In this lively and comedic episode, Ryan introduces listeners to the world of Chumba Casino, a platform offering a variety of social casino-style games that can be played for free, anytime and anywhere. With daily bonuses and the chance to win cash prizes, Ryan highlights how Chumba Casino can add a bright spot to anyone's day, especially when dealing with mundane tasks like sitting in traffic or doing the dishes. The episode takes a humorous turn with a skit featuring characters Costello and Abbott, where they engage in a series of comedic exchanges about colds, sneezes, and the absurdities of everyday life.
The skit continues with Costello's antics as he deals with a cold, leading to a series of misunderstandings and humorous dialogues about germs, exercise, and health. The episode also features a visit to a sanitarium run by the eccentric Peter Lorre, where Costello's fear and paranoia are played for laughs. The comedic timing and witty banter between the characters provide a delightful escape from reality, making this episode a must-listen for fans of classic comedy and light-hearted entertainment.
(00:00) Introduction and Casino Fun
(01:05) Costello's Misadventures
(03:03) The Cold and Sneezing Dilemma
(05:50) The Flu and Fleeing Wordplay
(09:04) Meeting Hercules and Strength Demonstrations
(11:04) Peter Lorre's Sanitarium Invitation
(13:38) Journey to the Sanitarium
(16:17) Inside the Sanitarium
(19:19) The Operating Table Predicament
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com. No purchase necessary. DGW. Point prohibited by law. See, terms and conditions, 18 plus. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Costello, where have you been? Look at you. Your clothes are dripping wet. There's water running out of your shoes. What happened to you? Oh, I stopped to get a drink at the faucet outside the street. Faucet? Yeah. Dummy, that's no faucet. That's a fire hydrant. Fire hydrant? Yes. No wonder I went halfway to Pomona by gutter. G g g. Three g's. I gotta get these wet clothes off because
[00:01:30] Unknown:
No. No. No. No.
[00:01:32] Unknown:
Please. How many times have I told you when you sneeze, sneeze the other way? I don't know any other way. Okay. Please talk sense, will you? Do you realize you've probably caught a cold? Do you want the germs to spread? Oh, I will let them spread. How can you keep germs from spreading? I'll make them wear a girdle. Oh, now that's ridiculous. You've got a cold in your head. How are you going to keep that cold in your head from going down into your chest? I'll tie a knot in my neck.
[00:02:01] Unknown:
Yeah. But what are you talking about? You're not so healthy. Oh, I'll have you know my friend that I keep regular hours. Every night I go to bed with a chicken. How do you all get that little coop?
[00:02:11] Unknown:
No. No. I'm trying to tell you that I go to bed early, and I'm up at the crack of dawn. Then I go out and chop wood for breakfast. Chop wood for breakfast? How can you eat that stuff? Listen, Costello. I chop wood for exercise. Exercise. For example, every morning, I jump out of bed and crawl around the room on all fours. You crawl around all fours? Yes. That's the athlete in me. Athlete. That's the monkey in you, brother. Oh, hey. Here's Ken Niles. Say, I'm glad you dropped in, Ken. Take a look at Costello. He doesn't feel very well. Oh, just let some of the air out of his head. He'll be alright. And you got a lot of niles. You got a lot of nerve there, Niles. I mean, talking like that with with such a swell headed like you got. Oh, I'll have you know I'm not swell headed. Oh, yeah? You're the only guy I know who gets the mumps above the ears.
Now take it easy, Costello. You're a sick man. Who's a sick man? I'm alright. I just gotta listen a little bit
[00:03:10] Unknown:
Good heavens, bud. Did you hear Costello sneeze? What's wrong with the way a little the way I sneeze? With a little thing like that, what's wrong with it? What's wrong with it? Well, if you have to sneeze, why don't you sneeze with your mouth closed? I tried that once. It blew out three of my teeth. Now wait a minute, Costello. Your sneezing is dangerous. I can catch your cold, then go home and my beautiful wife will get it in her lovely throat. Her lovely throat? Yes, Godzilla. Missus Niles has a neck like a swan. Yes. And she's got webbed feet to match.
[00:03:40] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that remark. And, mister Godzilla, you might be interested in knowing that all my friends think I have perfect features. Is that your nose, or are you looking through a periscope?
