In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic world of Abbott and Costello, featuring a series of humorous sketches and dialogues that showcase their timeless wit. The episode kicks off with a playful exchange about Judy's newfound love for Chumba Casino, setting the stage for a series of comedic vignettes. From a biscuit slogan contest to a skunk farm venture, the duo's banter is as sharp as ever, highlighting their unique comedic chemistry.
Listeners are treated to a variety of sketches, including Costello's humorous take on football, a whimsical Sam Shovel detective story, and a musical interlude by Virginia Maxi. The episode is a delightful mix of jokes, character-driven humor, and classic slapstick, capturing the essence of Abbott and Costello's enduring appeal. Whether it's a playful jab at Costello's romantic escapades or a clever twist on a detective story, this episode is sure to entertain fans of classic comedy.
(00:30) Ryan's Fun Fanatic Confession
(01:10) The Biscuit Slogan Contest
(02:06) Costello's Romantic Misadventures
(04:05) Family Antics and Pasadena's High Class
(06:17) Costello's Dream and Football Follies
(10:13) Viola Vaughn's Entrance
(15:11) Football Memories and Costello's Tricks
(18:18) Sam Shovel's Detective Case
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
It's my little escape.
[00:00:06] Unknown:
Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. We were prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details. Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chambacasino.com. No purchase necessary. DGW. Avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18
[00:01:11] Unknown:
plus. Well, it's about time you got here. Where were you? Well, I was hoping after Mike's house, Abbot, and is he busy? He's gotta eat biscuits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And what's the idea? The biscuit company is running a slogan contest, and aunt May hasn't sent in a thousand box tops. And what does uncle Mike, think of the idea? He told aunt May to mail in the biscuits. He'd rather eat the box tops. How does Aunt May ever meet, uncle Mike? The first time they met, it was at the country club, and they spent the first day in the country. And the next time, they moved to the swimming club, and then they went swimming. And after that, they got married and they went to another club that influenced their lives. What club was that? The store club. Well, they're quite a couple. Oh, yes. Uncle Mike says he has only been only been two times in his life that he didn't understand that man. When was that? Before they were married and after.
Oh, you should get married, Costello, and quit running around. Every night you wind up with a different girl. You're right, Abbot. And I'm tired of winding up. I wanna start pitching. How are you gonna Go ahead. We give you time. How are you getting along with your new girl, Lou? Oh, how am I getting along with my new girl? She's got meat out of her hand. She has? Next week, she's gonna buy me a dish. But I don't think I wanna marry her anyway. I bet she wears very expensive clothes. Oh, no. Wait. How do you know her clothes are expensive? Every time I go over to her house, there's a guy in the closet garden. Oh, get him out of here. Get him out. Alright. Alright. Alright. Wait a minute. Why are you doing that rubber doll?
What are you doing with that rubber doll? Present for my sister's baby, Tony. She's one year old today. Has the baby learned to walk in? Abbott. Kid is only one year old. He only learned how to drive the car last week. What what's the baby's name? It's my sister's fifth baby. She named it Ming tui lotus blossom. Ming tui lotus blossom? Why did you name the child that? Read in a big book that every fifth child born is a Chinese. Well, never mind that, Lou. What what is your sister's husband doing now? What's he doing now? He had a little filling station, and what a filling station. But they picketed him and closed it to him up.
Now he's opened a skunk farm. A skunk farm? Mhmm. A skunk farm? He figures that's one business the union won't stick their nose in. And I haven't seen your brother-in-law in a long time. How how is he, Lou? You wouldn't know him, Edith. The sands of time have changed his face. Well, he's only a young guy. How could the sands of time change his face, Cassette? My sister belted him in a puss with a hourglasses. Where are your sister and husband living now? Has granulated eyelids. Yeah. Well, where are your sister and husband living now? I'll let you know in a secondhand. In the middle of the peak.
I'm in it. They're living in Pasadena, and boy, is that a ritzy town. Oh, no. No. No. It's not so ritzy. Yeah. But Pasadena is so high class that they stop all the tourists at the city limit and make them rent Mink Coast before they can drive through town. No. I don't believe it. Come on. I'm on. Stop. I don't believe that. Rich town. I don't believe that. I don't believe it. You don't believe it? No. I don't. My brother, Pat, used to drive a truck for the city of Pasadena. He told me that all the garbage he picked up was gift wrapped. You mean your brother, Pat, drives that garbage truck? Oh, he's just doing it until he gets his new invention on the market. His invention will change the whole toothbrushes. What is it? A tooth on a stick to clean brushes.
Now, Stella, let's face it. Your brother is nothing but a bum. Abbott?
[00:05:06] Unknown:
That's why I can't sleep with him.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
I think what a bum my brother pat is. Well, if you can't sleep, why didn't you count sheep? I did. Once I counted the 10,000 sheep. I was just ready to fall asleep when along came a black sheep, and I got the thing of what a bum my brother patted, and I couldn't sleep the rest of the night. Costello, here's that bicycle that you ordered. Thanks. Hey. Wait a minute. What's the idea of buying a bicycle, Costello?
