In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic whirlwind with Abbott and Costello as they navigate through a series of humorous scenarios. From discussing the oddest places people have gotten lucky to a hilarious mix-up at the racetrack, the duo keeps the laughs coming. Costello shares his misadventures with horses, revealing his knack for betting on the wrong race, and a peculiar encounter with a woodpecker at a dance. The comedic banter continues as they explore the absurdities of everyday life, including a chaotic babysitting gig and a series of laugh-out-loud interactions with colorful characters.
Listeners are treated to a classic Abbott and Costello routine filled with quick wit and slapstick humor. The episode also features a series of comedic sketches involving mistaken identities, absurd sales pitches, and a humorous take on family dynamics. Whether it's Costello's attempts to woo a lady or his misadventures in babysitting, this episode is a testament to the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello, leaving audiences in stitches with their clever wordplay and comedic timing.
(00:00) Unusual Places to Get Lucky
(01:00) Costello's Green Shorts and Racetrack Adventures
(03:04) The Birds, the Bees, and the Woodpecker
(05:03) Family Noses and Big Arguments
(07:51) Salesman Shenanigans and Hair Tonic Troubles
(11:08) Costello's Job Hunt and Babysitting Misadventures
(19:06) The Final Babysitting Attempt
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus. See what type of details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:36] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:42] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. ChumbaCasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:01:01] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. Stop that yelling. What have you got in that box under your arm? Abbott? I bought myself some nice green shorts. I love green shorts. Abbott in fact, I've got a pair on right now.
[00:01:11] Unknown:
The you dropped your package, Costello. Pick it up. Costello, you lied to me. You're not wearing green shorts. You're wearing purple.
[00:01:21] Unknown:
What happened if you had to squeeze all the way around? What my shorts have to squeeze all the way around? You'd be purple too.
[00:01:29] Unknown:
Well, never mind that. Where Where were you all day yesterday? When I was out at the racetrack, I had a hunch on a good horse. You put the clock on him? Yes. But he kept kicking it off. No offense. What do you know about horses? Yeah. But I was born on a horse. How could you be born on a horse? The stork refused to carry me. You bet on any horse? Yes. I bet on a horse that finished first in the seventh race. Boy, am I mad? He finished first in the seventh race, and you're mad? Why? The horse started in the fourth race.
[00:01:59] Unknown:
But it was still a thrill. I haven't seen him with all six legs driving across the finish line. Six legs? Six legs. Wait a minute. How come six legs were driving him across the finish line? Sure horse. Tall jockey. Well, Abbott, I've gotta get down to the city hall now. What for? I made a speech down there this morning, and they presented me with the key. What are you going back for? Well, I washed my hands. I've gotta get the key back. Rock quiet. I called your house last night, Costello, and you weren't home. Where did you go? When I was stepping out with Susan Miller, I took her to the Little Coconut Grove. The Little Coconut Grove? Where is that? It's It's in the basement of the regular nightclub, the Coconut Grove. That's a fine place to take Susan Miller. Did you go any place else? Oh, yes. Then we went to her house and we sat on the sofa and she read to me out of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
She's been reading it to me for over two years. Encyclopedia Britannica. That doesn't sound very interesting. For the first two years, it wasn't. But this year, we're up to the birds and the bees.
[00:03:04] Unknown:
Birds and the bees. That's ridiculous.
[00:03:07] Unknown:
That's the kind of stuff they tell kids to teach them about life. Didn't your mother ever tell you about the birds and the bees? Yes. And I took her seriously. I made a fool of myself. What what do you mean? The next night, I went to a dance and everybody laughed at me. I was the only guy there dancing with a woodpecker.
[00:03:22] Unknown:
A woodpecker? Yes.
[00:03:25] Unknown:
And right after the test, I took the woodpecker home. I was walking through the woods and a ferocious skunk attacked me. Well, you're more than a match for a skunk.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
Did you let him have it? Well, it was about
[00:03:45] Unknown:
even. Costello, why can't you be serious? Why can't you do something worthwhile, something to help people? I did. Our neighbor's wife ran away. She was gone for six months, and I went out in front of her and brought her back to her husband. Did her husband give you anything for bringing her back? Yes. They're taking the stitches out of my head tomorrow.
[00:04:02] Unknown:
Hey. You are you, Luke Costello? Yeah. That's me. Well, I've got some pictures I'd like to show you here. Do you recognize this picture? Yes, sir. That's the entrance of Griffith Park. Yeah. Who's that going into the park? That's me. And who's the girl with you? That's Myrtle. You recognize this picture? Yes, sir. That's the fountain with the part. Well, who's that standing beside the fountain? That's me. And who's that you got your arm around? That's Myrtle. You recognize this picture? That's a bench in the part. Who's that sitting on the bench? That's me. And who's the girl you're kissing? That's Myrtle. Yeah. Well, Michael, I'm Michael's husband.