[00:03:51] Unknown:
Oh, stop that. Don't pay any attention to Costello, missus Niles. You see, he's got a cold, and we're trying to help him. Well, you know the old saying, starve a cold. Now the first thing to do is to put him on a diet. No carbohydrates,
[00:04:03] Unknown:
no liquids, and no solid. You think you can stick to that diet, Costello? Sure. Then what? Then Kenneth and I'll sprate frituration rolls. Oh, nice noise.
[00:04:15] Unknown:
I heard you the first time. You're gonna sprate it.
[00:04:18] Unknown:
It was almost a wonderful joke, Pucci.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Oh, don't say that, darling. You're my Pucci. No. No. You're my Pucci. No. No. You're my Pucci. It's just a dog catcher in the house. What are you waiting for? Come, Kenneth. And as for you, Costello, I hope your cold is nothing trivial.
[00:04:43] Unknown:
Well, I don't blame them for going out. The only way to avoid the flu is to flee. What's that? I mean, you've got to flee flu. Gotta flee flu. What kind of fuck is that? I'm trying to tell you the only way to be free from flu is to flee when flu flies. When there's flu, everybody flees. Did you say please? Certainly. I flee. You flee. He flees. She flees. What I got? A cold or a flea circuit? You don't understand. To avoid the flu, you've got to flee. I gotta flee. Get them off of me then. Get them off. By the way, please. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I don't I don't mean fleas like bugs. I mean fleas like flies.
Oh, let the fleas like flies. I don't wanna break up no romance. Uh-huh. Look. It has nothing to do with fleas and flies. I'm trying to tell you to avoid the flu, you must flee. The only way to be free from flu is to flee when flu flies. Oh, you mean that to be free from flu, I gotta flee when flu flies. And the fleas and flies have got nothing to do with the flu. No. You've got it. No. I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, let me put it this way. You're in the house. You open the window, and a cold germ comes in. A cold germ comes in? Yes. What would you do? I'd give him a cup of hot tea. Who wants a sugar and germ? Now that's crazy. This cold germ attacks you and immediately starts to germinate.
Before you know it, you've got a lot of nasty germs rushing through your system. According to my system, the Russians are rushing through the Nazi Germans. Well, that's true, Costello, but I am talking about flu germs. Do you realize that germs travel with the speed of light? Now one little sneeze What? There you are. There you are. The germs are off. They're already they've already traveled from California to Maine. They are now crossing the Atlantic. I didn't even say goodbye to them. Estelle, right now, at this very minute, someone in Europe is catching your call. Hello?
Well, I sure fixed that out. What do you mean? He's just sneezing now. The coffin will come later.
[00:07:16] Unknown:
Hey, Adam. Hey, Adam. What's man? Listen, Evan. I I'm telling you, I really, I haven't got the flu. Now get me out of this bed. Now come on. Get me out.
[00:07:24] Unknown:
Now stop that screaming, Costello. You want me, just pull that cord by the bed. Oh, I did. What happened? My pajamas fell down. However, if I have to stay in bed, why don't you give me some attention? What are you talking about? Didn't I didn't I put some cracked ice on your head? Yeah. But you didn't have to wait till you got the ice on my head before you cracked it. However, for the last time, I'm telling you, what am I I doing in bed? Well, it's, part of the health building course I got from professor Hercules. Starting tomorrow morning, you're going to get out of bed at 05:00. Then at 05:10 Back in bed. No. No. No. At 05:10, you jump into a nice cold shower. And I whistle. Hey. You don't whistle. I gotta whistle. Why? Well, there's no lock on a bathroom door.
Look. Look. Pay attention. At 05:10, you jump into the shower. Can't you just feel the ice cold water running down your back? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Stop that. Stop that. Stop it. Then at 05:20 Back in Denver? What about? Listen. At 05:20, you take a bouncing horseback ride. 05:40. Back in bed, face down. Then at 06:00, an hour of razzling. 07:00, two hours of handball. 09:00, you walk 30 miles with a heavy pack on your back. And twelve to one, you climb a mountain. 12 to one, I don't make it. Oh, you idiot.
You never listen to me. Just wait till you see Hercules. Exercise has given him bulging biceps, rippling muscle, a massive chest. He's the strongest man in the world, the mighty Hercules. Come in.
[00:09:06] Unknown:
I am the mighty Hercules. Honest, I am. Honest.