[00:05:36] Unknown:
I
[00:05:37] Unknown:
didn't wanna tell you about it. Wasting your money like that buying a bicycle. I insist that you tell me what you're going to do with it now. Oh, well, if you must know I must know. I'll tell you. Well, tell me. Last night, I dreamed I was chasing Rita Hayworth, and I couldn't catch her. Tonight, I'm taking a bicycle to bed with me. And if that don't get it tomorrow night, a motor goes on it. Costello, with all the thousands of people that have no place to live and are looking for vacancy, how can you walk around with a big empty head like that? Show me in the script where it says anything like that.
Oh, wait a minute. I can tell a joke. I'm a pretty good showman. Yeah? Yeah. You tell a joke like PT Barnum. PT Barnum is dead. You keep telling those kind of jokes, you'll join them back. I don't know. I don't know about that, Lou. My wife always laughs at my jokes. Did you ever notice those little, crow's feet around her eyes? Those are from laughing at my jokes. If those are crow's feet around your wife's eyes, the crows that made her must have been wearing baseball shoes. I how would you say that? My wife, Betty, has a beautiful face. She's got an automobile face. Well, what's an automobile face? Soon as she gets the jacks, you ought to have it lifted. I my wife is okay.
You'd better be off if you found a nice home. What? You'd be much better off, Lou, if you found a nice home with a loving girl and got married. Do you know where you're at? I don't. But my wife is okay. You'd be better off if you found a nice home, loving girl, and happy. Myself now. I found it out. Alright. I found mine. Have you got your place? Have you got yours? Oh, yes. Let's go. Let's go from scratch. My wife is okay. You'd be better off if you found a nice, home loving girl and got married yourself. Oh, we gave you enough time to rehearse. That's right.
I I had a home loving girl, and I had to get rid of her. Why? When I wasn't around, she was home loving some other guy. But you should go out tomorrow and meet some nice girl. I'm going out tonight. There's gonna be 26 girls at this party. I'm gonna kiss every one of them. Now that's the trouble with you. You have no manners. Now when there are 26 girls in a party, you take you talk about kissing. Every one of them, remember, one doesn't. One doesn't? No. Well, tell me which one it is, and I'll cross her off my list. Did you get it? No. I didn't get it.
They are lost where we were before. Gasteli, you should be satisfied with one girl. Don't you know one girl that you like better than the rest? Oh, but I saw one a day that I could really go for. Well, why not? You're close to her. Prose to her? Yeah. How dare you say that to me? Well, your father proposed to your mother? Yes. She was my mother, but this girl is a total stranger. But why didn't you start calling her? I did. I sent her some, orchards. Not orchards. It says here orchards. No. No. No. Not orchards. Orchids. Orchids. Orchids. Oh, sure. Probably after we're married. No. No. No.
No. No. You don't you don't you don't get the girl with orchids. You got her with orchid. Kid. Kid. Kid. Just a minute. Where am I getting all these kids? I ain't even married yet. You talk sense. I'm talking about orchids. Orchids. I raised in a nursery. Your kids might have been raised in a nursery, but our kids are gonna be raised at home. No. You don't understand. I'm talking about orchids. We have orchids at home. They're potted. Take after you. Okay? Well, hello, boy. Hey. Where did this come from, kid? It's our beautiful new secretary, Viola Vaughn.
Oh, I am glad you showed up early, Viola. Tonight, I'm gonna sing a song just for you. Well, Costello, I didn't know you sang. Oh, I got a high voice. I can hear the high u above t. High you. Fine. Thanks. High you. Pay no attention to them, Viola. Pay no attention to them. And why don't you and I have a bite of supper after the show, Well, I This is Viola. I hired you. Don't you think you should go out with me, kid? Please, missy Costello. I'll decide who I wanna go out with. That's just me. Make your own choice. I will try to help you in any shape or form. With your shape with your shape and form, nothing will help you.
Oh, that was awfully clever, Abbott. Oh, yeah. You know, Viola Abbott is practicing enough for television. Why would mister Abbott wanna be on television? It's the only way he can get in every bar in town at once. Well, Abbott, I, and I, I think we both struck out now. You tell one bit by all.
[00:11:02] Unknown:
Well, I I guess I'll have a try at it. Did did you
[00:11:10] Unknown:
I know it was too good to last.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
Well, I'll have a try at it. Did you boys know that my uncle is in the hospital? No. We all tell us what happened. My uncle was watching two men hoisting a piano into the Fifth Floor window of a hotel. He was standing underneath them yelling heave ho, heave ho. Wait wait a minute now. How how did he get into the hospital? I thought he said leave go.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Let's give this kid 6 silver dollars and a box of Snickers.
[00:11:45] Unknown:
Quiet, cousin. I think Viola has a terrific sense of humor. Oh, thank you, bud. I have another funny story. I went to the racetrack yesterday and bet on a horse that was a hundred to one. Hundred to one? That's terrific odds. Did the horse win? No. He was leading the field by 10 lengths when suddenly he jumped the rail and ran to the grandstand. What for? When he saw those three of the gods, he ran to the $2 window and put a bet on himself.