[00:04:32] Unknown:
What are you gonna do about it? I'll take a dozen of these, six of those, and have this one enlarged.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Oh, you're a wise guy, Well, I'll be out in the alley waiting to you after the snow. Okay. If you wanna get tough, okay. But remember, don't bring any of your gang out there to help you. That's okay with me. I'll be there alone. You're darn right. Because how you gonna be there?
[00:05:03] Unknown:
I'll try to stop you, folks. You'll do anything. We get a laugh. Why don't you get him a job at the filling station? Oh, what could Norman do at a filling station? With that big nose of his, he could replace a gas pump. Now wait a minute. He has a very sensitive nose. He can stand three feet from a table and smell cheese.
[00:05:19] Unknown:
With that nose, he could stand three feet away and cut it.
[00:05:25] Unknown:
Costello, Norman comes from my wife's branch of the family. You know, my wife and Norman both have the same nose, and they're very proud of that nose. Well, there's enough there for both of them to be proud of. Believe it. Why,
[00:05:36] Unknown:
you little high hip hypocritical, critical hippopotamus.
[00:05:40] Unknown:
I heard that you Bigger type, they need. Bigger type.
[00:05:45] Unknown:
I heard you said about me. Costello,
[00:05:47] Unknown:
apologize to my wife. I'm sorry I said anything about your nose, missus Abbott. After all, lots of families have big noses. Oh, well, that's alright, Costello.
[00:05:55] Unknown:
Do big noses run-in
[00:05:57] Unknown:
your family? Only in the wintertime. Oh. Don't bendy words with me, missus Abbott. I'm as sharp as a horse. Let's face it.
[00:06:08] Unknown:
Yes. You're the biggest horse face I ever saw.
[00:06:16] Unknown:
Come on. That's telling you money and said you got a head on your shoulders? Too bad it isn't on our neck.
[00:06:23] Unknown:
Oh, you should talk. Get a look at your hands. They're all fucked. I can't help that. I'm a retired pinceter.
[00:06:29] Unknown:
You should see my toes. I only got eight toes.
[00:06:31] Unknown:
Only eight toes?
[00:06:33] Unknown:
See, I come from a very poor family. And you also come from a very ugly family. Yes. Your Aunt May is the ugliest woman in Paterson, New Jersey. How did your uncle Mike ever marry her? It was his fault. When he met her, she was catching for the Detroit Tigers, and she didn't take her mask off until after the wedding.
[00:06:54] Unknown:
Buddy, buddy dear, tell him how you met me. Honey, the day I met you, you fell straight from heaven. Yes. It looks like she landed on her face.
[00:07:04] Unknown:
Oh, you should talk, you puffed up pickle pus pelican. Now, honey, Costello can't help it if he's ugly. There's there's nothing new about it. Well, he can stay home. He doesn't have to roam around.
[00:07:17] Unknown:
For your information, missus Abbott, my face and Gregory Peck's face came from the same mold.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Yes. But yours is moldier than his. Thank you so long, puppies. See you later.
[00:07:34] Unknown:
Hey. You better be careful what you say to my wife, Costello.
[00:07:37] Unknown:
She's a pretty powerful woman. Yes. She's got a lot of muscle. Oh, she got those from training. All her life, my wife has wanted to be a boxer. Well, she got a good start. She looks like an Airedale already.
[00:07:52] Unknown:
There you are, gentlemen. Gather around close. Step right up. I'm selling the wonder medicine, Doctor. Hiccup's magic pickup. How does it work? Well, you take a drink. First, you hiccup, then you pick up. What do you pick up? Your hand. It falls off when you hiccup. Who left these people in here anyway? Now get out of the studio. It's the policy. Policy. Fine. I got just what you want. Policy? The latest policy from the Hollywood Life Insurance Company right here. No. I don't want any insurance. Now get out of the studio. You don't want any insurance? Shame on you. Suppose you drop dead tomorrow. What's gonna happen to your wife? I'm not married. Not married? I represent the seersucker matrimonial agency of Connecticut, New York. Here you are. Girls in all walks of life. I can let you have a blonde two foot two with eyes of blue. Give you a redhead with beautiful pearly teeth. A nice brunette heart. Give like a face. Alright. Alright. I got plenty of clothes. Hey. How would you like to have one with a face for a change? Now get out of the studio, Woody. You give me a headache. I think fine. Here you are. I sell aspirin tablets. There you are. Take two of these tablets and here's a glass of water. Come now. Drink the glass of water. Drink it right down. That's the boy.
Fine. That oh. Woah. Woah. Woah. Wait a minute. My dear man. I made a mistake that time. I shouldn't have slapped you on the back. I made you spit out some of that water. Here. What was that that fell out of your mouth here? What was that? One of the aspirin tablets? No. I just dropped one of my teeth. Teeth. I represent doctor Bergman, the friendly dentist. Walk up two flights and save $10. Get out of the studio with stars like you that are making me lose my hair. Losing your hair? I sell hair tonic. Get out of the studio. It's the finest kind of hair tonic in the world. Will you get out of the studio? Don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't You shouldn't have drunk that hair tonic.