[00:09:14] Unknown:
See, Costello? Take a look at Hercules. Get a load of that muscle. What muscle? The last time I saw a muscle like that was on a sparrow's ankle. You know, I could talk his head and use a propoque cue. Costello. Well, he reminds me of a radio program I heard. One man's famine.
[00:09:31] Unknown:
Mister Costello, as I analyze your case, my treatment for you should not be pissed off. Let me show you what my course can do for you. Hand me the telephone book, and I will hear it. Are you ready? And now the second pay.
[00:09:56] Unknown:
Hello, Hercules. What's so great about that? I can bring bars with my bare hands. Iron bars? No. Hershey bars.
[00:10:03] Unknown:
And I'll do it the hard way with nuts.
[00:10:08] Unknown:
Costello, now don't be silly. You're talking to the mighty Hercules. Yeah, mister Costello. I'm a master muscle. You're a mess of something, brother. And while I'm on a subject, you ain't seen nothing yet. Just feel lime muscle. Where is it? All I can feel is one little core puzzle. Yeah. But ain't it got a hard head?
[00:10:27] Unknown:
Oh, this is ridiculous. Professor, why don't you give Costello a demonstration of your strength? Very well. Mister Costello, I'm going to let you squeeze my hand as hard as you like. Go ahead. Squeeze my hand. Okay.
[00:10:39] Unknown:
You asked for it.
[00:10:42] Unknown:
Gee. Thanks, Mr. Costello. Thanks for what? My transport will never accept me now.
[00:11:05] Unknown:
Good evening, gentlemen. I'm Peter Lohrey. For Mr. Costello, I've come here to offer you the services of my sanitarium. I understand your health is run down. Now wait a minute, Laurie. Who told you all this? Oh, no. But you see, I get messages through my brain. My mind is like an open door.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
What do you hear from the knob? Quiet, Costello. Let me handle this. Mister Lawrie, you say you have a, private sanitarium? Oh, yes. And it's just a place for mister Costello.
[00:11:48] Unknown:
It is out in the woods in a very lonely spot where you can get away from it all far, far away.
[00:11:58] Unknown:
I don't wanna get that far away.
[00:12:02] Unknown:
Get me
[00:12:16] Unknown:
But please, mister Costello, you're scaring me.
[00:12:20] Unknown:
I'm scaring you.
[00:12:23] Unknown:
Costello, there's no sense in shouting. That's right, mister Costello.
[00:12:27] Unknown:
Let us speak low. I don't wanna speak low. I always talk loud. Hooray. Happy New Year. Tell them not, everybody.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
Here's some John Charles Thomas.
[00:12:57] Unknown:
That's enough. That's enough. They they like it. Yeah. Never mind.
[00:13:01] Unknown:
Look. Pay pay no attention to it. This breaks to the tree. Never mind. Pay no attention to it, mister Lawrie. I'll bring Costello out to your sanitarium
[00:13:11] Unknown:
tonight. Oh, yes, please. And at midnight, I hope, when the moon is down. No. Tomorrow, when you send us up. Where? When do you like, brother? That's alright. We're gonna turn on a searchlight. Costello, you're acting like an idiot. Yes, mister Costello. I have had thousands of patients at my sanitarium, and I've never had one of them complain. You know what that proves, don't you? Yes, sir. That meant tell no tales.
[00:13:39] Unknown:
And now back to heaven and Costello who are en route to Peter Lorre's sanitarium. The time is midnight.
[00:13:59] Unknown:
Well, Costello. We'll be at Piedel Ory Cemetery in a minute. He's a great doctor, Costello. He'll see that you get some rest in peace. That's what bothers me. I don't wanna rest in peace. Quiet. Listen. A friend of mine was just about to die, and doctor Lohrey pulled him over the hump. Which way? Well, here it is. Peter Lorre Sanitarium. Thirteen thirteen Gravesend Road. What an address. Look at the sign on the gate. Deliver all bodies in the rear. Alright. Now stop complaining. Look how quiet and peaceful it is out here. That's the first Robin I've heard this spring.
Oh, shut up. Quite apart, wasn't it? You know, Lou, this is the kind of a place I've always wanted to visit. Look at that green stuff clinging to the gate. That green stuff clinging to the gate is me. Now don't be such a coward. Go ahead up to the door and knock. Oh, so you think I'm a coward, Okay. Yeah. But I'll prove you that I'm I'll prove you I'm a hero. I'll be brave. I'll show you what I'm made of. I'll knock on the door. I'll go in there. But before I do, there's just one thing I want you to do for me. What's that? Fuck me out of it. None of that. Go ahead. Knock on the door. Don't be afraid. What? Peter Lorre may not even be at home. He's home alright. How do you know? I see a straight jacket hanging on the line.
