"Death of a Lifer" is episode #23 of the 33 Half Moon Street radio series, originally broadcast on October 26, 1965. This South African detective drama, which aired in the mid-1960s, centers on the private investigation firm "Assignments Unlimited," located at the titular address, 33 Half Moon Street. The show was a hit in its day, featuring Chief Investigator Aubrey Mason, played by the popular South African actor Michael Todd. Mason’s character is known for his bold slogan, "We do anything, anywhere, at any time," and the agency’s guarantee of success on every case, no matter how unusual.
While specific plot details for "Death of a Lifer" are not widely documented in accessible archives, the episode title suggests a story involving a "lifer"—likely a prisoner serving a life sentence—whose death becomes the focal point of Mason’s investigation. Given the series’ reputation for tackling uncommon cases, the narrative might explore a mysterious death in a prison setting, a wrongful conviction, or a conspiracy tied to the lifer’s demise. The show’s typical 25-minute runtime would feature a tightly woven plot, relying on sharp dialogue and sound effects to drive the suspense, with Mason’s resourcefulness and wit at the forefront.
33 Half Moon Street was written by Adrian Steed for its first 17 episodes, with Douglas Laws taking over for the remainder, including this one. Produced after the Golden Age of Radio, it still captured the era’s charm with high production values and engaging storytelling. Michael Todd’s performance as Mason, combined with the series’ focus on clever, offbeat mysteries, kept listeners hooked.
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:01]
Unknown:
Check engine light on? Take the guesswork out of your check engine light with O'Reilly BaraScan. It's free. Ask for O'Reilly BaraScan today. O'Reilly.
[00:00:13] Unknown:
O'Reilly. Auto parts.
[00:00:18] Unknown:
Careful, Percy. I've you no respect for the dearly departed. It's a good strong coffin made of Oregon pine. That's not the point. It's because of what's inside coughing that you should handle it gently. What's in there can't come to no harm, mate? You've no soul, Percy Feinton. That's your trouble. It'll be us, arrival. Right? Complete with the horses. Only thing is we ain't got nobody can drive horses. These days, outside of the zoo, the nippers hardly ever see them, let alone drive them. Well, that's taken care of, Percy. We're getting the fellow from a place in the West End, 30 3 Up Moon Street.
[00:01:08] Unknown:
Death of a Lighter.
[00:01:17] Unknown:
You love the Springbald top 40 volume one so much? Here's volume two. Featuring 40 of your all time Springbop Radio number one hits. As a special bonus, a memorabilia CD with excerpts of your favorite signature tunes and programs.
[00:01:36] Unknown:
Squad cars. They prowl the empty streets of night.
[00:01:40] Unknown:
Swangbok Top 40 Volume two. Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars.
[00:01:48] Unknown:
For the first time, there's a chance that the ANC may be defeated in various provinces. I'm Peter Molder, leader of the Freedom Front Plus. No single political party can defeat the ANC, but with a coalition of parties, including the Freedom Front Plus, this can be done. The Freedom Front Plus and it takes to address those matters important to you in a coalition and fight for them. This election, vote Freedom Front Plus, we really make a difference.
[00:02:32] Unknown:
Gone if you want to help him this is what to do make sure the water hog is never never you just make sure the water hog is never
[00:02:50] Unknown:
Part of Canon's childhood was spent on a ranch in the American Midwest. It was there that he learned to handle horses and that knowledge was to stand him in good stead when a Mr Harry Ducky telephoned to engage the services of a man capable of driving a horse driven hearse to West Ham Cemetery. A generous fee and a top hat and black mourning coat from Mossposs completed the arrangements for Canon's latest assignment and he was soon on his way to Harry Duckett's funeral parlour situated rather aptly in the murky depths of Cobrave Road.
[00:03:27] Unknown:
What's up with him? The animals got horse sense. This, top hat of frock coats enough to make anybody shine. Including you? No, my face is red from watching cricket. Anyway, I don't anticipate meeting any of my closer friends while I steer this hearse across Leytonstone to, West Ham Cemetery. Even if you did, they wouldn't recognize you in that kennel and in the dark and
[00:03:48] Unknown:
all. In the dark? Well, the streets are all lit up, but you can't see all that well at midnight, can you? Percy, what are we gonna do at midnight? Drive the earth to West Ham Cemetery. What do you think you're here for? But at midnight What did Larry tell you? Tell me when. His bloke what's being planted. The ceremony's at midnight. But, Percy, people don't get buried or married at the witching hour. You must have made a mistake. No mistake, mate. This geezer in the box was a bit queer in the head. Left instructions in his will he did. Told the next of kin that he had to be carted in an horse, driven hearse to West Ham and planted at midnight in the dark. No accounting for some people, is it? Then what am I doing here at midday in this monkey outfit? Now he wants to make sure you can handle them horses in the traffic. Wouldn't do if they voted, now would it? Think of that poor old geyser in an Oregon pine number seven.
[00:04:37] Unknown:
I see what you mean. By the way, how will the wake travel? The what? At the mourners, you know, his family and friends, I take it. They'll be happy, midnight. Oh, that was something else he put in his will. No family.
[00:04:49] Unknown:
A short service here by the pauldron, and you and me take him to his last resting place in West Ham. So you better reach up your horses and take him for a trip. Harry won't like it if there's any slip up. Okay. But first I'm changing back into Mufti. Oh, I know there, mister Cannon. When is there help you need? No. They they look okay. But I didn't know this job was to be at midnight. Eleven o'clock, sharp blood. You have to be at cemetery at twelve. That's the precise time he stated in his will. The service will be at up ten, but you needn't be here. As a matter of fact, no one's to be here, just the powdery. Funny old sticky must have been. Well then you can't deny a man his last wish on earth, can you? No, no, I guess not.
