In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo, Abbott and Costello. The episode kicks off with a humorous exchange about the odd places people have found luck, setting the tone for a series of comedic misunderstandings and wordplay. As the story unfolds, Costello finds himself in a bind, needing to prepare a dinner for a wealthy widow, Carlotta Cranberry, whom Abbott plans to propose to. The ensuing chaos involves a series of hilarious attempts to find a cook, with Costello encountering a variety of quirky characters, each adding their own flavor to the comedic mix.
As the dinner approaches, Abbott's nerves are on edge, and Costello's antics only add to the comedic tension. From mistaken identities to culinary disasters, the episode is a whirlwind of slapstick humor and witty banter. The climax sees a surprise visit from Carlotta's grandson, adding an unexpected twist to the evening's events. With Abbott's romantic plans in jeopardy, the episode wraps up with a classic comedic resolution, leaving listeners in stitches.
(00:30) Introduction and Engagement Announcement
(01:03) Costello's Views on Marriage
(03:05) The Grandfather Clock Story
(06:06) The Search for a Cook
(11:07) Dinner Preparations and Butler Lessons
(15:19) Dinner Disaster and Unexpected Guests
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:00:24] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus. See what type of details. Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds No purchase necessary. DGW.
[00:01:03] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello, where have you been for the past three days? You would go out of town when I need you. Do you realize today is the most important day in my life, Costello? Yeah. I finally bought an engagement ring. Bought an engagement ring? Yes. You did? Yes, little old pal. Doesn't it thrill you? Doesn't make you happy? Mhmm. Well, why why don't you say something?
[00:01:23] Unknown:
Abbot, I I don't know what to say. Oh, come on. Say anything.
[00:01:26] Unknown:
I'm so young. I'll have to get my parents' consent. Yes. Yummy.
[00:01:32] Unknown:
I didn't buy the ring for you. Tonight, I am proposing to the wealthy widow, missus Carlotta Cranberry.
[00:01:38] Unknown:
Carlotta? Yes. Lovely woman. She made her money selling used cars, you know. Oh, I see. A sorta used Carlotta. None.
[00:01:48] Unknown:
That's all. This is no joking matter. Carlotta is a beautiful girl.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
Oh, yeah. That's what you said about your first wife, Clementine.
[00:01:55] Unknown:
No. No. No. Don't talk about my first wife. Clementine was a good kid. Mhmm. When I met her, she was a trapeze artist with a circus. Yeah. She was so polite that when she put her tights on, she looked like a pair of pliers with a
[00:02:06] Unknown:
Band Aid. Listen, Costello.
[00:02:10] Unknown:
Costello, can you listen to me? Clementine was a beautiful woman. Why? Tell you. She could sway men with her back turned. Yes. Sway back. Some in time, they called her.
[00:02:20] Unknown:
Cuttela, what makes you so bitter about marriage? Oh, I don't believe in marriage habits. Marriage is like soup. Marriage is like soup? Yeah. After you get through spooning, it cools off. Trouble with you, Cuttela. You got the whole trouble, though.
[00:02:35] Unknown:
You don't know you don't know what love is. Yes. I did. Yes. I do.
[00:02:40] Unknown:
Yes. You did. I got your mind. Do you know what love is? Yes. I do.
[00:02:46] Unknown:
Little birds make love. That we know. Little butterflies make love. Even peanuts make love.
[00:02:53] Unknown:
Peanuts make love? You'd be surprised what goes on inside those shells. Oh, I'm talking about old fashioned romance. When I was calling my first drive at Clementine, then it was a big grandfather's talk in the parlor and we used to sit and listen to what it said.
[00:03:14] Unknown:
Take your time. Take your time. Uh-huh. Take your time. Uh-huh. Take your time. Your time. Yes. Have it. Maybe cool, but, things are different with mother and mother. What do you mean? But then when a fella sits in the parlor with a girl, press an alarm, clock in a minute that says,
[00:03:30] Unknown:
Well, I'll never forget that old grandfather's clock, Lou. I'll never forget that old clock. You know, the day I married Clementine, it stopped.
[00:03:36] Unknown:
Your wife must have looked at it. Nah. Nah. Tell her.
[00:03:40] Unknown:
When I married my wife,
[00:03:42] Unknown:
everybody said it was a perfect match. Match is right. She struck you and you went out like a light.
[00:03:48] Unknown:
Well, at least I'm not handpicked.
[00:03:50] Unknown:
Not handpicked? Before you were married, you used to snore. Now you tackle. Alright. Never mind my wife. Late age. Would wife. My first wife.
[00:04:06] Unknown:
My first wife. My first wife. My first wife. Oh, this marriage is going to be different. What a lovely girl Carlotta is. Every night, I'll sneak into the parlor and catch her in my arm. Yes. Then you'll sneak into the bedroom and catch her in your pocket.
[00:04:17] Unknown:
No. I don't wanna hear another remark about Carlotta Cranberry.