Priscilla, once and for all, will you please knock on the door? Okay. All
[00:15:42] Unknown:
right. How do you do, gentlemen? Did you ring?
[00:15:47] Unknown:
No. I knocked.
[00:15:53] Unknown:
I thought I heard you whistle.
[00:16:00] Unknown:
Let me have your hat, please.
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Don't you want the coat too? No. Just the hat. Just the hat?
[00:16:07] Unknown:
Who are you? I'm a skull. I'm just going out for a walk.
[00:16:14] Unknown:
Come on. But that's all. Let's get out of here.
[00:16:18] Unknown:
Squire. Here comes Peter Lorre.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
Good evening, gentlemen. Welcome to my sanitarium. Now come, mister Castello. Let me take you over here. Close to the fire. Come on. No pushing, Loring. Quit shoving. Hey, Abba. Help me now. Come on. I'll see you. We're Castello. The guy's pushing the fire. No. Nothing, other guy. What's the matter with you? Yes. I mean, you no harm. It's cold out tonight. You must be killed.
[00:16:39] Unknown:
I mean, surely. I heard you the first time, Claudette.
[00:16:43] Unknown:
Get what I'm calling you, brother.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
Please please do not excite yourself, mister Costello. All I want you to do is to take a pill. I'm not taking no pill. I'm taking a powder now.
[00:16:55] Unknown:
Come on. Have a Wait a minute, Costello.
[00:16:57] Unknown:
If you wanna hear your call, you've got to listen to doctor Lohrey. Have a I'm not sick. All I did was let out a little little oh, a sneeze. You you see? You must not minimize your illness. Here, take this little blue pill. I ain't taking no pill. You're the man. Take the blue pill. Oh, you always went out. Okay. Oh, look. Good. Now take this red pill. What's the red pill for? Oh, that's in case the blue pill was poisoned.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Get away with those pills, mister Laurie, will you? Just a minute. Be calm. I don't want to relax. I want to jump. Come on, everybody. Get up. Let's dance. Come on. I don't do that. That's right. I'll leave you with this guy. You see, doctor? You see, doctor? Sounds like I'm alone.
[00:17:51] Unknown:
See, doctor, I told you that Costello is in bad shape. What he really needs is some exercise. Oh, splendid.
[00:17:57] Unknown:
Let's go out and play some golf. Go? At midnight? Oh, yes. Oh, last night, I played a fine game with my friend, Frankenstein.
[00:18:05] Unknown:
Now there's a Gruesome Tossum.
[00:18:09] Unknown:
Oh, it was a very interesting game. Frankenstein made a hole in one, so I buried a minute. You know, I I play a very hot game. Hot game?
[00:18:22] Unknown:
You probably play in the Lower Hades. Lower Hades. Oh, doctor. Excuse me, please. That's one of my patients. Oh, doctor.
[00:18:34] Unknown:
I just killed my keeper. Yeah. Yeah. I just killed my keeper. Well, my friends, why did you kill him? He killed me first.
[00:18:43] Unknown:
Hey, Abbot. Now that guy was a kid. Now there's a body behind the couch.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
Is he dead? I can't tell. His head is missing.
[00:18:50] Unknown:
Say, Castello, look. The body is getting up. Abbot,
[00:18:55] Unknown:
he's coming towards me. Listen, mister.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
You're dead, ain't you? Yes. I am dead. Then why aren't you laying down? If you must know, the floor is too cold. That's the last straw. I'm getting out of here. Stop worrying. There's nothing wrong with this place. What was that? 01:00. Let's go.
[00:19:20] Unknown:
Mister Costello, I think you're running a temperature. I must call my assistant. Who's your assistant? Dracula? Oh, no. No. I'm mad at him. I call him stealing from my blood bank.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Doctor. Lohrey, the operating table is all ready. What? What operating table? You ain't operating on me. I'm not hungry. You're not hungry. Don't hurt me. I don't want any cold cuts. Oh, I
[00:19:41] Unknown:
must
[00:19:42] Unknown:
I must insist, mister Costello. My diagnosis shows that the sneeze caused your cold, which caused poison to run through your system. This has affected your appendix, and your appendix must come out. Bring on the operating table, boys.