They look a bit frisky to me. You better give him a bit of exercise. Yeah. Well, have you got the, the route to the cemetery? No, I, I have And you better make sure you stick to it. There are certain streets that don't allow horse drawn vehicles in so I've made a bit of a map for you. Here. Nice. Now you see, you start off from where we are in Colgrave Road. You swing into Crownfield Road and across over Eilat And Stone, are you? Mhmm. And then you take the Borthwick route past the Jews cemetery and come into the Westham Cemetery down Tavistock Lane. Yeah, but the, the main entrance is on the other side, isn't it? No. She's allowed around that way. Now just study up on this route and get it clear in your mind so you'll know where to go tonight. Look, I got a better idea. Why don't I take the horses for exercise in a few minutes I'll take them over the route on your map. Oh, don't do that lad. There's not many horse drawn ones in London these days. In the daylight you'll attract a lot of attention and that's just what the dearly departed didn't want. Now, be a good lad and take him for the trot over to Acmey Marshies. There's plenty of traffic over that way and you can give him a gallop if you like on the marshes or the room in the world. If that's the way you want him, mister Duckett, that's the way it'll be. Well, I've got to go. Her dearly departed in Stratford.
If there's out you want, mister Cannon, just ask Percy. He'll be going with you tonight. And don't forget the time now. Eleven sharp. Oh, and just one other thing. No whistling on the earth, a straight face and dignity, mister cannon. That's the ticket. Dignity. And you don't have to stop for traffic. Just be careful that nothing's coming fast when you cross a main road. You're allowed to go through traffic lights if you feel like it and go slow. The poor man had a big enough rush in his earthly life. Eleven sharp.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Hey. You're right on time, mister Kenneth. Eleven's sharp, he said.
[00:07:25] Unknown:
Well, where is everybody? Inside a parlor. They're not to be disturbed until exactly a level. Everything's ready for you. How do you like my suit?
[00:07:36] Unknown:
Like me, Percy, you look as though you'd stepped out of the picnic papers.
[00:07:40] Unknown:
11 on the nose. Right. Let's start, mate. Okay. There's nobody here. A party went out the back way.
[00:07:55] Unknown:
Where's the coffin on the earth?
[00:07:57] Unknown:
All ready to go. Oh, Harry asked me to give you this, your your check. So you coming back in the morning. Oh, thanks.
[00:08:05] Unknown:
Well, climb aboard, Percy. I'll just check the harness. I'm going in the back with a coffin. Was there room? Enough. Well, why not sit up on top with me? You'll be more comfortable. Oh, it's the way you wanted it. Oh, gosh. You was an exemption. What's that, mate? Oh, never mind. And you get You know the route? Yeah. Off my heart. Better start. I can't gallop them if we run behind time. Alrighty.
[00:08:28] Unknown:
You alright, Percy? Alright. No more talking now. You gotta have dignity. Yeah. I'm with it. Yeah. Come on, mister Cannon. What? I said dignity. Oh, you're outside. Come
[00:08:46] Unknown:
on. Get
[00:09:05] Unknown:
Are we there? North West Gate. And what time you make it? Here. Oh, ten minutes to twelve. Just right. Here. Hang on to my pocket watch, will you? Not sure. I'll open the gate and you can bring those inside. Don't they have a caretaker here? Not at this time of night. But don't worry. I've got a key. Why are you closing the gate? Regulations, mate. Now the grave's on the other side.
[00:09:52] Unknown:
You have to help me carry the coffin. Look. If we'd gone round the other way, we could have driven right in. But we didn't, did we?
[00:09:58] Unknown:
Well, let's get out of it. He's gotta be filled up by midnight. I've strapped a couple of spades on the top. We'll take him with us. No, gravediggers? What at this time of night? There's a trade union, mate.
[00:10:10] Unknown:
It won't take us long if we get moving. Hang on, pussy. I've got a flashlight here. Put it away. Who will be able to see better? I said put it away. Orders or no lights.
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Orders? Requests from the deceased.
[00:10:20] Unknown:
Now give us a hand like a good chap, and don't make things difficult. Okay.
[00:10:27] Unknown:
Alright. So ticket yeah. What's up for that spade? I'll go on in front another way.
[00:10:36] Unknown:
You know, Percy, I could carry this coffin myself. The man hardly wears anything at all. Yeah.
[00:10:42] Unknown:
You're proper wasted away, he was. Small bloke. Very small.
[00:10:47] Unknown:
What was that? Just an owl. You got bad nerves, Percy? Been here. Or in Graves. That's quite a job you've got. You,
[00:10:58] Unknown:
you've been at it long? Yeah. Oh, we're undertaking, like, twenty years, I suppose. Years now. Already. But I had it away. He knows his job.
[00:11:11] Unknown:
Now careful.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Oh, sorry. Oh, I won't do no harm. It's hurricane pine. It's hard on the inside and creosote on the outside. Yeah. Well, now how do we lower it into the grave? I've got some time here. Here you are. You wrap this loop round your end. Okay? That's the way. Yeah. Yeah. Dead right. We couldn't have done it better, could we? Alright. Lower away. Okay, buddy. Grab that spade. That's the way. The speed. Stop pinning it in. Okay. Yeah.
[00:11:56] Unknown:
Yeah. How about a headstone?
[00:11:58] Unknown:
Didn't work. Nothing like that. What's that? Oh, he's at that hole again. Hello. Someone ought to threaten that bird. What happens when we finish, Prissy? You drive the Earthpack, and that's easy as pie, ain't it? Easy as pie.
[00:12:20] Unknown:
You do get to know the strangest places, Cannon. I've lived in London all my life and I've never been in this area before. I only came here June in the course of my duties.