[00:04:21] Unknown:
She's a member of society. She's never rubbed shoulders with a 400. Oh, but I rubbed hips with a 500.
[00:04:26] Unknown:
Where where was that? At the palladium. Oh, it's a blood vessel. And, I've invited
[00:04:32] Unknown:
I've invited Carlotta here for dinner tonight. He thinks that I'm a big shot, and I want you to act as my buckler. Can you buggle? Can I what?
[00:04:39] Unknown:
Do you know how to buggle? Do I know how to huddle? Yeah. I'll split a butler with you anytime. I want you to serve the dinner. You understand, Lily? I want you to serve the dinner and and get our get out our finest dishes and silver. Have you seen my, Sugar Bowl? Have I seen your what? Have you seen my sugar bowl? No. But she plays a nice game of pool. No. No. No. You're gonna be messed up. You'll mess
[00:05:07] Unknown:
up my whole evening moment. Missus Tranmere, we'll ask for a note of her, and you'll hand her a demitasse. Law school's trying to learn me demitasse. That wording, demitasse, is demitasse.
[00:05:18] Unknown:
It is demitasse. Listen. Don't you know the first thing about etiquette? Oh, there you go with another one. That's not etiquette. It's a pickety.
[00:05:26] Unknown:
And you don't have to tell me about a pickety, Abbot. I'll go out and buy that book by Emily Piller. You mean Emily Poche? I'll read the both of them.
[00:05:36] Unknown:
Post. Oh, no.
[00:05:38] Unknown:
You don't have to read Emily Post. I'll tell you what to do. I'm up on all forms of social etiquette. Oh, you are? Oh, yes. I am. Well, let me ask you a question, Abbott. Now tell me this, Abbott. When you reach over to light a cigarette, would you light a cigarette with your right hand or your left hand? I light it with my right hand, of course. That shows you how dopey you are. What do you mean? Most people use a mask. Oh. Hey, Costello.
[00:06:06] Unknown:
Costello. Now, missus Cranberry, I do here at 08:00 at this my cook's day off. Can you imagine that? Now where am I going to get somebody to cook? I'll call on a turner right away. Oh, Costello. Hold on to Turner. Can you cook? It was brings me to a boil. Alright.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
When you talk then, Costello, I have to get some food right away. I'll tell you what you do. You go around the corner to that little restaurant. You'll see a sign in the window that says mother's home cooking. I'll go in and ask for mother. Okay. I'll go right in. And don't mind?
[00:06:31] Unknown:
What does the sign say? It says mother's home cooking. But why should I go in the restaurant and ask for mother? She's home cooking. Mother isn't home cooking. Well, where is she? She's in the restaurant. Didn't you just tell me that the sign said mother's home cooking? That's right. Then how could she be in the restaurant? Does mother live there? No. She lives at home. Then what's she doing in the restaurant? Home cooking. Emma Hein is making an awful liar out of mother.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Just after 06:00, the restaurant is closed anyway. Anyway. Mother wouldn't be there. What would mother be? Well, she's probably home cooking.
[00:07:05] Unknown:
Let me smell your breath.
[00:07:08] Unknown:
Come on, Cartel. We haven't got a minute to lose. We'll have to go around to our friends and find somebody to cook the dinner or dig up some food. Yes. My old girlfriend,
[00:07:15] Unknown:
maybe she can help us out. Well, come on. Let's go over to her house.
[00:07:23] Unknown:
Well, here's Tessie Tinfoil's house. I hope she's home. Go ahead and knock.
[00:07:35] Unknown:
Hello, Desi.
[00:07:37] Unknown:
Hello, miss Abbott. And there you are, my satisfied lover boy, Louis. Come to me. Let me hold him in my arms. Let me crush him to me.
[00:07:45] Unknown:
Well, say something, miss Lobo boy. How can I? You got your knee on my chest. Neck me up.
[00:07:55] Unknown:
Oh, really? I'd like you to take me for a ride along the beach. It'll be so romantic. We'll drive to some out of the way place where you can make love for me. I'm very appealing over candlelighted
[00:08:05] Unknown:
wine. You wouldn't appeal to me over beer and a flashlight.
[00:08:16] Unknown:
Eddy, I came to you for help. I'm entertaining a big society woman for dinner tonight, and I have no cook. Could you help me out? Oh, I'd love to miss Ervin, but I have never been able to cook. I'll never forget the first meal I ever cooked. My husband sat down and ate it and left me. You mean he walked out on you? No. He didn't walk out. Six men carried him out.
[00:08:37] Unknown:
Hey,
[00:08:38] Unknown:
look, maybe Scotty's wife's home and maybe we can get her to help you. Come on. I'll knock on the door. Go ahead.
[00:08:45] Unknown:
What do you want? Wait
[00:08:47] Unknown:
a minute. What are you doing here? Where's Scotty? Scotty is out of town. He went to San
[00:08:54] Unknown:
Francisco
[00:08:56] Unknown:
San Francisco Pismo Beach.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Yeah. We went down there and hired a book to go out on the walk on the walk on the walk. Order? No. Thanks. I don't wanna wreck my stomach.
