In this lively and comedic episode, we dive into a series of humorous skits and dialogues featuring the iconic duo, Abbott and Costello. The episode kicks off with a playful exchange about getting lucky at a casino, setting the tone for a series of comedic sketches. We are treated to a hilarious narrative involving Costello's romantic misadventures, including a whimsical tale about his past love, Mabel Kumquat, and the absurdity of their engagement. The humor continues with a chaotic recount of Costello's family Christmas traditions, filled with slapstick and witty banter. The episode also features a heartwarming detective story with Sam Shovel, where Costello plays a detective who encounters a young boy caught stealing roller skates. Through a touching conversation, Sam Shovel imparts wisdom about the importance of understanding and compassion, especially during the holiday season. This blend of comedy and sentimentality showcases the duo's ability to entertain while delivering a meaningful message about kindness and the spirit of Christmas.
(01:13) A Comedic Exchange: Borrowing Money
(03:16) Christmas Shopping Chaos
(07:13) Confrontation with a Heckler
(09:09) Holiday Romance and Gifts
(13:43) Sam Shovel: The Case of Clarence
(17:04) A Lesson in Christmas Spirit
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
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Unknown:
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[00:01:14] Unknown:
Stop that yelling, Carstello. Come over here. I need I need $10,000 in a hurry. Will you loan it to me?
[00:01:21] Unknown:
Haven't got that much. Well, how about 8,000? How about 5,000? 1 thousand? Pastella, when are you going to stop that laughing? When you get down to about $3 and a quarter. I should have known that if you stopped chasing girls, you'd have money. I don't chase women now, but I'm repulsive to women. Pulsar to women? Who told you that? Women. What? Haven't you ever had a real girl, Lou? Oh, yes. I have. Once haven't. Her name was Mabel Kumquat. Dear old Mabel Kumquat. Oh. Sweet kid. Not bad. Met her in a doctor's factory in Patterson. I was a salami sniper. A salami?
A salami sniper? Snipper. Alright. So what is Well, a salami snipper, that's an endless chain of salami would go by me every 20 inches. I would go snip snip. Go on. One day I looked up and there stood Mabel. I stood there looking at her for fifteen minutes. And what happened? Abbott. Do you ever see a salami two miles long? And that was the start of your romance. Oh, yes. One night, I took her up I took her up to mountain.
[00:02:34] Unknown:
Wait a minute. There's no
[00:02:37] Unknown:
mountain in Paterson. Habit when I take a girl up a mountain to a mountain, it's fun. Then when you came engaged, I slipped the ring on a finger. I didn't have a ring, so I used a cigar band. Then when did you get the cigar band? Mabel happened to be smoking a white owl at the time.
[00:02:56] Unknown:
I know it was a white owl. I like to smell the feathers. Costello, you did graduate with honors from an idiot's college. Thank you, professor. Alright. Alright, Castello. Stop that yelling. Where have you been?
[00:03:20] Unknown:
I've been I I I've been hiding hiding my Christmas presents. Have you finished with your Christmas shopping, Lou? No. No. On the way down here, I stopped at Nancy's department store. And, boy, was that place crowded. Lots of people, Yeah. But it was so crowded. When I was in there, my belt broke, and it was twenty minutes before my pants fell down. Right. Another thing. I can't stand those women shoppers. What's wrong with women shoppers? Well, I was standing by the notion, Connor. There was one woman there. She was turning everything bottom side up to see where it was made. She was turning everything bottom side up. Everything bottom side up. Blow, what could save me just in time? Never mind. I just got for a dollar 94.
Blow, blow. Skip that. Did you write your letter to Santa Claus yet? Did I write my letter to Santa Claus? I ain't gonna tell you. Oh, come on. Did you or did you not write a letter to Santa Claus? Well, if you must know, I did. And I asked him to bring me a new bicycle. But but Santa Claus brought you a new bicycle, a brand new bicycle two years ago. Yes. But but don't you think I'm old enough now to have a boy's bicycle? Costello, I hate to interrupt your program, but I've got some bad news for you. Out with it, man. What is it? Mister Costello, your uncle Tom was just run over by a truck on Wiltshire Boulevard. My uncle Tom was run over by a truck on Wiltshire Boulevard.
Thanks for telling me. Abbott. What? You got a pencil? What do you want with a pencil? I wanna cross uncle Tom off my Christmas list.
[00:04:48] Unknown:
How can you say that, Costello? How can you be so hard with us? Isn't there any love in your family around Christmas time? Oh, sure. Our family all love each other. Last Christmas, my aunt May gave my uncle Mike a broken arm for Christmas. A broken arm? Yep. What kind of a Christmas present is that? Well, after she broke it, she wrapped it up as a gift.