[00:12:12] Unknown:
Ladies and gentlemen, you have just listened to a joke by three unemployed people. Three unemployed people. Yeah. You, Viola, and the guy that wrote the stuff.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
And that's the halfway mark in tonight's lab race. Time for an intermission to concentrate on this.
[00:12:46] Unknown:
Yep. Before we go back to work tonight, let's hear from our blonde cutie pie, little little bitsy Virginia Maxi.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
Is east and west is west, and the wrong one I have chose. Let's go where I'll keep on where I know fruits and flowers and buttons and bows. Rings and things and buttons and bows. Don't bury me in this prairie. Take me where the steam man's from. Let's move down to some big town with a love bug gal by the color of her clothes, and I'll stand out in bucking those. I love you in bucking, a skirt that I've honed fun. But I love you longer, stronger, where your friends don't hold a gun. My boat enounced the box fort bounce and the gactus hurts my toe. Let's almost wear gals be shoes and those jokes and shadows and limitless shows, and I'm all yours in buttons and bows.
I love you in buckskin or skirts that I want fun. But I love you longer stronger where your friends don't toad a gun. My buzz enounced the buckboard bounce and the cactus hurts my toe. Let's find who swear gal keeps you the most so soon, sad and hoo, and let's show and I'm all yours in button bow. Give me eastern trim and wear women are women in high silk poses, peekaboo clothes, French perfume that rocks the room, and I'm all using buttons and
[00:14:41] Unknown:
bows.
[00:14:53] Unknown:
Alright, Viola.
[00:14:55] Unknown:
If you are so pussy, I'll take somebody else. What's the matter? Tell her. Well, I wanna take Viola Vaughn to the football game Saturday. So So I got sheets on the 50 yard line, but she said that ain't good enough for her. Well, she won't sit on the 50 yard line. No. She wants to sit in a stand. Right. No. I didn't know you were interested in football. Yeah. But football is my oh, that's my meat. I've known you a long time, Graciela, and you never went to any football game. Since well, since when has football become your meat? Since the last time I went to the butcher shop and saw the price of steak. I thought so. You know nothing about football. Don't be silly, Evan. I used to play football. The coaches, I played like a tiger. Oh, you must have been good. Nah. After all, what does a tiger know about playing football?
What position did you play on the team? Left tickle. Left tickle. Left tickle. You you mean left tackle. I mean left tickle. I used to tickle a guy who was carrying a ball and make him drop. It. Did you ever play any important team? Once our team played Notre Dame, what a rough team. I wanna put a busted nose, two cracked ribs, and a twisted ankle. Oh, that's not so tough. It could happen to any player. Well, sitting on the bench? Costello, I've been a football fan for years, and I've never heard your name mentioned in connection with any team. Oh, around Palace, New Jersey, I was famous. Paterson High School, Holt Hill. They remember me as the guy that invented the Costello hit and ball trick. Well, did your hit and ball, trick work good? Good. That was twenty years ago. Nobody's found the ball yet.
Well, you don't look like no football player to me. Football players have to be rugged and powerful and strong. Yeah. But when I played football at Coalt Hill in Paterson, New Jersey, I was powerful. All those kids were rugged. Very rugged. I can't say rugged. Just said it. Just said it. We didn't have no showers. By the end of the season, everybody said we were the strongest team in New Jersey. Nothing with the wind at our backs. Nobody could beat us. That must have been some football team. I remember our last game, man, but I was calling the second. Mildred. Maine, six six six four. Gladys, Hollywood seven nine five three.
Betty, Walnut three eight four one. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. Well, what was what was the idea of using girls, phone numbers as signals? Raddity. While the other team was writing them down, we scored 46 points. Hello, Graham. Hello, Costello. Hello, Grant. Hello, Costello. Yeah. Boy, I'll take it. You have it. What? It's one of my Sam's shovel detector fan. Boy, am I getting popular, Sam's shovel detector. Well, read it. Right. It's Leo Costello. I never miss your program. I really enjoy your portrayal of Sam's shovel, private detective. Your acting was so thrilling my hair stood on end. I'm coming over to see you tonight. Castell, is someone here to see you? Throw the man in? No, man. Just a few hairs standing on end.
Well, Castell, Sam Shovell, you're really killing the people. What case have you chosen for your Sam Shovell story tonight? Well, it's a case I worked on in the Sahara Desert. I call it the two dirty bed o' wind or it's time to change the sheets. Oh, that's an old that's an old case, Gastel. Haven't you got one more up to date? Well, my latest case. I call it the case of the telephone operator who died dancing or sorry, wrong rumba. Alright. Let's let's go on with the case. Yes. I'm Sam Schevel, private detective. It's been a slow day with the detective business.
I'm sitting here in my little office listening to my favorite radio program.