[00:09:18] Unknown:
Look, mister. I'm in a spot. I need somebody to cook my dinner. Oh, you came to the right place. I'd make a wonderful stew. Hey, look, Catella. The actress, Cessie Mae Moocher, just pulled up in front of her apartment.
[00:09:33] Unknown:
Yoo hoo, the bestie. Good evening, boys. Isn't this a lovely balmy evening? I love to see the sunset behind the Holywood Hill. Isn't it too too enchanting?
[00:09:47] Unknown:
Oh, yes. It's just too too the bean.
[00:09:51] Unknown:
It is too too the bean and utterly picturesque
[00:09:56] Unknown:
queens. Betsy, I'm in terrible trouble. I'm trying to find somebody to cook first tonight. Could you help us out? Oh, goodness. No. I'm one of those helpless dongles.
[00:10:05] Unknown:
This morning, I even burned my ham.
[00:10:07] Unknown:
Ham? Oh, sure, Abby. You know what ham is. You fry it with ooze and sprinkle it with salt and pepper.
[00:10:20] Unknown:
I finally wound up with just a glass of milk and a cruder. Why, you poor, poor law.
[00:10:26] Unknown:
You mean you can have butter tooth?
[00:10:30] Unknown:
But, Buzz, you can't you help us out at all. We have to have some food. Well, all I have in the house is some sour croat, some raspberry jam, and some pizza cooler. Pizza cooler.
[00:10:41] Unknown:
Oh, whatever. Give me a piece of the little soda poo. Pizza.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Well, I must dawd in for my evening bar. I hope you have good luck with your dinner. And as they say I don't have with that last joke. Well, as they say in Russian, Penya Meyer my Bublitzky to you. And a pair of my old britches to you too.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Pastela, what am I going to do? My lovely Carlotta will be at the house in exactly an hour and a half. And where am I going to get a cook? I have a put in one place left. Where? I just will have to ask Mrs. Niles.
[00:11:19] Unknown:
Oh, hello, boy. Hey, Mr. Niles. This is the first time I ever saw you with glass. You have a nice shape. Wait a minute, Costello. My wife isn't here. Oh, pardon me, Ken. I can't recognize you without your leash. Not quite.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
Not quite, Costello. Where's missus Niles? Well, she went downtown to get a beauty treatment. She's being offered a job as a covered girl.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Magazine or manhole? Quiet. Just tell me, please.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
Ken, do you know where I can get somebody to cook dinner for my girlfriend and me? Well, no. I don't. The only one in the house is a French maid, Fifi. Oh, wait a minute. I'll ask her if she can cook. Oh, what's Fifi? Yes, mister Stein. Uh-huh. Hello, mister Abbott and mister Costello. Hello, my little dish of pancakes.
[00:12:07] Unknown:
Pancake? Why do you call me your little dish of pancakes? Because you're so nicely set.
[00:12:17] Unknown:
Cut that out, Costello.
[00:12:19] Unknown:
Phoebe, we need somebody to cook dinner tonight. What are you saying? Phoebe,
[00:12:22] Unknown:
I can cook anything. I can make pork leg Francaise, fraise de peuisades, salut de portra, from the terrier.
[00:12:28] Unknown:
How about cement mixer, patty, patty?
[00:12:32] Unknown:
Just name anything you want, monsieur, and you can have it. Come over here and kiss your poor old father.
[00:12:44] Unknown:
Well, Pastello,
[00:12:45] Unknown:
my darling, Carla, will be here in a few minutes. I told you to get into your butler suit, didn't I? Where in heaven's name did you get those striped pants? Hot towel. Stripes are supposed to run up and down, not around. Oh, I don't know. I bought these from my uncle Petey Reed. He just fell out off the track. Oh, I knew you'd do something stupid. It's a good thing I sent for professor Melanhead coming here to teach you the duties of a butler. Now let's so wait a minute. That must be him now. Come in.
[00:13:08] Unknown:
Good evening, mister Abbott. Well, Costello, I understand that we only have a few minutes in which I can show you the finer points of catering. Now let's get busy. Mister Costello, if you have one little ounce of intelligence if you have one ounce of intelligence, I may be able to polish up your skill. One more crack like that, now polish up your skills. Patel, I'll have you know that I, Melonhead, was the greatest buckler in the Dutch East Indies. I was known as Hair Von Melonhead. Now you're known as von Hair Mellenhutt.
You know that that's shiny cone. In the back, it looks like an empty empty empty car lot. In my mind, what it looks like. Because hello, we have no time to we have no time to waste. Now suppose your dinner is ready, how would you announce it to the guest? I just yelled the club is here. Come on and get it. No. No. Nothing like that. You sat in the doorway, your chest thrown out, your head tilted back, and with your nose pointed at the ceiling, you say, you know, is now Are you teaching me something or are you smelling something? You're not smelling. I'm trying to teach you how to be a butler. Now how does the butler announce the generous your house? We haven't had a butler at our house. No butler? If you have no butler, how in heaven's name do you know when dinner is served? When my mother takes the iron bars off the dining room door.