[00:05:05] Unknown:
I'll bet your house is a pleasant place around Christmas. Oh, you should've been there last year. Aunt May called Uncle Jim are no good, and aunt May hit her over the head hit her over the head with a vase. Then my uncle my uncle hit my brother Pat over the head with a cane bottom chair, and then Uncle Tom hit my cousin Vincent with the umbrella stand, and my sister Marie fired three shots at my sister-in-law. What happened? Well, before you knew it, an argument started. Well, I wanna tell you something happened. Speaking of arguments, what are you gonna get your wife for Christmas? Well, I I gave her some money. She wanted to buy herself a new closet. Lovely. Yes. But she can't seem to find one that will fill her budget. She's so fat, nothing would fit her budget. Because, Ellen, my wife is just pleasantly plump. She's not fat. That reminds me, Abbot. My sister would like to borrow one of your wife's stockings to hang over the fireplace on Christmas Eve. What does she want with one of my wife's stockings? She's expecting a grand piano.
[00:06:00] Unknown:
Are you trying to insinuate that my wife Betty is fat? Well Did you ever see her in a bathing suit? Yes. I have. Repulsive, isn't it? I I wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who put that in this script? I told you, Abbot. You should have bought those riders' presents. I
[00:06:19] Unknown:
did you did you buy the presents? No. But I asked them what they wanted, and they said to me, Lou, you know, we like this. You'll just go out and get it. Wrap it up. Put it on the Christmas tree. Well, but why don't you do it? I have it. You can't wrap up a saloon. Well, if you didn't get the riders or anything, you should have at least bought, their wives something. I did have it. I gave each one of them a corsage. No. Not corsage.
[00:06:39] Unknown:
Not corsage. That's corsage, spelled a g e. It's pronounced like odd as in corsage or or garage. Now where did you get them? From the man who picks up the garbag.
[00:06:57] Unknown:
Well, I gotta go now. I gotta do some shopping for Louis B. Mayer. He wants me to get a box of cigars. He's gonna get them to Margaret O'Brien for Christmas. Oh, wait a minute. Why would he wanna give Margaret O'Brien a box of cigars for Christmas? He wants to stun her, Ruth.
[00:07:14] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. That did it. Now I'm gonna tell you what I think of you. You're the lousiest comedian on the radio. You tell the worst jokes on here. And furthermore, my brother, I wouldn't come to see your show again if you gave me a million dollars. You stink.
[00:07:35] Unknown:
Sounded good, Luke. This guy means it. Tough guy. You wanna step outside and say that? Tell me I'll step outside and say it. Why? Well, there's a lot of people out there in front that couldn't get in a studio. Maybe they'd like to hear it too.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
That's what I thought. You're a yellow rat. A yellow rat that did it. I'm not taking that sitting down. Oh, you're not, No.
[00:07:59] Unknown:
He got me, Abbot. Where'd you get you, Costello? As I said before, I'm not taking this sitting down.
[00:08:09] Unknown:
Hello, boys. Hey. Look, Costello. It's our secretary. Leo Lavon.
[00:08:13] Unknown:
Costello. I didn't expect to to see you here tonight. I thought you'd be up at the North Pole looking for Santa Claus. No. It's too cold up there. My uncle Jim moved up there at North Pole. Last I heard of him, he was keeping company with a a girl polar bear, and he was gonna get married. To a girl polar bear? What stopped them? Their parents objected. If I remember right, your uncle Jim took your cousin Vincent to, well, ask her with him, didn't he? Yes. And one day, Vincent was fishing for whales. He hooked one and started to pull on his line, then the whale pulled, then Vincent pulled, then the whale pulled. Where is Vincent now? I don't know. But every time I get a postcard from him, he sends regards from Jonah.
[00:08:48] Unknown:
Yo. You look so pretty. Why don't you and I step step out together after the show? I'm in a game mood tonight. I'm feeling my oats. Yes. I haven't. Have you been out to lunch with Trigger again? I am.
[00:09:01] Unknown:
There's no reason why Viola shouldn't go out with me. I'm a regular ladies' man. Why women throw themselves at my feet? I don't blame him. Anything you get away from that face. I
[00:09:11] Unknown:
just tell us my turn to go out with Viola. Why you've been over to our house five nights running? Oh oh, no, mister Abbott. Only four nights running. Last night, my father didn't chase him.
[00:09:23] Unknown:
Look. There's no use in you boys fighting over me. I wanna find a big, strong, robust, romantic man.
[00:09:30] Unknown:
How about me?
[00:09:32] Unknown:
Okay. You can help me look.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
Gastel, I don't blame you, Ola, for not wanting to go out with you. You're fat. You're ugly. Your front tooth is missing. Oh, no. It's not. I got it right here in my pocket. I
[00:09:47] Unknown:
Costell, honey, what are you gonna get me for Christmas? You know, I need a new car.
[00:09:52] Unknown:
A new car? Well well, Costello, as soon as a new new car prices come down, well, maybe you can get her a new car. I don't think so, Abbott. I went to a dealer yesterday, and I said, how long will it be before I can get a new car for $900? He put my pulse
[00:10:06] Unknown:
and says you'll never make it. Oh, forget about me, Oliver. We've got a lot of people on this show, and we've gotta get them Christmas presents. Come on. Let's go across the street to the department store.