[00:12:28] Unknown:
The funeral potter is in Colgrave Road. It's not far now. Of all things, you driving a funeral car. It wasn't a car. It was a horse drawn hearse and the man was buried at midnight, Lonely and silent. Only me and this comic opera guy, Percy. He had the keys to the gate into West Ham Cemetery and while he unlocked it, he asked me to hold his watch. I put in my pocket and forgot about it. So I'm just paying them a visit to return his watch. I have no other interest in Leightonstone. Of course, don't be so emphatic about it. I only thought we might have taken a taxi, that's all. It's my turn to pay for lunch and when it's my turn we take the bus. What's the matter with you anyway? It's only $4. Good for your figure. True, but yours is a false economy. The exercise will sharpen my appetite and I'll eat twice as much. That would be impossible. I don't know why I bother to go to lunch with you. It's my irresistible charm. Ah, here we are. Colgrave Road. Now the funeral parlor is just down there. What's the man's name again? Harry Duckett. No. The one who gave you his watch to mind. Oh, Percy. Percy what?
Peyton, I think. Hey. What's up? That? Those double doors, this is it. What? No sign? Wait a minute. There was a sign up there on the board. It's gone. Oh, so is the funeral parlour scene? This place is empty.
[00:13:47] Unknown:
Yeah, the doors are locked. I can see in through a window. Are you sure you've come to the right place, can I? Sure, I'm sure.
[00:13:55] Unknown:
I don't get it. He didn't say anything about moving. Perhaps they were temporary premises. No, no. Percy said he'd been in the business for twenty years. You know, come to think of it that song was freshly painted. Hey wait a minute, hang on. There's no cottage across the street. He might know something. Sir, have you lived around here long? Yeah, what? You have any idea what happened to the, funeral power over the road?
[00:14:20] Unknown:
They're gone. Was, rather sudden wasn't it? Yeah, quickest in and out I've ever seen. Arrives on Monday, puts up the sign and this morning they're gone again. All days and out of business. Must have heard we're all healthy around here.
[00:14:35] Unknown:
What's up, Kevin?
[00:14:36] Unknown:
Well, Harry Duckett's funeral parlour was only here for four days. So? Well, Percy gave me my check last night. He said it would save me coming round in the morning. He wouldn't have put it that way if he knew he wasn't gonna be here. June something doesn't figure.
[00:14:53] Unknown:
Well that word 'figure' gets me thinking about lunch. Mm-mm, not today, Josephine, no lunch.
[00:14:58] Unknown:
You don't know it but on my hands right now I've got a grave problem.
[00:15:14] Unknown:
Enjoy the best of both worlds. Only two hours drive from Johannesburg and Pretoria and half an hour by air. The magnificent Sundown Ranch Hotel and Lion Park, just 10 kilometers from the Pilanesberg Game Reserve and Sun City Resort. It offers an exciting escape from the hustle and bustle of everyday life, reasonable rates, excellent food, friendly service, and comfortable air conditioned rooms. It will ensure a memorable stay. Activities include tennis, squash, horse riding, the Lion Park, and much, much more. Call now to make your reservation on 01457310. That's 01457310, or visit their website at www.restonations.co.z/sundownranch.
The Sundown Ranch Hotel and Lion Park, 2 worlds in one.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
Looking for space to hang and dry your washing? Washline distributors have the solution. Their rotating and fold down wash lines take up the smallest spaces. Ideal for townhouses, simplexes, and balconies at affordable prices. Galvanized or powder coated and available in five different colors. For twenty four hour installation, reliable and friendly service, phone Washline Distributors on 017922486. That's 017922486. Wash lines for every space and need.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
This time, Cameron took a taxi instructing the driver to go to the Northwest Gate of West Ham Cemetery.
[00:17:17] Unknown:
Try a bit, Jeremy.
[00:17:19] Unknown:
Here you are.
[00:17:28] Unknown:
Kevin, who can you possibly want to see here? A man.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
A man? Well, I didn't come here for the peace and quiet. Come on, find me.
[00:17:42] Unknown:
Come in. Hi.
[00:17:47] Unknown:
What can I do for you sir? I, I want to make an inquiry about a burial that took place here yesterday. Are you related to the deceased sir? Yeah, in a manner of speaking. Well, what is it you want to know? Well, the, the relatives were requested to stay away from the funeral. Most unusual I know but, I'd like to know where the grave is situated so that my friend and I can, well, pay our belated respects. Certainly, sir. Name? I'm Canon.
[00:18:11] Unknown:
The name of the deceased.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Oh, oh yeah. His name. Well now, that, that's a funny thing. Old uncle Silas used a whole list of fictitious names in his lifetime and then, well it's an even bet that he was buried under one of them. Eccentric old guy was uncle Silas. You, you know how they get sometimes. Well, the, the fact is he, he might have been buried under any one of those names.
[00:18:37] Unknown:
Well, I mean, anyway, you, you can't make a mistake on account of the time he was buried. There was only one guy buried at midnight. I would like to remind you that you're on consecrated ground, my friend. This is not the place to play funny games or get up to any larks. Now if you'll take my advice, you'll get out of here before I call the police. But he was buried at midnight. If you look in your ledger, you'll see for yourself. The West Ham Cemetery closes at 05:00. We do not conduct burials at midnight.
[00:19:04] Unknown:
Now, do you get out of here or do I call the police? Now look, don't fly off the handle, friend. I know he was buried at midnight. I was here. I helped fill in the grave. Then you must know where it is, mustn't you? It was pitch dark. I can't be sure of the direction in daylight. Honey, how you changed your tune. Just now you said the relatives weren't allowed at the funeral. They weren't. I was with a guy from Harry Duckett's funeral parlour.
[00:19:27] Unknown:
Canon, if my advice is any good, we leave right now. He doesn't believe me. Can you please him?
[00:19:33] Unknown:
'Hello? Police. I've a man here at West Ham Cemetery who's gone a bit barbie. Can you send somebody over? In my office. Thanks.' 'Canon.' no, he doesn't look dangerous. Oh, just as nutty as a fruitcake. Thanks.
