In this lively episode, Ryan shares his excitement about Chumba Casino, a platform offering a variety of social casino-style games where players can enjoy free games and win cash prizes. He recounts a humorous incident on a flight where he and a fellow passenger were both engrossed in Chumba Casino games, highlighting the platform's widespread appeal and fun factor.
Meanwhile, the comedic duo of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello take center stage with their classic banter. The episode features a hilarious exchange about social etiquette, misunderstandings, and Costello's attempts to fit into high society. The comedic sketches are filled with witty wordplay and slapstick humor, showcasing the timeless charm of Abbott and Costello's performances. The episode wraps up with a whimsical dream sequence where Costello confronts his past deeds, leading to a resolution to become a better person.
(00:00) Introduction and Casino Fun
(01:01) Abbott and Costello Reunion
(07:00) Costello's Misunderstandings and Jokes
(10:28) Costello's Tragic Youth
(14:12) Costello's Dream and Realization
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. DGW report prohibited by law. See, terms and conditions 18 plus. Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chambacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chamba Casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumba casino dot com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumbacasino.com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary at each w, avoid prohibited by law, see terms and conditions 18 plus. To the Camel Show, starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
Oh, Abbott, Abbott, my own bosom friend. Hi, Abbott. Why aren't you going to say hello? Abbott, does you remember me? Lou Costello, the Walter Pigeon of Redondo Beach. Geez, could it be back together again if you only knew how I missed you, Abbott, how I've starved for the sight of you. Turn around. Let my eyes feast upon you. See, the food's bad all over, ain't it? Oh, Abbott. If you only knew how miserable I was all summer, I was sick. I had athlete's throat. I swallowed my stomach trunks. Oh, with a belt in the back too. Hey. Some nights, Abbot, I was very lonely. The nurse had to put me to bed, then she'd get lonely.
Abbot, I really did know from the bottom of my heart. All summer, I missed you. Please please say hello. Mister Costello. Mister Costello? He thinks I'm my father. Abbot. Don't you know me? Costello, I don't want any part of you. And me with so much to spare, Costello. I hate to say this, but you are a constant source of embarrassment. You're crude. You're vulgar. You pride yourself on being a bad boy. You're completely devoid of manner. You're a bore. You're at a stress to humanity. In short, you're a hopeless misfit. I agree with everything you said, but I don't think it's short.
I'm not concerned with what you think. This is not a sudden decision. I spent my entire summer contemplating. You did? I spent mine on Pomona. I'm gonna swell blonde. Forget the blonde. Forget I'd rather forget Pomona. No, Pastela. I'm through making apologies for you. For why the way you behave at Mrs. Thompson's dinner party. The idea of putting your elbows in this Well, Well, you told me to keep them off the table. And after dinner, that hide and seek game you played, for the past four months, I've been getting letters. Costello, where did you put missus Thompson?
You think I'm gonna tell and lose the game? Besides, I didn't like those society people. That scavenger hunt, they brought me back four times before I could prove I wasn't a Kwanzaa hunt. You don't belong with society people, of all things, talking about having your tonsils removed at the dinner table. I didn't bring up the subject of operation. I didn't. Missus Thompson did. You did? Yes. She told me she had her alimony cut off. Why you nitwit? Calamonia is money. That's the trouble with you, Costello. You're ignorant and uncouth. I'm what? You're uncouth. How do I get couped? You you can't get couped. There's no such word. You mean I'm trying to be certain that if there was such a thing, I couldn't be because there was no such thing as?
Now you've got it. Now I got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Fastella, I'll show you what I mean. You're standing on the corner of Sunset And Vine. You're undressed. Undressed? Yes. You have no coat, no pants, no shirt. What happened? It's South America. Take it away. I am. Oh, I'm just giving you an example. You're standing on the corner of Sunset And Vine undressed. You're uncouth. So I put on my pants and uncouth. There there there's no such word. Okay. I'll put the pants again. Hey. Look. Let's try another example.
