In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic chaos of Abbott and Costello as they navigate a series of humorous misunderstandings and wordplay. The episode kicks off with a whimsical take on luck and chance, featuring a playful dialogue about unexpected places people have gotten lucky. The conversation quickly shifts to a comedic skit involving Costello's antics, from skipping around on doctor's orders to a hilarious misunderstanding about vitamins and birdseed. The duo's banter is filled with puns and clever wordplay, keeping the audience entertained with their classic comedic style.
The episode continues with Costello's visit to a psychiatrist, leading to a series of laugh-out-loud moments as he misinterprets the doctor's questions and suggestions. The comedic timing is impeccable as Costello's literal interpretations and Abbott's attempts to keep things on track create a delightful comedic tension. The episode wraps up with a visit to a rest home, where Costello's antics continue to amuse and entertain. This episode is a testament to Abbott and Costello's timeless humor, filled with quick wit and slapstick comedy that leaves listeners in stitches.
(01:08) Skipping Pills and Silly Antics
(03:08) Ken Niles and the Mustard Bath
(06:17) Psychiatrist Visit and Salami Dreams
(10:00) Linda Darnell and the Rest Home
(13:00) Hospital Humor and Doctor Maney
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:01:02] Unknown:
details. Costello, what are you doing? Skipping around the stage. Come here. Oh, yeah. So you're skipping around. Yeah. Well, that's the doctor's orders, is that it? The doctor told you to skip? Yeah. He gave me his pile of pills. See what it says here? Take these pills one a day and skip the next. Uh-oh. This is my skipping day. I see. I see. Here we go around the mountain. Alright. Alright. Alright.
[00:01:28] Unknown:
Pasta.
[00:01:29] Unknown:
Patella, please. Will you stop that? What's getting into you? You're acting like a nitwhip. I ain't no nitwhip, Abbot. I used to be a nitwit but I lost my needle. Oh, you lost your needles. I lost my needle. Now we ain't got nothing to nitwit. Yeah. That's fine. Look, what's come over you? Costello, stick out your tongue. That's why I ain't mad at you. Now come on. Let me see your tongue. Uh-huh. You've got a coat on your tongue. Look down further. Maybe you can see a pair of pants. Costello, are you sick or something? Come here. Let me feel your pulse. Let me put my hand on your brow. Are you kidding? Come on. Let me put my hand on your brow. And let me put my head on your shoulder. What for? Let's dance. Oh, cut it out, you dummy. Costello, you're not looking very well today. And you didn't look well last night. Did you take that alcohol rub like I told you? I didn't have any alcohol at it, so I rubbed myself out with a bottle of beer. And I almost I almost broke my neck. Almost broke your neck. How? Trying to blow the foam off my back. Hard. Yes. I know. The trouble with you, Costello, is that you don't get enough fresh air. Now why don't you get out in your garden like other people and plant some seeds?
Plant no seeds. That's a fag. That seed stuff is no good at it. What do you mean it's a fag? Last spring, I planted two pounds of bird seed and not a single bird came up. Oh. Not even a little canal. Alright. Birdseed. It's birdseed. The only bird came up was Yeah. Aye. Aye. Birdseed. CUSTOMER, what's wrong what's wrong with you today? Do you know do you know what you've been saying? Personally, I was a listener. Oh, you're getting impossible. Well, well, good evening, boy. Oh, it's Ken Niles. Say, Ken, I'm glad you dropped in. Say no other attention to Katella Ken. He's not feeling very well today. Today. I don't know what's wrong. Well, then why doesn't he do what my lovely wife does? When she's under the weather, she puts her feet in a hot mustard bath. Must take plenty of mustard to cover her dogs. Oh, I heard that remark, cartel. I said it for you to hear. Alright.
Get your lips out, folks. The barracuda are running again.
[00:03:33] Unknown:
Just a minute, Costello. How dare you compare me to a barracuda?