That fellow was impossible, mister Abbott. Why, he doesn't even look like a butler. Look at me. I have the proper physique. Look at my shape. Look at this leg. What a thigh. What a knee. What a calf. What an ankle. What a heel. Yes, mister Melanad. I've got a great idea. Why don't you stay and and be my buttress? And I'm sorry, mister Abbott. I couldn't possibly remain under the same roof with this ignorant little nincompoop. Costello, I have a word of advice to you. With your limited intelligence, you better start saving your money. Remember, pennies go in the nickels, nickels designed, designed, diamond in quarters, quarters and a half, thousand dollars, dollars in 5, 5 cents, dollars in five, dollars in five, dollars in five, dollars in five, dollars in five, dollars in five. All right. You sound like your mother was frightened by a cash register. Yes. But my mother rang the bell.
[00:15:13] Unknown:
Good night. What an ugly individual. I would say that, Gautelle. There's something about Melonhead's face that grows on Glad it didn't grow on me.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
Uh-oh, Costello. Uh-oh. River Mickey. No. No. No. No. No. This must be Carlotta.
[00:15:34] Unknown:
Oh, ice is at all, Costello. And for heaven's sake, remember you're my butler. So nervous, Costello. Hand me a drink of water, will you, please? Here you are. Here you are. Thanks. Well, I'm still nervous. I I can feel my stomach jumping inside. Don't look now, but the water you just drank has been goldfish hit. Oh, you fool. You fool. Answer the door.
[00:15:51] Unknown:
Please like, man. You lost her in. Hey, Abbott. Is this Halloween?
[00:15:56] Unknown:
I thought not. Lady, take off that mask. I'm not wearing a mask. I'm putting on.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
I'm here for a dinner engagement with miss Reddy. Oh, you're missus Huckleberry. Young man, the name is not Loganberry. It isn't Towberry. It isn't Huckleberry.
[00:16:12] Unknown:
It's just a cranberry. Well, you better come in before they sit in the neighborhood, give me the raspberry.
[00:16:19] Unknown:
So what's going on here? Oh, oh, my dear, Colorado. I'm so sorry. This young young man is very new. One more remark from him, he'll never get old.
[00:16:29] Unknown:
Now don't say that. Take Colorado's coat. Take her coat. Take her coat. Go ahead. Oh, me? Excuse me. Glint just jinx.
[00:16:40] Unknown:
Miss Levick, it was so nice that you asked me to dinner. Oh, the pleasure's all mine, missus Franbery. Oh, please not missus Franbery.
[00:16:47] Unknown:
Just call me Cullutter. And you can call me, Buddy. Oh, and you can call me Carla. And you can call me,
[00:16:54] Unknown:
Budsy. And you can call me when this is over. Oh, Budsy, darling. Put him in person's hand. I have a feeling that I've seen his brother 10 plays before. It could have been at the Hollywood Legion Stadium last Monday night. What would I be doing at the Legion Stadium? Weren't you when a semi winds up with the sweetest angel?
[00:17:13] Unknown:
Dolly, darling. I must go into the kitchen and see how dinner is coming. Castillo, show missus Cranberry into the garden. Okay.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Castillo, what happened? Did you show missus Cranberry into the garden? Show her? I thought you should throw her. Speak to me, Carla. Where are you? Carla, you lie and suck them on cabbage there. Which head is yours?
[00:17:42] Unknown:
I'm the one with the lipstick.
[00:17:45] Unknown:
If it would be she didn't fall into the tomatoes, we'd have never found her.
[00:17:50] Unknown:
Come, Carlotta. I'll hook you to the chair. Costello, please do something right. Put some romantic music on the Victrola. How about the beer barrel poker? The beer barrel poker? That isn't romantic. It is if you take the fear first.
[00:18:02] Unknown:
No, Lydia. I can't send that horrible person
[00:18:05] Unknown:
away. Priscilla, go in the kitchen and finish up preparing the food. Callada, sit down here with the piano and sing something for. Oh, I'd be glad.
[00:18:27] Unknown:
Before she goes to dinner. What did he do? On Monroe?
[00:18:33] Unknown:
Young man, what lawn would like to eat? You just soured three quarts of cream.
[00:18:38] Unknown:
Get out there in the kitchen and finish your cookie. Oh, Carlotta, I have a question I want to ask you. What what what what what was that? Costello, what was that? I have a cannon in the kitchen. A cannon? What for? I'm selling some peas. Is I gonna get you? Oh, Clarita. I've wanted this moment alone with you.
[00:19:03] Unknown:
Tevis will be mine. Tevis will marry me. Oh, but darling, I'm I'm young. I get my parents.