[00:19:52] Unknown:
Okay. You win. Come on. Let's pay it to you. I, I didn't do too good, didn't I? That is a gross understatement. Even I was beginning to doubt your sanity. Are you sure you did bury a man in there last night? Sure, I'm sure. I told you. I carried the coffin with this guy called Percy Peyton. I helped lower the coffin into the grave then I took a spade and filled it in. I know I did it. It's all right, don't get heads up. But it's crazy. He said that nobody gets buried at midnight. I heard him.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Well, if that's so then Percy and I were in this cemetery illegally. It seems to me that some people have gone to rather too much trouble to cart a body across London in a horse driven cab, dress you up in funereal costume, conduct a burial ceremony dead on midnight and then drive all the way back again. How'd you get into the cemetery in the first place? Surely they lock up at night? They do but Percy had a key. So the key to your mystery is Percy. But the funeral parlor isn't there anymore and neither is Percy. I'd like a cocktail.
[00:20:55] Unknown:
That's a great idea. I'd like savoir. You know, June, I smell something fishy in this deal. If only I could have taken a look at the ledger. If I knew the name of that guy in the coffin I could start from there. The name must be in that caretaker's book. You just don't bury people anonymously. That's true.
[00:21:12] Unknown:
Well, you can forget about looking in that lecture. If you go back to West Ham Cemetery your next stop will be Bow Street Police Station.
[00:21:19] Unknown:
Yeah. If I go back in daylight.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
Canon, what's turning around in that noble head of yours? Duke, things look different in daylight.
[00:21:31] Unknown:
I couldn't be sure of this direction Percy and I took across the graves but if I went back there after dark
[00:21:37] Unknown:
I might pick up silhouettes and landmarks familiar to me. Well, I suppose there's no law against walking around a graveyard at night except maybe trespass. Or not that you will have to worry, of course. If they pick you up they won't charge you. They'll simply incarcerate you in Coney Hatch Mental Home for a few years. Very funny. Do you always have to look on the black side? Oh, it's yours wants to look on the black side. You can't find your way around the cemetery unless it's squeezed in Stygian darkness. Oh well, hey ho, the wind and the rain. When do we start?
You really like her? Only out of morbid curiosity. I used to blow up frogs when I was a little girl. Must have been a nasty little girl. I won. And anyway, the examination of a graveyard at midnight should always be entered into with the right spirit.
[00:22:20] Unknown:
Well, the right spirit at the moment is that found inside a martini. Which proves that you're not as nutty as a fruitcake after all.
[00:22:31] Unknown:
Has it ever occurred to you, Canon, that an owl choice is the hardest place in which to conduct his romantic exploits? Shh! Quiet! Why, who can we disturb in a cemetery at midnight? That's not the point. Why are you standing there open mouthed?
[00:22:46] Unknown:
It was an open grave. Oh, that doesn't add. Well, look, the grave's been opened up again. It's empty.
[00:22:53] Unknown:
Karen,
[00:22:54] Unknown:
are you sure you've filled it in? Of course I am. No, come on, bend down here. Look, you see footprints. Now that shower of rain this afternoon has left the turf soggy. There are two sets of footprints leading away from the grave. They're fresh too. June, baby, be very quiet.
[00:23:12] Unknown:
Yes.
[00:23:12] Unknown:
Not yet. But we're not alone in the cemetery. You see, look at this shoe mark in the wet turf. The water is still seeping into it. That footprint was made not more than a few minutes ago. I feel like Robinson Crusoe. Well, this wasn't made by any friendly man Friday. Look, June, you stay here now full of the tracks in the town. Not on your Nelly. I'm not all that gone on the company around here. Well, if you come with me, you might join them. I'll take that, John. Okay. Come on then. But be as quiet as you can. Do you want something? Yeah. A broken crate thrown at Broken crate? Wait a minute.
June, look, it's the coffin. Now whoever rubbed that grave has smashed the coffin open.
[00:23:57] Unknown:
Who'd you think like that? How would I know?
[00:24:00] Unknown:
Well, the, the guy in that coffin couldn't have smashed his own way up could he? Oh, brother, I I really hope not. Then where's the body? Or safe in the Dissecting Room of some crackpot doctor, I hope. Come on. The footprints go this way.
[00:24:19] Unknown:
Look. There's someone by the wall. Yeah.
[00:24:22] Unknown:
Look. Lie down in the grass. Right. You can you you can see better from ground level.
[00:24:29] Unknown:
Yeah. Two of them. They're gonna climb the wall. Both alive? And kicking. Now listen, June baby. You go around that way to their left. Mhmm. Now take this take this whistle with you. I'll go around to their right and shout. And when I do, you blow the whistle. And my guess is they'll run back the way they've come. Why do you want them to do that? Never mind. I'll tell you later. Now go quickly. Go when they start to climb the wall. Hey. Stop. In the name of the wall,
[00:25:00] Unknown:
hit the rosa's hurry.
[00:25:06] Unknown:
Stop, I say. Come on baby. What's that name?
[00:25:15] Unknown:
They've, they've fallen into an empty grave. Yeah.
[00:25:19] Unknown:
Now don't try any funny business Bessie because I've got a piece of that pine coffin in my hand and I'll blame you with it if you so much as move a muscle. Hey. Hey. It's cannon.
[00:25:28] Unknown:
It's not the rosas, Harry. Hey. Harry. Oh, blimey. He's knocked himself out.
[00:25:34] Unknown:
So that's why you wanted them to run this way. You knew they'd run into one of the empty graves of the dock. Well, that's what I asked. Oh, it's your lucky night, Kellan.
[00:25:42] Unknown:
Look.
[00:25:43] Unknown:
Look. Look. Harry and Neil got you. You save your breath for an explanation, Percy, and you better make it good or I'll fill you in with six cubic yards of dirt. For once a strange tale had unfolded itself without my knowledge.
[00:25:57] Unknown:
Back in the office I was anxious to hear from Canner's own lips exactly why the ubiquitous harry duckies had opened a funeral parlour at all.