[00:19:57] Unknown:
The first guy that touches me gets a fat lip.
[00:20:03] Unknown:
Now that's no way to talk. You must follow your doctor's advice if you ever expect to get well. Okay then. Laurie, I'll let you take out my appendix on one condition. Good. What's the condition? You gotta take it out from the back. From the back? From the back. That's right. But why? Because I got a battleship tattooed on my stomach. And he is liable to sink it. Okay.
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com. No purchase necessary. DGW. Point prohibited by law. See, terms and conditions, 18 plus. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Costello, where have you been? Look at you. Your clothes are dripping wet. There's water running out of your shoes. What happened to you? Oh, I stopped to get a drink at the faucet outside the street. Faucet? Yeah. Dummy, that's no faucet. That's a fire hydrant. Fire hydrant? Yes. No wonder I went halfway to Pomona by gutter. G g g. Three g's. I gotta get these wet clothes off because
[00:01:30] Unknown:
No. No. No. No.
[00:01:32] Unknown:
Please. How many times have I told you when you sneeze, sneeze the other way? I don't know any other way. Okay. Please talk sense, will you? Do you realize you've probably caught a cold? Do you want the germs to spread? Oh, I will let them spread. How can you keep germs from spreading? I'll make them wear a girdle. Oh, now that's ridiculous. You've got a cold in your head. How are you going to keep that cold in your head from going down into your chest? I'll tie a knot in my neck.
[00:02:01] Unknown:
Yeah. But what are you talking about? You're not so healthy. Oh, I'll have you know my friend that I keep regular hours. Every night I go to bed with a chicken. How do you all get that little coop?
[00:02:11] Unknown:
No. No. I'm trying to tell you that I go to bed early, and I'm up at the crack of dawn. Then I go out and chop wood for breakfast. Chop wood for breakfast? How can you eat that stuff? Listen, Costello. I chop wood for exercise. Exercise. For example, every morning, I jump out of bed and crawl around the room on all fours. You crawl around all fours? Yes. That's the athlete in me. Athlete. That's the monkey in you, brother. Oh, hey. Here's Ken Niles. Say, I'm glad you dropped in, Ken. Take a look at Costello. He doesn't feel very well. Oh, just let some of the air out of his head. He'll be alright. And you got a lot of niles. You got a lot of nerve there, Niles. I mean, talking like that with with such a swell headed like you got. Oh, I'll have you know I'm not swell headed. Oh, yeah? You're the only guy I know who gets the mumps above the ears.
Now take it easy, Costello. You're a sick man. Who's a sick man? I'm alright. I just gotta listen a little bit
[00:03:10] Unknown:
Good heavens, bud. Did you hear Costello sneeze? What's wrong with the way a little the way I sneeze? With a little thing like that, what's wrong with it? What's wrong with it? Well, if you have to sneeze, why don't you sneeze with your mouth closed? I tried that once. It blew out three of my teeth. Now wait a minute, Costello. Your sneezing is dangerous. I can catch your cold, then go home and my beautiful wife will get it in her lovely throat. Her lovely throat? Yes, Godzilla. Missus Niles has a neck like a swan. Yes. And she's got webbed feet to match.
[00:03:40] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that remark. And, mister Godzilla, you might be interested in knowing that all my friends think I have perfect features. Is that your nose, or are you looking through a periscope?
[00:03:51] Unknown:
Oh, stop that. Don't pay any attention to Costello, missus Niles. You see, he's got a cold, and we're trying to help him. Well, you know the old saying, starve a cold. Now the first thing to do is to put him on a diet. No carbohydrates,
[00:04:03] Unknown:
no liquids, and no solid. You think you can stick to that diet, Costello? Sure. Then what? Then Kenneth and I'll sprate frituration rolls. Oh, nice noise.
[00:04:15] Unknown:
I heard you the first time. You're gonna sprate it.
[00:04:18] Unknown:
It was almost a wonderful joke, Pucci.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Oh, don't say that, darling. You're my Pucci. No. No. You're my Pucci. No. No. You're my Pucci. It's just a dog catcher in the house. What are you waiting for? Come, Kenneth. And as for you, Costello, I hope your cold is nothing trivial.