[00:10:26] Unknown:
See, this store is crowded. Look over there. It's our band leader, Matty Malnik. Hiya, fellas. I'm looking to buy some records. Costello, do you know where the music department is? No. I don't. Well, you take the down this aisle to the escalator, then you take the escalator to the next floor, then you go towards the front of the store. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You asked me. I asked you what? How to get to the music department? Well, you go down this aisle to the escalator than you're right now. Come on. Now get out of here, Matty Malek. Now look. Some musician, he just don't give a toot. Love Casa.
[00:10:55] Unknown:
Not Stella. There's Santa Claus in the toy department. Hey. Come on. Come on over here. I wanna talk to him. Are you Santa Claus? Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes.
[00:11:04] Unknown:
I'm Santa Claus. Yes, little man. Oh, oh, oh, what's the idea of kicking me in the leg? That's the last year.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
Yep.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Now sell her that snowy twang. Santa Claus is here to find out what you want for Christmas. Now go ahead and tell them what you want for Christmas. See, Santa Claus. I wish that Christmas morning I could find Rita Hayworth in my stocking. With those fat legs of yours, you'd have plenty of room for the Andrews sisters. Hey, Santa Claus. That was pretty good. No. It's nothing.
[00:11:40] Unknown:
I tell those jokes all the time up at the North Pole.
[00:11:45] Unknown:
Who's your straight man? A penguin. You want a trade?
[00:11:50] Unknown:
No. I don't want a trade. I'm too fond of this penguin. I keep him in a bottle of ink. Hello. A fountain penguin. Menaquin.
[00:12:04] Unknown:
Mhmm. Costello is just a kid at heart. He craves affection.
[00:12:07] Unknown:
The thing for you to do is mother him. Oh, well, that's different. Sure. Here. Here. Come on. Get up on my knee, fat boy. Now put your hand under my beard. Now I've gotcha.
[00:12:28] Unknown:
Santa Claus. Santa Claus, what are you doing? I told you to mother them. Oh, I thought you said mother I have a very beautiful summer song by Hal Winter. Hey, Evan. Fine. My brother, Pat, just told me some wonderful news. Tomorrow, he starts playing with the girls in Phil's Vitale's orchestra. What, instrument, will he play? No instrument. He's just gonna play with the girls. I thought your brother was a musician. Oh, he's a singer. He sings just like Nelson Eddy. Does he sing, Shorten and Bread? Well, he could, but the places he sings in are so small and narrow, he can't sing Shorten and Bread. He's gotta sing right crisp. Never mind that. What are you doing with that newspaper? I wanted a Saudi Abbott. My same shovel detective series has become so popular that newspapers have taken it off the radio page and put it in the front page. Look.
Mhmm. Oh, wait a minute. I don't see it on the front page. There it is. There it is. Under crimes committed in Los Angeles today. And besides that, I'm getting more fan mail than ever. Listen to this one. Dear Luke Hostile, if your Sam Shelby detective theory is not the funniest program on the air, then I'm not the next president of The United States. Who's it from? Tom Dewey. Well, never mind that. What is your Sam's Shovel detective mystery for tonight? It's one of my latest cases have it. I call it the case of Clarence, the dress designer who gave himself up to the police or I'm all yours in Buttons and Bows.
[00:13:57] Unknown:
And now to the further adventures of Sam Shuttles, private detective.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Yes. I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, private detective. Sitting here in my little office, it's mighty chilly in here. I think I'll throw another log on a fire. Every time I build a log, fire in my office, a landlord complains. Maybe it's because I have no fireplace. I pick up the newspaper. I drop it on my desk. It was the mirror. I read the one ad. Woman who watches Mondays and Tuesdays wants place to hang out on Wednesdays. Here's another one. Wanted man to teach nuclear division of atomic astral physical psychotronic fissures. No experience necessary. I glanced out of my window to see what's playing in the movie across the street.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
Chicago,
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Cleveland, Boston.
[00:15:14] Unknown:
Must be that new picture, the cry of the city. Next door to the movie is a Hollywood nightclub. Those Hollywood nightclubs cut the liquor so much the bartenders have to have a barber's license. In the winter, they have to put alcohol in a whiskey to keep it from freezing. I remember once my pal, lieutenant ambassador of the homicide squad, was so disgusted that he went in that joint to drink himself to death. He didn't get drunk, but there was so much water in the whiskey, he nearly drowned. Suddenly, the phone rings.