[00:18:59] Unknown:
Calling doctor Brian's surgery. Calling doctor Brian, surgery. Calling George Johnson, early and third.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
They never can find those two. There's more going on in that hospital than just operation. I turn off the radio. I listen to the wind howling on the outside. You all You are a partner? It's a southwestern wind. I decided to check up on some of my latest cases. Here's the one of the baby that was dipped. When I found him, he's wearing half a diaper. Somebody had shortchanged him. I think I'll relax. I feel like a smoke. That reminds me, I read in a paper this morning where most of the doctors who switched to camels are now back driving automobiles. A gaze out the window in the office across the street, I see Mamey the stenographer.
What a girl. I took her to dinner last night. She eats like a bird. She always orders worms. It's about time for my pal, Lieutenant Abbott, of the homicide squad to show up. Last week, when the Red Cross asked for blood donors, Lieutenant Abbott was the first to volunteer. He gave his blood the hard way. The hard way he cut his throat. Every time I think of Lieutenant Abbott, I think of his bowlegged wife. Brother, is she bowlegged? When missus Abbott sits around the house, she really sits around the house. Hello, same. I'm going to tell you that Martin, the murderous midget, is on the loose again. Martin, the murderous midget. The toughest midget in the world. Known to the police as public enemy number one half.
Yes, Sam. If I catch up with Martin, the midget, goodbye to his racket. Lieutenant Abbott ain't kidding. He's a great racket buster. He's busted 15 rackets already this year, and if you don't stop busting them at the Beverly Hills Tennis Club, they won't let them play there anymore. Sam, I got trouble with my owner. I'm thinking of divorcing my wife. Last night, I decided I I can't stand her cooking. Lieutenant Abbott, you've been married to that woman for thirty years. How come you just decided you can't stand her cooking? Until last night.
We always eat out. However, let's forget my problems. I will. Let's forget it and parley and forget your jokes too. Ma'am, how's the detective business going? Any new cases? Yes. I'm on a trail of a woman criminal. Show off, Susie. If I catch her, she'll go to the chair. I can't stand that game. She's always showing off. Last week, she started bragging again. She wanted to show everybody that her husband has brain. Can't arrest the woman for showing that her husband had brain? By shooting the top of his head off. Forget about show offs, Susie Sam. You're in hearing for some real trouble. Dora the dip escaped from prison this morning. Dora the dip. Mhmm. Most beautiful woman criminal I ever met. What a temper she had. The first time I saw her, she was beating her second husband over the head. She kept beating her second husband over the head. What was she beating him with? Her first husband.
Dora the dip, she was mad about me. It was on account that she threw her second husband over. All I had to say was, Dora, I wanna see you tonight no matter what man she was with. She'd throw him over. On account of that, they put her in jail. Oh, wait a minute. You can't put a woman in jail for throwing men over? Over the Pasadena Bridge? Sam, I heard that Dora was arrested while working as a clerk in a department store. She was jailed for taking money out of the cash register. That's a lie, lieutenant. You never took any money out of the cash register. I'm glad to hear that. I never put any money in the cash register.
[00:22:54] Unknown:
There you are, Sam's trouble.
[00:22:56] Unknown:
It was door of the difference. She looked more beautiful than ever. Sam? Yeah?
[00:23:01] Unknown:
I'm gonna kill you.
[00:23:03] Unknown:
She's only bluffing, Sam.
[00:23:05] Unknown:
You sent me to prison. You took me away from my family. Yeah. My five children by my first husband. My seven children by my second husband. She's still bluffing us, Sam. She may be bluffing, but it sounds to me like she's got a full house. Sam, on account of you, I spent ten years in prison. Ten years locked up with a thousand women. Do you know what it means to be alone for ten years with a thousand women?
[00:23:34] Unknown:
No. But I'd give anything to find out.
[00:23:43] Unknown:
Must have been terrible in prison, Dara. Lieutenant Abbott, you don't know what I went through. All day long, I had to pose with my twin sister for pictures of prison magazine ad. What did the ad see? Which twin has the crime wave? But now I'm free, Sam Shubble, and I'm gonna make you suffer as I've suffered. Sam? Yeah? Part of me died in that prison.
[00:24:08] Unknown:
Don't worry, Dora. With what you got left, you can do plenty of living. Dora, you haven't changed a bit. I thought prison would straighten you out. If they straighten her out, she could stew them for every cent they got.
[00:24:23] Unknown:
Sam Shoville, in spite of what you did to me, I'm still mad about you. You are? Yes, Sam. You're different from any man I ever met. Now you tell me the same. Okay.
[00:24:36] Unknown:
You're different from any man I've ever met.
[00:24:45] Unknown:
Sam, you sent me to prison and made a monkey out of me. Now I'm gonna get even. I'm gonna give you a kiss that'll make a monkey out of you.
[00:24:57] Unknown:
Come here.