[00:03:37] Unknown:
I'm sorry, mister Niles. My mistake. That's fair. Barracuda's got teeth. Oh. Oh, what an insult. I've got teeth. Yes. But a barracuda keeps his teeth in water.
[00:03:49] Unknown:
So what? I keep my teeth in Oh.
[00:03:53] Unknown:
Just just Just say it. Alright. Never mind. Just a minute, Mrs. Niles. I'm afraid you'll have to excuse Costello tonight. He's on the ragged edge. Oh, I'd like to push him off. Darling, that was wonderful. You're so witty, dear. You're positively intoxicating.
[00:04:08] Unknown:
Oh, no, Kenneth. You're the one who's intoxicated.
[00:04:11] Unknown:
Oh, no. I insist, dear. You're intoxicated. Oh, no. No, dear. You're intoxicated. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just been listening to a couple of zombies.
[00:04:21] Unknown:
Oh. Come on. Look. Well, Costello, you did it again. You're always insulting people. I've come to the conclusion that it's all caused by the ragged condition of your nerves. What you need are vitamins. Vitamins? Yes. For instance, b one. B one what? Just b one. Just b one? Yes. Are you one? No. Then why should I be one? Oh. If it ain't good enough for you, it ain't good enough for me. What do you wanna do? Push me into these things by myself? I'm not pushing you into anything. I'm trying to tell you about something that's good for your nerve. What is it? Be one. But I don't wanna b one.
I don't want you to b one. No? No. When I say b one, I don't mean b one. I mean b one. Oh, when you say b one, you don't mean b one. You just mean b one. Yeah. That's right. That's right. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Look, Costello, do you know anything about vitamins and calories? Vitamins and calories? Sure. I know both of them. Poor vitamin and tab calories. No. No. No. I I'm talking about vitamins that contain, thiamine. Have you ever heard of Thiamon? Thiamon? Mhmm. Sure. I know him too. You know Thiamon? Yeah. Simple Thiamon. No. Not to tell you, dummy. Thiamon is b one. When did they reclassify him? Look. I don't mean that. I've got Thiamon right here in this little, bottle. See? Let him out before he chokes the net.
Famine, get out of that bottle. Don't Push out the cork and talk for me. Yeah. Yeah. I look Famine, talk for me. Yeah. Quiet. Look, Guaciela, for the last time, I'm going to tell you what vitamins are. Vitamins are pill. A is the, sunshine vitamin. B is for energy. Vitamins start with a and go to h. That's alright with me. Now just remember, Costello, the vitamins are a, b, c, d, e, f, g, Alright, Cartel. Follow me in here. I'm taking you to see doctor Bulfinch, the famous psychiatrist. Hey, but there's nothing wrong with me. I don't know just you know a psychiatrist. Oh, no. You've been acting very strangely, nervous, fighting with people, wouldn't take your vitamins, and today you had your lunch in the bathtub. I always had my lunch in the bathtub. Don't you think that's crazy? No. I could take a bath and wash the dishes at the same time. There ain't nothing crazy with that, brother. There's another thing. You haven't taken your hat off in three days. You even go to bed with your hat on. Now why don't you take your hat off? What? Let my pigeon fly away?
Oh, shut up. You're going to see the doctor in right now. I'm right in, mister Abbott. I've been expecting you. So this is your little friend, Luke Costello. Yes, doctor. You were perfectly right in your description of him. He does look a little, shall we say, yes. Yes. But no matter. After all, many a simple man has gone places. How soon are you leaving? Good. There's only one thing to do. Costello, I'm gonna psychoanalyze you. If you touch me, brother, I'll call my mother. Abbott, get me out of here. Now, Costello, doctor Bullpinch won't hurt you. Why, of course. I just wanna probe into your subconscious mind. Now for instance, have you had any dreams lately? Oh, yes. Last night I'd drift back. I wanted a salami sandwich. Fine. Fine. Salami is imported. That suggests that you wanted to take a trip. Isn't that what you wanted? No. I wanted a salami sandwich. But didn't you try to analyze your dream? Now, didn't you go beyond the first phase?