[00:15:55] Unknown:
Sam Shovell speaking. Sam Shovell, you're on the spot. Get wise of yourself. You've gotta play ball with us. Who are you? UCLA football team. We'll play anybody.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
One line went south. I look out the window again. Crowds, nothing but crowds, everybody doing a last minute Christmas shopping. The crowds give me an idea. I'm gonna write to my congressman and have them change Christmas to April. The stores aren't so crowded then. In the crowd, I see my pal, Lieutenant Abbott. Abbott is the cheapest guy in the world all year round. When Christmas comes, he'd give you the shirt over his back. I know. Last year for Christmas, he gave me a dirty shirt. Lieutenant Abbott is a great detective. He worked on the Morelli case, and in two days, he had it sewed up. And Then he got the Merry case, and it only took him three days to sew that up. Then came the famous Lewis case. He sewed that up in twenty four hours.
He never carried a gun. Just a sewing machine and three extra bobbins.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
Hello, Sam Scheville.
[00:17:07] Unknown:
Sam, tomorrow's Christmas Eve, and I dropped in to find out what you want for Christmas. Well, I live just a stone's throw from Heather Lamar's house, and my bedroom window is just a stone's throw from her window. What do you want for Christmas, Sam? A stone. Lieutenant, why don't you send me some muscle toe so I can kiss the girls under it? That's not muscle toe. That's mistletoe. Missal, not muscle. When I wanna kiss a girl, I gotta use muscle.
[00:17:36] Unknown:
Sam, I want you to help me on a job. I've been assigned to guard at an apartment store during the Christmas rush. I got at the Broadway Hollywood store last Christmas.
[00:17:44] Unknown:
I put a man on a Fifth Street door, a man on a Broadway door, a man on a Sixth Street door. How'd you make out? They didn't lose a single door, but all the windows were stolen.
[00:17:57] Unknown:
Come on, Sam. We're going down to the store right now.
[00:18:07] Unknown:
Sam, this is a big store. They sell anything from sailboats to a palm of pecan. I see. They got everything from sloop to nuts.
[00:18:15] Unknown:
Hey, don't come, gentlemen. You'll have to go to work right away. The shoplifters are stealing everything in Aisle 9. Where is Aisle 9? Well, this is Aisle 7. That's Aisle 8. And that, how do you like that? They stole Aisle 9. I don't like this job. Say, who is that gorgeous girl behind the crowded counter? Well, that's miss Fairchild. She works in ladies slippers. She's beautiful. What else does she do? She just works in ladies slippers. That's all.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
Hey. Stop. Wait a minute. Look. That kid, he just stole a pair of roller skates. I'll get him.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
Don't call me. Let me go, you copper. Let me go. I'll teach you to steal. I'm going to lock you up. Lieutenant, I'll take charge of this case. You'll keep your eye on the store. Come with me, son.
[00:19:06] Unknown:
Please don't take me to jail. Please don't take me to jail.
[00:19:13] Unknown:
I didn't have the heart to take that kid to jail. He didn't look like a bad kid. He was poorly dressed. His face was dirty, but I could still see some of his freckles. His name was Johnny. I took him to my little office and sat him down in the chair. I could see he was scared, plenty scared. Hey, mister Shubble. I I don't wanna go to jail. And I don't want you to go to jail, son. That's why I brought you here. Those were plenty of expensive roller skates you took off the counter in that store, Johnny. Oh, jeez.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
We're only a dollar 98.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
I'm not talking about the cost and money, Johnny. It's a cost and shame and disgrace, not only to you, but to your mom and your dad.
[00:19:52] Unknown:
I never thought about that, mom and dad.
[00:19:57] Unknown:
That's the trouble with doing a wrong thing, Johnny. Most time it hurts others more than the guy that does it. See
[00:20:04] Unknown:
see, you're a funny guy. You're supposed to be a detective, a cop. Me and the kids in my neighborhood, we ain't got no use for coppers. But, see, I kinda like you. You don't talk like no cop. You're you're more like a a friend.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Johnny, cops aren't bad guys. Every cop on the force wants to be the friends with every kid on his beat. When a kid is in trouble, if he'd run to a cop instead of away from him, he'd find out that cops are pretty regular fellows. You see, Johnny, you're a kid and I'm a cop. But lucky for us, we're both living in a wonderful country, a country that's interested in the welfare of his children. Our police know that no kid wants to be bad. It's just bad environment, neglect on the part of parents, lack of love and understanding that makes a kid go wrong. Yeah.
[00:20:57] Unknown:
And and are you sure that all cops is my friend?
[00:21:00] Unknown:
All cops, Johnny. Uh-huh. There you are. Even him? Even him. I don't know what this is all about, Sam. But I gotta get this kid to the lockup. This is Christmas Eve, and I gotta You gotta get a little of the Christmas spirit, lieutenant. I think Johnny's very sorry for what he did. He'll never do it again. Well, he tried to get away from me. He ran from the law. That's a sign of guilt. Honest, I won't never do it again. I promise I won't. Besides, lieutenant, I think I've made Johnny understand that cops are his friends. Yeah.
[00:21:33] Unknown:
Johnny, you know the cops are a kid's best friend. You you really learned something. Yeah. Well, there's only one thing that puzzles me. What is it, Johnny?