You put that on your head. My dear man, that hair tonic is wonderful. It'll grow hair on a billiard ball. Grows hair on a billiard ball? Of course, it slows up the game a little, but it's great stuff. That's wonderful hair cuticle. I've been using that stuff on my head for fifteen years.
[00:10:18] Unknown:
You've been using you've been you've been using hair cuticle? Yep. And the fact of your head looks like an empty parking lot. I've seen more hair on 10¢ worth of bacon. When you get out of the studio
[00:10:35] Unknown:
if you don't get out of here, leave me alone. I'll kill myself. Suicide. Good. I sell revolvers. Here you are. Here's our radio comedian special. There you are. The radio comedian special. This gun is guaranteed to kill anybody living with one shot. It won't kill anybody with one shot. Yes, sir. Go ahead. Shoot it. Okay. $5. Here's the $5. Give me the gun. There you are right
[00:10:55] Unknown:
now.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
What's the matter? How do you like that? I fired a shot, and you're still up. I didn't even kill you. Well, certainly, I sell bulletproof vest. Here's one right here.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
Get them out of here.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
What's the matter with Why are you looking so worried? Well, I must have made a mistake on my income tax last month. I just got a letter from Washington. Oh, that's nothing. Lots of people get letters from Washington.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Containing a florapelian or valkid rash. Quit worrying about yourself. I ain't worried about myself. I'm worried about my uncle Mike. He got knocked down by a truck and on the way to the hospital, the ambulance crashed into a brick wall. When he got to the hospital, he fell off the Operating Table and fractured both his legs. This morning, he broke a mirror. So what? Do you think he'll have bad luck? Don't worry about him. The doctors will fix him up. Modern surgery is wonderful. Yes. Last year, my aunt May lost her big toe, and they grabbed some skin off her nose and made her a new one. Well, that's wonderful. Only now every time she wants to sneeze, she's gotta take off her shoe.
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Forget about your relatives.
[00:11:57] Unknown:
They're just a bunch of lazy loafers. They are not. My brother Pat is working. What does what does he do? He's a snob in a barbershop. What does a snob do in a barbershop? He brushes people off. Oh, dog said, why don't you get yourself a job? It's about time you started working. Look. I don't have to work, Abbott. I'm a horse player. I got a system. I play the jockey. Yesterday, I've been on Midgee Shields, the greatest jockey in the world. Did he win? He's the fastest jockey in the business. Well, did he win? He come in third. Well, that's not so fast. It is when you consider that his horse came in eighth. You idiot. You can't make any money at the racetrack. Oh, I don't know. I had a pretty good day at the track yesterday. You did? Yeah. Fella gave me a ride home.
I think some of them races are fixed at it. Why do you say that? Well, one horse was carrying a jockey that weighed two hundred pounds. They had lead weights hanging on his saddle. His tail was tied to the starting gate. Well, what makes you what makes you think the race was fixed? That horse won.
[00:13:03] Unknown:
That settles it. You're going to quit fooling around and get a job. Well, hello, boy. Well, it's Susan Miller.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
Costello, tomorrow's Susan's birthday. What what are you going to get her? Oh, I could give you a hint on something I need, Costello. Okay. What is it? Well, it's something warm and soft. It's something a girl needs on a cool evening. And when she puts it on, everybody stares at her.
[00:13:30] Unknown:
Now where am I gonna get a hot water bottle with sleeves? Gastelli, you've gotta give Susan something for her birthday. I know. Susan, I'll get you a sterling silver back scratcher. A sterling silver back scratcher?
[00:13:43] Unknown:
I wouldn't have any use for that. Why? Well, very few people have sterling silver backs.
[00:13:57] Unknown:
She's mad at me because I took a driving last night and we parked near Malibu Beach. Then we went in the we went into the water. Swimming on such a cold night? You don't think.
[00:14:06] Unknown:
You thought about, if you if I thought about it, you wouldn't have gone in the water in the first place.
[00:14:11] Unknown:
If I'd have thought about it, I wouldn't have let the car roll off the cliff.
[00:14:18] Unknown:
I I don't blame Susan for treating you like she does. You're stupid and you're lazy. I don't think you ever worked in your life. Oh, I did so. I once worked at a chemical factory.
[00:14:27] Unknown:
One night, just before quitting time, I mixed a batch of TNT with DDT and nitroglycerine, and I put in a small flame under it and went home. The next day, I couldn't go to work. Why not? I couldn't find the factory.
[00:14:39] Unknown:
Well, enough of this nonsense. Here's the one hand section of the paper. Now look it over and find yourself a job. Okay.
[00:14:47] Unknown:
Hey. This sounds like a job I can handle. Wanted salesman to sell Upkid. What's Upkid? Nothing much. What's up with you? Hey. This sounds like a job for me. Wanted man to head atomic division of nuclear interplanetary visualization of microscope of molecules and radar department. No experience necessary.