Yeah. Yeah. I did. I got up and ate the salami. And that was all? You slept peacefully after that? Not exactly. I knew it. I knew it. You were subconsciously disturbed. You wanted to make that trip. Yeah. Now, did the dream repeat itself? No. But the salami did. Well, let's forget the salami. I'm sorry I brought it up. Oh, you had one too? Doctor, I I think you better try something else. Good idea. Good idea. Now let's try word associations. Now, Costello, I'll mention a word and you tell me a word that is closely related to it. For instance, the word flower. What does that make you think of? Poppy. Good. Good. Poppy is a flower. Now what does poppy make you think of? Mommy. Mommy? That's funny. I don't think of mommy. Well, you should. Mommy thinks of you.
Gustavo, please. Will you pay attention to the man? Yes. Let's start over again with the word flower. Now what do you think of? Bed. That's perfect. Flowers go in bed. Now, the next word is river. Bed. Good. River bed. The next word is icebox. Bed. Bed. Costello, how can icebox make you think of bed? I'm tired. I Alright. Now let's take the word tired. What does that suggest? Sleep. Sleep. That's right. Now we're getting places. What does sleep suggest? Delicatessen. How in heaven's name could sleep suggest a delicatessen? Because I might have another dream tonight and I'm all out of salami. No. This man is impossible, I suggest you take him to a rest home immediately. My nurse will go with you. Oh, nurse? Yes, doctor. Eric, I ain't gonna go to no rest home with no nurse. Pastello, look who the nurse is. Linda Darnell.
This why don't care if it is Linda Darnell? I don't care. I am not not the moving pictures. Yes. The beautiful moving pictures. Yes. That's enough. Now go. I'll go. Hello, mister Costello. Heaven. You are right. I am a sick man. Oh, now that you've got a pretty nice, you're a sick man, It's got nothing to do with it. Come, miss Donnell. Let us flee to the rest our home.
[00:10:00] Unknown:
Oh, just a moment. Mister Costello.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Please, mister Costello, we have to be absolutely sure that you're really sick.
[00:10:13] Unknown:
Honest, Linda, I'm sick as anything. I have pictures on my head. I drink balsamic. I have lunch in a bathtub. Now wait a minute, Mr. Costello. I only give my personal attention to critical cases. But my case is critical. Do you realize I'm dying? Oh, Costello. How do you know you're dying? I just busted my lifetime top pen.
[00:10:34] Unknown:
Just think Linda. You can nurse them back to health. Then we'll go steady together. Oh, no. I'm sorry. But I only go out with certain persons. So what about me? Who certain you're a person?
[00:10:45] Unknown:
Costello,
[00:10:46] Unknown:
stop talking like this. Miss Darnell may have a boyfriend. You don't know. I certainly have and what a man. He has the charm of a dozen men and the body of a prizefighter. Oh, yeah? Well, what's the matter with me? We have the charm of a prize fighter and the body of a dozen men.
[00:11:01] Unknown:
The body of a dozen men, Alinda.
[00:11:04] Unknown:
Now listen, I'm not that fat. You're not fat. We're just looking at you. And people say Los Angeles is spread out.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Yes, Gastel. Miss O'Neil is right. You certainly are fat. In our last picture, you photographed as big as an elephant. No wonder I keep getting peanuts in my fair mail. Now, never mind this vulgar ass now, Linda. Now, leave us free to the rest home.