[00:25:02] Unknown:
Sam, Sam, shovel. Speak to me. Where are you, Sam? Well, you should thank you should thank the people that do your work. I'm gonna do that right now, Ed. First, I wanna thank our writing staff headed by Eddie Foreman with Paul Collin, Pat Costello, Martin Ragaway, and Len Stern. Wait a minute. And our band leader, Maddie Melnick. You're right. And let's not forget our producer, Charles Banda. See you next Thursday night, folks. Good night, folks. Good night to everybody in Paterson. Listen.
[00:25:50] Unknown:
Each Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
It's my little escape.
[00:00:06] Unknown:
Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Chumba. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. We were prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details. Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chambacasino.com. No purchase necessary. DGW. Avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18
[00:01:11] Unknown:
plus. Well, it's about time you got here. Where were you? Well, I was hoping after Mike's house, Abbot, and is he busy? He's gotta eat biscuits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And what's the idea? The biscuit company is running a slogan contest, and aunt May hasn't sent in a thousand box tops. And what does uncle Mike, think of the idea? He told aunt May to mail in the biscuits. He'd rather eat the box tops. How does Aunt May ever meet, uncle Mike? The first time they met, it was at the country club, and they spent the first day in the country. And the next time, they moved to the swimming club, and then they went swimming. And after that, they got married and they went to another club that influenced their lives. What club was that? The store club. Well, they're quite a couple. Oh, yes. Uncle Mike says he has only been only been two times in his life that he didn't understand that man. When was that? Before they were married and after.
Oh, you should get married, Costello, and quit running around. Every night you wind up with a different girl. You're right, Abbot. And I'm tired of winding up. I wanna start pitching. How are you gonna Go ahead. We give you time. How are you getting along with your new girl, Lou? Oh, how am I getting along with my new girl? She's got meat out of her hand. She has? Next week, she's gonna buy me a dish. But I don't think I wanna marry her anyway. I bet she wears very expensive clothes. Oh, no. Wait. How do you know her clothes are expensive? Every time I go over to her house, there's a guy in the closet garden. Oh, get him out of here. Get him out. Alright. Alright. Alright. Wait a minute. Why are you doing that rubber doll?
What are you doing with that rubber doll? Present for my sister's baby, Tony. She's one year old today. Has the baby learned to walk in? Abbott. Kid is only one year old. He only learned how to drive the car last week. What what's the baby's name? It's my sister's fifth baby. She named it Ming tui lotus blossom. Ming tui lotus blossom? Why did you name the child that? Read in a big book that every fifth child born is a Chinese. Well, never mind that, Lou. What what is your sister's husband doing now? What's he doing now? He had a little filling station, and what a filling station. But they picketed him and closed it to him up.
Now he's opened a skunk farm. A skunk farm? Mhmm. A skunk farm? He figures that's one business the union won't stick their nose in. And I haven't seen your brother-in-law in a long time. How how is he, Lou? You wouldn't know him, Edith. The sands of time have changed his face. Well, he's only a young guy. How could the sands of time change his face, Cassette? My sister belted him in a puss with a hourglasses. Where are your sister and husband living now? Has granulated eyelids. Yeah. Well, where are your sister and husband living now? I'll let you know in a secondhand. In the middle of the peak.
I'm in it. They're living in Pasadena, and boy, is that a ritzy town. Oh, no. No. No. It's not so ritzy. Yeah. But Pasadena is so high class that they stop all the tourists at the city limit and make them rent Mink Coast before they can drive through town. No. I don't believe it. Come on. I'm on. Stop. I don't believe that. Rich town. I don't believe that. I don't believe it. You don't believe it? No. I don't. My brother, Pat, used to drive a truck for the city of Pasadena. He told me that all the garbage he picked up was gift wrapped. You mean your brother, Pat, drives that garbage truck? Oh, he's just doing it until he gets his new invention on the market. His invention will change the whole toothbrushes. What is it? A tooth on a stick to clean brushes.
Now, Stella, let's face it. Your brother is nothing but a bum. Abbott?
[00:05:06] Unknown:
That's why I can't sleep with him.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
I think what a bum my brother pat is. Well, if you can't sleep, why didn't you count sheep? I did. Once I counted the 10,000 sheep. I was just ready to fall asleep when along came a black sheep, and I got the thing of what a bum my brother patted, and I couldn't sleep the rest of the night. Costello, here's that bicycle that you ordered. Thanks. Hey. Wait a minute. What's the idea of buying a bicycle, Costello?
[00:05:36] Unknown:
I
[00:05:37] Unknown:
didn't wanna tell you about it. Wasting your money like that buying a bicycle. I insist that you tell me what you're going to do with it now. Oh, well, if you must know I must know. I'll tell you. Well, tell me. Last night, I dreamed I was chasing Rita Hayworth, and I couldn't catch her. Tonight, I'm taking a bicycle to bed with me. And if that don't get it tomorrow night, a motor goes on it. Costello, with all the thousands of people that have no place to live and are looking for vacancy, how can you walk around with a big empty head like that? Show me in the script where it says anything like that.