[00:26:06] Unknown:
And what kills me is the thought of those cops on the way to the cemetery. Two of them solemnly saluted as I drove the hearse past. It was the Clochenwell Bank robbery, chief. The loot wasn't found but a guy called Charlie Hynes went up for life. Now he had a plan with Harry and Percy on the outside to make a prison break but he got into an argument in the jail and was knifed through the hut funny enough while the loot was being buried. So the lifer died and his clever plan to hide the loot was no more use to him because you see, chief, that coffin didn't contain a body at all. It was full of banknotes and negotiable securities. Harry and Percy, having buried it, now wanted to retrieve it for themselves.
You know, when I carried that coffin I thought it weighed light. Fancy then. It weighed light yet it was real loaded.
Check engine light on? Take the guesswork out of your check engine light with O'Reilly BaraScan. It's free. Ask for O'Reilly BaraScan today. O'Reilly.
[00:00:13] Unknown:
O'Reilly. Auto parts.
[00:00:18] Unknown:
Careful, Percy. I've you no respect for the dearly departed. It's a good strong coffin made of Oregon pine. That's not the point. It's because of what's inside coughing that you should handle it gently. What's in there can't come to no harm, mate? You've no soul, Percy Feinton. That's your trouble. It'll be us, arrival. Right? Complete with the horses. Only thing is we ain't got nobody can drive horses. These days, outside of the zoo, the nippers hardly ever see them, let alone drive them. Well, that's taken care of, Percy. We're getting the fellow from a place in the West End, 30 3 Up Moon Street.
[00:01:08] Unknown:
Death of a Lighter.
[00:01:17] Unknown:
You love the Springbald top 40 volume one so much? Here's volume two. Featuring 40 of your all time Springbop Radio number one hits. As a special bonus, a memorabilia CD with excerpts of your favorite signature tunes and programs.
[00:01:36] Unknown:
Squad cars. They prowl the empty streets of night.
[00:01:40] Unknown:
Swangbok Top 40 Volume two. Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars.
[00:01:48] Unknown:
For the first time, there's a chance that the ANC may be defeated in various provinces. I'm Peter Molder, leader of the Freedom Front Plus. No single political party can defeat the ANC, but with a coalition of parties, including the Freedom Front Plus, this can be done. The Freedom Front Plus and it takes to address those matters important to you in a coalition and fight for them. This election, vote Freedom Front Plus, we really make a difference.
[00:02:32] Unknown:
Gone if you want to help him this is what to do make sure the water hog is never never you just make sure the water hog is never
[00:02:50] Unknown:
Part of Canon's childhood was spent on a ranch in the American Midwest. It was there that he learned to handle horses and that knowledge was to stand him in good stead when a Mr Harry Ducky telephoned to engage the services of a man capable of driving a horse driven hearse to West Ham Cemetery. A generous fee and a top hat and black mourning coat from Mossposs completed the arrangements for Canon's latest assignment and he was soon on his way to Harry Duckett's funeral parlour situated rather aptly in the murky depths of Cobrave Road.
[00:03:27] Unknown:
What's up with him? The animals got horse sense. This, top hat of frock coats enough to make anybody shine. Including you? No, my face is red from watching cricket. Anyway, I don't anticipate meeting any of my closer friends while I steer this hearse across Leytonstone to, West Ham Cemetery. Even if you did, they wouldn't recognize you in that kennel and in the dark and
[00:03:48] Unknown:
all. In the dark? Well, the streets are all lit up, but you can't see all that well at midnight, can you? Percy, what are we gonna do at midnight? Drive the earth to West Ham Cemetery. What do you think you're here for? But at midnight What did Larry tell you? Tell me when. His bloke what's being planted. The ceremony's at midnight. But, Percy, people don't get buried or married at the witching hour. You must have made a mistake. No mistake, mate. This geezer in the box was a bit queer in the head. Left instructions in his will he did. Told the next of kin that he had to be carted in an horse, driven hearse to West Ham and planted at midnight in the dark. No accounting for some people, is it? Then what am I doing here at midday in this monkey outfit? Now he wants to make sure you can handle them horses in the traffic. Wouldn't do if they voted, now would it? Think of that poor old geyser in an Oregon pine number seven.
[00:04:37] Unknown:
I see what you mean. By the way, how will the wake travel? The what? At the mourners, you know, his family and friends, I take it. They'll be happy, midnight. Oh, that was something else he put in his will. No family.
[00:04:49] Unknown:
A short service here by the pauldron, and you and me take him to his last resting place in West Ham. So you better reach up your horses and take him for a trip. Harry won't like it if there's any slip up. Okay. But first I'm changing back into Mufti. Oh, I know there, mister Cannon. When is there help you need? No. They they look okay. But I didn't know this job was to be at midnight. Eleven o'clock, sharp blood. You have to be at cemetery at twelve. That's the precise time he stated in his will. The service will be at up ten, but you needn't be here. As a matter of fact, no one's to be here, just the powdery. Funny old sticky must have been. Well then you can't deny a man his last wish on earth, can you? No, no, I guess not.
They look a bit frisky to me. You better give him a bit of exercise. Yeah. Well, have you got the, the route to the cemetery? No, I, I have And you better make sure you stick to it. There are certain streets that don't allow horse drawn vehicles in so I've made a bit of a map for you. Here. Nice. Now you see, you start off from where we are in Colgrave Road. You swing into Crownfield Road and across over Eilat And Stone, are you? Mhmm. And then you take the Borthwick route past the Jews cemetery and come into the Westham Cemetery down Tavistock Lane. Yeah, but the, the main entrance is on the other side, isn't it? No. She's allowed around that way. Now just study up on this route and get it clear in your mind so you'll know where to go tonight. Look, I got a better idea. Why don't I take the horses for exercise in a few minutes I'll take them over the route on your map. Oh, don't do that lad. There's not many horse drawn ones in London these days. In the daylight you'll attract a lot of attention and that's just what the dearly departed didn't want. Now, be a good lad and take him for the trot over to Acmey Marshies. There's plenty of traffic over that way and you can give him a gallop if you like on the marshes or the room in the world. If that's the way you want him, mister Duckett, that's the way it'll be. Well, I've got to go. Her dearly departed in Stratford.