[00:21:43] Unknown:
Well, what kind of habit's a cop, ain't he? Yes. Well, how could a guy with a face like that be any kind of a cop? Oh, Johnny.
[00:21:53] Unknown:
Johnny, it's Christmas Eve. Listen.
[00:22:09] Unknown:
Well, it's Christmas Eve again. I promised my wife I'd be I'd be in church, saying my prayers,
[00:22:14] Unknown:
singing hymns. And here I am in this broken town You don't have to be in church for that, lieutenant. How about it, Johnny? Know the words to that song? Yeah. I think so. Johnny, let's try it. What do you say?
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[00:01:14] Unknown:
Stop that yelling, Carstello. Come over here. I need I need $10,000 in a hurry. Will you loan it to me?
[00:01:21] Unknown:
Haven't got that much. Well, how about 8,000? How about 5,000? 1 thousand? Pastella, when are you going to stop that laughing? When you get down to about $3 and a quarter. I should have known that if you stopped chasing girls, you'd have money. I don't chase women now, but I'm repulsive to women. Pulsar to women? Who told you that? Women. What? Haven't you ever had a real girl, Lou? Oh, yes. I have. Once haven't. Her name was Mabel Kumquat. Dear old Mabel Kumquat. Oh. Sweet kid. Not bad. Met her in a doctor's factory in Patterson. I was a salami sniper. A salami?
A salami sniper? Snipper. Alright. So what is Well, a salami snipper, that's an endless chain of salami would go by me every 20 inches. I would go snip snip. Go on. One day I looked up and there stood Mabel. I stood there looking at her for fifteen minutes. And what happened? Abbott. Do you ever see a salami two miles long? And that was the start of your romance. Oh, yes. One night, I took her up I took her up to mountain.
[00:02:34] Unknown:
Wait a minute. There's no
[00:02:37] Unknown:
mountain in Paterson. Habit when I take a girl up a mountain to a mountain, it's fun. Then when you came engaged, I slipped the ring on a finger. I didn't have a ring, so I used a cigar band. Then when did you get the cigar band? Mabel happened to be smoking a white owl at the time.
[00:02:56] Unknown:
I know it was a white owl. I like to smell the feathers. Costello, you did graduate with honors from an idiot's college. Thank you, professor. Alright. Alright, Castello. Stop that yelling. Where have you been?
[00:03:20] Unknown:
I've been I I I've been hiding hiding my Christmas presents. Have you finished with your Christmas shopping, Lou? No. No. On the way down here, I stopped at Nancy's department store. And, boy, was that place crowded. Lots of people, Yeah. But it was so crowded. When I was in there, my belt broke, and it was twenty minutes before my pants fell down. Right. Another thing. I can't stand those women shoppers. What's wrong with women shoppers? Well, I was standing by the notion, Connor. There was one woman there. She was turning everything bottom side up to see where it was made. She was turning everything bottom side up. Everything bottom side up. Blow, what could save me just in time? Never mind. I just got for a dollar 94.
Blow, blow. Skip that. Did you write your letter to Santa Claus yet? Did I write my letter to Santa Claus? I ain't gonna tell you. Oh, come on. Did you or did you not write a letter to Santa Claus? Well, if you must know, I did. And I asked him to bring me a new bicycle. But but Santa Claus brought you a new bicycle, a brand new bicycle two years ago. Yes. But but don't you think I'm old enough now to have a boy's bicycle? Costello, I hate to interrupt your program, but I've got some bad news for you. Out with it, man. What is it? Mister Costello, your uncle Tom was just run over by a truck on Wiltshire Boulevard. My uncle Tom was run over by a truck on Wiltshire Boulevard.
Thanks for telling me. Abbott. What? You got a pencil? What do you want with a pencil? I wanna cross uncle Tom off my Christmas list.
[00:04:48] Unknown:
How can you say that, Costello? How can you be so hard with us? Isn't there any love in your family around Christmas time? Oh, sure. Our family all love each other. Last Christmas, my aunt May gave my uncle Mike a broken arm for Christmas. A broken arm? Yep. What kind of a Christmas present is that? Well, after she broke it, she wrapped it up as a gift.
[00:05:05] Unknown:
I'll bet your house is a pleasant place around Christmas. Oh, you should've been there last year. Aunt May called Uncle Jim are no good, and aunt May hit her over the head hit her over the head with a vase. Then my uncle my uncle hit my brother Pat over the head with a cane bottom chair, and then Uncle Tom hit my cousin Vincent with the umbrella stand, and my sister Marie fired three shots at my sister-in-law. What happened? Well, before you knew it, an argument started. Well, I wanna tell you something happened. Speaking of arguments, what are you gonna get your wife for Christmas? Well, I I gave her some money. She wanted to buy herself a new closet. Lovely. Yes. But she can't seem to find one that will fill her budget. She's so fat, nothing would fit her budget. Because, Ellen, my wife is just pleasantly plump. She's not fat. That reminds me, Abbot. My sister would like to borrow one of your wife's stockings to hang over the fireplace on Christmas Eve. What does she want with one of my wife's stockings? She's expecting a grand piano.