Now you're well dressed. My horse came in? Yes. No. No. No. No. No. You're the picture of elegance. Your clothes are pressed. Mhmm. Your shoes are shined, and your hair is combed. In short, you are immaculate. You just said in shorts, I'm uncouth. No. No. No. I'm not telling you, will you please drop the shorts? Not in October. Hello? It's cold. I just told you, you were well dressed. Immaculate. Now you take your clothes off. What are you? Mac Listen. There is no such word. Cool. No such word. No. No. No. Let's try it. Hold on. Now please come up. Now let's try it once more. Now you're fully dressed. You're retired. Gotcha. Now your clothes are off. What are you? No such word. Yes. There is. What is it? Retired? No. Recred? No. Manicoot?
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You're a fine pal. Here you got me standing out on the street in my shorts. Hand me my bathrobe, Abba, quick. Why? Here come a couple of girls I know. Yeah. There you go. Always of those silly jokes. Oh, I wish my hands of the whole thing goodbye. Please, Abba. Don't wash your hands. I'll behave. Alright. Now over there over there is Skinny Ennis. Skinny. Now I sure like the way the skin is arranged. That's you're looking at Marilyn Maxwell. I still like the way the skin is arranged. Listen to me, Costello. That skinny Ennis over there. He's the band leader. What happened to Von Monroe? You know, the band leader that was on the air all summer for camels? Well, the camel people are giving him a show of his own. And we have to settle for Ennis? Listen.
Don't put it that way. Mister Ennis happens to be a gentleman of the Old South and a fine musician. What does he play? The claghorn? I that's a joke, Deborah. Thank you for talking to yourself. For that remark, my friend, you don't meet him. Oh, please, Abbott. I promise I won't embarrass you anymore. You promise me? I promise. Oh, all right. But remember, one crack out of you when it's all over. Oh, Mr. Ennis? Yes, Mr. Abbot? I want you to meet a very dear friend of mine, Lou Costello. Castello, this is Skinny Ennis. Can't believe it. What? I knew there was a meat shortage, but I didn't think it was this bad. Costello.
Oh, I forgot. Mister Ennis, what I meant to say was you don't look like you got much meat. Brother, you look like you got all of it. Oh, comedian. You think you're funny? Yes. I've become a comedian.
[00:07:29] Unknown:
When I first started telling jokes, people had faith in it. Then along came hope.
[00:07:40] Unknown:
Well, you've had faith and hope. Take it easy, brother. Next year, it might be charity. That doesn't. That Alright, Costello. I think I've made it plain. We're through. Look, Abbot. I think you're feeling a little hard on me. Maybe I am all the things you say, but it's not all my fault. It is. No. After all, I didn't have much of a home life. Mine was a tragic youth. Well, I didn't know that, Lou. As a matter of fact, I was born in a corset shop, and it was terrible. For three days, they didn't know whether I was gonna be a boy or a girdle. Now look, Costello. If you're going to kid about this remember, if you're gonna kid about this, I refuse to listen.
But I didn't get a real mother's love and care. You see? Mother worked. She was a line tamer in a circus. She I can see her now standing there in her red satin tights tights. She was Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You mean satin tights? Satan is something that looks like the devil. You should have seen my mother in those days. Hass, Delo, I I I'm deeply touched. I can see what a void there was in your life. You were left alone every night. Oh, no. I wasn't left alone, Abbot. We used to have a sitter come in. Costs us 50¢ an hour. 30 5 for her and 15¢ for my father. 15 for you. 15 for your father? Mhmm. She used to sit on his lap. Her name was Bridget. She was an Irish sitter.
And there I was, a child, all alone, 14 years old and ready for school. Priscilla, you mean you got no education until you were 14? Oh, yes. I used to watch Potter with the sitter. And then and then as it must to all men, mother lost her job. The circus closed, and for weeks, we had nothing but lines. Day after day, nothing but medium rare line burgers. And after dinner, we'd sit around the living room and growl at each other. Go ahead. Then fortune of fortune, mother got another job. She became a racetrack tout. A tout? Isn't that a rather precarious way of earning a living? Oh, yes. But there was nothing I could do to help her. I was at that in between age.