[00:19:11] Unknown:
Oh, darn the doorbell? Molly, I've got a pillow. That's the way for that door. Oh, I got it. I got it. There's a young man here to see missus Cranberry
[00:19:20] Unknown:
right this way. Elvis, who you doing then? I just had to see you, grandma.
[00:19:26] Unknown:
Grandmama?
[00:19:26] Unknown:
Oh, well, you stupid boy. I'm ruined. What is best to come here to see your grandma? You poor lad. You've ruined my life. Don't blame the kid, grandma.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
He just came here to do your paper. What do you mean a paper? He told me that you were coming here for dinner tonight, so we brought this for you. What is it? Your tea.
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:00:24] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus. See what type of details. Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds No purchase necessary. DGW.
[00:01:03] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello, where have you been for the past three days? You would go out of town when I need you. Do you realize today is the most important day in my life, Costello? Yeah. I finally bought an engagement ring. Bought an engagement ring? Yes. You did? Yes, little old pal. Doesn't it thrill you? Doesn't make you happy? Mhmm. Well, why why don't you say something?
[00:01:23] Unknown:
Abbot, I I don't know what to say. Oh, come on. Say anything.
[00:01:26] Unknown:
I'm so young. I'll have to get my parents' consent. Yes. Yummy.
[00:01:32] Unknown:
I didn't buy the ring for you. Tonight, I am proposing to the wealthy widow, missus Carlotta Cranberry.
[00:01:38] Unknown:
Carlotta? Yes. Lovely woman. She made her money selling used cars, you know. Oh, I see. A sorta used Carlotta. None.
[00:01:48] Unknown:
That's all. This is no joking matter. Carlotta is a beautiful girl.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
Oh, yeah. That's what you said about your first wife, Clementine.
[00:01:55] Unknown:
No. No. No. Don't talk about my first wife. Clementine was a good kid. Mhmm. When I met her, she was a trapeze artist with a circus. Yeah. She was so polite that when she put her tights on, she looked like a pair of pliers with a
[00:02:06] Unknown:
Band Aid. Listen, Costello.
[00:02:10] Unknown:
Costello, can you listen to me? Clementine was a beautiful woman. Why? Tell you. She could sway men with her back turned. Yes. Sway back. Some in time, they called her.
[00:02:20] Unknown:
Cuttela, what makes you so bitter about marriage? Oh, I don't believe in marriage habits. Marriage is like soup. Marriage is like soup? Yeah. After you get through spooning, it cools off. Trouble with you, Cuttela. You got the whole trouble, though.
[00:02:35] Unknown:
You don't know you don't know what love is. Yes. I did. Yes. I do.
[00:02:40] Unknown:
Yes. You did. I got your mind. Do you know what love is? Yes. I do.
[00:02:46] Unknown:
Little birds make love. That we know. Little butterflies make love. Even peanuts make love.
[00:02:53] Unknown:
Peanuts make love? You'd be surprised what goes on inside those shells. Oh, I'm talking about old fashioned romance. When I was calling my first drive at Clementine, then it was a big grandfather's talk in the parlor and we used to sit and listen to what it said.
[00:03:14] Unknown:
Take your time. Take your time. Uh-huh. Take your time. Uh-huh. Take your time. Your time. Yes. Have it. Maybe cool, but, things are different with mother and mother. What do you mean? But then when a fella sits in the parlor with a girl, press an alarm, clock in a minute that says,
[00:03:30] Unknown:
Well, I'll never forget that old grandfather's clock, Lou. I'll never forget that old clock. You know, the day I married Clementine, it stopped.
[00:03:36] Unknown:
Your wife must have looked at it. Nah. Nah. Tell her.
[00:03:40] Unknown:
When I married my wife,
[00:03:42] Unknown:
everybody said it was a perfect match. Match is right. She struck you and you went out like a light.
[00:03:48] Unknown:
Well, at least I'm not handpicked.
[00:03:50] Unknown:
Not handpicked? Before you were married, you used to snore. Now you tackle. Alright. Never mind my wife. Late age. Would wife. My first wife.
[00:04:06] Unknown:
My first wife. My first wife. My first wife. Oh, this marriage is going to be different. What a lovely girl Carlotta is. Every night, I'll sneak into the parlor and catch her in my arm. Yes. Then you'll sneak into the bedroom and catch her in your pocket.
[00:04:17] Unknown:
No. I don't wanna hear another remark about Carlotta Cranberry.
[00:04:21] Unknown:
She's a member of society. She's never rubbed shoulders with a 400. Oh, but I rubbed hips with a 500.
[00:04:26] Unknown:
Where where was that? At the palladium. Oh, it's a blood vessel. And, I've invited
[00:04:32] Unknown:
I've invited Carlotta here for dinner tonight. He thinks that I'm a big shot, and I want you to act as my buckler. Can you buggle? Can I what?