[00:06:00] Unknown:
Are you trying to insinuate that my wife Betty is fat? Well Did you ever see her in a bathing suit? Yes. I have. Repulsive, isn't it? I I wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who put that in this script? I told you, Abbot. You should have bought those riders' presents. I
[00:06:19] Unknown:
did you did you buy the presents? No. But I asked them what they wanted, and they said to me, Lou, you know, we like this. You'll just go out and get it. Wrap it up. Put it on the Christmas tree. Well, but why don't you do it? I have it. You can't wrap up a saloon. Well, if you didn't get the riders or anything, you should have at least bought, their wives something. I did have it. I gave each one of them a corsage. No. Not corsage.
[00:06:39] Unknown:
Not corsage. That's corsage, spelled a g e. It's pronounced like odd as in corsage or or garage. Now where did you get them? From the man who picks up the garbag.
[00:06:57] Unknown:
Well, I gotta go now. I gotta do some shopping for Louis B. Mayer. He wants me to get a box of cigars. He's gonna get them to Margaret O'Brien for Christmas. Oh, wait a minute. Why would he wanna give Margaret O'Brien a box of cigars for Christmas? He wants to stun her, Ruth.
[00:07:14] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. That did it. Now I'm gonna tell you what I think of you. You're the lousiest comedian on the radio. You tell the worst jokes on here. And furthermore, my brother, I wouldn't come to see your show again if you gave me a million dollars. You stink.
[00:07:35] Unknown:
Sounded good, Luke. This guy means it. Tough guy. You wanna step outside and say that? Tell me I'll step outside and say it. Why? Well, there's a lot of people out there in front that couldn't get in a studio. Maybe they'd like to hear it too.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
That's what I thought. You're a yellow rat. A yellow rat that did it. I'm not taking that sitting down. Oh, you're not, No.
[00:07:59] Unknown:
He got me, Abbot. Where'd you get you, Costello? As I said before, I'm not taking this sitting down.
[00:08:09] Unknown:
Hello, boys. Hey. Look, Costello. It's our secretary. Leo Lavon.
[00:08:13] Unknown:
Costello. I didn't expect to to see you here tonight. I thought you'd be up at the North Pole looking for Santa Claus. No. It's too cold up there. My uncle Jim moved up there at North Pole. Last I heard of him, he was keeping company with a a girl polar bear, and he was gonna get married. To a girl polar bear? What stopped them? Their parents objected. If I remember right, your uncle Jim took your cousin Vincent to, well, ask her with him, didn't he? Yes. And one day, Vincent was fishing for whales. He hooked one and started to pull on his line, then the whale pulled, then Vincent pulled, then the whale pulled. Where is Vincent now? I don't know. But every time I get a postcard from him, he sends regards from Jonah.
[00:08:48] Unknown:
Yo. You look so pretty. Why don't you and I step step out together after the show? I'm in a game mood tonight. I'm feeling my oats. Yes. I haven't. Have you been out to lunch with Trigger again? I am.
[00:09:01] Unknown:
There's no reason why Viola shouldn't go out with me. I'm a regular ladies' man. Why women throw themselves at my feet? I don't blame him. Anything you get away from that face. I
[00:09:11] Unknown:
just tell us my turn to go out with Viola. Why you've been over to our house five nights running? Oh oh, no, mister Abbott. Only four nights running. Last night, my father didn't chase him.
[00:09:23] Unknown:
Look. There's no use in you boys fighting over me. I wanna find a big, strong, robust, romantic man.
[00:09:30] Unknown:
How about me?
[00:09:32] Unknown:
Okay. You can help me look.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
Gastel, I don't blame you, Ola, for not wanting to go out with you. You're fat. You're ugly. Your front tooth is missing. Oh, no. It's not. I got it right here in my pocket. I
[00:09:47] Unknown:
Costell, honey, what are you gonna get me for Christmas? You know, I need a new car.
[00:09:52] Unknown:
A new car? Well well, Costello, as soon as a new new car prices come down, well, maybe you can get her a new car. I don't think so, Abbott. I went to a dealer yesterday, and I said, how long will it be before I can get a new car for $900? He put my pulse
[00:10:06] Unknown:
and says you'll never make it. Oh, forget about me, Oliver. We've got a lot of people on this show, and we've gotta get them Christmas presents. Come on. Let's go across the street to the department store.
[00:10:26] Unknown:
See, this store is crowded. Look over there. It's our band leader, Matty Malnik. Hiya, fellas. I'm looking to buy some records. Costello, do you know where the music department is? No. I don't. Well, you take the down this aisle to the escalator, then you take the escalator to the next floor, then you go towards the front of the store. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You asked me. I asked you what? How to get to the music department? Well, you go down this aisle to the escalator than you're right now. Come on. Now get out of here, Matty Malek. Now look. Some musician, he just don't give a toot. Love Casa.