Oh, wait a minute. I can tell a joke. I'm a pretty good showman. Yeah? Yeah. You tell a joke like PT Barnum. PT Barnum is dead. You keep telling those kind of jokes, you'll join them back. I don't know. I don't know about that, Lou. My wife always laughs at my jokes. Did you ever notice those little, crow's feet around her eyes? Those are from laughing at my jokes. If those are crow's feet around your wife's eyes, the crows that made her must have been wearing baseball shoes. I how would you say that? My wife, Betty, has a beautiful face. She's got an automobile face. Well, what's an automobile face? Soon as she gets the jacks, you ought to have it lifted. I my wife is okay.
You'd better be off if you found a nice home. What? You'd be much better off, Lou, if you found a nice home with a loving girl and got married. Do you know where you're at? I don't. But my wife is okay. You'd be better off if you found a nice home, loving girl, and happy. Myself now. I found it out. Alright. I found mine. Have you got your place? Have you got yours? Oh, yes. Let's go. Let's go from scratch. My wife is okay. You'd be better off if you found a nice, home loving girl and got married yourself. Oh, we gave you enough time to rehearse. That's right.
I I had a home loving girl, and I had to get rid of her. Why? When I wasn't around, she was home loving some other guy. But you should go out tomorrow and meet some nice girl. I'm going out tonight. There's gonna be 26 girls at this party. I'm gonna kiss every one of them. Now that's the trouble with you. You have no manners. Now when there are 26 girls in a party, you take you talk about kissing. Every one of them, remember, one doesn't. One doesn't? No. Well, tell me which one it is, and I'll cross her off my list. Did you get it? No. I didn't get it.
They are lost where we were before. Gasteli, you should be satisfied with one girl. Don't you know one girl that you like better than the rest? Oh, but I saw one a day that I could really go for. Well, why not? You're close to her. Prose to her? Yeah. How dare you say that to me? Well, your father proposed to your mother? Yes. She was my mother, but this girl is a total stranger. But why didn't you start calling her? I did. I sent her some, orchards. Not orchards. It says here orchards. No. No. No. Not orchards. Orchids. Orchids. Orchids. Oh, sure. Probably after we're married. No. No. No.
No. No. You don't you don't you don't get the girl with orchids. You got her with orchid. Kid. Kid. Kid. Just a minute. Where am I getting all these kids? I ain't even married yet. You talk sense. I'm talking about orchids. Orchids. I raised in a nursery. Your kids might have been raised in a nursery, but our kids are gonna be raised at home. No. You don't understand. I'm talking about orchids. We have orchids at home. They're potted. Take after you. Okay? Well, hello, boy. Hey. Where did this come from, kid? It's our beautiful new secretary, Viola Vaughn.
Oh, I am glad you showed up early, Viola. Tonight, I'm gonna sing a song just for you. Well, Costello, I didn't know you sang. Oh, I got a high voice. I can hear the high u above t. High you. Fine. Thanks. High you. Pay no attention to them, Viola. Pay no attention to them. And why don't you and I have a bite of supper after the show, Well, I This is Viola. I hired you. Don't you think you should go out with me, kid? Please, missy Costello. I'll decide who I wanna go out with. That's just me. Make your own choice. I will try to help you in any shape or form. With your shape with your shape and form, nothing will help you.
Oh, that was awfully clever, Abbott. Oh, yeah. You know, Viola Abbott is practicing enough for television. Why would mister Abbott wanna be on television? It's the only way he can get in every bar in town at once. Well, Abbott, I, and I, I think we both struck out now. You tell one bit by all.
[00:11:02] Unknown:
Well, I I guess I'll have a try at it. Did did you
[00:11:10] Unknown:
I know it was too good to last.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
Well, I'll have a try at it. Did you boys know that my uncle is in the hospital? No. We all tell us what happened. My uncle was watching two men hoisting a piano into the Fifth Floor window of a hotel. He was standing underneath them yelling heave ho, heave ho. Wait wait a minute now. How how did he get into the hospital? I thought he said leave go.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Let's give this kid 6 silver dollars and a box of Snickers.
[00:11:45] Unknown:
Quiet, cousin. I think Viola has a terrific sense of humor. Oh, thank you, bud. I have another funny story. I went to the racetrack yesterday and bet on a horse that was a hundred to one. Hundred to one? That's terrific odds. Did the horse win? No. He was leading the field by 10 lengths when suddenly he jumped the rail and ran to the grandstand. What for? When he saw those three of the gods, he ran to the $2 window and put a bet on himself.
[00:12:12] Unknown:
Ladies and gentlemen, you have just listened to a joke by three unemployed people. Three unemployed people. Yeah. You, Viola, and the guy that wrote the stuff.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
And that's the halfway mark in tonight's lab race. Time for an intermission to concentrate on this.
[00:12:46] Unknown:
Yep. Before we go back to work tonight, let's hear from our blonde cutie pie, little little bitsy Virginia Maxi.