[00:15:16] Unknown:
You mean to give me that paper? Hey. Look at this. There's a whole column of jobs for babysitters. Now I'm gonna get you a job as a babysitter. Come on. Let's grab that bus. Whistle for the bus to stop you.
[00:15:27] Unknown:
Did did you whistle for me? I whistled for the bus. You did not. That was your dog whistle. I know because I used to be a dog. I used to be a sacred eye dog. What happened? Did you lose your liquor license?
[00:15:49] Unknown:
Young man, you're not you're not a Saint Bernard.
[00:15:53] Unknown:
Oh, no. I've been going to a doctor. I used to be a Saint Bernard, but I'm not a Saint Bernard anymore. I'm much better now. Now I'm a pick a niece.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
Never mind him, Castella. Whistle for the bus.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
Oh, oh, you you shouldn't whistle like that. The doctor warned me. You shouldn't have
[00:16:12] Unknown:
Oh, I
[00:16:24] Unknown:
don't know.
[00:16:30] Unknown:
Well, Castello, here's the first place that advertised for a babysitter. Go ahead. Knock on the door.
[00:16:37] Unknown:
Well, hello. What can I do for you?
[00:16:41] Unknown:
Get a load of this gorgeous day, m'abbit.
[00:16:43] Unknown:
Pardon me, miss. What did you say? I said, what can I do for you?
[00:16:49] Unknown:
Lady, Costello wants a job sitting with your baby. But I don't have any children.
[00:16:54] Unknown:
I'll wait.
[00:16:58] Unknown:
There must be some mistake. The ad in the paper said the baby said there was wanted at this address. Oh, that must be for missus Jones on the Seventh Floor. Abbot, you go up to the Seventh Floor, and I'll stay here with this lady. No. No. You don't. Alright. Then I'll stay here with this lady, and you go up to the Seventh Floor. That's different. I'll be right back. How do you like that? After twenty years, that line finally worked.
[00:17:19] Unknown:
Ah, you're so clever, and you're handsome too.
[00:17:24] Unknown:
And you, fair lady, you're the quintessence of loveliness. Your azure, you and I are like the languorous waters of the fabulous Nile. Your ruby lips are like the fiery rubies from the tear pressing minds of the Genghis Khan. How can you stay there? I got writers who went to college.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
You're so romantic.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
I'm crazy about you. That's something I don't tell every girl. Why? I don't know every girl. I think I'm gonna give you a kiss. Ain't you afraid of them new kissing germs? Kissing germs? Ain't you heard of virus sex?
[00:18:21] Unknown:
Pastello, that job on the Seventh Floor is taken. Come on. We're going to, answer the next ad. Oh, before you leave, Chubby,
[00:18:29] Unknown:
I'm gonna kiss you goodbye to me.
[00:18:35] Unknown:
We're off camera.
[00:18:38] Unknown:
How's that?
[00:18:39] Unknown:
Oy.
[00:18:41] Unknown:
I'll kiss you again. And again.
[00:18:50] Unknown:
Miss my French, you'll block your home. Castello, I'm getting tired of all this. How do you like that? I'm doing all the work. She's getting tired.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
Well, here's the house that had the second ad for the babysitter. I hope the job's still open.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
Well, what do you mugs want?
[00:19:16] Unknown:
Abbott, I don't like the looks of this guy. Look, he's holding a baby.
[00:19:20] Unknown:
Lots of lots of men hold babies. In their mouths? Quiet. Quiet. I'll handle this. We we came here and answered to your ad. Costello wants to be a babysitter. Alright. Come on in. I'll introduce you to the baby.
[00:19:32] Unknown:
Junior, this fat guy is gonna be your baby's jitter.
[00:19:39] Unknown:
Hey. Hey.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
I figured you like you, Costello.
[00:19:46] Unknown:
Okay then. Don't touch the baby. Save yourself. He seems to like you, Costello, so you get the job. Every hour, you give the baby a spoonful of cod liver oil like this. Here, junior. Take the oil. How do you like that? Spits it out every time. Junior, here's another spoonful. Take it or I'll give it to Costello.
[00:20:21] Unknown:
I like to see you do it.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
No. Come on. Take the cat liver out. No. I don't want that stuff. I don't I don't want it now. Open your mouth, Costello. Here. Great, ma'am. No. Now. And the next time you refuse to take the cod liver oil, this is what you're gonna get. Come here, Costello. I'm gonna teach this kid a lesson. Junior, just you watch what I do to Costello.
[00:21:05] Unknown:
Well, Costello,
[00:21:06] Unknown:
farm is the last ad on the list for babysitter. Well, boys, did you come from the job of babysitter? It's still open. Abbott, you take this job. I don't ever wanna see another babysitter. Alright. I'll sit with the baby, mister. Have you got anything Kinsella can do? I sure, mister Abbott. You'll sit with the baby, and Kinsella can clean out the chicken coops. I'll be back from town in a couple of hours.