[00:10:55] Unknown:
Not Stella. There's Santa Claus in the toy department. Hey. Come on. Come on over here. I wanna talk to him. Are you Santa Claus? Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes.
[00:11:04] Unknown:
I'm Santa Claus. Yes, little man. Oh, oh, oh, what's the idea of kicking me in the leg? That's the last year.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
Yep.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Now sell her that snowy twang. Santa Claus is here to find out what you want for Christmas. Now go ahead and tell them what you want for Christmas. See, Santa Claus. I wish that Christmas morning I could find Rita Hayworth in my stocking. With those fat legs of yours, you'd have plenty of room for the Andrews sisters. Hey, Santa Claus. That was pretty good. No. It's nothing.
[00:11:40] Unknown:
I tell those jokes all the time up at the North Pole.
[00:11:45] Unknown:
Who's your straight man? A penguin. You want a trade?
[00:11:50] Unknown:
No. I don't want a trade. I'm too fond of this penguin. I keep him in a bottle of ink. Hello. A fountain penguin. Menaquin.
[00:12:04] Unknown:
Mhmm. Costello is just a kid at heart. He craves affection.
[00:12:07] Unknown:
The thing for you to do is mother him. Oh, well, that's different. Sure. Here. Here. Come on. Get up on my knee, fat boy. Now put your hand under my beard. Now I've gotcha.
[00:12:28] Unknown:
Santa Claus. Santa Claus, what are you doing? I told you to mother them. Oh, I thought you said mother I have a very beautiful summer song by Hal Winter. Hey, Evan. Fine. My brother, Pat, just told me some wonderful news. Tomorrow, he starts playing with the girls in Phil's Vitale's orchestra. What, instrument, will he play? No instrument. He's just gonna play with the girls. I thought your brother was a musician. Oh, he's a singer. He sings just like Nelson Eddy. Does he sing, Shorten and Bread? Well, he could, but the places he sings in are so small and narrow, he can't sing Shorten and Bread. He's gotta sing right crisp. Never mind that. What are you doing with that newspaper? I wanted a Saudi Abbott. My same shovel detective series has become so popular that newspapers have taken it off the radio page and put it in the front page. Look.
Mhmm. Oh, wait a minute. I don't see it on the front page. There it is. There it is. Under crimes committed in Los Angeles today. And besides that, I'm getting more fan mail than ever. Listen to this one. Dear Luke Hostile, if your Sam Shelby detective theory is not the funniest program on the air, then I'm not the next president of The United States. Who's it from? Tom Dewey. Well, never mind that. What is your Sam's Shovel detective mystery for tonight? It's one of my latest cases have it. I call it the case of Clarence, the dress designer who gave himself up to the police or I'm all yours in Buttons and Bows.
[00:13:57] Unknown:
And now to the further adventures of Sam Shuttles, private detective.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Yes. I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, private detective. Sitting here in my little office, it's mighty chilly in here. I think I'll throw another log on a fire. Every time I build a log, fire in my office, a landlord complains. Maybe it's because I have no fireplace. I pick up the newspaper. I drop it on my desk. It was the mirror. I read the one ad. Woman who watches Mondays and Tuesdays wants place to hang out on Wednesdays. Here's another one. Wanted man to teach nuclear division of atomic astral physical psychotronic fissures. No experience necessary. I glanced out of my window to see what's playing in the movie across the street.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
Chicago,
[00:15:12] Unknown:
Cleveland, Boston.
[00:15:14] Unknown:
Must be that new picture, the cry of the city. Next door to the movie is a Hollywood nightclub. Those Hollywood nightclubs cut the liquor so much the bartenders have to have a barber's license. In the winter, they have to put alcohol in a whiskey to keep it from freezing. I remember once my pal, lieutenant ambassador of the homicide squad, was so disgusted that he went in that joint to drink himself to death. He didn't get drunk, but there was so much water in the whiskey, he nearly drowned. Suddenly, the phone rings.
[00:15:55] Unknown:
Sam Shovell speaking. Sam Shovell, you're on the spot. Get wise of yourself. You've gotta play ball with us. Who are you? UCLA football team. We'll play anybody.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
One line went south. I look out the window again. Crowds, nothing but crowds, everybody doing a last minute Christmas shopping. The crowds give me an idea. I'm gonna write to my congressman and have them change Christmas to April. The stores aren't so crowded then. In the crowd, I see my pal, Lieutenant Abbott. Abbott is the cheapest guy in the world all year round. When Christmas comes, he'd give you the shirt over his back. I know. Last year for Christmas, he gave me a dirty shirt. Lieutenant Abbott is a great detective. He worked on the Morelli case, and in two days, he had it sewed up. And Then he got the Merry case, and it only took him three days to sew that up. Then came the famous Lewis case. He sewed that up in twenty four hours.
He never carried a gun. Just a sewing machine and three extra bobbins.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
Hello, Sam Scheville.