[00:11:35] Unknown:
Not so fast, Costello. Look, before I can take you to the rest home and give you my personal attention, I must be fully convinced that you need a mental rest. Okay. I can prove it, and I can prove that I need it. Abbott,
[00:11:46] Unknown:
tell her what I did this morning. Costello, do you really want me to tell her that? Go ahead. I'm brave, Abbott. Go on. Go ahead and tell her. Linda, this morning, Costello walked all the way from his house to the studio on his hand. On your hand? On my hand. Well, why did you do that? I don't wear suspenders and it keeps my pants up. Go. Well, Costello, here we are. Lamar Torrance rest home in the hospital in Banning. Hospital, I was in the hospital last night, Adam. What happened? What happened? Yesterday afternoon, my aunt Minnie had trippers. And there was her husband, uncle Henry, sitting up in a bed with a pink bedjacker on, holding one of the kids in each arm. Your uncle Henry had a kid on each arm? Where was your aunt Minnie? Oh, she had to go to work. She's a riveter at Lockheed. Now just a minute, Costello. You said your aunt Minnie had triplets, and and your uncle Henry was only holding two of them. Now where was the other baby? Oh, aunt Minnie took him to work with her. Oh, that's ridiculous, Costello. What would that little baby be doing your aunt Minnie in a defense plan? Now tell me that. Who do you think throws her the rivets on?
Costello, if anybody ever needed a rest home, it's you. Come on. Let's go in. Now, we've gotta get you to bed. Good evening, boys. We've been expecting you. Oh, hello, Linda. Let's not waste any time. Come on. Start soothing my nerves. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Sh with a bat? Somebody's gotta make you ready, ain't it?
[00:13:25] Unknown:
Please, mister Cassello, you must observe absolute silence. Understand? Silence. Okay, Linda. Very well. Come on. Follow me. I'll announce you.
[00:13:56] Unknown:
It's recess. Oh. Miss Donna, we'd like to see the head doctor. Who's in charge? Doctor Blaney's, but he isn't here. Where is he? He probably went away for a rest.
[00:14:10] Unknown:
Well, in Doctor Blaney's absence,
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Doctor Maney is in charge. Oh, here he comes now. Well, well, well, well, good evening, gentlemen. I'm Doctor Maney, m e. M e? What's that? That's me. Greetings to you. And nuts to you. Doctor Maney, this is Lou Costello. He's the new patient. Oh, oh, a new patient. Well, we here at this happy haven of health have a few simple rules we must abide by. For example, no riding bicycles through the corridors after three in the evening. But would it be okay for me to drive my oil and fuel to the bathroom? Yes. Providing you don't stop in the library for gas and oil.
But remember, the most important rule that we have is I e n two with Whatever happened to missus Prune Face? Abbot, I may not have a nervous breakdown yet, but if I play my cards right, this is the place to get one. Cartelo, have a little more respect for the doctor, please.
[00:15:08] Unknown:
Hello? Nurse Dunnell speaking. Yes. Yes. Alright. We'll someone up right away. Who is that? The horse in 619 wants another blanket.
[00:15:16] Unknown:
What's he getting in mind? I've gotta sweat it. Well, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go now. I must see if the nurses are comfortable. Bye. Look, Linda. When does Costello start resting?
[00:15:26] Unknown:
Yes. Well,
[00:15:28] Unknown:
I mean, that's well, somebody somebody I mean, Connie Connie should've been here by now. Yes. You know, they're going to operate nurse by now. I'm already for my operation. My goodness, Linda. Are they going to operate on this beautiful little girl? Yes. They're going to operate over in a few minutes. Do you mind if I cut in? I'll take your salary too, this week. Costella. Costello, you, you didn't come out here to will you listen to me, please? You didn't come out here to be with girl. You're supposed to relax. Well, different people relax in different ways. I don't want that reaction in different ways. I never want that.
[00:16:10] Unknown:
Well, mister Costello, it's time for you to go in and see doctor Daney. He's in his office now resting. Why don't you go in and wake him up? I don't wanna wake him up. Maybe he's dreaming about a salami sandwich. Oh, that's quite that's quite alright, mister Costello. Just get you on that door quietly and say, doctor Daini.
[00:16:25] Unknown:
Doctor Daini, wake up. It's me.
[00:16:29] Unknown:
Open the door, Costello. Go in.
[00:16:47] Unknown:
Come on, doctor. Hey, doctor. Come on. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Don't be a snow white.