[00:12:58] Unknown:
Is east and west is west, and the wrong one I have chose. Let's go where I'll keep on where I know fruits and flowers and buttons and bows. Rings and things and buttons and bows. Don't bury me in this prairie. Take me where the steam man's from. Let's move down to some big town with a love bug gal by the color of her clothes, and I'll stand out in bucking those. I love you in bucking, a skirt that I've honed fun. But I love you longer, stronger, where your friends don't hold a gun. My boat enounced the box fort bounce and the gactus hurts my toe. Let's almost wear gals be shoes and those jokes and shadows and limitless shows, and I'm all yours in buttons and bows.
I love you in buckskin or skirts that I want fun. But I love you longer stronger where your friends don't toad a gun. My buzz enounced the buckboard bounce and the cactus hurts my toe. Let's find who swear gal keeps you the most so soon, sad and hoo, and let's show and I'm all yours in button bow. Give me eastern trim and wear women are women in high silk poses, peekaboo clothes, French perfume that rocks the room, and I'm all using buttons and
[00:14:41] Unknown:
bows.
[00:14:53] Unknown:
Alright, Viola.
[00:14:55] Unknown:
If you are so pussy, I'll take somebody else. What's the matter? Tell her. Well, I wanna take Viola Vaughn to the football game Saturday. So So I got sheets on the 50 yard line, but she said that ain't good enough for her. Well, she won't sit on the 50 yard line. No. She wants to sit in a stand. Right. No. I didn't know you were interested in football. Yeah. But football is my oh, that's my meat. I've known you a long time, Graciela, and you never went to any football game. Since well, since when has football become your meat? Since the last time I went to the butcher shop and saw the price of steak. I thought so. You know nothing about football. Don't be silly, Evan. I used to play football. The coaches, I played like a tiger. Oh, you must have been good. Nah. After all, what does a tiger know about playing football?
What position did you play on the team? Left tickle. Left tickle. Left tickle. You you mean left tackle. I mean left tickle. I used to tickle a guy who was carrying a ball and make him drop. It. Did you ever play any important team? Once our team played Notre Dame, what a rough team. I wanna put a busted nose, two cracked ribs, and a twisted ankle. Oh, that's not so tough. It could happen to any player. Well, sitting on the bench? Costello, I've been a football fan for years, and I've never heard your name mentioned in connection with any team. Oh, around Palace, New Jersey, I was famous. Paterson High School, Holt Hill. They remember me as the guy that invented the Costello hit and ball trick. Well, did your hit and ball, trick work good? Good. That was twenty years ago. Nobody's found the ball yet.
Well, you don't look like no football player to me. Football players have to be rugged and powerful and strong. Yeah. But when I played football at Coalt Hill in Paterson, New Jersey, I was powerful. All those kids were rugged. Very rugged. I can't say rugged. Just said it. Just said it. We didn't have no showers. By the end of the season, everybody said we were the strongest team in New Jersey. Nothing with the wind at our backs. Nobody could beat us. That must have been some football team. I remember our last game, man, but I was calling the second. Mildred. Maine, six six six four. Gladys, Hollywood seven nine five three.
Betty, Walnut three eight four one. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. Well, what was what was the idea of using girls, phone numbers as signals? Raddity. While the other team was writing them down, we scored 46 points. Hello, Graham. Hello, Costello. Hello, Grant. Hello, Costello. Yeah. Boy, I'll take it. You have it. What? It's one of my Sam's shovel detector fan. Boy, am I getting popular, Sam's shovel detector. Well, read it. Right. It's Leo Costello. I never miss your program. I really enjoy your portrayal of Sam's shovel, private detective. Your acting was so thrilling my hair stood on end. I'm coming over to see you tonight. Castell, is someone here to see you? Throw the man in? No, man. Just a few hairs standing on end.
Well, Castell, Sam Shovell, you're really killing the people. What case have you chosen for your Sam Shovell story tonight? Well, it's a case I worked on in the Sahara Desert. I call it the two dirty bed o' wind or it's time to change the sheets. Oh, that's an old that's an old case, Gastel. Haven't you got one more up to date? Well, my latest case. I call it the case of the telephone operator who died dancing or sorry, wrong rumba. Alright. Let's let's go on with the case. Yes. I'm Sam Schevel, private detective. It's been a slow day with the detective business.
I'm sitting here in my little office listening to my favorite radio program.
[00:18:59] Unknown:
Calling doctor Brian's surgery. Calling doctor Brian, surgery. Calling George Johnson, early and third.
[00:19:07] Unknown:
They never can find those two. There's more going on in that hospital than just operation. I turn off the radio. I listen to the wind howling on the outside. You all You are a partner? It's a southwestern wind. I decided to check up on some of my latest cases. Here's the one of the baby that was dipped. When I found him, he's wearing half a diaper. Somebody had shortchanged him. I think I'll relax. I feel like a smoke. That reminds me, I read in a paper this morning where most of the doctors who switched to camels are now back driving automobiles. A gaze out the window in the office across the street, I see Mamey the stenographer.