[00:04:43] Unknown:
Well, I don't blame them for going out. The only way to avoid the flu is to flee. What's that? I mean, you've got to flee flu. Gotta flee flu. What kind of fuck is that? I'm trying to tell you the only way to be free from flu is to flee when flu flies. When there's flu, everybody flees. Did you say please? Certainly. I flee. You flee. He flees. She flees. What I got? A cold or a flea circuit? You don't understand. To avoid the flu, you've got to flee. I gotta flee. Get them off of me then. Get them off. By the way, please. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I don't I don't mean fleas like bugs. I mean fleas like flies.
Oh, let the fleas like flies. I don't wanna break up no romance. Uh-huh. Look. It has nothing to do with fleas and flies. I'm trying to tell you to avoid the flu, you must flee. The only way to be free from flu is to flee when flu flies. Oh, you mean that to be free from flu, I gotta flee when flu flies. And the fleas and flies have got nothing to do with the flu. No. You've got it. No. I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, let me put it this way. You're in the house. You open the window, and a cold germ comes in. A cold germ comes in? Yes. What would you do? I'd give him a cup of hot tea. Who wants a sugar and germ? Now that's crazy. This cold germ attacks you and immediately starts to germinate.
Before you know it, you've got a lot of nasty germs rushing through your system. According to my system, the Russians are rushing through the Nazi Germans. Well, that's true, Costello, but I am talking about flu germs. Do you realize that germs travel with the speed of light? Now one little sneeze What? There you are. There you are. The germs are off. They're already they've already traveled from California to Maine. They are now crossing the Atlantic. I didn't even say goodbye to them. Estelle, right now, at this very minute, someone in Europe is catching your call. Hello?
Well, I sure fixed that out. What do you mean? He's just sneezing now. The coffin will come later.
[00:07:16] Unknown:
Hey, Adam. Hey, Adam. What's man? Listen, Evan. I I'm telling you, I really, I haven't got the flu. Now get me out of this bed. Now come on. Get me out.
[00:07:24] Unknown:
Now stop that screaming, Costello. You want me, just pull that cord by the bed. Oh, I did. What happened? My pajamas fell down. However, if I have to stay in bed, why don't you give me some attention? What are you talking about? Didn't I didn't I put some cracked ice on your head? Yeah. But you didn't have to wait till you got the ice on my head before you cracked it. However, for the last time, I'm telling you, what am I I doing in bed? Well, it's, part of the health building course I got from professor Hercules. Starting tomorrow morning, you're going to get out of bed at 05:00. Then at 05:10 Back in bed. No. No. No. At 05:10, you jump into a nice cold shower. And I whistle. Hey. You don't whistle. I gotta whistle. Why? Well, there's no lock on a bathroom door.
Look. Look. Pay attention. At 05:10, you jump into the shower. Can't you just feel the ice cold water running down your back? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Stop that. Stop that. Stop it. Then at 05:20 Back in Denver? What about? Listen. At 05:20, you take a bouncing horseback ride. 05:40. Back in bed, face down. Then at 06:00, an hour of razzling. 07:00, two hours of handball. 09:00, you walk 30 miles with a heavy pack on your back. And twelve to one, you climb a mountain. 12 to one, I don't make it. Oh, you idiot.
You never listen to me. Just wait till you see Hercules. Exercise has given him bulging biceps, rippling muscle, a massive chest. He's the strongest man in the world, the mighty Hercules. Come in.
[00:09:06] Unknown:
I am the mighty Hercules. Honest, I am. Honest.
[00:09:14] Unknown:
See, Costello? Take a look at Hercules. Get a load of that muscle. What muscle? The last time I saw a muscle like that was on a sparrow's ankle. You know, I could talk his head and use a propoque cue. Costello. Well, he reminds me of a radio program I heard. One man's famine.
[00:09:31] Unknown:
Mister Costello, as I analyze your case, my treatment for you should not be pissed off. Let me show you what my course can do for you. Hand me the telephone book, and I will hear it. Are you ready? And now the second pay.
[00:09:56] Unknown:
Hello, Hercules. What's so great about that? I can bring bars with my bare hands. Iron bars? No. Hershey bars.
[00:10:03] Unknown:
And I'll do it the hard way with nuts.
[00:10:08] Unknown:
Costello, now don't be silly. You're talking to the mighty Hercules. Yeah, mister Costello. I'm a master muscle. You're a mess of something, brother. And while I'm on a subject, you ain't seen nothing yet. Just feel lime muscle. Where is it? All I can feel is one little core puzzle. Yeah. But ain't it got a hard head?