[00:16:54] Unknown:
Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. This is mister Costello, mister Daney. Hey. He's been a little nervous lately. You don't have to be nervous. All you need is rest. Plenty of rest and quiet. Relax. Relax. Fresh stuff. Well, look, that's You might be nervous. Always unaccepted job. But no more rest. Rest. Plenty of rest. Fact the thing. Fix it up in no time. I know, but I Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Hold the line. Alright. Alright. Time for that. Quiet. Quiet.
[00:17:35] Unknown:
Bill, can you tell him? Did you see doctor Daney? Yes, ma'am. I saw him. Well, what did he say?
With Lucky Lane slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:09] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:14] Unknown:
No. Lucky Lane Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry. In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:21] Unknown:
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[00:00:31] Unknown:
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line at the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play
[00:01:02] Unknown:
details. Costello, what are you doing? Skipping around the stage. Come here. Oh, yeah. So you're skipping around. Yeah. Well, that's the doctor's orders, is that it? The doctor told you to skip? Yeah. He gave me his pile of pills. See what it says here? Take these pills one a day and skip the next. Uh-oh. This is my skipping day. I see. I see. Here we go around the mountain. Alright. Alright. Alright.
[00:01:28] Unknown:
Pasta.
[00:01:29] Unknown:
Patella, please. Will you stop that? What's getting into you? You're acting like a nitwhip. I ain't no nitwhip, Abbot. I used to be a nitwit but I lost my needle. Oh, you lost your needles. I lost my needle. Now we ain't got nothing to nitwit. Yeah. That's fine. Look, what's come over you? Costello, stick out your tongue. That's why I ain't mad at you. Now come on. Let me see your tongue. Uh-huh. You've got a coat on your tongue. Look down further. Maybe you can see a pair of pants. Costello, are you sick or something? Come here. Let me feel your pulse. Let me put my hand on your brow. Are you kidding? Come on. Let me put my hand on your brow. And let me put my head on your shoulder. What for? Let's dance. Oh, cut it out, you dummy. Costello, you're not looking very well today. And you didn't look well last night. Did you take that alcohol rub like I told you? I didn't have any alcohol at it, so I rubbed myself out with a bottle of beer. And I almost I almost broke my neck. Almost broke your neck. How? Trying to blow the foam off my back. Hard. Yes. I know. The trouble with you, Costello, is that you don't get enough fresh air. Now why don't you get out in your garden like other people and plant some seeds?
Plant no seeds. That's a fag. That seed stuff is no good at it. What do you mean it's a fag? Last spring, I planted two pounds of bird seed and not a single bird came up. Oh. Not even a little canal. Alright. Birdseed. It's birdseed. The only bird came up was Yeah. Aye. Aye. Birdseed. CUSTOMER, what's wrong what's wrong with you today? Do you know do you know what you've been saying? Personally, I was a listener. Oh, you're getting impossible. Well, well, good evening, boy. Oh, it's Ken Niles. Say, Ken, I'm glad you dropped in. Say no other attention to Katella Ken. He's not feeling very well today. Today. I don't know what's wrong. Well, then why doesn't he do what my lovely wife does? When she's under the weather, she puts her feet in a hot mustard bath. Must take plenty of mustard to cover her dogs. Oh, I heard that remark, cartel. I said it for you to hear. Alright.
Get your lips out, folks. The barracuda are running again.
[00:03:33] Unknown:
Just a minute, Costello. How dare you compare me to a barracuda?
[00:03:37] Unknown:
I'm sorry, mister Niles. My mistake. That's fair. Barracuda's got teeth. Oh. Oh, what an insult. I've got teeth. Yes. But a barracuda keeps his teeth in water.
[00:03:49] Unknown:
So what? I keep my teeth in Oh.
[00:03:53] Unknown:
Just just Just say it. Alright. Never mind. Just a minute, Mrs. Niles. I'm afraid you'll have to excuse Costello tonight. He's on the ragged edge. Oh, I'd like to push him off. Darling, that was wonderful. You're so witty, dear. You're positively intoxicating.