[00:04:39] Unknown:
Do you know how to buggle? Do I know how to huddle? Yeah. I'll split a butler with you anytime. I want you to serve the dinner. You understand, Lily? I want you to serve the dinner and and get our get out our finest dishes and silver. Have you seen my, Sugar Bowl? Have I seen your what? Have you seen my sugar bowl? No. But she plays a nice game of pool. No. No. No. You're gonna be messed up. You'll mess
[00:05:07] Unknown:
up my whole evening moment. Missus Tranmere, we'll ask for a note of her, and you'll hand her a demitasse. Law school's trying to learn me demitasse. That wording, demitasse, is demitasse.
[00:05:18] Unknown:
It is demitasse. Listen. Don't you know the first thing about etiquette? Oh, there you go with another one. That's not etiquette. It's a pickety.
[00:05:26] Unknown:
And you don't have to tell me about a pickety, Abbot. I'll go out and buy that book by Emily Piller. You mean Emily Poche? I'll read the both of them.
[00:05:36] Unknown:
Post. Oh, no.
[00:05:38] Unknown:
You don't have to read Emily Post. I'll tell you what to do. I'm up on all forms of social etiquette. Oh, you are? Oh, yes. I am. Well, let me ask you a question, Abbott. Now tell me this, Abbott. When you reach over to light a cigarette, would you light a cigarette with your right hand or your left hand? I light it with my right hand, of course. That shows you how dopey you are. What do you mean? Most people use a mask. Oh. Hey, Costello.
[00:06:06] Unknown:
Costello. Now, missus Cranberry, I do here at 08:00 at this my cook's day off. Can you imagine that? Now where am I going to get somebody to cook? I'll call on a turner right away. Oh, Costello. Hold on to Turner. Can you cook? It was brings me to a boil. Alright.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
When you talk then, Costello, I have to get some food right away. I'll tell you what you do. You go around the corner to that little restaurant. You'll see a sign in the window that says mother's home cooking. I'll go in and ask for mother. Okay. I'll go right in. And don't mind?
[00:06:31] Unknown:
What does the sign say? It says mother's home cooking. But why should I go in the restaurant and ask for mother? She's home cooking. Mother isn't home cooking. Well, where is she? She's in the restaurant. Didn't you just tell me that the sign said mother's home cooking? That's right. Then how could she be in the restaurant? Does mother live there? No. She lives at home. Then what's she doing in the restaurant? Home cooking. Emma Hein is making an awful liar out of mother.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Just after 06:00, the restaurant is closed anyway. Anyway. Mother wouldn't be there. What would mother be? Well, she's probably home cooking.
[00:07:05] Unknown:
Let me smell your breath.
[00:07:08] Unknown:
Come on, Cartel. We haven't got a minute to lose. We'll have to go around to our friends and find somebody to cook the dinner or dig up some food. Yes. My old girlfriend,
[00:07:15] Unknown:
maybe she can help us out. Well, come on. Let's go over to her house.
[00:07:23] Unknown:
Well, here's Tessie Tinfoil's house. I hope she's home. Go ahead and knock.
[00:07:35] Unknown:
Hello, Desi.
[00:07:37] Unknown:
Hello, miss Abbott. And there you are, my satisfied lover boy, Louis. Come to me. Let me hold him in my arms. Let me crush him to me.
[00:07:45] Unknown:
Well, say something, miss Lobo boy. How can I? You got your knee on my chest. Neck me up.
[00:07:55] Unknown:
Oh, really? I'd like you to take me for a ride along the beach. It'll be so romantic. We'll drive to some out of the way place where you can make love for me. I'm very appealing over candlelighted
[00:08:05] Unknown:
wine. You wouldn't appeal to me over beer and a flashlight.
[00:08:16] Unknown:
Eddy, I came to you for help. I'm entertaining a big society woman for dinner tonight, and I have no cook. Could you help me out? Oh, I'd love to miss Ervin, but I have never been able to cook. I'll never forget the first meal I ever cooked. My husband sat down and ate it and left me. You mean he walked out on you? No. He didn't walk out. Six men carried him out.
[00:08:37] Unknown:
Hey,
[00:08:38] Unknown:
look, maybe Scotty's wife's home and maybe we can get her to help you. Come on. I'll knock on the door. Go ahead.
[00:08:45] Unknown:
What do you want? Wait
[00:08:47] Unknown:
a minute. What are you doing here? Where's Scotty? Scotty is out of town. He went to San
[00:08:54] Unknown:
Francisco
[00:08:56] Unknown:
San Francisco Pismo Beach.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Yeah. We went down there and hired a book to go out on the walk on the walk on the walk. Order? No. Thanks. I don't wanna wreck my stomach.
[00:09:18] Unknown:
Look, mister. I'm in a spot. I need somebody to cook my dinner. Oh, you came to the right place. I'd make a wonderful stew. Hey, look, Catella. The actress, Cessie Mae Moocher, just pulled up in front of her apartment.
[00:09:33] Unknown:
Yoo hoo, the bestie. Good evening, boys. Isn't this a lovely balmy evening? I love to see the sunset behind the Holywood Hill. Isn't it too too enchanting?