[00:10:27] Unknown:
Oh, this is ridiculous. Professor, why don't you give Costello a demonstration of your strength? Very well. Mister Costello, I'm going to let you squeeze my hand as hard as you like. Go ahead. Squeeze my hand. Okay.
[00:10:39] Unknown:
You asked for it.
[00:10:42] Unknown:
Gee. Thanks, Mr. Costello. Thanks for what? My transport will never accept me now.
[00:11:05] Unknown:
Good evening, gentlemen. I'm Peter Lohrey. For Mr. Costello, I've come here to offer you the services of my sanitarium. I understand your health is run down. Now wait a minute, Laurie. Who told you all this? Oh, no. But you see, I get messages through my brain. My mind is like an open door.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
What do you hear from the knob? Quiet, Costello. Let me handle this. Mister Lawrie, you say you have a, private sanitarium? Oh, yes. And it's just a place for mister Costello.
[00:11:48] Unknown:
It is out in the woods in a very lonely spot where you can get away from it all far, far away.
[00:11:58] Unknown:
I don't wanna get that far away.
[00:12:02] Unknown:
Get me
[00:12:16] Unknown:
But please, mister Costello, you're scaring me.
[00:12:20] Unknown:
I'm scaring you.
[00:12:23] Unknown:
Costello, there's no sense in shouting. That's right, mister Costello.
[00:12:27] Unknown:
Let us speak low. I don't wanna speak low. I always talk loud. Hooray. Happy New Year. Tell them not, everybody.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
Here's some John Charles Thomas.
[00:12:57] Unknown:
That's enough. That's enough. They they like it. Yeah. Never mind.
[00:13:01] Unknown:
Look. Pay pay no attention to it. This breaks to the tree. Never mind. Pay no attention to it, mister Lawrie. I'll bring Costello out to your sanitarium
[00:13:11] Unknown:
tonight. Oh, yes, please. And at midnight, I hope, when the moon is down. No. Tomorrow, when you send us up. Where? When do you like, brother? That's alright. We're gonna turn on a searchlight. Costello, you're acting like an idiot. Yes, mister Costello. I have had thousands of patients at my sanitarium, and I've never had one of them complain. You know what that proves, don't you? Yes, sir. That meant tell no tales.
[00:13:39] Unknown:
And now back to heaven and Costello who are en route to Peter Lorre's sanitarium. The time is midnight.
[00:13:59] Unknown:
Well, Costello. We'll be at Piedel Ory Cemetery in a minute. He's a great doctor, Costello. He'll see that you get some rest in peace. That's what bothers me. I don't wanna rest in peace. Quiet. Listen. A friend of mine was just about to die, and doctor Lohrey pulled him over the hump. Which way? Well, here it is. Peter Lorre Sanitarium. Thirteen thirteen Gravesend Road. What an address. Look at the sign on the gate. Deliver all bodies in the rear. Alright. Now stop complaining. Look how quiet and peaceful it is out here. That's the first Robin I've heard this spring.
Oh, shut up. Quite apart, wasn't it? You know, Lou, this is the kind of a place I've always wanted to visit. Look at that green stuff clinging to the gate. That green stuff clinging to the gate is me. Now don't be such a coward. Go ahead up to the door and knock. Oh, so you think I'm a coward, Okay. Yeah. But I'll prove you that I'm I'll prove you I'm a hero. I'll be brave. I'll show you what I'm made of. I'll knock on the door. I'll go in there. But before I do, there's just one thing I want you to do for me. What's that? Fuck me out of it. None of that. Go ahead. Knock on the door. Don't be afraid. What? Peter Lorre may not even be at home. He's home alright. How do you know? I see a straight jacket hanging on the line.
Priscilla, once and for all, will you please knock on the door? Okay. All
[00:15:42] Unknown:
right. How do you do, gentlemen? Did you ring?
[00:15:47] Unknown:
No. I knocked.
[00:15:53] Unknown:
I thought I heard you whistle.
[00:16:00] Unknown:
Let me have your hat, please.
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Don't you want the coat too? No. Just the hat. Just the hat?
[00:16:07] Unknown:
Who are you? I'm a skull. I'm just going out for a walk.
[00:16:14] Unknown:
Come on. But that's all. Let's get out of here.