If there's out you want, mister Cannon, just ask Percy. He'll be going with you tonight. And don't forget the time now. Eleven sharp. Oh, and just one other thing. No whistling on the earth, a straight face and dignity, mister cannon. That's the ticket. Dignity. And you don't have to stop for traffic. Just be careful that nothing's coming fast when you cross a main road. You're allowed to go through traffic lights if you feel like it and go slow. The poor man had a big enough rush in his earthly life. Eleven sharp.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Hey. You're right on time, mister Kenneth. Eleven's sharp, he said.
[00:07:25] Unknown:
Well, where is everybody? Inside a parlor. They're not to be disturbed until exactly a level. Everything's ready for you. How do you like my suit?
[00:07:36] Unknown:
Like me, Percy, you look as though you'd stepped out of the picnic papers.
[00:07:40] Unknown:
11 on the nose. Right. Let's start, mate. Okay. There's nobody here. A party went out the back way.
[00:07:55] Unknown:
Where's the coffin on the earth?
[00:07:57] Unknown:
All ready to go. Oh, Harry asked me to give you this, your your check. So you coming back in the morning. Oh, thanks.
[00:08:05] Unknown:
Well, climb aboard, Percy. I'll just check the harness. I'm going in the back with a coffin. Was there room? Enough. Well, why not sit up on top with me? You'll be more comfortable. Oh, it's the way you wanted it. Oh, gosh. You was an exemption. What's that, mate? Oh, never mind. And you get You know the route? Yeah. Off my heart. Better start. I can't gallop them if we run behind time. Alrighty.
[00:08:28] Unknown:
You alright, Percy? Alright. No more talking now. You gotta have dignity. Yeah. I'm with it. Yeah. Come on, mister Cannon. What? I said dignity. Oh, you're outside. Come
[00:08:46] Unknown:
on. Get
[00:09:05] Unknown:
Are we there? North West Gate. And what time you make it? Here. Oh, ten minutes to twelve. Just right. Here. Hang on to my pocket watch, will you? Not sure. I'll open the gate and you can bring those inside. Don't they have a caretaker here? Not at this time of night. But don't worry. I've got a key. Why are you closing the gate? Regulations, mate. Now the grave's on the other side.
[00:09:52] Unknown:
You have to help me carry the coffin. Look. If we'd gone round the other way, we could have driven right in. But we didn't, did we?
[00:09:58] Unknown:
Well, let's get out of it. He's gotta be filled up by midnight. I've strapped a couple of spades on the top. We'll take him with us. No, gravediggers? What at this time of night? There's a trade union, mate.
[00:10:10] Unknown:
It won't take us long if we get moving. Hang on, pussy. I've got a flashlight here. Put it away. Who will be able to see better? I said put it away. Orders or no lights.
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Orders? Requests from the deceased.
[00:10:20] Unknown:
Now give us a hand like a good chap, and don't make things difficult. Okay.
[00:10:27] Unknown:
Alright. So ticket yeah. What's up for that spade? I'll go on in front another way.
[00:10:36] Unknown:
You know, Percy, I could carry this coffin myself. The man hardly wears anything at all. Yeah.
[00:10:42] Unknown:
You're proper wasted away, he was. Small bloke. Very small.
[00:10:47] Unknown:
What was that? Just an owl. You got bad nerves, Percy? Been here. Or in Graves. That's quite a job you've got. You,
[00:10:58] Unknown:
you've been at it long? Yeah. Oh, we're undertaking, like, twenty years, I suppose. Years now. Already. But I had it away. He knows his job.
[00:11:11] Unknown:
Now careful.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Oh, sorry. Oh, I won't do no harm. It's hurricane pine. It's hard on the inside and creosote on the outside. Yeah. Well, now how do we lower it into the grave? I've got some time here. Here you are. You wrap this loop round your end. Okay? That's the way. Yeah. Yeah. Dead right. We couldn't have done it better, could we? Alright. Lower away. Okay, buddy. Grab that spade. That's the way. The speed. Stop pinning it in. Okay. Yeah.
[00:11:56] Unknown:
Yeah. How about a headstone?
[00:11:58] Unknown:
Didn't work. Nothing like that. What's that? Oh, he's at that hole again. Hello. Someone ought to threaten that bird. What happens when we finish, Prissy? You drive the Earthpack, and that's easy as pie, ain't it? Easy as pie.
[00:12:20] Unknown:
You do get to know the strangest places, Cannon. I've lived in London all my life and I've never been in this area before. I only came here June in the course of my duties.
[00:12:28] Unknown:
The funeral potter is in Colgrave Road. It's not far now. Of all things, you driving a funeral car. It wasn't a car. It was a horse drawn hearse and the man was buried at midnight, Lonely and silent. Only me and this comic opera guy, Percy. He had the keys to the gate into West Ham Cemetery and while he unlocked it, he asked me to hold his watch. I put in my pocket and forgot about it. So I'm just paying them a visit to return his watch. I have no other interest in Leightonstone. Of course, don't be so emphatic about it. I only thought we might have taken a taxi, that's all. It's my turn to pay for lunch and when it's my turn we take the bus. What's the matter with you anyway? It's only $4. Good for your figure. True, but yours is a false economy. The exercise will sharpen my appetite and I'll eat twice as much. That would be impossible. I don't know why I bother to go to lunch with you. It's my irresistible charm. Ah, here we are. Colgrave Road. Now the funeral parlor is just down there. What's the man's name again? Harry Duckett. No. The one who gave you his watch to mind. Oh, Percy. Percy what?
