get used to it, the big trick is not to try to look nervous. $4.
Come on. Come on, sport. Let's go ahead and don't forget to tip the doorman. Good evening, gentlemen. Allow me to open the door for you. Oh, thank you, Matt. Here's a dime tip for you. Costello, how can you stand there and face that doorman after giving him a dime? I'm waiting for my ching. Oh, come on. Alright, Gustava. There's a headway. Now if you want a good table, it's closer to the dance floor. You'll have to give him a big tip. Good evening, gentlemen. Would you like a table? Oh, yes, my good man. We're heavy spenders. Here's a nice tip for you. But this is a quarter. Didn't you make a mistake, sir? I guess I did. I thought it was an effort. Give me that back. Here you are. Fine. Penny.
This is an insult. Why the champion Tightwad of Hollywood gave me 50¢. Call me the new champion. Mister head waiter, could you give us a nice ringside table? Oh, sure. Follow me. Hey, Abbot. I'm getting tired. Can't we sit down here and rest for a few minutes?
[00:17:14] Unknown:
Not at that table. It's reserved.
[00:17:22] Unknown:
Hey, Abbot. Look at that sign over there. Los Angeles city limits. There you are, gentlemen. Here's your table. On a clear day, you could see Catalina. Alright, Gastel. You sit here facing the dance floor. Okay. But I'm liable to catch cold with my back toward the ocean. Well What was that? The Greyhound bus. I wondered why they had a white lion running down the middle of the table. Would you two months like to order some food? The roast beef is delicious. How much is it? It's $4 a portion, but it's lovely roast beef. It will make your mouth water. That's what we want. Roast beef? No. Water. Absolutely. Yeah.
Hey, fellas. Do you mind if I sit at your table? Just a minute, partner. Where are you from? I'm from Chicago. I'm from Chicago. I'm from Chicago. Chicago? Toledo. Well, why don't you take the train and go home? Oh, I would, but my wife won't let me keep it in the house. There you are, you cheapskate. Oh, yeah. You can't talk to me like that. Oh, no. I'll take care of you. Hey, waiter. What's the idea of throwing that poor guy out like that? What's the idea? Yeah? Why his bill was $76 and all a cheapskate had was $75.40. Imagine imagine another him trying to get away with a thing like that.
Yeah. He certainly got a lot of nerves trying to get away with that. Hey. Yeah. But how much is our bill? I don't know. We we haven't got it yet. Oh, I think your partner, you lost new Costello. That's me. Here's a telegram for you. Thanks. Hey, missus, your girl. You forgot your motorcycle. Oh, so I did. She likes that. Oh, boy. Hey, Adam. Here's the telegram. Look what it say. It's from Connie Hayes. What does she say? She She says, dear mister Costello, just arrived here at the club, and I'm on my way to your table. Expect to be there within the next hour or two. Hey, Abbot. We gotta stop Connie. We can't let her come in a place like this. It would cost her a fortune. Well, here you are, gentlemen. I thought maybe you'd like to pay your check. How much is the check, Abbot? Eighty three dollars. Eighty three dollars? Mhmm. And I only got $4. And the other guy was only 60¢ short.
[00:20:06] Unknown:
Look what they did to him.
[00:20:09] Unknown:
Abbot, we gotta do something quick. Hello. This is your party, and and you'll have to get out of it the best way you can. I got an idea. You offer to pay the check, and I'll give you an argument. Okay. I get you. Come on. Costello, I'll pay the check. No. No. Have it. I couldn't think of it you pay the check, but I insist on paying the check. You are not gonna pay this check, Abbott. I'm gonna pay it myself. I wish you'd let me pay it. Well, somebody's gotta pay it. Mister Wade, does it make any difference to you who pays the check? It don't make any difference to me. I don't care who pays the check. Okay. Here. Way to pay it yourself. Come on out
[00:20:40] Unknown:
of here. Alright. Come on out of here.
[00:20:51] Unknown:
We didn't make it.
[00:21:07] Unknown:
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