[00:17:07] Unknown:
Sam, tomorrow's Christmas Eve, and I dropped in to find out what you want for Christmas. Well, I live just a stone's throw from Heather Lamar's house, and my bedroom window is just a stone's throw from her window. What do you want for Christmas, Sam? A stone. Lieutenant, why don't you send me some muscle toe so I can kiss the girls under it? That's not muscle toe. That's mistletoe. Missal, not muscle. When I wanna kiss a girl, I gotta use muscle.
[00:17:36] Unknown:
Sam, I want you to help me on a job. I've been assigned to guard at an apartment store during the Christmas rush. I got at the Broadway Hollywood store last Christmas.
[00:17:44] Unknown:
I put a man on a Fifth Street door, a man on a Broadway door, a man on a Sixth Street door. How'd you make out? They didn't lose a single door, but all the windows were stolen.
[00:17:57] Unknown:
Come on, Sam. We're going down to the store right now.
[00:18:07] Unknown:
Sam, this is a big store. They sell anything from sailboats to a palm of pecan. I see. They got everything from sloop to nuts.
[00:18:15] Unknown:
Hey, don't come, gentlemen. You'll have to go to work right away. The shoplifters are stealing everything in Aisle 9. Where is Aisle 9? Well, this is Aisle 7. That's Aisle 8. And that, how do you like that? They stole Aisle 9. I don't like this job. Say, who is that gorgeous girl behind the crowded counter? Well, that's miss Fairchild. She works in ladies slippers. She's beautiful. What else does she do? She just works in ladies slippers. That's all.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
Hey. Stop. Wait a minute. Look. That kid, he just stole a pair of roller skates. I'll get him.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
Don't call me. Let me go, you copper. Let me go. I'll teach you to steal. I'm going to lock you up. Lieutenant, I'll take charge of this case. You'll keep your eye on the store. Come with me, son.
[00:19:06] Unknown:
Please don't take me to jail. Please don't take me to jail.
[00:19:13] Unknown:
I didn't have the heart to take that kid to jail. He didn't look like a bad kid. He was poorly dressed. His face was dirty, but I could still see some of his freckles. His name was Johnny. I took him to my little office and sat him down in the chair. I could see he was scared, plenty scared. Hey, mister Shubble. I I don't wanna go to jail. And I don't want you to go to jail, son. That's why I brought you here. Those were plenty of expensive roller skates you took off the counter in that store, Johnny. Oh, jeez.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
We're only a dollar 98.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
I'm not talking about the cost and money, Johnny. It's a cost and shame and disgrace, not only to you, but to your mom and your dad.
[00:19:52] Unknown:
I never thought about that, mom and dad.
[00:19:57] Unknown:
That's the trouble with doing a wrong thing, Johnny. Most time it hurts others more than the guy that does it. See
[00:20:04] Unknown:
see, you're a funny guy. You're supposed to be a detective, a cop. Me and the kids in my neighborhood, we ain't got no use for coppers. But, see, I kinda like you. You don't talk like no cop. You're you're more like a a friend.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Johnny, cops aren't bad guys. Every cop on the force wants to be the friends with every kid on his beat. When a kid is in trouble, if he'd run to a cop instead of away from him, he'd find out that cops are pretty regular fellows. You see, Johnny, you're a kid and I'm a cop. But lucky for us, we're both living in a wonderful country, a country that's interested in the welfare of his children. Our police know that no kid wants to be bad. It's just bad environment, neglect on the part of parents, lack of love and understanding that makes a kid go wrong. Yeah.
[00:20:57] Unknown:
And and are you sure that all cops is my friend?
[00:21:00] Unknown:
All cops, Johnny. Uh-huh. There you are. Even him? Even him. I don't know what this is all about, Sam. But I gotta get this kid to the lockup. This is Christmas Eve, and I gotta You gotta get a little of the Christmas spirit, lieutenant. I think Johnny's very sorry for what he did. He'll never do it again. Well, he tried to get away from me. He ran from the law. That's a sign of guilt. Honest, I won't never do it again. I promise I won't. Besides, lieutenant, I think I've made Johnny understand that cops are his friends. Yeah.
[00:21:33] Unknown:
Johnny, you know the cops are a kid's best friend. You you really learned something. Yeah. Well, there's only one thing that puzzles me. What is it, Johnny?
[00:21:43] Unknown:
Well, what kind of habit's a cop, ain't he? Yes. Well, how could a guy with a face like that be any kind of a cop? Oh, Johnny.
[00:21:53] Unknown:
Johnny, it's Christmas Eve. Listen.
[00:22:09] Unknown:
Well, it's Christmas Eve again. I promised my wife I'd be I'd be in church, saying my prayers,
[00:22:14] Unknown:
singing hymns. And here I am in this broken town You don't have to be in church for that, lieutenant. How about it, Johnny? Know the words to that song? Yeah. I think so. Johnny, let's try it. What do you say?
[00:23:04] Unknown:
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