Peyton, I think. Hey. What's up? That? Those double doors, this is it. What? No sign? Wait a minute. There was a sign up there on the board. It's gone. Oh, so is the funeral parlour scene? This place is empty.
[00:13:47] Unknown:
Yeah, the doors are locked. I can see in through a window. Are you sure you've come to the right place, can I? Sure, I'm sure.
[00:13:55] Unknown:
I don't get it. He didn't say anything about moving. Perhaps they were temporary premises. No, no. Percy said he'd been in the business for twenty years. You know, come to think of it that song was freshly painted. Hey wait a minute, hang on. There's no cottage across the street. He might know something. Sir, have you lived around here long? Yeah, what? You have any idea what happened to the, funeral power over the road?
[00:14:20] Unknown:
They're gone. Was, rather sudden wasn't it? Yeah, quickest in and out I've ever seen. Arrives on Monday, puts up the sign and this morning they're gone again. All days and out of business. Must have heard we're all healthy around here.
[00:14:35] Unknown:
What's up, Kevin?
[00:14:36] Unknown:
Well, Harry Duckett's funeral parlour was only here for four days. So? Well, Percy gave me my check last night. He said it would save me coming round in the morning. He wouldn't have put it that way if he knew he wasn't gonna be here. June something doesn't figure.
[00:14:53] Unknown:
Well that word 'figure' gets me thinking about lunch. Mm-mm, not today, Josephine, no lunch.
[00:14:58] Unknown:
You don't know it but on my hands right now I've got a grave problem.
[00:15:14] Unknown:
Enjoy the best of both worlds. Only two hours drive from Johannesburg and Pretoria and half an hour by air. The magnificent Sundown Ranch Hotel and Lion Park, just 10 kilometers from the Pilanesberg Game Reserve and Sun City Resort. It offers an exciting escape from the hustle and bustle of everyday life, reasonable rates, excellent food, friendly service, and comfortable air conditioned rooms. It will ensure a memorable stay. Activities include tennis, squash, horse riding, the Lion Park, and much, much more. Call now to make your reservation on 01457310. That's 01457310, or visit their website at www.restonations.co.z/sundownranch.
The Sundown Ranch Hotel and Lion Park, 2 worlds in one.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
Looking for space to hang and dry your washing? Washline distributors have the solution. Their rotating and fold down wash lines take up the smallest spaces. Ideal for townhouses, simplexes, and balconies at affordable prices. Galvanized or powder coated and available in five different colors. For twenty four hour installation, reliable and friendly service, phone Washline Distributors on 017922486. That's 017922486. Wash lines for every space and need.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
This time, Cameron took a taxi instructing the driver to go to the Northwest Gate of West Ham Cemetery.
[00:17:17] Unknown:
Try a bit, Jeremy.
[00:17:19] Unknown:
Here you are.
[00:17:28] Unknown:
Kevin, who can you possibly want to see here? A man.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
A man? Well, I didn't come here for the peace and quiet. Come on, find me.
[00:17:42] Unknown:
Come in. Hi.
[00:17:47] Unknown:
What can I do for you sir? I, I want to make an inquiry about a burial that took place here yesterday. Are you related to the deceased sir? Yeah, in a manner of speaking. Well, what is it you want to know? Well, the, the relatives were requested to stay away from the funeral. Most unusual I know but, I'd like to know where the grave is situated so that my friend and I can, well, pay our belated respects. Certainly, sir. Name? I'm Canon.
[00:18:11] Unknown:
The name of the deceased.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Oh, oh yeah. His name. Well now, that, that's a funny thing. Old uncle Silas used a whole list of fictitious names in his lifetime and then, well it's an even bet that he was buried under one of them. Eccentric old guy was uncle Silas. You, you know how they get sometimes. Well, the, the fact is he, he might have been buried under any one of those names.
[00:18:37] Unknown:
Well, I mean, anyway, you, you can't make a mistake on account of the time he was buried. There was only one guy buried at midnight. I would like to remind you that you're on consecrated ground, my friend. This is not the place to play funny games or get up to any larks. Now if you'll take my advice, you'll get out of here before I call the police. But he was buried at midnight. If you look in your ledger, you'll see for yourself. The West Ham Cemetery closes at 05:00. We do not conduct burials at midnight.
[00:19:04] Unknown:
Now, do you get out of here or do I call the police? Now look, don't fly off the handle, friend. I know he was buried at midnight. I was here. I helped fill in the grave. Then you must know where it is, mustn't you? It was pitch dark. I can't be sure of the direction in daylight. Honey, how you changed your tune. Just now you said the relatives weren't allowed at the funeral. They weren't. I was with a guy from Harry Duckett's funeral parlour.
[00:19:27] Unknown:
Canon, if my advice is any good, we leave right now. He doesn't believe me. Can you please him?
[00:19:33] Unknown:
'Hello? Police. I've a man here at West Ham Cemetery who's gone a bit barbie. Can you send somebody over? In my office. Thanks.' 'Canon.' no, he doesn't look dangerous. Oh, just as nutty as a fruitcake. Thanks.
[00:19:52] Unknown:
Okay. You win. Come on. Let's pay it to you. I, I didn't do too good, didn't I? That is a gross understatement. Even I was beginning to doubt your sanity. Are you sure you did bury a man in there last night? Sure, I'm sure. I told you. I carried the coffin with this guy called Percy Peyton. I helped lower the coffin into the grave then I took a spade and filled it in. I know I did it. It's all right, don't get heads up. But it's crazy. He said that nobody gets buried at midnight. I heard him.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Well, if that's so then Percy and I were in this cemetery illegally. It seems to me that some people have gone to rather too much trouble to cart a body across London in a horse driven cab, dress you up in funereal costume, conduct a burial ceremony dead on midnight and then drive all the way back again. How'd you get into the cemetery in the first place? Surely they lock up at night? They do but Percy had a key. So the key to your mystery is Percy. But the funeral parlor isn't there anymore and neither is Percy. I'd like a cocktail.