Oh, I see. I was too happy to be a jockey and too light to be a horse. Oh, what a childhood I had. Castell, I'm very sympathetic, but nevertheless, other men have overcome greater handicaps. Take one of our great presidents, Abraham Lincoln, for instance. A fine man, Adam. Indeed he was, especially when you realize that the man who grew up to be president of These United States was born and raised in a crude log cabin without any of the modern conveniences that we have today. Yeah. At times, I'm amazed that the man could endure such a hardship. But put yourself in his place, Costello. If you had a rusty glowed cabin with rain coming through the roof without plumbing or light or heat, what would you do? I'd rent it for $500 a month.
[00:11:05] Unknown:
Yes, sir. Small bonus, no pets, no other than that. Yes. I am. You're impossible.
[00:11:10] Unknown:
I'm going over and talk to Marilyn Maxwell. Hey, Adam. Really? She's gorgeous. What does she do? Oh, she's a movie star. She won her spurs at MGM. She did? Where did she get the other prizes? Hey, Abbott. Will you take me over? I will not. You expect me to introduce you to Marilyn Maxwell so you can offend her with your crudeness, so you so you can tesecrate the very air she breathes? Look. Have it. She can breathe her ear, and I'll breathe mine. There's enough to go around. Now come on. Introduce me. Absolutely not. Oh, god. It's too late for her. Here she comes.
[00:11:47] Unknown:
Good evening, bud. Oh, Marilyn.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
I'd like you to meet my friend, Luca Stella. Hello, Louis. Louis? Oh, did you hear that habit? She called me by my maiden name. Miss Maxwell?
[00:12:07] Unknown:
Yes? What makes you girls so beautiful? Well, you know what we girls are made of. Sugar and spice and everything nice.
[00:12:15] Unknown:
Mhmm. The ones I meet are garlic and hash and your father's mustache. Stella, behave yourself. I'm sorry. Miss Maxwell, will you sing a song for me? Anything you say, Lauren.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
I want you to think of me as your friend. In fact, I want to be a big sister to you.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
Alright. Never mind. Abbot, please. Enough is enough. No. Please. Please. Abbot, please listen. Nothing doing. You've insulted all my friends. Oh, go on being a bad boy, but you'll do it alone, not with me, Costello. You're incorrigible. Goodbye. Just a minute, Abbot. There's no such word. Abbot. Abbot. Oh, mister Ennis. Yes, Costello. My lifelong pal just said I was incorrigible.
[00:13:03] Unknown:
What is that? Boy, if he called you that, I don't wanna have anything to do with you. Hmph, snooty.
[00:13:09] Unknown:
If he ever loses half a time, he'll be playing second washboard with Spike Jones. Ms. Maxwell, oh, big sister.
[00:13:18] Unknown:
What is it, Louis?
[00:13:20] Unknown:
Louis, thank you. My best friend just called me incorrigible.
[00:13:25] Unknown:
What does that mean? Well, I could explain it to you, Louis, but you'll get a better definition from this dictionary. It's under IN.
[00:13:33] Unknown:
Thanks. These dictionaries, if you read one, you've read them all. Let me see now. IN, I n incinerator. I may be built like it, but I'm no incinerator. Incoherent. That's a lie. I can hear as good as anybody. A guy can fall asleep looking through all these words. In Incorrigible. Lou Costello. Lou Costello. Somebody calling me? Where am I? You are in a dream world, a land of miracles where nothing is unattainable. I'll have a fidget ear, two washing machines, and a '46 Buick.
[00:14:30] Unknown:
Hiya, Costello. Abbott, what are you doing here? Who are these guys? You'll find out. Mister Costello, we keep a record of everything good and bad you do. Here under my arm is the record of the bad things you've done. Is that what that is? Yes.
[00:14:44] Unknown:
I thought it was the Encyclopedia Britannica. And here I have a record of all the good things you've done. On the back of that postage stamp? Yes. And it's only half used.
[00:14:58] Unknown:
You're also a great problem to me, Mr. Costello. I am? Yes. I write down the bad things you do. I use those pens guaranteed never to wear out. I have to get a new one every week. Have you tried riding underwater?
[00:15:13] Unknown:
Yes, Costello, but I'm slowly getting the pen. Get a load of this habit. This guy's got the pens, and he's trying to straighten me out. Costello, please. These gentlemen are not kidding. It's very serious. Gentlemen, I think you've got me all wrong. I'm not bad.