[00:04:08] Unknown:
Oh, no, Kenneth. You're the one who's intoxicated.
[00:04:11] Unknown:
Oh, no. I insist, dear. You're intoxicated. Oh, no. No, dear. You're intoxicated. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just been listening to a couple of zombies.
[00:04:21] Unknown:
Oh. Come on. Look. Well, Costello, you did it again. You're always insulting people. I've come to the conclusion that it's all caused by the ragged condition of your nerves. What you need are vitamins. Vitamins? Yes. For instance, b one. B one what? Just b one. Just b one? Yes. Are you one? No. Then why should I be one? Oh. If it ain't good enough for you, it ain't good enough for me. What do you wanna do? Push me into these things by myself? I'm not pushing you into anything. I'm trying to tell you about something that's good for your nerve. What is it? Be one. But I don't wanna b one.
I don't want you to b one. No? No. When I say b one, I don't mean b one. I mean b one. Oh, when you say b one, you don't mean b one. You just mean b one. Yeah. That's right. That's right. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Look, Costello, do you know anything about vitamins and calories? Vitamins and calories? Sure. I know both of them. Poor vitamin and tab calories. No. No. No. I I'm talking about vitamins that contain, thiamine. Have you ever heard of Thiamon? Thiamon? Mhmm. Sure. I know him too. You know Thiamon? Yeah. Simple Thiamon. No. Not to tell you, dummy. Thiamon is b one. When did they reclassify him? Look. I don't mean that. I've got Thiamon right here in this little, bottle. See? Let him out before he chokes the net.
Famine, get out of that bottle. Don't Push out the cork and talk for me. Yeah. Yeah. I look Famine, talk for me. Yeah. Quiet. Look, Guaciela, for the last time, I'm going to tell you what vitamins are. Vitamins are pill. A is the, sunshine vitamin. B is for energy. Vitamins start with a and go to h. That's alright with me. Now just remember, Costello, the vitamins are a, b, c, d, e, f, g, Alright, Cartel. Follow me in here. I'm taking you to see doctor Bulfinch, the famous psychiatrist. Hey, but there's nothing wrong with me. I don't know just you know a psychiatrist. Oh, no. You've been acting very strangely, nervous, fighting with people, wouldn't take your vitamins, and today you had your lunch in the bathtub. I always had my lunch in the bathtub. Don't you think that's crazy? No. I could take a bath and wash the dishes at the same time. There ain't nothing crazy with that, brother. There's another thing. You haven't taken your hat off in three days. You even go to bed with your hat on. Now why don't you take your hat off? What? Let my pigeon fly away?
Oh, shut up. You're going to see the doctor in right now. I'm right in, mister Abbott. I've been expecting you. So this is your little friend, Luke Costello. Yes, doctor. You were perfectly right in your description of him. He does look a little, shall we say, yes. Yes. But no matter. After all, many a simple man has gone places. How soon are you leaving? Good. There's only one thing to do. Costello, I'm gonna psychoanalyze you. If you touch me, brother, I'll call my mother. Abbott, get me out of here. Now, Costello, doctor Bullpinch won't hurt you. Why, of course. I just wanna probe into your subconscious mind. Now for instance, have you had any dreams lately? Oh, yes. Last night I'd drift back. I wanted a salami sandwich. Fine. Fine. Salami is imported. That suggests that you wanted to take a trip. Isn't that what you wanted? No. I wanted a salami sandwich. But didn't you try to analyze your dream? Now, didn't you go beyond the first phase?
Yeah. Yeah. I did. I got up and ate the salami. And that was all? You slept peacefully after that? Not exactly. I knew it. I knew it. You were subconsciously disturbed. You wanted to make that trip. Yeah. Now, did the dream repeat itself? No. But the salami did. Well, let's forget the salami. I'm sorry I brought it up. Oh, you had one too? Doctor, I I think you better try something else. Good idea. Good idea. Now let's try word associations. Now, Costello, I'll mention a word and you tell me a word that is closely related to it. For instance, the word flower. What does that make you think of? Poppy. Good. Good. Poppy is a flower. Now what does poppy make you think of? Mommy. Mommy? That's funny. I don't think of mommy. Well, you should. Mommy thinks of you.