What a girl. I took her to dinner last night. She eats like a bird. She always orders worms. It's about time for my pal, Lieutenant Abbott, of the homicide squad to show up. Last week, when the Red Cross asked for blood donors, Lieutenant Abbott was the first to volunteer. He gave his blood the hard way. The hard way he cut his throat. Every time I think of Lieutenant Abbott, I think of his bowlegged wife. Brother, is she bowlegged? When missus Abbott sits around the house, she really sits around the house. Hello, same. I'm going to tell you that Martin, the murderous midget, is on the loose again. Martin, the murderous midget. The toughest midget in the world. Known to the police as public enemy number one half.
Yes, Sam. If I catch up with Martin, the midget, goodbye to his racket. Lieutenant Abbott ain't kidding. He's a great racket buster. He's busted 15 rackets already this year, and if you don't stop busting them at the Beverly Hills Tennis Club, they won't let them play there anymore. Sam, I got trouble with my owner. I'm thinking of divorcing my wife. Last night, I decided I I can't stand her cooking. Lieutenant Abbott, you've been married to that woman for thirty years. How come you just decided you can't stand her cooking? Until last night.
We always eat out. However, let's forget my problems. I will. Let's forget it and parley and forget your jokes too. Ma'am, how's the detective business going? Any new cases? Yes. I'm on a trail of a woman criminal. Show off, Susie. If I catch her, she'll go to the chair. I can't stand that game. She's always showing off. Last week, she started bragging again. She wanted to show everybody that her husband has brain. Can't arrest the woman for showing that her husband had brain? By shooting the top of his head off. Forget about show offs, Susie Sam. You're in hearing for some real trouble. Dora the dip escaped from prison this morning. Dora the dip. Mhmm. Most beautiful woman criminal I ever met. What a temper she had. The first time I saw her, she was beating her second husband over the head. She kept beating her second husband over the head. What was she beating him with? Her first husband.
Dora the dip, she was mad about me. It was on account that she threw her second husband over. All I had to say was, Dora, I wanna see you tonight no matter what man she was with. She'd throw him over. On account of that, they put her in jail. Oh, wait a minute. You can't put a woman in jail for throwing men over? Over the Pasadena Bridge? Sam, I heard that Dora was arrested while working as a clerk in a department store. She was jailed for taking money out of the cash register. That's a lie, lieutenant. You never took any money out of the cash register. I'm glad to hear that. I never put any money in the cash register.
[00:22:54] Unknown:
There you are, Sam's trouble.
[00:22:56] Unknown:
It was door of the difference. She looked more beautiful than ever. Sam? Yeah?
[00:23:01] Unknown:
I'm gonna kill you.
[00:23:03] Unknown:
She's only bluffing, Sam.
[00:23:05] Unknown:
You sent me to prison. You took me away from my family. Yeah. My five children by my first husband. My seven children by my second husband. She's still bluffing us, Sam. She may be bluffing, but it sounds to me like she's got a full house. Sam, on account of you, I spent ten years in prison. Ten years locked up with a thousand women. Do you know what it means to be alone for ten years with a thousand women?
[00:23:34] Unknown:
No. But I'd give anything to find out.
[00:23:43] Unknown:
Must have been terrible in prison, Dara. Lieutenant Abbott, you don't know what I went through. All day long, I had to pose with my twin sister for pictures of prison magazine ad. What did the ad see? Which twin has the crime wave? But now I'm free, Sam Shubble, and I'm gonna make you suffer as I've suffered. Sam? Yeah? Part of me died in that prison.
[00:24:08] Unknown:
Don't worry, Dora. With what you got left, you can do plenty of living. Dora, you haven't changed a bit. I thought prison would straighten you out. If they straighten her out, she could stew them for every cent they got.
[00:24:23] Unknown:
Sam Shoville, in spite of what you did to me, I'm still mad about you. You are? Yes, Sam. You're different from any man I ever met. Now you tell me the same. Okay.
[00:24:36] Unknown:
You're different from any man I've ever met.
[00:24:45] Unknown:
Sam, you sent me to prison and made a monkey out of me. Now I'm gonna get even. I'm gonna give you a kiss that'll make a monkey out of you.
[00:24:57] Unknown:
Come here.
[00:25:02] Unknown:
Sam, Sam, shovel. Speak to me. Where are you, Sam? Well, you should thank you should thank the people that do your work. I'm gonna do that right now, Ed. First, I wanna thank our writing staff headed by Eddie Foreman with Paul Collin, Pat Costello, Martin Ragaway, and Len Stern. Wait a minute. And our band leader, Maddie Melnick. You're right. And let's not forget our producer, Charles Banda. See you next Thursday night, folks. Good night, folks. Good night to everybody in Paterson. Listen.
[00:25:50] Unknown:
Each Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.
Ryan's Fun Fanatic Confession
The Biscuit Slogan Contest
Costello's Romantic Misadventures
Family Antics and Pasadena's High Class
Costello's Dream and Football Follies
Viola Vaughn's Entrance
Football Memories and Costello's Tricks
Sam Shovel's Detective Case