[00:09:47] Unknown:
Oh, yes. It's just too too the bean.
[00:09:51] Unknown:
It is too too the bean and utterly picturesque
[00:09:56] Unknown:
queens. Betsy, I'm in terrible trouble. I'm trying to find somebody to cook first tonight. Could you help us out? Oh, goodness. No. I'm one of those helpless dongles.
[00:10:05] Unknown:
This morning, I even burned my ham.
[00:10:07] Unknown:
Ham? Oh, sure, Abby. You know what ham is. You fry it with ooze and sprinkle it with salt and pepper.
[00:10:20] Unknown:
I finally wound up with just a glass of milk and a cruder. Why, you poor, poor law.
[00:10:26] Unknown:
You mean you can have butter tooth?
[00:10:30] Unknown:
But, Buzz, you can't you help us out at all. We have to have some food. Well, all I have in the house is some sour croat, some raspberry jam, and some pizza cooler. Pizza cooler.
[00:10:41] Unknown:
Oh, whatever. Give me a piece of the little soda poo. Pizza.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Well, I must dawd in for my evening bar. I hope you have good luck with your dinner. And as they say I don't have with that last joke. Well, as they say in Russian, Penya Meyer my Bublitzky to you. And a pair of my old britches to you too.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Pastela, what am I going to do? My lovely Carlotta will be at the house in exactly an hour and a half. And where am I going to get a cook? I have a put in one place left. Where? I just will have to ask Mrs. Niles.
[00:11:19] Unknown:
Oh, hello, boy. Hey, Mr. Niles. This is the first time I ever saw you with glass. You have a nice shape. Wait a minute, Costello. My wife isn't here. Oh, pardon me, Ken. I can't recognize you without your leash. Not quite.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
Not quite, Costello. Where's missus Niles? Well, she went downtown to get a beauty treatment. She's being offered a job as a covered girl.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Magazine or manhole? Quiet. Just tell me, please.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
Ken, do you know where I can get somebody to cook dinner for my girlfriend and me? Well, no. I don't. The only one in the house is a French maid, Fifi. Oh, wait a minute. I'll ask her if she can cook. Oh, what's Fifi? Yes, mister Stein. Uh-huh. Hello, mister Abbott and mister Costello. Hello, my little dish of pancakes.
[00:12:07] Unknown:
Pancake? Why do you call me your little dish of pancakes? Because you're so nicely set.
[00:12:17] Unknown:
Cut that out, Costello.
[00:12:19] Unknown:
Phoebe, we need somebody to cook dinner tonight. What are you saying? Phoebe,
[00:12:22] Unknown:
I can cook anything. I can make pork leg Francaise, fraise de peuisades, salut de portra, from the terrier.
[00:12:28] Unknown:
How about cement mixer, patty, patty?
[00:12:32] Unknown:
Just name anything you want, monsieur, and you can have it. Come over here and kiss your poor old father.
[00:12:44] Unknown:
Well, Pastello,
[00:12:45] Unknown:
my darling, Carla, will be here in a few minutes. I told you to get into your butler suit, didn't I? Where in heaven's name did you get those striped pants? Hot towel. Stripes are supposed to run up and down, not around. Oh, I don't know. I bought these from my uncle Petey Reed. He just fell out off the track. Oh, I knew you'd do something stupid. It's a good thing I sent for professor Melanhead coming here to teach you the duties of a butler. Now let's so wait a minute. That must be him now. Come in.
[00:13:08] Unknown:
Good evening, mister Abbott. Well, Costello, I understand that we only have a few minutes in which I can show you the finer points of catering. Now let's get busy. Mister Costello, if you have one little ounce of intelligence if you have one ounce of intelligence, I may be able to polish up your skill. One more crack like that, now polish up your skills. Patel, I'll have you know that I, Melonhead, was the greatest buckler in the Dutch East Indies. I was known as Hair Von Melonhead. Now you're known as von Hair Mellenhutt.
You know that that's shiny cone. In the back, it looks like an empty empty empty car lot. In my mind, what it looks like. Because hello, we have no time to we have no time to waste. Now suppose your dinner is ready, how would you announce it to the guest? I just yelled the club is here. Come on and get it. No. No. Nothing like that. You sat in the doorway, your chest thrown out, your head tilted back, and with your nose pointed at the ceiling, you say, you know, is now Are you teaching me something or are you smelling something? You're not smelling. I'm trying to teach you how to be a butler. Now how does the butler announce the generous your house? We haven't had a butler at our house. No butler? If you have no butler, how in heaven's name do you know when dinner is served? When my mother takes the iron bars off the dining room door.