Gustavo, please. Will you pay attention to the man? Yes. Let's start over again with the word flower. Now what do you think of? Bed. That's perfect. Flowers go in bed. Now, the next word is river. Bed. Good. River bed. The next word is icebox. Bed. Bed. Costello, how can icebox make you think of bed? I'm tired. I Alright. Now let's take the word tired. What does that suggest? Sleep. Sleep. That's right. Now we're getting places. What does sleep suggest? Delicatessen. How in heaven's name could sleep suggest a delicatessen? Because I might have another dream tonight and I'm all out of salami. No. This man is impossible, I suggest you take him to a rest home immediately. My nurse will go with you. Oh, nurse? Yes, doctor. Eric, I ain't gonna go to no rest home with no nurse. Pastello, look who the nurse is. Linda Darnell.
This why don't care if it is Linda Darnell? I don't care. I am not not the moving pictures. Yes. The beautiful moving pictures. Yes. That's enough. Now go. I'll go. Hello, mister Costello. Heaven. You are right. I am a sick man. Oh, now that you've got a pretty nice, you're a sick man, It's got nothing to do with it. Come, miss Donnell. Let us flee to the rest our home.
[00:10:00] Unknown:
Oh, just a moment. Mister Costello.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Please, mister Costello, we have to be absolutely sure that you're really sick.
[00:10:13] Unknown:
Honest, Linda, I'm sick as anything. I have pictures on my head. I drink balsamic. I have lunch in a bathtub. Now wait a minute, Mr. Costello. I only give my personal attention to critical cases. But my case is critical. Do you realize I'm dying? Oh, Costello. How do you know you're dying? I just busted my lifetime top pen.
[00:10:34] Unknown:
Just think Linda. You can nurse them back to health. Then we'll go steady together. Oh, no. I'm sorry. But I only go out with certain persons. So what about me? Who certain you're a person?
[00:10:45] Unknown:
Costello,
[00:10:46] Unknown:
stop talking like this. Miss Darnell may have a boyfriend. You don't know. I certainly have and what a man. He has the charm of a dozen men and the body of a prizefighter. Oh, yeah? Well, what's the matter with me? We have the charm of a prize fighter and the body of a dozen men.
[00:11:01] Unknown:
The body of a dozen men, Alinda.
[00:11:04] Unknown:
Now listen, I'm not that fat. You're not fat. We're just looking at you. And people say Los Angeles is spread out.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Yes, Gastel. Miss O'Neil is right. You certainly are fat. In our last picture, you photographed as big as an elephant. No wonder I keep getting peanuts in my fair mail. Now, never mind this vulgar ass now, Linda. Now, leave us free to the rest home.
[00:11:35] Unknown:
Not so fast, Costello. Look, before I can take you to the rest home and give you my personal attention, I must be fully convinced that you need a mental rest. Okay. I can prove it, and I can prove that I need it. Abbott,
[00:11:46] Unknown:
tell her what I did this morning. Costello, do you really want me to tell her that? Go ahead. I'm brave, Abbott. Go on. Go ahead and tell her. Linda, this morning, Costello walked all the way from his house to the studio on his hand. On your hand? On my hand. Well, why did you do that? I don't wear suspenders and it keeps my pants up. Go. Well, Costello, here we are. Lamar Torrance rest home in the hospital in Banning. Hospital, I was in the hospital last night, Adam. What happened? What happened? Yesterday afternoon, my aunt Minnie had trippers. And there was her husband, uncle Henry, sitting up in a bed with a pink bedjacker on, holding one of the kids in each arm. Your uncle Henry had a kid on each arm? Where was your aunt Minnie? Oh, she had to go to work. She's a riveter at Lockheed. Now just a minute, Costello. You said your aunt Minnie had triplets, and and your uncle Henry was only holding two of them. Now where was the other baby? Oh, aunt Minnie took him to work with her. Oh, that's ridiculous, Costello. What would that little baby be doing your aunt Minnie in a defense plan? Now tell me that. Who do you think throws her the rivets on?