[00:21:34] Unknown:
Well, I got my work all done. I wonder how Evan is doing with the baby. Hello? Hello? You're pretty. Who are you?
[00:21:47] Unknown:
I'm the baby. Who are you?
[00:21:50] Unknown:
I'm the jerk who cleaned out the chicken poops.
[00:22:06] Unknown:
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Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus. See what type of details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:36] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:42] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. ChumbaCasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:01:01] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. Stop that yelling. What have you got in that box under your arm? Abbott? I bought myself some nice green shorts. I love green shorts. Abbott in fact, I've got a pair on right now.
[00:01:11] Unknown:
The you dropped your package, Costello. Pick it up. Costello, you lied to me. You're not wearing green shorts. You're wearing purple.
[00:01:21] Unknown:
What happened if you had to squeeze all the way around? What my shorts have to squeeze all the way around? You'd be purple too.
[00:01:29] Unknown:
Well, never mind that. Where Where were you all day yesterday? When I was out at the racetrack, I had a hunch on a good horse. You put the clock on him? Yes. But he kept kicking it off. No offense. What do you know about horses? Yeah. But I was born on a horse. How could you be born on a horse? The stork refused to carry me. You bet on any horse? Yes. I bet on a horse that finished first in the seventh race. Boy, am I mad? He finished first in the seventh race, and you're mad? Why? The horse started in the fourth race.
[00:01:59] Unknown:
But it was still a thrill. I haven't seen him with all six legs driving across the finish line. Six legs? Six legs. Wait a minute. How come six legs were driving him across the finish line? Sure horse. Tall jockey. Well, Abbott, I've gotta get down to the city hall now. What for? I made a speech down there this morning, and they presented me with the key. What are you going back for? Well, I washed my hands. I've gotta get the key back. Rock quiet. I called your house last night, Costello, and you weren't home. Where did you go? When I was stepping out with Susan Miller, I took her to the Little Coconut Grove. The Little Coconut Grove? Where is that? It's It's in the basement of the regular nightclub, the Coconut Grove. That's a fine place to take Susan Miller. Did you go any place else? Oh, yes. Then we went to her house and we sat on the sofa and she read to me out of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
She's been reading it to me for over two years. Encyclopedia Britannica. That doesn't sound very interesting. For the first two years, it wasn't. But this year, we're up to the birds and the bees.
[00:03:04] Unknown:
Birds and the bees. That's ridiculous.
[00:03:07] Unknown:
That's the kind of stuff they tell kids to teach them about life. Didn't your mother ever tell you about the birds and the bees? Yes. And I took her seriously. I made a fool of myself. What what do you mean? The next night, I went to a dance and everybody laughed at me. I was the only guy there dancing with a woodpecker.
[00:03:22] Unknown:
A woodpecker? Yes.
[00:03:25] Unknown:
And right after the test, I took the woodpecker home. I was walking through the woods and a ferocious skunk attacked me. Well, you're more than a match for a skunk.
[00:03:32] Unknown:
Did you let him have it? Well, it was about
[00:03:45] Unknown:
even. Costello, why can't you be serious? Why can't you do something worthwhile, something to help people? I did. Our neighbor's wife ran away. She was gone for six months, and I went out in front of her and brought her back to her husband. Did her husband give you anything for bringing her back? Yes. They're taking the stitches out of my head tomorrow.
[00:04:02] Unknown:
Hey. You are you, Luke Costello? Yeah. That's me. Well, I've got some pictures I'd like to show you here. Do you recognize this picture? Yes, sir. That's the entrance of Griffith Park. Yeah. Who's that going into the park? That's me. And who's the girl with you? That's Myrtle. You recognize this picture? Yes, sir. That's the fountain with the part. Well, who's that standing beside the fountain? That's me. And who's that you got your arm around? That's Myrtle. You recognize this picture? That's a bench in the part. Who's that sitting on the bench? That's me. And who's the girl you're kissing? That's Myrtle. Yeah. Well, Michael, I'm Michael's husband.
[00:04:32] Unknown:
What are you gonna do about it? I'll take a dozen of these, six of those, and have this one enlarged.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Oh, you're a wise guy, Well, I'll be out in the alley waiting to you after the snow. Okay. If you wanna get tough, okay. But remember, don't bring any of your gang out there to help you. That's okay with me. I'll be there alone. You're darn right. Because how you gonna be there?
[00:05:03] Unknown:
I'll try to stop you, folks. You'll do anything. We get a laugh. Why don't you get him a job at the filling station? Oh, what could Norman do at a filling station? With that big nose of his, he could replace a gas pump. Now wait a minute. He has a very sensitive nose. He can stand three feet from a table and smell cheese.
[00:05:19] Unknown:
With that nose, he could stand three feet away and cut it.