[00:20:55] Unknown:
That's a great idea. I'd like savoir. You know, June, I smell something fishy in this deal. If only I could have taken a look at the ledger. If I knew the name of that guy in the coffin I could start from there. The name must be in that caretaker's book. You just don't bury people anonymously. That's true.
[00:21:12] Unknown:
Well, you can forget about looking in that lecture. If you go back to West Ham Cemetery your next stop will be Bow Street Police Station.
[00:21:19] Unknown:
Yeah. If I go back in daylight.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
Canon, what's turning around in that noble head of yours? Duke, things look different in daylight.
[00:21:31] Unknown:
I couldn't be sure of this direction Percy and I took across the graves but if I went back there after dark
[00:21:37] Unknown:
I might pick up silhouettes and landmarks familiar to me. Well, I suppose there's no law against walking around a graveyard at night except maybe trespass. Or not that you will have to worry, of course. If they pick you up they won't charge you. They'll simply incarcerate you in Coney Hatch Mental Home for a few years. Very funny. Do you always have to look on the black side? Oh, it's yours wants to look on the black side. You can't find your way around the cemetery unless it's squeezed in Stygian darkness. Oh well, hey ho, the wind and the rain. When do we start?
You really like her? Only out of morbid curiosity. I used to blow up frogs when I was a little girl. Must have been a nasty little girl. I won. And anyway, the examination of a graveyard at midnight should always be entered into with the right spirit.
[00:22:20] Unknown:
Well, the right spirit at the moment is that found inside a martini. Which proves that you're not as nutty as a fruitcake after all.
[00:22:31] Unknown:
Has it ever occurred to you, Canon, that an owl choice is the hardest place in which to conduct his romantic exploits? Shh! Quiet! Why, who can we disturb in a cemetery at midnight? That's not the point. Why are you standing there open mouthed?
[00:22:46] Unknown:
It was an open grave. Oh, that doesn't add. Well, look, the grave's been opened up again. It's empty.
[00:22:53] Unknown:
Karen,
[00:22:54] Unknown:
are you sure you've filled it in? Of course I am. No, come on, bend down here. Look, you see footprints. Now that shower of rain this afternoon has left the turf soggy. There are two sets of footprints leading away from the grave. They're fresh too. June, baby, be very quiet.
[00:23:12] Unknown:
Yes.
[00:23:12] Unknown:
Not yet. But we're not alone in the cemetery. You see, look at this shoe mark in the wet turf. The water is still seeping into it. That footprint was made not more than a few minutes ago. I feel like Robinson Crusoe. Well, this wasn't made by any friendly man Friday. Look, June, you stay here now full of the tracks in the town. Not on your Nelly. I'm not all that gone on the company around here. Well, if you come with me, you might join them. I'll take that, John. Okay. Come on then. But be as quiet as you can. Do you want something? Yeah. A broken crate thrown at Broken crate? Wait a minute.
June, look, it's the coffin. Now whoever rubbed that grave has smashed the coffin open.
[00:23:57] Unknown:
Who'd you think like that? How would I know?
[00:24:00] Unknown:
Well, the, the guy in that coffin couldn't have smashed his own way up could he? Oh, brother, I I really hope not. Then where's the body? Or safe in the Dissecting Room of some crackpot doctor, I hope. Come on. The footprints go this way.
[00:24:19] Unknown:
Look. There's someone by the wall. Yeah.
[00:24:22] Unknown:
Look. Lie down in the grass. Right. You can you you can see better from ground level.
[00:24:29] Unknown:
Yeah. Two of them. They're gonna climb the wall. Both alive? And kicking. Now listen, June baby. You go around that way to their left. Mhmm. Now take this take this whistle with you. I'll go around to their right and shout. And when I do, you blow the whistle. And my guess is they'll run back the way they've come. Why do you want them to do that? Never mind. I'll tell you later. Now go quickly. Go when they start to climb the wall. Hey. Stop. In the name of the wall,
[00:25:00] Unknown:
hit the rosa's hurry.
[00:25:06] Unknown:
Stop, I say. Come on baby. What's that name?
[00:25:15] Unknown:
They've, they've fallen into an empty grave. Yeah.
[00:25:19] Unknown:
Now don't try any funny business Bessie because I've got a piece of that pine coffin in my hand and I'll blame you with it if you so much as move a muscle. Hey. Hey. It's cannon.
[00:25:28] Unknown:
It's not the rosas, Harry. Hey. Harry. Oh, blimey. He's knocked himself out.
[00:25:34] Unknown:
So that's why you wanted them to run this way. You knew they'd run into one of the empty graves of the dock. Well, that's what I asked. Oh, it's your lucky night, Kellan.
[00:25:42] Unknown:
Look.
[00:25:43] Unknown:
Look. Look. Harry and Neil got you. You save your breath for an explanation, Percy, and you better make it good or I'll fill you in with six cubic yards of dirt. For once a strange tale had unfolded itself without my knowledge.
[00:25:57] Unknown:
Back in the office I was anxious to hear from Canner's own lips exactly why the ubiquitous harry duckies had opened a funeral parlour at all.
[00:26:06] Unknown:
And what kills me is the thought of those cops on the way to the cemetery. Two of them solemnly saluted as I drove the hearse past. It was the Clochenwell Bank robbery, chief. The loot wasn't found but a guy called Charlie Hynes went up for life. Now he had a plan with Harry and Percy on the outside to make a prison break but he got into an argument in the jail and was knifed through the hut funny enough while the loot was being buried. So the lifer died and his clever plan to hide the loot was no more use to him because you see, chief, that coffin didn't contain a body at all. It was full of banknotes and negotiable securities. Harry and Percy, having buried it, now wanted to retrieve it for themselves.
You know, when I carried that coffin I thought it weighed light. Fancy then. It weighed light yet it was real loaded.