[00:15:29] Unknown:
Really, I'm not. You're not? Then why did you tie those cans to that dog's tail? Well, what could I do? He just got married. And do you deny that on Saturday, you stuffed the cop down a sewer? I deny that. It was Saturday.
[00:15:51] Unknown:
Mister Abbott, would you get me another pen? Yes, sir. Hey. Wait a minute. How do I know you boys marked down everything in the right column? What do you mean? Well, you got denied I kept calling him out for five in the morning? Yes. Right here on the bat. Oh, no. That was good. His wife was waiting for him with a baseball bat. We'll change that. And did you mark down the night on the sunset bus I gave my lady, my lady my seat? Yes. Yes. That was good. No. That was bad. I was driving the bus. I'll make the change. See, I'd like to fill up that postage stamp. You write awfully small, don't you? Well, I'll read it. It says good deeds was born, period. Go on. I have the next twenty four years.
Abbott, don't stand there like that. You gotta help me. Say something good about me. Alright, gentlemen. I've known the defendant for years. He's really a good boy. He's done some wonderful things. I remember there's when there was a sick old man who needed taxi fares at the hospital and what does this golden hearted boy do? Why he gave that poor old sick man $3 Habit I'll never forget you. Which he stole from his poor old grandmother. Anybody wanna buy a nice clean postage stamp? I don't think it's fair to make me testify for myself. Why don't you call in some character witnesses? People who don't know me.
[00:17:07] Unknown:
Anything you wish. Name your witness. Well,
[00:17:11] Unknown:
character witnesses. That's let me see. Let me see. Joe Clark? Uh-uh. I told him to bet on the Dodgers. Uh-uh. Susie McGerk? No. Not after Tuesday night. Mhmm. Oh, I know. Skinny Ennis. He knows me. Calling Skinny Ennis.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
Calling Skinny Ennis.
[00:17:30] Unknown:
There I am, gentlemen. Who sent for me? We did, Skinny. Mister Ennis, we have called you as a character witness. What do you know about mister Costello?
[00:17:39] Unknown:
Well, Colonel Costello is an old friend of mine. I don't know what I can say except he's a man among men. Thanks, Kenny. Just don't turn him loose among women.
[00:17:50] Unknown:
Another fountain pen coming up. Hey, Abbott. Please don't let him do this to me. Will you be with me? You, Costello. You wouldn't listen to me. I told you to tell the truth or take the consequences. How do you like that? I'm in trouble, and he's playing with Ralph Edwards. I know who'll be my character with this. Miss Marilyn Maxwell. I'll call her. Calling Miss Maxwell, calling Miss Maxwell.
[00:18:14] Unknown:
Here I am.
[00:18:16] Unknown:
Look at that boys. If you don't mark that down under good, you need glasses.
[00:18:22] Unknown:
Quiet, Costello. Miss Maxwell, we've called you as a character witness for mister Costello.
[00:18:27] Unknown:
Well, all I can say is I work with mister Costello, and I know my father must like him very much because he won't let me speak to mister Costello unless he's with me.
[00:18:42] Unknown:
Ms. Maxwell, what does your father do? Well, at present, he's unemployed. Starting tomorrow, you're helping him. Next contestant? Thank you, Ms. Maxwell. You may return to the world of reality. You too, Mr. Ennis. Ennis caught the local.
[00:19:06] Unknown:
Well, fellas, I'm ready to go too. Let her blow. Not yet, mister Costello. We feel you need guidance, so I'm going to follow you. Wherever you go, I will always be with you. Whenever you're tempted to do wrong or tell a lie, I shall always be there. How will I know? You will hear my call like this.
[00:19:26] Unknown:
How was that again?
[00:19:29] Unknown:
Remember that means I will be with you day by day, week by week. Now, Costello, you may go.
[00:19:48] Unknown:
Encouraging, encourageable, encourageable, encourageable. Abbott. Abbott. I'll stop yelling. Stop yelling. Capatella. Where am I? Fell asleep in that chair. Oh, Abbott. I had the most awful dream. I met two guys who were keeping a record of my life. Who were they? Well, one kept the good records, and the other, I couldn't see him. He was writing underwater all the time. Oh, Abbott. I've had my lesson. You're so right. I'm through being bad. From now on, I'm a changed boy. I'm happy to hear that, Costello. I'm proud of you. I'm gonna make you prouder. I'll show you I'm a gentleman. Oh, miss Maxwell?