[00:16:18] Unknown:
Squire. Here comes Peter Lorre.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
Good evening, gentlemen. Welcome to my sanitarium. Now come, mister Castello. Let me take you over here. Close to the fire. Come on. No pushing, Loring. Quit shoving. Hey, Abba. Help me now. Come on. I'll see you. We're Castello. The guy's pushing the fire. No. Nothing, other guy. What's the matter with you? Yes. I mean, you no harm. It's cold out tonight. You must be killed.
[00:16:39] Unknown:
I mean, surely. I heard you the first time, Claudette.
[00:16:43] Unknown:
Get what I'm calling you, brother.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
Please please do not excite yourself, mister Costello. All I want you to do is to take a pill. I'm not taking no pill. I'm taking a powder now.
[00:16:55] Unknown:
Come on. Have a Wait a minute, Costello.
[00:16:57] Unknown:
If you wanna hear your call, you've got to listen to doctor Lohrey. Have a I'm not sick. All I did was let out a little little oh, a sneeze. You you see? You must not minimize your illness. Here, take this little blue pill. I ain't taking no pill. You're the man. Take the blue pill. Oh, you always went out. Okay. Oh, look. Good. Now take this red pill. What's the red pill for? Oh, that's in case the blue pill was poisoned.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Get away with those pills, mister Laurie, will you? Just a minute. Be calm. I don't want to relax. I want to jump. Come on, everybody. Get up. Let's dance. Come on. I don't do that. That's right. I'll leave you with this guy. You see, doctor? You see, doctor? Sounds like I'm alone.
[00:17:51] Unknown:
See, doctor, I told you that Costello is in bad shape. What he really needs is some exercise. Oh, splendid.
[00:17:57] Unknown:
Let's go out and play some golf. Go? At midnight? Oh, yes. Oh, last night, I played a fine game with my friend, Frankenstein.
[00:18:05] Unknown:
Now there's a Gruesome Tossum.
[00:18:09] Unknown:
Oh, it was a very interesting game. Frankenstein made a hole in one, so I buried a minute. You know, I I play a very hot game. Hot game?
[00:18:22] Unknown:
You probably play in the Lower Hades. Lower Hades. Oh, doctor. Excuse me, please. That's one of my patients. Oh, doctor.
[00:18:34] Unknown:
I just killed my keeper. Yeah. Yeah. I just killed my keeper. Well, my friends, why did you kill him? He killed me first.
[00:18:43] Unknown:
Hey, Abbot. Now that guy was a kid. Now there's a body behind the couch.
[00:18:46] Unknown:
Is he dead? I can't tell. His head is missing.
[00:18:50] Unknown:
Say, Castello, look. The body is getting up. Abbot,
[00:18:55] Unknown:
he's coming towards me. Listen, mister.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
You're dead, ain't you? Yes. I am dead. Then why aren't you laying down? If you must know, the floor is too cold. That's the last straw. I'm getting out of here. Stop worrying. There's nothing wrong with this place. What was that? 01:00. Let's go.
[00:19:20] Unknown:
Mister Costello, I think you're running a temperature. I must call my assistant. Who's your assistant? Dracula? Oh, no. No. I'm mad at him. I call him stealing from my blood bank.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Doctor. Lohrey, the operating table is all ready. What? What operating table? You ain't operating on me. I'm not hungry. You're not hungry. Don't hurt me. I don't want any cold cuts. Oh, I
[00:19:41] Unknown:
must
[00:19:42] Unknown:
I must insist, mister Costello. My diagnosis shows that the sneeze caused your cold, which caused poison to run through your system. This has affected your appendix, and your appendix must come out. Bring on the operating table, boys.
[00:19:57] Unknown:
The first guy that touches me gets a fat lip.
[00:20:03] Unknown:
Now that's no way to talk. You must follow your doctor's advice if you ever expect to get well. Okay then. Laurie, I'll let you take out my appendix on one condition. Good. What's the condition? You gotta take it out from the back. From the back? From the back. That's right. But why? Because I got a battleship tattooed on my stomach. And he is liable to sink it. Okay.
Introduction and Casino Fun
Costello's Misadventures
The Cold and Sneezing Dilemma
The Flu and Fleeing Wordplay
Meeting Hercules and Strength Demonstrations
Peter Lorre's Sanitarium Invitation
Journey to the Sanitarium
Inside the Sanitarium
The Operating Table Predicament