That fellow was impossible, mister Abbott. Why, he doesn't even look like a butler. Look at me. I have the proper physique. Look at my shape. Look at this leg. What a thigh. What a knee. What a calf. What an ankle. What a heel. Yes, mister Melanad. I've got a great idea. Why don't you stay and and be my buttress? And I'm sorry, mister Abbott. I couldn't possibly remain under the same roof with this ignorant little nincompoop. Costello, I have a word of advice to you. With your limited intelligence, you better start saving your money. Remember, pennies go in the nickels, nickels designed, designed, diamond in quarters, quarters and a half, thousand dollars, dollars in 5, 5 cents, dollars in five, dollars in five, dollars in five, dollars in five, dollars in five, dollars in five. All right. You sound like your mother was frightened by a cash register. Yes. But my mother rang the bell.
[00:15:13] Unknown:
Good night. What an ugly individual. I would say that, Gautelle. There's something about Melonhead's face that grows on Glad it didn't grow on me.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
Uh-oh, Costello. Uh-oh. River Mickey. No. No. No. No. No. This must be Carlotta.
[00:15:34] Unknown:
Oh, ice is at all, Costello. And for heaven's sake, remember you're my butler. So nervous, Costello. Hand me a drink of water, will you, please? Here you are. Here you are. Thanks. Well, I'm still nervous. I I can feel my stomach jumping inside. Don't look now, but the water you just drank has been goldfish hit. Oh, you fool. You fool. Answer the door.
[00:15:51] Unknown:
Please like, man. You lost her in. Hey, Abbott. Is this Halloween?
[00:15:56] Unknown:
I thought not. Lady, take off that mask. I'm not wearing a mask. I'm putting on.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
I'm here for a dinner engagement with miss Reddy. Oh, you're missus Huckleberry. Young man, the name is not Loganberry. It isn't Towberry. It isn't Huckleberry.
[00:16:12] Unknown:
It's just a cranberry. Well, you better come in before they sit in the neighborhood, give me the raspberry.
[00:16:19] Unknown:
So what's going on here? Oh, oh, my dear, Colorado. I'm so sorry. This young young man is very new. One more remark from him, he'll never get old.
[00:16:29] Unknown:
Now don't say that. Take Colorado's coat. Take her coat. Take her coat. Go ahead. Oh, me? Excuse me. Glint just jinx.
[00:16:40] Unknown:
Miss Levick, it was so nice that you asked me to dinner. Oh, the pleasure's all mine, missus Franbery. Oh, please not missus Franbery.
[00:16:47] Unknown:
Just call me Cullutter. And you can call me, Buddy. Oh, and you can call me Carla. And you can call me,
[00:16:54] Unknown:
Budsy. And you can call me when this is over. Oh, Budsy, darling. Put him in person's hand. I have a feeling that I've seen his brother 10 plays before. It could have been at the Hollywood Legion Stadium last Monday night. What would I be doing at the Legion Stadium? Weren't you when a semi winds up with the sweetest angel?
[00:17:13] Unknown:
Dolly, darling. I must go into the kitchen and see how dinner is coming. Castillo, show missus Cranberry into the garden. Okay.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Castillo, what happened? Did you show missus Cranberry into the garden? Show her? I thought you should throw her. Speak to me, Carla. Where are you? Carla, you lie and suck them on cabbage there. Which head is yours?
[00:17:42] Unknown:
I'm the one with the lipstick.
[00:17:45] Unknown:
If it would be she didn't fall into the tomatoes, we'd have never found her.
[00:17:50] Unknown:
Come, Carlotta. I'll hook you to the chair. Costello, please do something right. Put some romantic music on the Victrola. How about the beer barrel poker? The beer barrel poker? That isn't romantic. It is if you take the fear first.
[00:18:02] Unknown:
No, Lydia. I can't send that horrible person
[00:18:05] Unknown:
away. Priscilla, go in the kitchen and finish up preparing the food. Callada, sit down here with the piano and sing something for. Oh, I'd be glad.
[00:18:27] Unknown:
Before she goes to dinner. What did he do? On Monroe?
[00:18:33] Unknown:
Young man, what lawn would like to eat? You just soured three quarts of cream.
[00:18:38] Unknown:
Get out there in the kitchen and finish your cookie. Oh, Carlotta, I have a question I want to ask you. What what what what what was that? Costello, what was that? I have a cannon in the kitchen. A cannon? What for? I'm selling some peas. Is I gonna get you? Oh, Clarita. I've wanted this moment alone with you.
[00:19:03] Unknown:
Tevis will be mine. Tevis will marry me. Oh, but darling, I'm I'm young. I get my parents.
[00:19:11] Unknown:
Oh, darn the doorbell? Molly, I've got a pillow. That's the way for that door. Oh, I got it. I got it. There's a young man here to see missus Cranberry
[00:19:20] Unknown:
right this way. Elvis, who you doing then? I just had to see you, grandma.
[00:19:26] Unknown:
Grandmama?
[00:19:26] Unknown:
Oh, well, you stupid boy. I'm ruined. What is best to come here to see your grandma? You poor lad. You've ruined my life. Don't blame the kid, grandma.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
He just came here to do your paper. What do you mean a paper? He told me that you were coming here for dinner tonight, so we brought this for you. What is it? Your tea.