[00:20:22] Unknown:
What is it, Louis?
[00:20:23] Unknown:
May I have the pleasure of taking you home tonight?
[00:20:26] Unknown:
Well, can I be sure you're a gentleman?
[00:20:29] Unknown:
Certainly. And when we get home, we'll sit by the fire and do nothing but read poetry.
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. DGW report prohibited by law. See, terms and conditions 18 plus. Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chambacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chamba Casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumba casino dot com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumbacasino.com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary at each w, avoid prohibited by law, see terms and conditions 18 plus. To the Camel Show, starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
Oh, Abbott, Abbott, my own bosom friend. Hi, Abbott. Why aren't you going to say hello? Abbott, does you remember me? Lou Costello, the Walter Pigeon of Redondo Beach. Geez, could it be back together again if you only knew how I missed you, Abbott, how I've starved for the sight of you. Turn around. Let my eyes feast upon you. See, the food's bad all over, ain't it? Oh, Abbott. If you only knew how miserable I was all summer, I was sick. I had athlete's throat. I swallowed my stomach trunks. Oh, with a belt in the back too. Hey. Some nights, Abbot, I was very lonely. The nurse had to put me to bed, then she'd get lonely.
Abbot, I really did know from the bottom of my heart. All summer, I missed you. Please please say hello. Mister Costello. Mister Costello? He thinks I'm my father. Abbot. Don't you know me? Costello, I don't want any part of you. And me with so much to spare, Costello. I hate to say this, but you are a constant source of embarrassment. You're crude. You're vulgar. You pride yourself on being a bad boy. You're completely devoid of manner. You're a bore. You're at a stress to humanity. In short, you're a hopeless misfit. I agree with everything you said, but I don't think it's short.
I'm not concerned with what you think. This is not a sudden decision. I spent my entire summer contemplating. You did? I spent mine on Pomona. I'm gonna swell blonde. Forget the blonde. Forget I'd rather forget Pomona. No, Pastela. I'm through making apologies for you. For why the way you behave at Mrs. Thompson's dinner party. The idea of putting your elbows in this Well, Well, you told me to keep them off the table. And after dinner, that hide and seek game you played, for the past four months, I've been getting letters. Costello, where did you put missus Thompson?
You think I'm gonna tell and lose the game? Besides, I didn't like those society people. That scavenger hunt, they brought me back four times before I could prove I wasn't a Kwanzaa hunt. You don't belong with society people, of all things, talking about having your tonsils removed at the dinner table. I didn't bring up the subject of operation. I didn't. Missus Thompson did. You did? Yes. She told me she had her alimony cut off. Why you nitwit? Calamonia is money. That's the trouble with you, Costello. You're ignorant and uncouth. I'm what? You're uncouth. How do I get couped? You you can't get couped. There's no such word. You mean I'm trying to be certain that if there was such a thing, I couldn't be because there was no such thing as?
Now you've got it. Now I got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Fastella, I'll show you what I mean. You're standing on the corner of Sunset And Vine. You're undressed. Undressed? Yes. You have no coat, no pants, no shirt. What happened? It's South America. Take it away. I am. Oh, I'm just giving you an example. You're standing on the corner of Sunset And Vine undressed. You're uncouth. So I put on my pants and uncouth. There there there's no such word. Okay. I'll put the pants again. Hey. Look. Let's try another example.
Now you're well dressed. My horse came in? Yes. No. No. No. No. No. You're the picture of elegance. Your clothes are pressed. Mhmm. Your shoes are shined, and your hair is combed. In short, you are immaculate. You just said in shorts, I'm uncouth. No. No. No. I'm not telling you, will you please drop the shorts? Not in October. Hello? It's cold. I just told you, you were well dressed. Immaculate. Now you take your clothes off. What are you? Mac Listen. There is no such word. Cool. No such word. No. No. No. Let's try it. Hold on. Now please come up. Now let's try it once more. Now you're fully dressed. You're retired. Gotcha. Now your clothes are off. What are you? No such word. Yes. There is. What is it? Retired? No. Recred? No. Manicoot?