Costello, if anybody ever needed a rest home, it's you. Come on. Let's go in. Now, we've gotta get you to bed. Good evening, boys. We've been expecting you. Oh, hello, Linda. Let's not waste any time. Come on. Start soothing my nerves. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Sh with a bat? Somebody's gotta make you ready, ain't it?
[00:13:25] Unknown:
Please, mister Cassello, you must observe absolute silence. Understand? Silence. Okay, Linda. Very well. Come on. Follow me. I'll announce you.
[00:13:56] Unknown:
It's recess. Oh. Miss Donna, we'd like to see the head doctor. Who's in charge? Doctor Blaney's, but he isn't here. Where is he? He probably went away for a rest.
[00:14:10] Unknown:
Well, in Doctor Blaney's absence,
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Doctor Maney is in charge. Oh, here he comes now. Well, well, well, well, good evening, gentlemen. I'm Doctor Maney, m e. M e? What's that? That's me. Greetings to you. And nuts to you. Doctor Maney, this is Lou Costello. He's the new patient. Oh, oh, a new patient. Well, we here at this happy haven of health have a few simple rules we must abide by. For example, no riding bicycles through the corridors after three in the evening. But would it be okay for me to drive my oil and fuel to the bathroom? Yes. Providing you don't stop in the library for gas and oil.
But remember, the most important rule that we have is I e n two with Whatever happened to missus Prune Face? Abbot, I may not have a nervous breakdown yet, but if I play my cards right, this is the place to get one. Cartelo, have a little more respect for the doctor, please.
[00:15:08] Unknown:
Hello? Nurse Dunnell speaking. Yes. Yes. Alright. We'll someone up right away. Who is that? The horse in 619 wants another blanket.
[00:15:16] Unknown:
What's he getting in mind? I've gotta sweat it. Well, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go now. I must see if the nurses are comfortable. Bye. Look, Linda. When does Costello start resting?
[00:15:26] Unknown:
Yes. Well,
[00:15:28] Unknown:
I mean, that's well, somebody somebody I mean, Connie Connie should've been here by now. Yes. You know, they're going to operate nurse by now. I'm already for my operation. My goodness, Linda. Are they going to operate on this beautiful little girl? Yes. They're going to operate over in a few minutes. Do you mind if I cut in? I'll take your salary too, this week. Costella. Costello, you, you didn't come out here to will you listen to me, please? You didn't come out here to be with girl. You're supposed to relax. Well, different people relax in different ways. I don't want that reaction in different ways. I never want that.
[00:16:10] Unknown:
Well, mister Costello, it's time for you to go in and see doctor Daney. He's in his office now resting. Why don't you go in and wake him up? I don't wanna wake him up. Maybe he's dreaming about a salami sandwich. Oh, that's quite that's quite alright, mister Costello. Just get you on that door quietly and say, doctor Daini.
[00:16:25] Unknown:
Doctor Daini, wake up. It's me.
[00:16:29] Unknown:
Open the door, Costello. Go in.
[00:16:47] Unknown:
Come on, doctor. Hey, doctor. Come on. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Don't be a snow white.
[00:16:54] Unknown:
Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. This is mister Costello, mister Daney. Hey. He's been a little nervous lately. You don't have to be nervous. All you need is rest. Plenty of rest and quiet. Relax. Relax. Fresh stuff. Well, look, that's You might be nervous. Always unaccepted job. But no more rest. Rest. Plenty of rest. Fact the thing. Fix it up in no time. I know, but I Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Hold the line. Alright. Alright. Time for that. Quiet. Quiet.
[00:17:35] Unknown:
Bill, can you tell him? Did you see doctor Daney? Yes, ma'am. I saw him. Well, what did he say?