[00:05:25] Unknown:
Costello, Norman comes from my wife's branch of the family. You know, my wife and Norman both have the same nose, and they're very proud of that nose. Well, there's enough there for both of them to be proud of. Believe it. Why,
[00:05:36] Unknown:
you little high hip hypocritical, critical hippopotamus.
[00:05:40] Unknown:
I heard that you Bigger type, they need. Bigger type.
[00:05:45] Unknown:
I heard you said about me. Costello,
[00:05:47] Unknown:
apologize to my wife. I'm sorry I said anything about your nose, missus Abbott. After all, lots of families have big noses. Oh, well, that's alright, Costello.
[00:05:55] Unknown:
Do big noses run-in
[00:05:57] Unknown:
your family? Only in the wintertime. Oh. Don't bendy words with me, missus Abbott. I'm as sharp as a horse. Let's face it.
[00:06:08] Unknown:
Yes. You're the biggest horse face I ever saw.
[00:06:16] Unknown:
Come on. That's telling you money and said you got a head on your shoulders? Too bad it isn't on our neck.
[00:06:23] Unknown:
Oh, you should talk. Get a look at your hands. They're all fucked. I can't help that. I'm a retired pinceter.
[00:06:29] Unknown:
You should see my toes. I only got eight toes.
[00:06:31] Unknown:
Only eight toes?
[00:06:33] Unknown:
See, I come from a very poor family. And you also come from a very ugly family. Yes. Your Aunt May is the ugliest woman in Paterson, New Jersey. How did your uncle Mike ever marry her? It was his fault. When he met her, she was catching for the Detroit Tigers, and she didn't take her mask off until after the wedding.
[00:06:54] Unknown:
Buddy, buddy dear, tell him how you met me. Honey, the day I met you, you fell straight from heaven. Yes. It looks like she landed on her face.
[00:07:04] Unknown:
Oh, you should talk, you puffed up pickle pus pelican. Now, honey, Costello can't help it if he's ugly. There's there's nothing new about it. Well, he can stay home. He doesn't have to roam around.
[00:07:17] Unknown:
For your information, missus Abbott, my face and Gregory Peck's face came from the same mold.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Yes. But yours is moldier than his. Thank you so long, puppies. See you later.
[00:07:34] Unknown:
Hey. You better be careful what you say to my wife, Costello.
[00:07:37] Unknown:
She's a pretty powerful woman. Yes. She's got a lot of muscle. Oh, she got those from training. All her life, my wife has wanted to be a boxer. Well, she got a good start. She looks like an Airedale already.
[00:07:52] Unknown:
There you are, gentlemen. Gather around close. Step right up. I'm selling the wonder medicine, Doctor. Hiccup's magic pickup. How does it work? Well, you take a drink. First, you hiccup, then you pick up. What do you pick up? Your hand. It falls off when you hiccup. Who left these people in here anyway? Now get out of the studio. It's the policy. Policy. Fine. I got just what you want. Policy? The latest policy from the Hollywood Life Insurance Company right here. No. I don't want any insurance. Now get out of the studio. You don't want any insurance? Shame on you. Suppose you drop dead tomorrow. What's gonna happen to your wife? I'm not married. Not married? I represent the seersucker matrimonial agency of Connecticut, New York. Here you are. Girls in all walks of life. I can let you have a blonde two foot two with eyes of blue. Give you a redhead with beautiful pearly teeth. A nice brunette heart. Give like a face. Alright. Alright. I got plenty of clothes. Hey. How would you like to have one with a face for a change? Now get out of the studio, Woody. You give me a headache. I think fine. Here you are. I sell aspirin tablets. There you are. Take two of these tablets and here's a glass of water. Come now. Drink the glass of water. Drink it right down. That's the boy.
Fine. That oh. Woah. Woah. Woah. Wait a minute. My dear man. I made a mistake that time. I shouldn't have slapped you on the back. I made you spit out some of that water. Here. What was that that fell out of your mouth here? What was that? One of the aspirin tablets? No. I just dropped one of my teeth. Teeth. I represent doctor Bergman, the friendly dentist. Walk up two flights and save $10. Get out of the studio with stars like you that are making me lose my hair. Losing your hair? I sell hair tonic. Get out of the studio. It's the finest kind of hair tonic in the world. Will you get out of the studio? Don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't You shouldn't have drunk that hair tonic.
You put that on your head. My dear man, that hair tonic is wonderful. It'll grow hair on a billiard ball. Grows hair on a billiard ball? Of course, it slows up the game a little, but it's great stuff. That's wonderful hair cuticle. I've been using that stuff on my head for fifteen years.