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You're a fine pal. Here you got me standing out on the street in my shorts. Hand me my bathrobe, Abba, quick. Why? Here come a couple of girls I know. Yeah. There you go. Always of those silly jokes. Oh, I wish my hands of the whole thing goodbye. Please, Abba. Don't wash your hands. I'll behave. Alright. Now over there over there is Skinny Ennis. Skinny. Now I sure like the way the skin is arranged. That's you're looking at Marilyn Maxwell. I still like the way the skin is arranged. Listen to me, Costello. That skinny Ennis over there. He's the band leader. What happened to Von Monroe? You know, the band leader that was on the air all summer for camels? Well, the camel people are giving him a show of his own. And we have to settle for Ennis? Listen.
Don't put it that way. Mister Ennis happens to be a gentleman of the Old South and a fine musician. What does he play? The claghorn? I that's a joke, Deborah. Thank you for talking to yourself. For that remark, my friend, you don't meet him. Oh, please, Abbott. I promise I won't embarrass you anymore. You promise me? I promise. Oh, all right. But remember, one crack out of you when it's all over. Oh, Mr. Ennis? Yes, Mr. Abbot? I want you to meet a very dear friend of mine, Lou Costello. Castello, this is Skinny Ennis. Can't believe it. What? I knew there was a meat shortage, but I didn't think it was this bad. Costello.
Oh, I forgot. Mister Ennis, what I meant to say was you don't look like you got much meat. Brother, you look like you got all of it. Oh, comedian. You think you're funny? Yes. I've become a comedian.
[00:07:29] Unknown:
When I first started telling jokes, people had faith in it. Then along came hope.
[00:07:40] Unknown:
Well, you've had faith and hope. Take it easy, brother. Next year, it might be charity. That doesn't. That Alright, Costello. I think I've made it plain. We're through. Look, Abbot. I think you're feeling a little hard on me. Maybe I am all the things you say, but it's not all my fault. It is. No. After all, I didn't have much of a home life. Mine was a tragic youth. Well, I didn't know that, Lou. As a matter of fact, I was born in a corset shop, and it was terrible. For three days, they didn't know whether I was gonna be a boy or a girdle. Now look, Costello. If you're going to kid about this remember, if you're gonna kid about this, I refuse to listen.
But I didn't get a real mother's love and care. You see? Mother worked. She was a line tamer in a circus. She I can see her now standing there in her red satin tights tights. She was Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You mean satin tights? Satan is something that looks like the devil. You should have seen my mother in those days. Hass, Delo, I I I'm deeply touched. I can see what a void there was in your life. You were left alone every night. Oh, no. I wasn't left alone, Abbot. We used to have a sitter come in. Costs us 50¢ an hour. 30 5 for her and 15¢ for my father. 15 for you. 15 for your father? Mhmm. She used to sit on his lap. Her name was Bridget. She was an Irish sitter.
And there I was, a child, all alone, 14 years old and ready for school. Priscilla, you mean you got no education until you were 14? Oh, yes. I used to watch Potter with the sitter. And then and then as it must to all men, mother lost her job. The circus closed, and for weeks, we had nothing but lines. Day after day, nothing but medium rare line burgers. And after dinner, we'd sit around the living room and growl at each other. Go ahead. Then fortune of fortune, mother got another job. She became a racetrack tout. A tout? Isn't that a rather precarious way of earning a living? Oh, yes. But there was nothing I could do to help her. I was at that in between age.
Oh, I see. I was too happy to be a jockey and too light to be a horse. Oh, what a childhood I had. Castell, I'm very sympathetic, but nevertheless, other men have overcome greater handicaps. Take one of our great presidents, Abraham Lincoln, for instance. A fine man, Adam. Indeed he was, especially when you realize that the man who grew up to be president of These United States was born and raised in a crude log cabin without any of the modern conveniences that we have today. Yeah. At times, I'm amazed that the man could endure such a hardship. But put yourself in his place, Costello. If you had a rusty glowed cabin with rain coming through the roof without plumbing or light or heat, what would you do? I'd rent it for $500 a month.
[00:11:05] Unknown:
Yes, sir. Small bonus, no pets, no other than that. Yes. I am. You're impossible.
[00:11:10] Unknown:
I'm going over and talk to Marilyn Maxwell. Hey, Adam. Really? She's gorgeous. What does she do? Oh, she's a movie star. She won her spurs at MGM. She did? Where did she get the other prizes? Hey, Abbott. Will you take me over? I will not. You expect me to introduce you to Marilyn Maxwell so you can offend her with your crudeness, so you so you can tesecrate the very air she breathes? Look. Have it. She can breathe her ear, and I'll breathe mine. There's enough to go around. Now come on. Introduce me. Absolutely not. Oh, god. It's too late for her. Here she comes.
[00:11:47] Unknown:
Good evening, bud. Oh, Marilyn.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
I'd like you to meet my friend, Luca Stella. Hello, Louis. Louis? Oh, did you hear that habit? She called me by my maiden name. Miss Maxwell?
[00:12:07] Unknown:
Yes? What makes you girls so beautiful? Well, you know what we girls are made of. Sugar and spice and everything nice.
[00:12:15] Unknown:
Mhmm. The ones I meet are garlic and hash and your father's mustache. Stella, behave yourself. I'm sorry. Miss Maxwell, will you sing a song for me? Anything you say, Lauren.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
I want you to think of me as your friend. In fact, I want to be a big sister to you.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
Alright. Never mind. Abbot, please. Enough is enough. No. Please. Please. Abbot, please listen. Nothing doing. You've insulted all my friends. Oh, go on being a bad boy, but you'll do it alone, not with me, Costello. You're incorrigible. Goodbye. Just a minute, Abbot. There's no such word. Abbot. Abbot. Oh, mister Ennis. Yes, Costello. My lifelong pal just said I was incorrigible.
[00:13:03] Unknown:
What is that? Boy, if he called you that, I don't wanna have anything to do with you. Hmph, snooty.
[00:13:09] Unknown:
If he ever loses half a time, he'll be playing second washboard with Spike Jones. Ms. Maxwell, oh, big sister.
[00:13:18] Unknown:
What is it, Louis?
[00:13:20] Unknown:
Louis, thank you. My best friend just called me incorrigible.
[00:13:25] Unknown:
What does that mean? Well, I could explain it to you, Louis, but you'll get a better definition from this dictionary. It's under IN.
[00:13:33] Unknown:
Thanks. These dictionaries, if you read one, you've read them all. Let me see now. IN, I n incinerator. I may be built like it, but I'm no incinerator. Incoherent. That's a lie. I can hear as good as anybody. A guy can fall asleep looking through all these words. In Incorrigible. Lou Costello. Lou Costello. Somebody calling me? Where am I? You are in a dream world, a land of miracles where nothing is unattainable. I'll have a fidget ear, two washing machines, and a '46 Buick.
[00:14:30] Unknown:
Hiya, Costello. Abbott, what are you doing here? Who are these guys? You'll find out. Mister Costello, we keep a record of everything good and bad you do. Here under my arm is the record of the bad things you've done. Is that what that is? Yes.
[00:14:44] Unknown:
I thought it was the Encyclopedia Britannica. And here I have a record of all the good things you've done. On the back of that postage stamp? Yes. And it's only half used.
[00:14:58] Unknown:
You're also a great problem to me, Mr. Costello. I am? Yes. I write down the bad things you do. I use those pens guaranteed never to wear out. I have to get a new one every week. Have you tried riding underwater?
[00:15:13] Unknown:
Yes, Costello, but I'm slowly getting the pen. Get a load of this habit. This guy's got the pens, and he's trying to straighten me out. Costello, please. These gentlemen are not kidding. It's very serious. Gentlemen, I think you've got me all wrong. I'm not bad.
[00:15:29] Unknown:
Really, I'm not. You're not? Then why did you tie those cans to that dog's tail? Well, what could I do? He just got married. And do you deny that on Saturday, you stuffed the cop down a sewer? I deny that. It was Saturday.