[00:10:18] Unknown:
You've been using you've been you've been using hair cuticle? Yep. And the fact of your head looks like an empty parking lot. I've seen more hair on 10¢ worth of bacon. When you get out of the studio
[00:10:35] Unknown:
if you don't get out of here, leave me alone. I'll kill myself. Suicide. Good. I sell revolvers. Here you are. Here's our radio comedian special. There you are. The radio comedian special. This gun is guaranteed to kill anybody living with one shot. It won't kill anybody with one shot. Yes, sir. Go ahead. Shoot it. Okay. $5. Here's the $5. Give me the gun. There you are right
[00:10:55] Unknown:
now.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
What's the matter? How do you like that? I fired a shot, and you're still up. I didn't even kill you. Well, certainly, I sell bulletproof vest. Here's one right here.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
Get them out of here.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
What's the matter with Why are you looking so worried? Well, I must have made a mistake on my income tax last month. I just got a letter from Washington. Oh, that's nothing. Lots of people get letters from Washington.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Containing a florapelian or valkid rash. Quit worrying about yourself. I ain't worried about myself. I'm worried about my uncle Mike. He got knocked down by a truck and on the way to the hospital, the ambulance crashed into a brick wall. When he got to the hospital, he fell off the Operating Table and fractured both his legs. This morning, he broke a mirror. So what? Do you think he'll have bad luck? Don't worry about him. The doctors will fix him up. Modern surgery is wonderful. Yes. Last year, my aunt May lost her big toe, and they grabbed some skin off her nose and made her a new one. Well, that's wonderful. Only now every time she wants to sneeze, she's gotta take off her shoe.
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Forget about your relatives.
[00:11:57] Unknown:
They're just a bunch of lazy loafers. They are not. My brother Pat is working. What does what does he do? He's a snob in a barbershop. What does a snob do in a barbershop? He brushes people off. Oh, dog said, why don't you get yourself a job? It's about time you started working. Look. I don't have to work, Abbott. I'm a horse player. I got a system. I play the jockey. Yesterday, I've been on Midgee Shields, the greatest jockey in the world. Did he win? He's the fastest jockey in the business. Well, did he win? He come in third. Well, that's not so fast. It is when you consider that his horse came in eighth. You idiot. You can't make any money at the racetrack. Oh, I don't know. I had a pretty good day at the track yesterday. You did? Yeah. Fella gave me a ride home.
I think some of them races are fixed at it. Why do you say that? Well, one horse was carrying a jockey that weighed two hundred pounds. They had lead weights hanging on his saddle. His tail was tied to the starting gate. Well, what makes you what makes you think the race was fixed? That horse won.
[00:13:03] Unknown:
That settles it. You're going to quit fooling around and get a job. Well, hello, boy. Well, it's Susan Miller.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
Costello, tomorrow's Susan's birthday. What what are you going to get her? Oh, I could give you a hint on something I need, Costello. Okay. What is it? Well, it's something warm and soft. It's something a girl needs on a cool evening. And when she puts it on, everybody stares at her.
[00:13:30] Unknown:
Now where am I gonna get a hot water bottle with sleeves? Gastelli, you've gotta give Susan something for her birthday. I know. Susan, I'll get you a sterling silver back scratcher. A sterling silver back scratcher?
[00:13:43] Unknown:
I wouldn't have any use for that. Why? Well, very few people have sterling silver backs.
[00:13:57] Unknown:
She's mad at me because I took a driving last night and we parked near Malibu Beach. Then we went in the we went into the water. Swimming on such a cold night? You don't think.
[00:14:06] Unknown:
You thought about, if you if I thought about it, you wouldn't have gone in the water in the first place.
[00:14:11] Unknown:
If I'd have thought about it, I wouldn't have let the car roll off the cliff.
[00:14:18] Unknown:
I I don't blame Susan for treating you like she does. You're stupid and you're lazy. I don't think you ever worked in your life. Oh, I did so. I once worked at a chemical factory.
[00:14:27] Unknown:
One night, just before quitting time, I mixed a batch of TNT with DDT and nitroglycerine, and I put in a small flame under it and went home. The next day, I couldn't go to work. Why not? I couldn't find the factory.
[00:14:39] Unknown:
Well, enough of this nonsense. Here's the one hand section of the paper. Now look it over and find yourself a job. Okay.
[00:14:47] Unknown:
Hey. This sounds like a job I can handle. Wanted salesman to sell Upkid. What's Upkid? Nothing much. What's up with you? Hey. This sounds like a job for me. Wanted man to head atomic division of nuclear interplanetary visualization of microscope of molecules and radar department. No experience necessary.
[00:15:16] Unknown:
You mean to give me that paper? Hey. Look at this. There's a whole column of jobs for babysitters. Now I'm gonna get you a job as a babysitter. Come on. Let's grab that bus. Whistle for the bus to stop you.
[00:15:27] Unknown:
Did did you whistle for me? I whistled for the bus. You did not. That was your dog whistle. I know because I used to be a dog. I used to be a sacred eye dog. What happened? Did you lose your liquor license?
[00:15:49] Unknown:
Young man, you're not you're not a Saint Bernard.