[00:15:51] Unknown:
Mister Abbott, would you get me another pen? Yes, sir. Hey. Wait a minute. How do I know you boys marked down everything in the right column? What do you mean? Well, you got denied I kept calling him out for five in the morning? Yes. Right here on the bat. Oh, no. That was good. His wife was waiting for him with a baseball bat. We'll change that. And did you mark down the night on the sunset bus I gave my lady, my lady my seat? Yes. Yes. That was good. No. That was bad. I was driving the bus. I'll make the change. See, I'd like to fill up that postage stamp. You write awfully small, don't you? Well, I'll read it. It says good deeds was born, period. Go on. I have the next twenty four years.
Abbott, don't stand there like that. You gotta help me. Say something good about me. Alright, gentlemen. I've known the defendant for years. He's really a good boy. He's done some wonderful things. I remember there's when there was a sick old man who needed taxi fares at the hospital and what does this golden hearted boy do? Why he gave that poor old sick man $3 Habit I'll never forget you. Which he stole from his poor old grandmother. Anybody wanna buy a nice clean postage stamp? I don't think it's fair to make me testify for myself. Why don't you call in some character witnesses? People who don't know me.
[00:17:07] Unknown:
Anything you wish. Name your witness. Well,
[00:17:11] Unknown:
character witnesses. That's let me see. Let me see. Joe Clark? Uh-uh. I told him to bet on the Dodgers. Uh-uh. Susie McGerk? No. Not after Tuesday night. Mhmm. Oh, I know. Skinny Ennis. He knows me. Calling Skinny Ennis.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
Calling Skinny Ennis.
[00:17:30] Unknown:
There I am, gentlemen. Who sent for me? We did, Skinny. Mister Ennis, we have called you as a character witness. What do you know about mister Costello?
[00:17:39] Unknown:
Well, Colonel Costello is an old friend of mine. I don't know what I can say except he's a man among men. Thanks, Kenny. Just don't turn him loose among women.
[00:17:50] Unknown:
Another fountain pen coming up. Hey, Abbott. Please don't let him do this to me. Will you be with me? You, Costello. You wouldn't listen to me. I told you to tell the truth or take the consequences. How do you like that? I'm in trouble, and he's playing with Ralph Edwards. I know who'll be my character with this. Miss Marilyn Maxwell. I'll call her. Calling Miss Maxwell, calling Miss Maxwell.
[00:18:14] Unknown:
Here I am.
[00:18:16] Unknown:
Look at that boys. If you don't mark that down under good, you need glasses.
[00:18:22] Unknown:
Quiet, Costello. Miss Maxwell, we've called you as a character witness for mister Costello.
[00:18:27] Unknown:
Well, all I can say is I work with mister Costello, and I know my father must like him very much because he won't let me speak to mister Costello unless he's with me.
[00:18:42] Unknown:
Ms. Maxwell, what does your father do? Well, at present, he's unemployed. Starting tomorrow, you're helping him. Next contestant? Thank you, Ms. Maxwell. You may return to the world of reality. You too, Mr. Ennis. Ennis caught the local.
[00:19:06] Unknown:
Well, fellas, I'm ready to go too. Let her blow. Not yet, mister Costello. We feel you need guidance, so I'm going to follow you. Wherever you go, I will always be with you. Whenever you're tempted to do wrong or tell a lie, I shall always be there. How will I know? You will hear my call like this.
[00:19:26] Unknown:
How was that again?
[00:19:29] Unknown:
Remember that means I will be with you day by day, week by week. Now, Costello, you may go.
[00:19:48] Unknown:
Encouraging, encourageable, encourageable, encourageable. Abbott. Abbott. I'll stop yelling. Stop yelling. Capatella. Where am I? Fell asleep in that chair. Oh, Abbott. I had the most awful dream. I met two guys who were keeping a record of my life. Who were they? Well, one kept the good records, and the other, I couldn't see him. He was writing underwater all the time. Oh, Abbott. I've had my lesson. You're so right. I'm through being bad. From now on, I'm a changed boy. I'm happy to hear that, Costello. I'm proud of you. I'm gonna make you prouder. I'll show you I'm a gentleman. Oh, miss Maxwell?
[00:20:22] Unknown:
What is it, Louis?
[00:20:23] Unknown:
May I have the pleasure of taking you home tonight?
[00:20:26] Unknown:
Well, can I be sure you're a gentleman?
[00:20:29] Unknown:
Certainly. And when we get home, we'll sit by the fire and do nothing but read poetry.