[00:15:53] Unknown:
Oh, no. I've been going to a doctor. I used to be a Saint Bernard, but I'm not a Saint Bernard anymore. I'm much better now. Now I'm a pick a niece.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
Never mind him, Castella. Whistle for the bus.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
Oh, oh, you you shouldn't whistle like that. The doctor warned me. You shouldn't have
[00:16:12] Unknown:
Oh, I
[00:16:24] Unknown:
don't know.
[00:16:30] Unknown:
Well, Castello, here's the first place that advertised for a babysitter. Go ahead. Knock on the door.
[00:16:37] Unknown:
Well, hello. What can I do for you?
[00:16:41] Unknown:
Get a load of this gorgeous day, m'abbit.
[00:16:43] Unknown:
Pardon me, miss. What did you say? I said, what can I do for you?
[00:16:49] Unknown:
Lady, Costello wants a job sitting with your baby. But I don't have any children.
[00:16:54] Unknown:
I'll wait.
[00:16:58] Unknown:
There must be some mistake. The ad in the paper said the baby said there was wanted at this address. Oh, that must be for missus Jones on the Seventh Floor. Abbot, you go up to the Seventh Floor, and I'll stay here with this lady. No. No. You don't. Alright. Then I'll stay here with this lady, and you go up to the Seventh Floor. That's different. I'll be right back. How do you like that? After twenty years, that line finally worked.
[00:17:19] Unknown:
Ah, you're so clever, and you're handsome too.
[00:17:24] Unknown:
And you, fair lady, you're the quintessence of loveliness. Your azure, you and I are like the languorous waters of the fabulous Nile. Your ruby lips are like the fiery rubies from the tear pressing minds of the Genghis Khan. How can you stay there? I got writers who went to college.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
You're so romantic.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
I'm crazy about you. That's something I don't tell every girl. Why? I don't know every girl. I think I'm gonna give you a kiss. Ain't you afraid of them new kissing germs? Kissing germs? Ain't you heard of virus sex?
[00:18:21] Unknown:
Pastello, that job on the Seventh Floor is taken. Come on. We're going to, answer the next ad. Oh, before you leave, Chubby,
[00:18:29] Unknown:
I'm gonna kiss you goodbye to me.
[00:18:35] Unknown:
We're off camera.
[00:18:38] Unknown:
How's that?
[00:18:39] Unknown:
Oy.
[00:18:41] Unknown:
I'll kiss you again. And again.
[00:18:50] Unknown:
Miss my French, you'll block your home. Castello, I'm getting tired of all this. How do you like that? I'm doing all the work. She's getting tired.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
Well, here's the house that had the second ad for the babysitter. I hope the job's still open.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
Well, what do you mugs want?
[00:19:16] Unknown:
Abbott, I don't like the looks of this guy. Look, he's holding a baby.
[00:19:20] Unknown:
Lots of lots of men hold babies. In their mouths? Quiet. Quiet. I'll handle this. We we came here and answered to your ad. Costello wants to be a babysitter. Alright. Come on in. I'll introduce you to the baby.
[00:19:32] Unknown:
Junior, this fat guy is gonna be your baby's jitter.
[00:19:39] Unknown:
Hey. Hey.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
I figured you like you, Costello.
[00:19:46] Unknown:
Okay then. Don't touch the baby. Save yourself. He seems to like you, Costello, so you get the job. Every hour, you give the baby a spoonful of cod liver oil like this. Here, junior. Take the oil. How do you like that? Spits it out every time. Junior, here's another spoonful. Take it or I'll give it to Costello.
[00:20:21] Unknown:
I like to see you do it.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
No. Come on. Take the cat liver out. No. I don't want that stuff. I don't I don't want it now. Open your mouth, Costello. Here. Great, ma'am. No. Now. And the next time you refuse to take the cod liver oil, this is what you're gonna get. Come here, Costello. I'm gonna teach this kid a lesson. Junior, just you watch what I do to Costello.
[00:21:05] Unknown:
Well, Costello,
[00:21:06] Unknown:
farm is the last ad on the list for babysitter. Well, boys, did you come from the job of babysitter? It's still open. Abbott, you take this job. I don't ever wanna see another babysitter. Alright. I'll sit with the baby, mister. Have you got anything Kinsella can do? I sure, mister Abbott. You'll sit with the baby, and Kinsella can clean out the chicken coops. I'll be back from town in a couple of hours.
[00:21:34] Unknown:
Well, I got my work all done. I wonder how Evan is doing with the baby. Hello? Hello? You're pretty. Who are you?
[00:21:47] Unknown:
I'm the baby. Who are you?
[00:21:50] Unknown:
I'm the jerk who cleaned out the chicken poops.
[00:22:06] Unknown:
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Unusual Places to Get Lucky
Costello's Green Shorts and Racetrack Adventures
The Birds, the Bees, and the Woodpecker
Family Noses and Big Arguments
Salesman Shenanigans and Hair Tonic Troubles
Costello's Job Hunt and Babysitting Misadventures
The Final Babysitting Attempt
